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16+

More rushed words.

by SolitaryCanary


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Please doctor, lobotomize me, medicate me. I need a fix, because I’m getting the itch and she wont give me what I need. You’re my curse, and my cross to bear, but I can’t stand it when you won’t look at me without animosity. You contradict what you say, you take it back when it means too much to me, you ruin me and then throw me away again and again. I should have never given you the choice, I should never have let you go and kept you as my own. You convoluted my reality and turned my eyes to you, now I am to blame for only seeing you. If I could hate you believe me baby, I would. If I could have lived without you I would have.


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152 Reviews


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:50 pm
Niebla wrote a review...



Hi SolitaryCanary,

I’ve read this a few times, and I’m still not really sure what it’s meant to be. The title certainly seems to fit: the words do seem rushed, and it is easy to believe this was just something scribbled down as a way to cope, a response to an event. Here’s the problem: while things like this might be full of meaning for the person who wrote them, it’s often hard for others to get much out of them. More than anything, it just looks like a short rant to me. Without so much as a proper glimpse of the story behind the rant, it doesn’t leave much of an impression. By itself, it’s not much of...anything, really, other than maybe an idea or fragment of something else.

Here’s another idea: this could grow into something else. At the moment, it’s rough and insubstantial. It could go in any direction; a poem, or a story, or something else entirely. It’s mixed up and doesn’t convey much to the reader other than angst. Perhaps the rushed words could be slowed down a little, just enough to let the reader take them in and show them what they’re actually about. Is there a story behind this? Show us. Slow the words down into prose and show us someone’s experiences or break them up into poetry and let more of the emotion and images come through.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it works well as a literary work...a blog post or mini-rant, maybe, but not much beyond that. The words didn’t express all that much of anything to me as a reader. It might be something that people can look at and think that they relate to but in the form it’s in, it’s hard on the eyes and it confuses more than it conveys.

That’s my main advice, really: try something new. It’s good enough for a mini-rant but if it stays that, it’s probably not going to go much further. But opening up to the possibility of it becoming something else -- a part of a larger story, or a poem which shows the reader something or tells a story of its own -- might take it in a new direction and allow it to grow into something worth reading. I hope this helps.

~Niebla






Thanks Niebla! I know I should expand upon this, as I had intended, but I am also considering leaving it be and moving on. I don't have any requests, so I'm not sure where I'm headed. Thanks a lot for the review!



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171 Reviews


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:39 pm
SecreteJournalist wrote a review...



Hey, SereteJournalist here to review! Welcome to YWS too (: I am reviewing for Green Lanterns, happy review day!

I can tell you have edited this, so their is not a lot to review. But I will work with what I have xD

The emotions throughout this are present. Regret, loathing, but a small spark and zest of love. I almost with their was more detail throughout this, but that's just my opinion.

What I love about this, is that the feelings you have are hard to come by. Most girls over think things, while guys go with the flow, so this is really refreshing to hear.

But really, this is basically my review! You did a good job, keep writing, I will keep reading xD

~Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie




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110 Reviews


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Wed Aug 14, 2013 1:30 am
Gardevite wrote a review...



I'M HERE TO STALK

I'M HERE TO REVIEW!

Firstly just two small things. You said "Believe my baby I would" which would imply that this person is in disbelief of something your baby said. O_o I think you meant to say "Believe me my baby, I would"

Another small thing, in the list line you said "if I could live without you I would have." which is a mix of tenses. You could either say: "If I could live without you I would." or "if I could have lived without you I would have."

Now the emotion in your, ammm, the emotion in your other is very well presented. The constant questions at the beginning scream regret, and towards the end shifts to loathing, in a very good way :D.

Everything checks for my personal taste, after those two grammar mistakes. Keep writing. If you ever want a review, just ask ^_^.

Signing off,
Hightop






Ah hahaha. You know. I wrote this rather quickly as a response to something that had happened and those mistakes, I simply don't see how I missed them. XD Thanks!



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37 Reviews


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Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:21 pm
Jcsmooth wrote a review...



Women are drugs.... only thing wrong that stands out to me is "cross to bear" I dunno why

The looks women give can either make or break you that's for sure

I feel its the same for guys and girls, just depending on the person we get used, abused and thrown away because we care too much.

If only we knew the reactions to or decisions and choices aye

We'll never be able to live without them no matter how hard we want too

All in all I can relate extremely to this poem, it's great. It just speaks well to me as a person, I see the meaning in the words and I won't waste either of or time trying to make it better and keep it as it is





A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl