If Smiles Could Talk - chapter 1

Sometimes smiles could be the best liars.

They deceive you - depending on what kind of smile it is, sometimes it's almost impossible to see through it. But other times, you can just tell that the smile is trying to string you along.

The unfortunate events that lead a person to have to fake their precious smile are not deserved. Although sometimes it could have been prevented, but wasn't, most of the time it was bound to happen.

I do not know what happiness feels like. My whole life has just been a long, continuous cycle of heartbreak, recovery, then more heartbreak. I don't know if I've ever been stable, but I can tell you, I'm not stable now, and I probably never will be, again.

Though no one knows this.

I have not bothered to tell a single soul of this. Nor will I ever bother to open up, for when I'm gone, it will no longer matter.

The world is an utterly cruel place.

The violence never ends. The grief of losing someone beloved hurts forever after losing that person. It's terrible when a mother has to bury her baby, before she is even grey. 

It is a terrible thing, when someone has to give up their life just to let others be free, is it not?

But yet, people smile, and pretend everything is alright, although they know nothing is okay.

And though I'm smiling now, as I speak with people I call friends, that barely helps hide the pain inside, knowing that, ultimately, I'll just be alone. 

I doubt there will be a day when my smile can speak a truth. Though I wish I didn't have to hide my emotions. Of course I have to, though. 

Even if I stop hiding, just for once, I'll never be able to completely convey the years of suppressed grief that have plagued me. 

My friends do not notice, as far as I know-

"Krista? Are you alright?"

No. They can't notice.

"Krista-"

Stop it. Stop pestering me about it.

"Krista, are you...crying?"

Shut up!

A hand touched my shoulder, and I swatted it away. "Krista? ...Are you alright?" Amelia, my first friend, had asked, her voice soft, for once, though she was usually loud. 

I continued to smile, although my eyes were wet, remembering that day of grief so long ago. 

"Krista," she shook me, and I stood. 

"Amelia," my voice was quiet. She was silent.

"Shut up."

I walked off, slowly, as the memories played in my mind, like a continuous movie.

And it wasn't even just what it looked like - I could still smell the death on the air, and I could still hear the consistent sobbing and begging for the pain to end. 

And as it began to rain, I could only remember what my mother's face looked like, shortly before I lost her. 

She was pale, and bloody. She promised she'd survive, but her smile was deceiving. She knew she was going to die. The least she could've done was properly tell me goodbye.

And I was only seven when I'd seen her die.

Her final words to me, before she died, were, "See the world for me, my dear. Chase the wind and touch the sky, for me," 

She smiled, kissed my head, and that was it.

That was the end of it. No 'I love you's, or 'I'll watch over you's. Just those few words.

And for the longest time, I had wanted to do just that. But being young, and alone, that was almost impossible. It was illogical, that I chase the wind, and touch the sky, for what's the point of going on, if you have no one?

Though I suppose there could have been a way to prevent my sadness. 

If I'd just done as my mother said, a long time ago, I probably would have been able to truly survive. 

It's possible that all my life, I've just been dead, waiting for someone to make my heart start to beat. Though my smile always hid the pain in my heart, it only made the pain worse. 

One can only hope for the chance that one day, their smiles would speak the truth, instead of lies.