"Have the preparations for the evacuation been completed?" A young woman demands, steely red eyes staring down the older man. She wore loose fitting black shirt with a silver snowflake sewn expertly in the center, symbolizing her rank amongst the city as one of their rulers.
The man stands up from his bow while respectfully meeting one of his leader's eyes with a nod, "Yes, milady. When you and Master Endellion begin moving to battle the civilians will be safely held in the secret compounds."
Lady Eirlys smiles warmly at the man before turning her back in order to gaze outside the window upon the giant city with somber eyes, "Very well, Manson. You are dismissed."
"Yes, Milady." Manson whispers, not wishing to intrude upon her thoughts and hastily leaves the room as Endellion steps in from the hallway, his violet eyes flickering around the room out of habit.
"The moment of our very reason is upon us." He murmurs while striding across the room to take his spot at his older twin's right side. On his own dark red shirt is a snowflake but this time in white with the Rod of Asclepius in black on both his sleeves. He smiles softly, though his eyes hold a shadow of grief as stops beside her.
"It feels wrong." She sighs, hand running through her blonde hair, facing her twin who blinks momentarily confused.
"What, our purpose?" He questions taking hold of her shoulder in a comforting hold as she quickly shakes her head no.
"That if we leave no one will know of our path." Eirlys sighs, fingers plucking at her sleeve in nervous dread.
"The village will not allow our memory to die, sis." Endellion smiles briefly but his eyes dim slightly at the possibility they both feared since the war had started.
"But what of the younger children? Or the ones that will be in the future." She persists watching her twin as he tenses knowing she hit a touchy subject.
"Then we'll write it down." He states calmly, eying the direction of the city's main hospital with a worried scowl.
"You're worried about the patients?" She guesses correctly when he nods gravely, his hands twisting with his long red hair as he thinks back on the many patients he had gone through that morning.
Unable to give her twin any hope on the drastic situation that landed most of their friends in the hospital she wordlessly pulls from a shelf a blank red leather book and from the pile of writing tools, a plain black pen. Endellion carefully takes another and the two seat themselves side by side on the desk, as they prepare to write the past for all those to read.
With an encouraging nod, Eirlys opens the first page and with her neatest handwriting in mind thinks of the first thing to say while Endellion wordlessly pulls from his pocket an empty vial, locking the door with a simple thought and a little energy. Soon Eirlys begins to write the first word.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Aye, this is Ikerot and I'm here to commentate on your story
First of all, I'm horrible when it comes to grammar, especially present D:
So don't trust me when I try to correct you on present tense.
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"'Yes, Milady.' Manson whispers..." - for this, I would suggest that you put a [comma] instead of a [period].
"'The moment of our very reason is upon us.' He murmurs" - same for this one too.
"He smiles softly, though his eyes hold a shadow of grief as stops beside her." - this sentence is a bit awkward when it came to the "hold of a shadow of grief as stops beside her." Might want to rephrase that or add another word.
"'But what of the younger children? Or the ones that will be in the future.' She persists watching her twin as he tenses knowing she hit a touchy subject." - same thing again with the whole [comma].
"'Then we'll write it down.' He states calmly, eyeing the direction of the city's main hospital with a worried scowl." - and another one.
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I found this to be a tad confusing since it's (maybe?) the prologue of some sort. I don't know if I'm missing something or not. All I know is that something bad had happen and now the twins must write to the past to prevent(?) it from happening. Something like that, I don't know, I may be going a bit too sciency xD
Overall, I thought it was somewhat interesting, even though I was quite confuzzled.
"She wore loose fitting black shirt with a silver snowflake sewn expertly in the center, symbolizing her rank amongst the city as one of their rulers."
=>Your tense changes to past tense in this sentence.
You introduce many characters in this small piece. As a reader, when I'm reading literature that introduces several characters in a short amount of time, I get confused, especially if there are few visuals mentioned to aide in differentiating between different characters. I'm going to assume that this is a chapter in your novel, hopefully not the first chapter. But if you haven't already done so, I'd suggest mentioning little details about the characters here and there, especially when they first appear. I'm not saying to write an info dump, but rather to incorporate distinctive traits about them into your writing. E.g. Eirly ran her pale slender fingers through her dark hair.
In the first paragraph of this piece, you write "a young woman". Perhaps you can specify that this woman is Lady Eirlys, it makes the first read much less confusing. You don't even have to say Lady Eirlys said this blah blah blah. Just have Manson address her as Lady Eirlys instead of milady, so the reader won't think there are 3 separate people conversing.
You have the framework for a very interesting story, just add more details to help the reader comprehend the events that are occurring.
Intriguing! I am looking forward to reading the rest!
Second chapter is posted on the right in the "Related Items" ^^