You

Thanks to everyone for your great help, I hope that I can create and continue something here that you will all enjoy.

Right now I am going to be that one reviewer who corrects your formatting

By the way hey, Umaima here to review your wonderful poem!

Now let's start with the good points. I loved your idea behind the poem and trust me when I say that this is another one of those poems which while reading the reader goes like "AMAZING!!" I really enjoyed reading it and look forward to seeing more poems from you!

HEre's the formatting error edited:

"It starts with nausea and clenched jaws,
I find my voice losing volume.
As if it were a sap to be harvested and mass produced into a drug,
my emotion seems loose.

I begin to lose it in the Molotov Cocktail
of memory thoroughly lobotomizing me.
Into a stasis,
complete numbness washes over my being.

I drift,
motionless,
on the hands of time.
Pressing me to the chime of time wasted.

The face of time stares at me through cold glass,
indiscriminately, it might seem to the outward looking in.
My skin begins to tingle,
like leaves rustling across the sidewalk in a gust of fall.

Silence comes to my mind,
to my senses, to my core.
Less than nothing,
I become and it consumes me and expels me onto the floor.

I lay motionless as stone,
fighting inside my own skin.
I claw at the burlap sack smothering me,
my fingers bleed from the struggle.

No matter how hard I grit my teeth and dig,
the light never shines in upon me.
It is all consuming and everlasting,
it destroys even the strongest will, as if to taunt.

This is what I feel, every time I think of you."


This poem is romantic and cute! I felt your emotions clearly expressed in every line and man was it amazing!

So that's all for today due to the lack of time!
Happy review day!

Umaima

I don't really understand this poem.
When i first started reading, I was all like, ' the guy sees a girl he likes, and is frozen'. But then I kept on reading and saw the last paragraph. It totally confused me.
Anyway, I'm not sure how i feel about the make up of this poem. usually I like to see poems in stanzas, short and over to the side. But I kind of like how you wrote this in a different form, it makes it seem more like a story.
Thank for the read,
herby

Wow! This is one of the best poems that i have read so far. Whenever i read a poem, i always think if it's worth being in an english textbook. well this one not only qualifies for that but also for a platform much more beyond that. Now when a person will read your poem he/she will probably think what has this got to do with your title - "you". This creates a sort of suspense which is really impressive. And the most important and best thing about your poetry is the metaphors and comparisons you have used. They are simply blissful!

"As if it were a sap to be harvested and mass produced into a drug"

This was a great line!

Next i absolutely loved the way you described everything. It was very detailed. and this detail makes the poem very soothing and intense at the same time.

there's only one thing that i'd like to mention is that your poetry could have looked better if it had been differentiated to stanzas like this:

"It starts with nausea and clenched jaws, I find my voice losing volume.
As if it were a sap to be harvested and mass produced into a drug, my emotion seems loose.

I begin to lose it in the Molotov Cocktail of memory thoroughly lobotomizing me.
Into a stasis, complete numbness washes over my being. I drift, motionless, on the hands of time.

Pressing me to the chime of time wasted.
The face of time stares at me through cold glass, indiscriminately, it might seem to the outward looking in.

My skin begins to tingle, like leaves rustling across the sidewalk in a gust of fall.
Silence comes to my mind, to my senses, to my core.

Less than nothing, I become and it consumes me and expels me onto the floor.
I lay motionless as stone, fighting inside my own skin.

I claw at the burlap sack smothering me, my fingers bleed from the struggle.
No matter how hard I grit my teeth and dig, the light never shines in upon me.

It is all consuming and everlasting, it destroys even the strongest will, as if to taunt.
This is what I feel, every time I think of you."

But i must say that this piece was fantastic!!

Keep writing!

Cheers,

Shiksha!:)

Dang. Let me say, this is fantastic. Just, wow. I don't know the background story to this, but this is just wonderful. You really captured the raw emotion from seeing him/her. I was impressed with your use of verbs (because, well, vivid verbs are everything.) I did, however, see a few areas where you could improve.

"I lay motionless as stone, fighting inside my own skin."

There are two things wrong with that sentence.
One, you should totally avoid clichés. That being said, "motionless as stone" is totally overdone. Maybe you could sprouce up the words a little more -- What are some other motionless items you can think of, particularly items associated with fear? If you can't think of anything, try replacing "motionless" with "halted" or any other synonyms you can think up. I'm sure there are a lot.
Two, you used to wrong form of your verb here. It should be "lie" not "lay. I know, it seems tiny and it's honestly not a detail most writers would pick up on, but trust me, people will notice. If you can't tell whether or not to use "lay" or "lie", keep in mind:

Lay means to set down.
Lie means to rest in a flat position.

Basically, if you're talking about a person, use lie. If you're talking about an item, use lay. (This is all present tense, by the way. I won't go into a full out grammar lesson, but it's definitely something to keep in mind.)

Other than that, my best advice is: Expand. Keep going. As a writer, I always find myself rewriting everything I've ever written. No piece of writing is ever complete. It can always be improved. This, however, is very well written. Amazing job.

Hi there SolitaryCanary,here is Dark to give a review on your poem.

I like the tone of the poem that brings a difference in your poem.Diction is strong and well-writen but there is a little element of Clichés(A metaphor or simile that has become so familiar ) here;

#motionless as stone.-->you actually can express the same idea without cliché to define 'motionless here.

Also I am a little bit confuse with this words here;

#leaves rustling-->Do you mean leaves 'rusting'?Hope you can explain it to me

Not mentioned about grammar,because I am really struggling with grammar every time when trying to write in english(Im still learning for sure)But I think,you do a good job here.
~Kudos,cheers
~Dark.