z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Interrogation

by Snoops


Evan's POV

The interrogation room was cold, with three cameras staring at me, and the clock on the wall told me I was sitting here for over an hour—thanks to Tom, I knew all of these were classic interrogation techniques.

"Good day, Mr Turner", said the same officer that had arrested me as he walked in. He was small, round, bug mustache on his face. His shirt had coffee stains and his head was bald. He reminded me of a sweaty walrus.

"Good day Detective", I said smiling. Always be polite to the enemy, "Please, call me Evan"

"Sorry to keep you waiting", he said, ignoring my comment.

"Not a problem, gives me time to think. I mean, the more you think, the more prepared you are, the less nervous and agitated, am I right?" I said.

"Why would you need to be prepared, Mr. Turner? What do you need to be prepared for?", he asked, sitting down, his arms folded as he sat back.

I mimicked his actions, then smiled. "I'm eighteen, I'm preparing for life. I mean, there is so much I still need to learn. Maybe I could get some wisdom out of you?" I asked, then got closer to him, "For example, how do I pay taxes?"

He didn't like the joke.

"Mr. Turner, will you look at the photos please?", he said, standing up again.

"I love photos. Always great to relive memories, don't you think?", I asked. Detective Nathans stayed quiet.

"This is you right?", he asked. It was a security camera picture of me, a close up.

"Yes sir, I think so", I said.

"Yes or no, Mr.Turner?"

"Yo," I said simply.

"Excuse me?", he said harshly and loudly, getting way too close in my personal bubble.

"Yo—yes and no together. Made it myself, what do you think?", I smiled.

"This picture shows you in Paris, on the first day of school which you attended", he dropped another photo on the desk, "this is you in Canada buying maple syrup", he dropped another photo, "here you are again, on the same day, buying fish in Portugal", he dropped another photo,"here you are in London with your sister Abigail and brother Tom,in the National Science Museum. Do you want me to go on?"

I didn't say anything.

He dropped another photo, "Here you are, three weeks ago, strolling throw a busy market in Brazil", he laughed, then dropped three other photos,"All of these were taken in the same day, in Japan, Norway and Sydney", he said.

After that day I hadn't been able to walk all week.

"Don't they say you have six people on average that look like you?" I said, leaning back, looking him straight in the face, "You must have found them"

"Because these people here aren't you, are they?", he said.

"I've never left the country. You can check my passport"

"We did check it.That's why we're asking", he muttered, then sat down. He looked at me again, took off his glasses, and rubbed his eyes.

"Fine, fine, Mr.Turner", he said under his breath, then smirked, "Let's talk about something else, okay?"

"Whatever you want", I said, trying my best to smile as delightful as I could.

"Is this your sister Emma Turner?", he asked.

"Yeah, she is", I said. Suddenly, my stomach was swirling.

"She was seen fleeing the crime scene of the building that was set on fire at your school, seconds after it happened", he said.

"She was trying to get away, like we already told the police. What are you trying to say? That a fourteen year old should just stay where she is when a fire breaks loose?" I asked casually.

Emma was the sloppiest of us all. Never caring if anyone saw.

"She would know what to do in case of fire, wouldn't she? Since she's been involved in five fires", he said. I looked at the pictures that he placed on the desk. I swear it must be at least six now.

"Mr. Turner?" he said.

"You're correct. What has the fire department done to prevent these fires? I mean, she's traumatized. Five fires and only fourteen. This is awful", I said.

"So she wasn't involved in any of these?", he asked.

"Detective Nathans,are you suggesting a two year old committed arson?" I asked curiously.

"You're right. That would be crazy wouldn't it?", he laughed, "I mean, all these things are crazy aren't they? Your sister Maya Turner being in a freak pipe accident in the toilets of the school when she was ten. There had been many reports that she was being bullied but after that it stopped. In Ashley Mace's witness report, she swore Maya did it".

"Well, she must of hit her head with a pipe. What does Maya know of plumbing?", my back relaxed on the chair.

This man knows our secret. He knows everything.

" Mr. Turner, all of your family has reports on them. Tom Turner who is often seen with dangerous wild animals so much that the animal service had to complain, William and Juliet who were both involved in a freak accident where William Turner supposedly stopped a bus with his hands and Juliet Turner saved the bus driver, who would of died, said paramedics", he said, reading the report out of the file.

"Well, Sir, I don't think you, such a handsome and intelligent man really believes that William, a sixteen year old, stopped a bus with his bare hands, and Juliet just made sure the bleeding stopped. She wants to be a doctor. Reads a lot of books. And Tom? Well, Tom just makes friends easily",I say.

I needed to tell Mum and Dad. Dammit, I really didn't feel like moving again.

"Tom just makes friends with eagles, bears, wolves, stray cats, dogs, crows?" he shouted.

"Look, I'm not one to judge", I said, my hands in the air.

"Your neighbors do judge, they once reported that they saw your little brother Theodore Turner fly through the house", he said, showing the report.

"This is in his file? Really? The boy is four. For a Detective you really don't have good sources"

"Look, Mr. Turner,I'm just wondering why all of these things happen, that's all."

"Bad luck, maybe?"

"Bad luck, huh? Mr.Turner, you can leave now. And go home, will you, it's getting dark." The detective said, walking towards the door and opening it.

I stood up, put my jacket on, smiled, then whistled all the way out of the station.


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Points: 291
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Wed Mar 08, 2017 7:26 pm
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NathanSmith wrote a review...



Hey Lau2001, (or as we say where I am Tjena!)

So, if you do not mind I will be reviewing your story.
First off, I loved the title, that is what drew me in to the story, your writing style flows and is enjoyable to read, while there are a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there (I saw that other reviewers already covered them I will not do so if you do not mind) these happen all the time.
Your main character has a sharp and witty sense of humor which I really enjoyed, the Detective was very well written, he was very well described and sounded like a few policemen that I have dealt with on occasion.
I would suggest reading the entire story out loud after you finish writing a part, reading out load allows you to hear how the words flow and if there are any grammatical mistakes that are obvious. It also allows you to see if everything flows together when you take a long break from writing that specific story.
All in all I have to say that I really liked the story and I would love to read more of it, if only to discover if the rest of the family have the same sharp witty sense of humor.
Keep writing and Have Fun!!!!!!!
N.S




Snoops says...


Heyy!! I need to ask...what happened that you had to talk to police officers yourself?

If you want to read the rest I posted it here: https://www.wattpad.com/352652784-the-t ... y-prologue

Take a look! :)

And thanks for the review!



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Mon Feb 27, 2017 10:18 pm
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Daisy wrote a review...



Hello! I'm not an expert in grammar and all of that, for I'm still learning myself, so I don't think I can correct you on that but I thought I could give you my general opinion.
I must say that I really enjoyed reading your work. It has a very nice combination of humor and fantasy which made even me, someone who's not very into fantasy, enjoy reading it.
I was very interested in the main character and I loved his sassiness. I was also glad that you were able to get us to know the characters and their powers without exhaustive description.
I would love to read more about them.
Keep up the good work!




Snoops says...


Hey Daisy! Thank you for the review! I' not an expert either in grammar. Twinsies! :) Still, thank you for taking the time to review! Could I ask you, what do you think is going to happen? And what part did you enjoy the most?



Daisy says...


I have no idea what's going to happen but my favorite part hast to be the main character's comebacks, I have a soft spot in my heart for sassy people.



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:35 am
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voiceofdragons wrote a review...




Hey you! It's voiceofdragons blastin' in for a review! So you tagged this as action, adventure, and humour--which is my jam! Excited to begin.

...room was cold, with three cameras staring at me...
the way you wrote this almost makes it seem like the reason the room is cold is because there are cameras "staring" at our narrator? I'm not sure if that bit works in this sentence. Perhaps mention he/she is being monitored by cameras in another sentence?

...I was sitting her...

I'm unsure what you're doing with your tenses. I thought you were doing past tense, which would be, "I had been sitting" or what not. Also I'm pretty sure you meant "here" instead of "her". Also, the "T" in thanks should not be capitalised because it is in the middle of the sentence, friend.

The commas should be inside the dialogue marks.

Since it is a title, "Detective" in "Detective Nathans" should be capitalised.

Oh, my apologies, Good day Detective Nathans
try "...apologies. Good" or "...apologies--good" or simply don't capitalise "good" at all as it is in the middle of the sentence.

This is the second time you've used "I said smiling". Maybe write, "I said, still smiling" or "I said, smiling once more/again".

I mean, the more you think...am I right?", I said
okay since you already have the punctuation from that dandy question mark there you don't need that extra comma at the end. Speaking of commas, I feel like this sentence I indicated is a run on. I'd break it up a little.

I feel like Nathans asked the same question twice there. And again, no need for the extra comma there. (?", thing).

"Then got closer to him." Maybe, leaned over the table towards him instead? I'm assuming there's a table.

Instead of "stayed" try "remained".

"Yo," I said simply. (Comma).

"This* is you..." "Here* you are in..." (capitalise first letters of the first words in these sentences.)

...strolling throw...
through

...Japan, Norway and Sydney",
Japan, Norway, and Sydney,"

you must of found them"
must've, must have. them,"

"Are they?" He asked.

...passport."

Second fine shouldn't be capitalised.

"As delightful as I could" try "delightfully"

"Maceys" should be "Macey's"

The dialogue after "he knows everything" is run on sentence.

Your punctuation should be inside the quotation marks when using dialogue. Try to deviate from the word "said". (Said is dead and all that.)

This is all really interesting! I would love to read a continuation! Keep up the good stuff!




Snoops says...


I am editing the work! Thank you! If you want to keep reading I have the rest on my wattpad account.
https://www.wattpad.com/352652784-the-t ... y-prologue



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Sat Feb 25, 2017 11:44 pm
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BlueSunset wrote a review...



Hey there, Lau! I'm Sunset, and I will be reviewing your short story today.

Quite an intense and interesting idea you've got going around here. Before I get much into anything else, I would like to go over some grammatical and punctuation errors.

The interrogation room was cold, with three cameras staring at me, and the clock on the wall told me I was sitting her for over an hour—Thanks to Tom, I knew all of these were classic interrogation techniques.

Small spelling mistake. I believe "her" should be "here".
“Oh, my apologies, Good day Detective Nathans”, I said smiling. He didn't look that pleased.

Change to something like, "Oh, my apologies. Good day, Detective Nathans". Since Mr. Nathans holds a rank as a detective, that would be capitalized. I noticed you hadn't capitalized it a particular time in the story. It only would need to be capitalized with the name, though.
He dropped another photo, “Here you are, three weeks ago, strolling throw a busy market in Brazil”

Positive "throw" should be "through".
“Don't they say you have six people on average that look like you?” I said, leaning back, looking him straight in the face, “You must of found them”

First of all, period at the end of the sentence dialogue. Second, you used the phrase must of twice in this whole story, one of them being later through. It's actually a quite common error, but the correct wording is must have.
The end of this short was acceptable, to me, I got confused as the story progressed much farther:
I needed to tell Mum and Dad. Dammit, I really didn't feel like moving again.

What did he need to tell his parents? That they had to move (for whatever reason), or what he was up to? Adding more to this wouldn't hurt.

Quick lesson here. I was researching using quotation marks and punctuation a while back, and I learned for the first time that putting commas/periods outside or inside of the quotations depends on where you live or where you're from. Just a fun fact I had learned, and it was nice to discover.

Improvements
We all know everything can use improvements. The main thing that I feel like should be added to is description and details. A great majority of your short story is dialogue, which may make sense since it is an interrogation. But like the first paragraph of this short story, the rest of this could use some more imagery. What does Detective Nathans look like? Possibly description of the photos showed to Mr. Turner? What about more details of the room they were in? I'm also curious of how old Mr. Turner is, what his first name is, etc.

Overall
In my general eye to this story, it was actually pretty clever, and I like the concept of mystery and action tied together in a quick questioning. I thought your effort to having personality in your main character was really amazing. He was pretty funny, I have to admit, and let off an almost cocky attitude. Humorous attitude. I liked it.
Thank you for sharing your writing! Quite interesting, and I enjoyed reading further and further. ;)

Sincerely,
BlueSunset




Snoops says...


Thank you for all the tips! I will definitely work on it! Glad you enjoyed it.



BlueSunset says...


No problem! :D



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Sat Feb 25, 2017 11:09 pm
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skylnn00writes says...



First paragraph: you wrote her instead of here. I wanted to keep reading however when I read this. Also, all of your commas are outside of your quotation marks. Make sure they are inside.

"She must have hit her head with a pipe" not "must of hit". Similarly, "who would have died" not "would of" a couple lines later.

I would change the second to last paragraph to "And go home will you? It's getting dark." The question kind of gets lost with the comma. That is, if you intended it as a question.

This story is absolutely hilarious. Please keep writing. I want to know the rest.




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Sat Feb 25, 2017 11:09 pm
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skylnn00writes wrote a review...



First paragraph: you wrote her instead of here. I wanted to keep reading however when I read this. Also, all of your commas are outside of your quotation marks. Make sure they are inside.

"She must have hit her head with a pipe" not "must of hit". Similarly, "who would have died" not "would of" a couple lines later.

I would change the second to last paragraph to "And go home will you? It's getting dark." The question kind of gets lost with the comma. That is, if you intended it as a question.

This story is absolutely hilarious. From the moment I started reading it the main characters spunky attitude made me smile. I do wonder however what kind of supernatural abilities all of them have and where they come from, so please keep writing. I want to know the rest.




Snoops says...


hey! Thanks for the tips! English is my third language. If you want to read the rest, here it is on Wattpad if you want: https://www.wattpad.com/352652784-the-t ... y-prologue





I will definitely check that out and give you a follow :smt001



Snoops says...


Thank you!




You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling