Chapter 2
Chapter Two: The Letters
Alexis slept, her breathing deep and her chest rising and falling slowly. Her fingers wrapped around the blanket, clutching it tightly as she dreamed. Her eyelids fluttered whilst she murmured in her sleep. It was one of those things she had done since she was an infant. She then, suddenly turned quite abruptly, a soft sigh escaping her lips before she fell back into her restless sleep.
Rosa sat beside the bed. Her eyes took in the child’s pale skin and the slight flush to her cheeks. Such a sweet little girl. Pity that she could become so easily sick. She gently smoothed the child’s thick, black, straight hair out of her face. At that moment, Alexis’ eyes opened. She slid out of the bed, her face pale as she tried to cool off.
“Hi, sweetie. Do you feel okay?” Rosa asked, her lips turned up at the corners weakly; a sign of concern.
“No. I don’t feel good. I feel sick.”
“Okay. Let’s get you to your bed, then I will go get you some help.”
“Okay,” Alexis whispered, quietly falling back into unconsciousness.
Carrying the child to the bed, she made sure not to have the blanket cover her too much. Knowing that the fever was making her too hot. After she reassured herself enough to know the girl would be ok, she hurried out to call the doctor.
Alexis stared at the ceiling, thinking. She was wondering where Miss Rosa was and she was getting really hot which made everything feel horribly damp and uncomfortable. Kicking off the blanket she tried desperately to get up, to find her. It couldn't be that hard... Of course, she hadn't expected the door to open. A teenager boy - one from earlier, she noted - strode in with the fiercest of expressions. His eyes were cold as they stared at her. He smiled, wickedly as he grew closer. In mere moments he began taunting her.
“Aw. Look at little Alexis. She's sick in bed. ” He smiled eerily with that same listless expression pasted on his face. “Let me help you get better sweetie.” His voice was toned with sarcasm as he grasped her arm roughly and flung her to the floor.
Alexis’ eyes widened with terror. Images of the stranger and her parents flashed before her eyes. The boy loved to be the object of fear to anyone and everyone. She could tell by the listless look in his eyes as he roughly grabbed her before tossing her frail body against the ground.. Alexis, in fear of her life, began to scream. She screamed so loud it caused glass to break. It also alerted Rosa who was downstairs, just finishing her call with the doctor.
Rushing and taking two stairs at a time Rosa burst into the room just in time to see Alexis being held down with a knife to her throat by the boy. He jumped when the door slammed open. He turned to stare at her in rage. The glint in his eye was unmistakable. His intent to kill the young child would have infuriated anyone.
She did something that Alexis had never seen. Rosa moved fast, grabbing the young man’s arm tightly before pulling him off of her. It looked like, to Alexis, that she was going to throw him out of the window. When in actuality, she slammed him to the floor causing him to make the knife drop out of his hand. Clattering to the floor, the knife laid forgotten her eyes blazing with fury as she glared at him, hissing, “Why are you trying to hurt her? Why are you attacking my child!?”
The boy gazed at her, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He seemed disoriented for a few minutes before focusing on the woman who held him steadfast. His face turned from confusion to rage within seconds, hollering, “She’s a Angemon!!! She killed my father!!!”
Rosa’s eyes flashed dangerously as she spat, her voice low and threatening, “What does that have to do with ANYTHING?! She’s only FIVE damn it!”
The teen glared at Rosa, snapping, “He was my father!! He was the only thing I had left in this world!!”
Alexis watched all this from a corner she had fled to and huddled in. Her eyes were filled with tears of fear she whispered, “I didn’t do anything!”
Rosa held the boy down tightly, as she turned to glance at the child, seeing the fear in her eyes she said soothingly, “Of course you didn’t, Alexis. How about you go dial 9-1-1 and tell them to come here please?”
Alexis stared at her blankly, her eyes slightly cautious. Slowly a glimmer of trust entered them. Rosa, who had always been kind, never would have done anything cruel to her... right? She nodded. Quickly she hurried out of the room as fast as her little legs could take her to the kitchen where the phone was.
Rosa turned back to the boy. Her face was dark with anger. Closing the door, she growled, “Why did you try to kill her?! That girl is only FIVE! What on Earth could she possibly done to your father?!”
As she spoke, she leaned in closer. Her eyes held his gaze. She felt satisfied when his face flickered with fear. He glared at her hissing, his voice like ice, “She killed him! Why do you think she appeared here the morning just AFTER my father’s death?!”
Rosa quickly grabbed the boy by the collar. She leveled her face with his and backed him up so his was square against the wall.
“Touch her and I will become what you fear the most.” she hissed menacingly in his ear, with a dangerous gleam in her eyes.
The boy replied impishly, “I hope she suffers for what she did!”
A loud crack sounded through the room. The boy’s head was turned to the right, his left cheek turning a furious red. Rosa’s voice rang out in the room as she shouted, angrily, “I hope that you never live to see another sunrise.”
Meanwhile downstairs, Alexis was quickly dialing the number. She heard the beep and then a woman's voice spoke through the phone, “This is 9-1-1. Whats your emergency?”
Alexis swallowed hard. Suddenly fear and nervousness took hold as she stammered out hesitantly concentrating hard on the words. Fortunately, they came out this time, though rough and raspy, “T-there’s a b-boy with a k-knife..”
“Does he still have it? Are you alone?” The woman asked. Her voice was soothingly soft. She tried her best to calm the child so she could get as much information as she could.
Alexis felt her hands shaking, but her voice was much steadier as she managed to speak without stammering. Her face contorted in concentration, “No he doesn’t. Rosa knocked it out of his hand. No I’m not alone, there are other kids and Rosa.”
The woman let out a soft mhm and said, “Ok, can you give me your address and name please, sweetie?"
Alexis struggled to remember the address her eyes tightly closed. Pain marred her face as she struggled to say, “My name’s Alexis and I live at St. Lake’s Orphanage on East Roben Avenue.”
“Sweetie, you should keep by the phone and try to stay calm, ok? Keep the phone on, encase something should happen. Help will be there shortly.”
Alexis let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and whispered shakily, “Yes, ma’am.”
When she set the phone down Alexis felt dizzy and slid down to the ground. Sitting there, she thought about what had just transpired in the last few minutes. She couldn’t believe it. It was all too much to take in. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered what the boy had said.
“What were they talking about? Who were they talking about?” she thought out loud to herself. “Not me, of course.”
She sighed, knowing deep down that the truth had been laid out blatantly in front of her. To deny it would be childish...
‘She killed my father...’ Shaking, she tried to piece together who that boy’s father was. Images flashed through her mind, but one lay dominant. The eyes.
She could remember the black eyes. The eyes that haunted her. The boy, Steven, had the same. They held the same calculating, cold look as his father’s. Desperation clawed at her, as she tried to deny what she had done. Her heart ached from the grief, the pain she had caused someone else. The boy lost his father, and it was all her fault. Tears finally broke free and fell down her face. She buried it in her hands desperately.
As she sobbed, the minutes dragged on, and she came no more closer to admitting it had been her all along than the first minute she realized it. She tried desperately not to but her heart gave way and she felt guilt and she deserved something for what she did. Unable to help it she felt herself drowning in that horrible feeling.
She pressed her head against her knees, wrapping her arms around them. She waited for Rosa to come, as she felt suddenly even worse than before. Clutching her knees tightly to her chest, she peeked out over them and stared at the blocks that Rosa had used to teach her colors just the day before. She pushed the frightening experience out of her mind as there was a knock on the door. She tensed not knowing who it was.
But she was stronger than this, right? She pushed the guilt down and stood up. Going to the door slowly, she wiped her tears away and took a few deeps breath. As she moved to open the only piece that blocked her saviours, she hid her fears.
“It’s the Police. Please open up.” A man’s voice rang out, loud and sharp. She cringed but did as was told.
She winced when the flashlight hit her eyes which lead the officer’s to soften. He said, “Are you Alexis?”
She nodded and said, her voice shaking, “R-rosa is with him. H-he’s upstairs. Second door on the l-left.”
The officers nodded as they went into the house. One of them - a woman - stayed behind, and looked at her with a maternal concern, “Are you ok sweetie?”
Alexis tensed, her guard held in place as she muttered, “No I don’t feel good.”
The woman nodded and took her by the hand, not noticing Alexis’s scowl, to the kitchen where she said, “Why don’t you get something to drink and eat child?”
Whispering a soft "No thanks, ma'am," Alexis sat down at the table. She glanced up as Rosa came downstairs. Guilt crushed her heart when she saw Steven. The officers had cuffed the boy and lead him outside while the woman officer smiled down at Alexis, saying, “Try and take it easy okay, sweetie?”
Alexis muttered a soft okay. She was looking slightly sleepy as Rosa allowed the officers to leave. She turned saying, “Alexis sweetie, we go to the doctors tomorrow morning.”
Nodding, Alexis went into the dining room. She laid down on the couch and allowed herself to sleep; pushing out any thoughts of that guilt which locked itself away from view. Rosa went to check on the other children. She could still feel the anger she felt when she walked into Alexis's room.
'I hope he gets what he deserves for scaring her.' Rosa thought, darkly. She could imagine so many things she wished she had done to that teenager.
She noticed that the others were sleeping peacefully. Heading back downstairs, she paused right in front of Alexis's room. Opening the door, she looked inside, seeing that the bed was still messy. She began to make it out of habit. Something she tended to do when she was uncomfortable. If things were disorganized, then life itself becomes disorganized, so when ones fixes that disorganization, so must one fix their own lives. As she finished, she smoothed out most of the creases and began to leave. Closing the door behind her, she finished her walk downstairs.
Unfortunately, there was still much time left and not very many beds to make. So, in a desperate attempt at pushing out her own feelings, she pulled out a book and started to read. She was interrupted about half an hour later to several kids walking inside from school.
As she laid Alexis on the bed, she saw the girl wake. Alexis looked around and saw a package on the foot of the bed and with her sudden sensitivity to emotions, she could feel Rosa’s concern and worry. She pressed her hands against the package and could feel nothing but undying love and pride from whatever was inside.
Sensing the sudden arrival of others, Alexis opened her eyes. She was slightly disoriented but managed to give the other kids her age a small smile. One of the boys and girls walked up to her asking, “Hey do you wanna play with us?”
‘Will they mind if I join? I never had before..and I don’t know how to play the games they do...’ She thought as her hands nervously fiddled with her sleeve. She blushed as they looked at her with pleading eyes.
Alexis paused to glance at Rosa for consent. Rosa gave a small smile of encouragement before returning to her book. She could see Alexis nod enthusiastically and joined the others as they took off to some other room.
Alexis felt elated. They asked her to join them! Not someone else, her. Oh this was so exciting. She thought as she ran after them into the old dining room. She laughed when one of the kids remarked, “Hey so what to do you want to play?”
She stared wide eyed at the boy. Play? She didn’t know what they played...she spent too much time reading to be involved with whatever the others did. She frowned, What am I suppose to say? What if they don’t like me because I don’t know how to play?’ She thought to herself, completely lost. Dread began to creep its way through her thoughts as she gazed down at the floor.
One of the girls spoke up. She had deep green eyes and they took pity on Alexis who was looking dejected. “Hey I think she doesn’t know what we play. Ya know, since she loves her books.”
Alexis looked down at her feet, fully expecting them to laugh at her. All she got were murmurs of agreement and the girl spoke again, “I love books. You be good at imagining things, Alexis!”
Blushing, Alexis grinned at them. She hesitated in asking, “So does that mean you guys don’t mind? My reading books?”
One of the other boys smirked, his blue eyes piercing hers with an indifferent gaze. “Why should we? We see that you liking books makes you smart! Like how our playing sports makes us better at gym! Sides that’s no reason to be mean to someone. So how about we play tag?”
“Yeah! You’re the smartest kindergartner in your class. Who knows you might even get to go up a grade!!” One of the girls chimed in. She leaned against one of the walls and Alexis realized they may be older but they were more accepting than she thought.
Alexis felt her heart soar at the other kids’ acceptance. She shyly raised her hand when they voted. One of the girls took her by the arm, whispering in her ear, “You have to make sure you keep the one whose IT away from you. That way you don’t have to go running after the others. Its really fun!”
Alexis nodded, determined to do her best. Soon the game started and she felt herself letting go of her shell. She began to truly enjoy playing with the others despite being unsure of what to do. Laughing she felt the boy that had stood up for her, Ricky, tag her. Blushing she stopped suddenly at a lost of what to do..until one of the boys called out to her.
“Now you have to tag one of us, Alexis.” The boy was Matt if she could remember it right. He was standing a few feet in front of the kitchen and she smiled embarrassed at the sudden attention.
Rosa poked her head out from the door way commenting, “Just have fun you guys. Be sure not to run people over or break something. The younger children are upstairs asleep so try not to be too loud.”
Alexis smiled and turned to face the other kids. With an uncharacteristic enthusiastic grin she spoke, “Ok lets start playing again!” Soon all the kids were fleeing from her as she chased after.
There were many instances when their fun became a tad bit dangerous. During those times they received a firm warning from Rosa to settle down before continuing. The game last a few hours before supper interrupted them. Groans and complaints met Rosa’s ears as she placed plates of macaroni and cheese, and ham sandwiches in front of them.
They stopped, however, when the kids began eating. The three new friends, Ricky, Amber, the girl who had told Alexis the rules, and Alexis sat by each other, laughing and talking.
“I can’t believe you did that Alexis!” Amber chuckled, her hands gesturing in the air, as if her voice wasn’t enough to get her point out.
Alexis giggled and stared down at her lap, blushing, “I didn’t mean to! He was slow! I was running too fast, honest. I didn’t mean to knock him over!”
Rosa gave her a look, “I hope you apologized, young lady.”
Alexis winced, before grinning at her widely, “Of course I did, Ms. Rosa!! It would be mean otherwise!”
Rosa shook her head, before taking in the slight droop of the child’s shoulders and eyes. She was clearly exhausted and in her state it would be wise that she went to sleep. With a soft sigh she took the empty plates, remarking, “Alright kids off to bed.”
“No!!” Several horrified shouts greeted her ears. She turned and gave them a fierce glare. She spoke again, this time her tone booked no argument, “Bed. Now!!”
The eight kids scurried off in a rush. She smiled to herself as she went to throw the plates away. She rubbed her wrist slightly. Wincing in pain, she saw a small cut. With a frown of worry she muttered, “I don’t remember making that.”
Meanwhile Alexis was getting dressed in her pajamas. She thought back to the game of tag and smiled. She couldn’t resist a quiet laugh as she remembered knocking down the poor boy who had been slower. She was slow sure but he had been much slower. She paused in her moving to the bed to wonder, ‘I wonder if he won’t mind being my friend.’
Yawning, she decided to try that later in the morning. Moving to the bed she spotted a package laying in the center. It looked rather large, as if it held many things yet when she picked it up it was really light. She sat on the bed and searched for the from label. Looking at the label on top she saw the words that she thought impossible. She held the package as if it was a treasure from angels themselves. She curled up with it, determined to open it in the morning.
On the package the from address said;
Robert and Linda Angemon
505 North Wind Drive
Yaryaq, Ashar, 59443
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Ehh I meant her to seem older; not sure if I did it right or not. Hmm Thanks for the review and I'll try my best x.x Not sure how well it'll turn out but I'll try to work on it thanks for the review Tenyo I shall take your words and see if I can fix it
Alexis is only five? Or have I gotten confused between characters?
The way she acts and responds makes her seem much, much older. I think it might be better for her starting age to be older, or for you to express or develop her character more so that it is more obvious. Maybe you could mention her height, or a certain ritual in the home that you have to be, say, over six years old to take part in.
Also, wasn't she quite withdrawn before? She seems to have burst out of that little shell of hers almost unnaturally fast, it seems a little plot driven rather than to do with her actual character. If she doesn't trust anyone, then why is she contacting the police? It just doesn't seem to fit.
Apart from that, the plot itself is developing well. Just slow down and take a bit more time bridging the gaps from one thing to another, rather than jumping straight from point to point.
Next up, chapter three.
Thanks for the review formslipper. You're right grammar is something I sorely lack in....no matter how hard I work on it, never comes out easier. I have always had the making things too fast part problem as well..its far better than many years ago still I'll try and edit this later on...add more details and things. Either way thanks for the review and I'll edit this all when I have finished editing the rest.
I read it. Awesome job, Soulkana! The story's definitely taking shape.
I could nitpick on this, but I'll leave that for others. Let me just say that there were some awkward wordings here and there, and about twice as many commas as you needed- just go through and delete as many commas as you can. The wording problem will go away eventually- just be more conscience of skewed phrasing, fragments, superfluous words, and ambiguity, etc. Overall, it was decent as far as grammar goes, though I can tell it's not your strong point.
Grammar is nothing, though, compared to pace. I love your characters and I love your plot, but this chapters pace was speedy. It was like- here's Alexis, then a teenager has a knife against her throat, then she calls the police and Rosa saves her, then they're going to the hospital and Alexis finds out that Rosa's her godmother and that she's gonna go to a magic school and that her parents were in hiding from something, then she finds out that her parents are alive. At the end, I was like... what the-
The problem here is that you packed this chapter with way too much information moving with an insane pace. I understand that this is the turning point of your novel, but you really need to triple the size of it and build carefully on each piece of information so that the reader will be affected by it (instead of "Woah, I've been hit by a ton of bricks").
I'm taking a liking to the plot, and I'll totally read more. The character Alexis is steadily becoming more interesting, and the story is amazing. Is there anything inherently wrong with it? No. It's just that you moved way too fast and packed too much info in this chapter. Try to lengthen it and separate it appropriately.
I this you should re-edit this. Also, it kind of ended abruptly.
Wow sis that is really really good (:
Okay so its rather early in the morning and I still haven't downed at least three cups of coffee, so if this review isn't one of my better ones, sorry xD.
Grammar and Punctuation/Nit-Picks:
Okay so here we have to 'as she' sections in both sentences. That creates a little bit of redundancy. What I would do if I were you is try and reword like maybe something on the lines of 'Her fngers wrapped around the hemline of her blanket, clutching it tightly as she dreamt. Her eyelids fluttered once in a while... etc'
Spliced comma.
Run-on.
You need a comma after 'thick' and 'black'. Also, get rid of the comma already there. Its not necessary.
Heres a little tip about commas.
When you have two commas in a sentence, its usually to break up one sentence by giving an inner thought, such as;
"I really, and in all honesty, wanted to go to the park."
Now the cool thing about this is that, if you take out the 'and in all honesty', it could still be a sentence on its own. Remember that when you put more then two comma into one sentence.
You have a lot of redundancy here with your wording. Change the 'fluttered' as you had it in sentences prior, to something like 'peaked'.
I understand what you mean by 'smile of concern' but it comes across as being very telling and not showing. A good thing to remember with writing is that you want to show the reader such things. Telling them means that you don't necessarily have a story at all but a relaying of events.
So maybe say somehing like 'Her lips turned up at the corners weakily; a sign of concern'
Static dialogue. Because shes a child, usually children don't like the doctor so much. So change this to something a little softer like 'I'll go get you some help."
If I remember distinctly, did she not fall back into unconsciousness? You don't need to have Rosa do anything of that general sort.
Okay so here you contradict yourself. You say shes wondering about nothing in particular and then you quickly almost correct yourself by saying 'well actually...'
Stick to one Idea. Maybe have it 'Alexis stared atthe ceiling, her thoughts wandering to wherever Miss Rosa went. She was getting really hot.'
My correction up there also fixed the comma splice you had near the end of the sentence.
This needs to be reworded.
"His eyes were cold as ice, staring at her with malice and disdain as a twisted smile appeared coolly along his cheeks. He drew closer to her, taunting her as he went."
You repeat yourself three times. Two here in the dialogue section with 'eerie and creepy smiles' and one up in the sentence before it with 'twisted'. You might want to think of something else to plug into this section.
Spliced comma.
Alright, so, when writing in second person, you never want to go with the 'I know everyones thoughts'. Maybe 'this chapter I'm in Rosa's mind' or 'Alexis' mind the next chapter' but you shouldn't try and deviate from that. Giving the aspects of everyones thoughts get confusing to readers.
That and this needs to be corrected. Heres an example that should fix up the thought processes;
"The boy loved to be the object of fear to anyone and everyone. She could tell by the listless look in his eyes as he roughly grabbed her before tossing her frail body against the ground."
Reword. Something on the lines of;
"Alexis, in fear for her life, started to scream. She screamed so loud it cause blood to curdle and glass to break."
Firstly, any intent to kill should be a severe cause of alert and anyone would initially be infuriated. You might want to deliberate on the shock factor and such things like that.
Okay so, anything in red, I reworded for you. Anything in blue is personal opinions of what I think you should change.
Ugh, all caps.... you might want to change this.
Whose eyes were there a glimmer of trust? If she intially has caution, it shouldn't just change so quickly. There should always be meaning. That and you repeat the word 'eyes' twice. Change that.
Two spliced commas.
The second comma is spliced.
Change the second stay to 'keep'.
Oh, and a comma behind calm.
And one behind Sweetie.
Yo repeat 'eyes' twice.
Consistency. Should this not be slightly stuttered?
A lot of bad just happened. I highly doubt anyone would have felt like eating.
That and there shuld be a comma after juice and the comma after downstairs should be a period. Put 'had' behind 'cuffed and'. Change the second and behind outside to 'while' or 'whilst'.
Well that was quick?
The first comma is spliced.
....? This girls parents are dead. She just found out that someone is still in her life. I would be happier than ever. Not disappointed and sad.
You repeat the word 'such' three times in this sentence. Reword.
Shes a child. What mask could there be?
Comma splice.
You should specify her. It almost feels like he's laying Rosa on the table xD.
Comma behind frowning.
This part is cute! The first comma is spliced, though. That and the second comma in the dialogue is also spliced.
You have tons and tons of descriptions towards sparkling eyes throughout this piece. So much so that it gets redundant. Read over it and try to change that up.
She has a fever. She doesn't need to be kept warm.
Second comma not needed.
You repeat Alexis' name twice. Maybe change it to 'her' or 'the small child' or something of that general sort.
This is a whole paragraph of telling. Not a lot of showing. You might want to try and give a more interesting feel to this section then just a 'This happened. This happened. That happened. This happened.' It gets redundant.
And thats all for this section!
Setting and Description:
Compared to the last chapter, you started to lack in this section. Lots of repeated words and repeated sentiments that could easily be something more interesting to the eye and ear. I'd love to see some more similies and metaphors like in your first chapter. That and I still want to get to know a little more about where she is seeing as there were no new descriptions about the place she lived. There was a lot of 'action action action' but not a lot of emotion and description.
So if anything, this chapter needs a bit of work fleshing it out.
Plot:
So much is going on in such a short time.Sometimes that can be seen as a good thing, but most of the time, it tends to be a little too much.
You have some really interesting parts in here you could have easily deliberated on, like the boy putting a knife to her neck. It was almost monotonous, the emotions they all displayed. You could play with so much in that section that I was a little surprised it turned out to be only a couple paragraphs long.
So if I were you, I'd cut down on the telling telling telling and start fleshing out that one section.
Character Developement:
This chapter held even less emotion than the first, and a lot happened! You could easily talk about how scared she was, or desperate she felt to get away. You could speak of how Rosa was in absolute shock. Right now we have very inhuman emotions which I think could easily be fixed if you fleshed this chapter out a little better.
That being said, first make your corrections, and then attempt to flesh it out. This is a first draft after all.
Overall:
I'm starting to get a little bit of a Harry Potter feel from this piece xD. Which isn't a bad thing, as long as you make sure this piece is distinctly yours with plotlines that are also distinctly yours.
So keep writing and I'll keep reviewing!
~Walker
O.o no crying brother eesh hugs* Hope you post more sooon
Sniffs* :'( Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
of course you do haha Good Luck Qoh16
Thanks. love ya too
Hahah Thanks for the review sis good luck on your writers block!!! hugs* love you
YAY!!!! I LOVE IT!!! YOUR BEST WORK YET!!! <3 hehee...