On the Edge Chapter one

by Snowfire

Published June 5, 2015

Violence

In stories

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Part 1 

Gordan lands in the dew covered grass about a quarter-mile from The Mill. He doesn’t wait for me to get off and I tumble down from his back, scraping my arm-skin on a stray twig. Now I’m wet, covered with short pieces of grass and bleeding cuts. Had this been a normal day Gordan would have started a fight.

Anyway, The Mill is like our safe haven, we live there and some of us were even born there. For as long I can remember The Mill has been my home and always will be. It’s an old abandoned corn mill that looks un-inhibited although many of us are always inside. I think the purpose of The Mill was to keep us protected away from normal people so we can live peacefully. It’s unfortunate to say that we stay there illegally and I’m guessing that’s why the cops showed up. 

From this far flashing red lights followed by blue lights shine through close by trees. A small distance further I see more light. Unlike the cop cars it’s natural and it’s coming from the exact location of The Mill.

“Fire...”

It’s still late or maybe it’s really early, either way it’s dark out giving the fire a frightening backdrop. Only the roof is burning since that’s the only part that is made of wood. Not that much burns really but I stare anyway. The fire illuminates surrounding bushes and the brownish ivy growing on the sides of the mill.

“Go make sure no one is in there,” Gordan commands me. I usually would ignore him telling me what to do, just how could I do that right now when so much is happening. I run towards one of the police cars in search for an explanation. The man inside rolls down his passenger window to speak. 

“Hey girl, get outta here, this is nothing to watch.” He says with a classic accent and I protest. At that moment the policeman started to drive towards The Mill to block off any entrance.

As his car picked up a slow pace, I glared at the rear-view mirror hoping he’d look back at me. When I’m angry my eyes glow a soft red-like-color. 

Just like I thought he might, the Grumpy police officer sees me. I watch the car slow down while he stares confused into his rear view mirror at the girl with eyes like red sapphires.

The officer squints back still confused about what he saw. I run past the car as fast as a tiger it’s another ability I have. There is no kind of path leading towards The Mill so I don’t understand why the Officer thought he could block me off. 

The Mill’s walls are made of stone so I have no trouble walking through the front doors since they are not burning. Quickly I speculate the room. No one here. I check our makeshift dining hall, the smaller rooms, the attic, no one. I am about to leave when I decide to look in the basement.

The ages old door slowly creaks open, it’s huge. The weight of the door almost causes me stop to catch my breath. Inside mildew and harmless mold odor spiral around my nose. I gag briefly and get over it. One of the lights is on but the rest seem to have blown out.  “Is anyone still down here?” I ask the dim room.  The room replies with a deep groan.

Strangely something in the shadows of the back left corner compels me to come closer. I move one step at a time nearing whatever it is or they are. I see a smile with shining bright white pointy teeth. I take a step back.

 

GGGRRRrrr…

 

This thing sounds like an animal whose space has been invaded. The growl was so deep I could feel vibrations through the stone floor.

It progresses towards me and I run, all the way back up the stairs. I heave the door shut as fast as I can, breaking into a sweat. The oversized wooden door shakes violently exposing long deadly claws attempting an escape.

There’s three more inches left until this creature is locked inside. It’s too strong and I know I’m going to die. The smoke finally begins to choke my throat.

Then I hear someone behind me shout:

“--Over there!” and now I hear gunshots.

 

“Magic get away from that door,” a familiar voice warns. I turn my head to look into Christian’s green stern eyes.  I do what he says and clear the way for the officers to keep shooting.

I rush to him swallowing his torso with both arms in the most enormous hug ever. “What’s going on,” I ask in a whisper “Why is all this happening today?” Christian holds me only momentarily.

“I can’t tell you here. Let me deal with this monster,” He says, making me feel dumb. One officer screams in terror. The beast, still keeping shelter behind the large door, managed to pierce quite deeply into their leg. Scarlett blood stains the floor around the flailing person’s body.

 

Comments & reviews · 4
wickedlymuggle wrote a review Review · Jun 12, 2015

Hi Snowfire!(again)
Good job' I really liked your story. I have a few suggestions. The character Christian just sort of popped into the story and I was a little confused. Maybe you can add a little background on him after Magic first talks to him, just to allow your readers you feel more understanding of your story. This also brings me back to Gordan and Magic. Like Christian, I still want to know more background. Anyways, good start and good idea. Keep writing!
(Oh and throughout this whole thing for some reason it reminded me of the Septimus Heap series. Is that just me? This is a compliment by the way.)

Hey thanks,
I know my story is still confusing but if you want, you can PM me and I can answer those questions.Thank you for the suggestions.

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LordofLit101
Review
LordofLit101 wrote a review Review · Jun 11, 2015

What an imaginative start to the story!

Just a couple of tips:

Change 'ages old door' to 'age-old door' as here it doesn't make sense.
Don't capitalize 'Grumpy' as this isn't a name, it's an emotion.

I have some questions to ask about this chapter, first of all, what kind of species are the two main characters? Because clearly they're not entirely human.

Also, I love the way how you've combined both a medievalesque setting and characters with the modern day society, it's very good!

What's the creature? Is it a demon or mythical beast of somekind?

Why do these people supposedly live at the mill? Are they outcasts?

But like I said, the twists of context in this are very good!

Can't wait for the next Chapter!

LordofLit101

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Tallon45
Review
Tallon45 wrote a review Review · Jun 8, 2015

That was really good! "It’s still late or maybe it’s really early," that's kind of confusing what does it mean!? when theres a fire in her home, shouldn't she be freaking out? I know I would.“Hey girl, get outta here, this is nothing to watch.” He says with a classic accent and I protest. At that moment the policeman started to drive towards The Mill to block off any entrance there should be a comma instead of period because its he says, and he shouldn't be capitalized.- “Hey girl, get outta here, this is nothing to watch,” he says with a classic accent and I protest. At that moment the policeman started to drive towards The Mill to block off any entrance. It was really good, you should keep writing, I want to know more!

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dec12
Review
dec12 wrote a review Review · Jun 6, 2015

Hey there dec 12 here

You do a good job of leavening us wondering what this Christian is going to say it makes me want to read more. However I feel like there needs to be more of a scene set and more background info. I don't know your characters at all I have nothing in common with them that i know of there fore as a reader it doesn't make me overly invested in continuing reading. You've got the basic structure now just fine tune it lol
I've made a few suggestions below but my biggest suggestion is expand on the setting and characters is detail. Your first chapter should grab your reader and drag them in .

"It’s still late or maybe it’s really early,"

What ? Night? day?

"either way it’s dark out giving the fire a frightening backdrop." I would go on to describe the flames and how they envelope the mill. Maybe even talk about the mill and how it looks now that it's aflame

"Only the roof is burning since that’s the only part that is made of wood." Again I would describe the mill to give the reader an idea of what it looks like.

"Not that much burns really but I stare anyway. The fire illuminates surrounding bushes and the brownish ivy growing on the sides of the mill."

This is her home she was born here. You've said this is the place that has kept them all safe it was chosen to protect them. I've gathered that she's not human but I feel like she should be more devastated than what she is.

Sorry if this is critical just trying to help !
Good luck







"arm-skin" not necessary just "arm"

"The ages old door" should be "the age old door"

No it's okay, anything is fine



HONK
— The Golden Goose