Each strum of the violin's strings echoes the ache in my heart. Forever locked in this church I could only fill the desolate rooms with my heart torn music. Each hour that slips by my wings droop farther, each minute another feather falls as my heart mourns for him.
They took him. My darling boy. Tears fall as I play faster, more sorrow bleeding into the notes as they go unheard by the people filling the room. The moonlight streams onto me and I stop to stare at my reflection within the mirror, heart beating hard at the sight of my broken self.
My once beautiful white wings have bled to black, sickly wings which slowly fade with my happiness. Dead gray eyes peer back at the black dress I had worn to his funeral. My precious child. Taken before he could even enjoy life and with a sob I fling the violin at the cross headstone just behind me in a surge of anger. How could they take him! He had been so young..so pure.
In my rage I do not spot the other standing just near the door. Solemn eyes gaze at me as I glance over at the man whose white wings erase my pain. He kneels to pick up my violin, whispering,”Your music is beautiful, Fallen.”
It isn't. He is lying. My music is sad, so why? Shivers race across my back as beautiful white feathers glide across my flesh, enveloping me with peace. Shakily reaching for the violin I begin to play, not believing it when hopeful, peaceful music floats in the air, curving my mouth into a smile. Just maybe, maybe I could meet with my beautiful Alexander again. Yes, I will meet him again.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello, Cailey here with the requested review!
Overall, great work, I love it!
First off, beautiful. I love it, and you have some great imagery and detail. I love that you never once say she's an angel, but you give the impression and let us figure it out for ourselves. I love the way your piece reflects sadness and loss, that is until the end.
I have a few nitpicks here, and some more compliments. Okay so you wrote: "heart beating hard" which is slightly overused. I mean, yeah hearts beat, and it's the most common way to describe a heart or talk about its action, but its boring. See if you can find a different way. Even saying heart pounding is slightly more original. Maybe a thesaurous? (I never know how that word is spelled!)
Also, towards the end when the second angel comes in, your writing loses some of its former charm. It's like the gloominess of the piece is what fueled you on, and once you reached the happiness it seemed forced and overly hopeful in comparison to the rest of the piece. Maybe show her gaining the peace some more, add the emotions leading up to the feelings of happiness and peace? I don't know if that makes sense, but hopefully it does.
Oh, I also love how you describe the wings as turning black from blood instead of red. In this case, with white representing purity, the black makes a much better connection than red would. I really like that.
I don't think I have anything more to say. I hope this was more helpful than the comment.
That is good, very good i like the way you expressed the emotion in the person who is mourning.