I was bored during class so I decided to daydream. Not serious work done here, but meep.
Once upon a night,
in the midnight so ever dreary,
a girl named Mahum strutted through the forest green,
with a crackle of a branch,
and switching of a curtain of leaves,
came the scream
of an old man.
Wishing it was just a dream
she turned and fled,
yearning for the comfort of her bed.
Thrashing footsteps echoed about,
with a scream and a shout,
she fell,
her feet turning to lead,
landing on her bed.
Sitting up she gasped,
her hands she unclasped,
was unaware of,
in the frightened tears she shed
the being that laid sprawled,
across her lovely bed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hello! I stumbled upon your poem and decided I would give it a review. I'm just going to dive right in your poem was pretty good but you are missing just a few things that can be easily fixed. First your poem is missing the emotion that I was hoping would unravel in this poem. It left me longing for something to describe the girls thoughts but nothing was given. I also would suggest you use more imagery in this poem. You have a decent bit but for the location you chose you have a ton of room to add more imagery that would make the reader feel as if they were the girl. Before moving to the next point I would say this seemed more of a short story than a poem. Anyways, the next problem I would say arose as I read was that the poem had barely any capitalization at the beginnings. My final critique is that you put a summary of how you wrote the poem before the start of the poem. It can be distracting. I hope I did not sound like a jerk. Overall the poem was great it could just use a little editing to make it the masterpiece it has the potential of being.
All righty-tighty. Time for my first review.
Firstly, I would like to say I love poems with a dark twist. This has a very open ending which lets the reader figure it out. I loved it.
Next, a bit of constructive criticism. I read how you said that the use of "in" in the third to last line is supposed to mean that she didn't notice both her tears and the body. It doesn't flow right and doesn't make since. I would suggest getting rid of it and slapping "and" in between, if it flows right. I'm not the best at poems, but having the reader stop and try to make sense of your wording stops that nice flow. Please consider it. I'd also like to mention voice. Voice sets the mood. Sadly I wasn't spooked or unsettled by this. As Snazzy suggested, try going for more descriptors in future poems. Give it some personality. Even if the personality is just some spooky narrator.
All in all, lovely poem. Needs a bit of work, but then again, who doesn't? I would suggest that for some horror story studying, listen to the No Sleep Podcast or go look up Sixpencee. I hope this helped! I also did a horror poem, so maybe you could point stuff out to help me!
Hello! Snazzy here for a review!
Good story line, for starters. Really nice twist ending! The flow is pretty good overall. A really good start! This has lots of potential!
The main difference between poems and short stories, I think, is that poems focus on the emotion the story brings. So, when I read a poem, I want to not only see it, I want to hear it. Taste it. Smell it. Touch it. Poems truly bring words alive. I think that was your biggest fault here.
For example, when you write "forest green", all I can imagine is the color of a tree. Or when you write "came the scream", I can't hear it. Scream is a very generic and vague term.
What I'm trying to get at, is show me. Milk the words for all they are worth. Show me what the scream sounded like. Let me hear it! Bring in other senses, like taste and smell. Let me touch the cold-hearted dirt as you fell. Was it wet? With what (blood, tears, water)? Put life into your words!
Anyway, that's all from me! Keep writing! (If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me!)
~Snazzy
You're right :3 Thanks for the tips! I will definitely get back to this poem when I have the time.
lovely poem indeed. The rhythm, and the pace that the reader gets from it is quite smooth.Just one thing though:
"was unaware of,
""in"" the frightened tears she shed"
I cannot seem to make sense of this. I think I get the meaning you are trying to convey, but that 'in' I think is misplaced, and confuses a little. Get it out of there.
Perhaps you just want to look at that again?
Otherwise, well done, and keep up the good work.
I put the "in" there because she couldn't see cuz she was crying. She wasnt unaware of the tears, she was unaware of the body, so that's where "in" comes in place. Thanks for reviewing!