For the news calls them anti vaxxers
Everyone! I call them those I didn't hear
Are we to believe the news... everyone's dying?
Really? yet the numbers seem askew.
Right now I want you all to think.
Upon how we really trust?
Should this be valid information
To justify societies corrosion?
If you finished that rhyme inside your head
i'm talking straight to you.
to your heart, your soul, the purest part -
it's always down to you.
all of you my people, i am your people too.
i beg you now to struggle on and to survive
the coming dawn is here while those in power thrive.
never has it mattered more to each and every one.
the gathering storm of humanities just sum.
Gather one and gather all and stand a forest tall!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there!
I think this poem felt a bit preachy, which is sometimes difficult to connect to an audience with. My main suggestion would be to lean into your metaphors a little more, sometimes the best way to get into political issues, is to appeal to logic / reasoning that the person you disagree with already agrees to, in other-words, find common ground rather than going straight for the kill.
I think another way you could take this poem is to make it seem bit more prophetic - > you have a bit of that in the last section with the "all of you my people, i am you people too." ... "the coming dawn is here" - etc. This could be an interesting direction to take your poem.
I don't think that "i" always needs to be capitalized in poetry, but in this poem I'm not sure it seems instrumental to lowercase it - especially since you seem to use other sentence conventions in the poem.
Overall I think the poem could have a bit more focus on the theme because it kind of meanders a bit, your best strength is definitely your word choice though and you should work on highlighting this by building up your imagery even more.
Keep on writing!
- alliyah
Hi SpinTWOfortune. Welcome to YWS!
Here's a few quick tips just to get this tidied up and give the quality a really easy boost;
- Either let the beginning of all the lines be capital letters or regular letters, rather than a mix of both.
- Capitalise 'I's.
- Capital letters at the beginning of each sentence (after every full stop or question mark).
- Try to keep the rhyming scheme consistent throughout, or leave it without any.
- Give the stanzas a big more structure, it seems to fall apart half way through.
There's some decent vocabulary in here, and I think it's an interesting choice to suddenly refer to the reader in second person half way through. I'm not sure about the title, what does it mean?
I liked the poem, although I can't tell if you are taking the side of the people who don't believe that quarantine is right option or if you are making fun of them. Either way, you are allowed to have your own opinion, even if one gets people killed haha. I loved the last line. For some odd reason, it reminded me of something from Braveheart. Is that just me? Probably. There is grammar problems in this poem, there was an "i" that was not capitalized. I do not know if that was on purpose or if that was just a typo. Other than that, the poem as a whole was a good piece. Please fix the grammar mistakes. The poem has a lot of potential. I hope I can read some of your other works to get a better feel of the style you write in. Cheers!