Chapter Two.
Just like any other day, I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, tried to make a healthy breakfast but ultimately choose for coco pops and left the house. My dads had already left for work and not bothered waking me up. It had snowed all night and it was freezing. The rush of air flushed my face and I breathed it all in. Gosh, I loved snow. I made it a point to pass by ashed house. I needed to see it, just to make sure I hadn't dreamed it. Because I walked this time, it took longer than ten minutes, and because I wasn't really in a rush to go home and be alone all day, I took my time. The best part of the twenty minute walk was Lu hadn't said a single word, not even when I smiled to a stranger or when I hummed to a song playing loudly on the radio of a passing car. I wasn't really a happy-happy-everything-is-fine kid, but honestly, just because Lu hated it so much, I couldn't stop doing it. If he wanted to live in my head, I might as well give him a hard time about it.
The house was exactly like yesterday. Completely destroyed and in ashes. But, because of the snows attempt to whiten it, it looked almost like something kinda pretty. The way the ash and snow combined was sorta wonderful. And all I wanted to do was stay there and watch it.
“Beautiful, isn't it?” A voice behind me said. It was a young guy, not more than twenty. His skin matched his clothes. Light grey. As if his face was ashed. Just like the house. Only his hair was black...and his eyes. Maybe it was just very very dark brown?
“Yeah”, I whispered. I kept my eyes focused on the house.
“I heard a girl went into that building while it was burning and came out without a scratch”, he commented.
“Interesting”, I forced my lips into a tight smile. I didn't know why, but he made me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable even.
“Hi, I'm Benjamin. But you can call me Ben.”
“Rosie”, I faked a smile and started to walk the other way. I let down my guard when I saw that he stayed where he was. Watching the ashed house. I let out a breathe and kept walking. As I passed the corner, he was right beside me. Leaning against the wall.
“Hey Eden” he smiled brightly. My heart stopped and instinctively I looked back at the house. He wasn't there anymore...but how did he do that? And how did he know my name? “There's someone who wants to see you.”
I didn't even answer. I just turned around and started to run. I ran past the burned house again, trying to get away from him quickly. I looked around for witnesses, anyone, he wouldn't try doing anything if there were people watching? Right? I have to be honest, I lost my breath pretty quickly. I swooped around a corner and pushed my head against it to catch my breathe. I looked back past the corner to see if he was close-but he was gone.
Quickly, I grabbed my phone out of my pocket. I was about to call my dads when the phone was nicked from my hands.
“Now, why would you need that?” Ben asked. He threw the phone on to the floor and crushed it with the heel of his foot. He smirked wildly.
“What do you want?” was all I could say.
“I already told you, someone downstairs wants to talk to you.” his smirk widened and all I wanted to do was punch him.
“Downstairs?” I asked. He nodded slowly and kept his black eyes on me. “Who might that be?” I needed to keep him occupied, all I needed was to see anyone and call for help, but the streets were as empty as the desert.
“You've met him.” he said slowly, as if every word were very fragile.
I needed to get out of here now. I took a slow breath, preparing myself, if I wanted to get away I needed to run faster this time, and get home. As if he knew what I was doing, he grabbed my wrist tightly.
“Uh-uh-uh” He said shaking his finger at me mockingly.
“I'm not going anywhere with you!” I said. My voice was soft and it trembled.
“Yes you're-”
“No she isn't!” A boy yelled from across the street. He was short and incredibly skinny. He had a long face and it seemed like his ears and nose were still too big for it. And what stood out most was his shaggy blond hair which seemed a little like hay.
“Who are you?” Ben screamed. Then the boy stammered back a little as if the question took him completely off guard. “You're not a guardian! Even guardians don't take scruffy ones like you.”
Guardian?
“I'm Owen. I'm not a guardian. I'm here to save her.” He said matter of factly. I couldn't help but notice that the I'm Owen, kinda sounded like I'm superman.
End of chapter
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139,270 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Don don don! Gymnast strikes again for The Black Cat Squad!
Well, you know my review style by now so let's get down to it!
I can tell that the first paragraph needs to be broken up some just by looking at it. Also, there are some things you could cut out to make it a bit clearer and down-to-the-point. And while reading, I can't tell if she's going to school/her therapist or going home. This needs to be clearer for the reader to understand.
-...choose for coco pops... -
I think this was just a typo, but 'coco pops' should be Coco Puffs, unless from wherever you live, there is a cereal called Coco Pops. But then it should still be capitalized.
- My dads had always... -
Again, same problem as the last chapter.
- ...like something kinda pretty. -
Add an apostrophe to 'kina' but I feel like you could change it to Kind Of for a better word selection and grammar use.
- ...was sorta wonderful. -
Same problem as above.
Ooo, I have a guess at who Ben is. But my thing is, the first time he says, "Someone wants to see you." and the second time, he says. "I already told you, someone downstairs wants to talk to you."
These two don't 100% add up so I would recommend changing it so that they do.
- He said matter of factly. -
Change it to matter-of-factly.
Oh my gosh, I LOVE it!! You make it better and better every time!! I have a suspicion that Owen is Lu maybe? Or at least knows/works with him. And Ben is a bad guy? See, these questions are driving me mad and I want to read on to know what happens!
I think this was either your first or second best chapter/part! You really showed Eden's emotions and exposed her to what she would to in a time of crisis, such as now. Bravo! I like the length and you always expose more questions on every part! Just don't forget to answer a few too--but I think your fine for right now because your not epvery far in at all.
Again, I really wish you would keep writing this!!!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad!
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
Wow, this was really well written, and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens next (I anticipate a big showdown between Ben and Owen, with some kind of ninja-fight moves, and explosions, and Owen swooping dramatically to the rescue. Erm, or something like that anyway) It feels slightly cliché that Owen’s turned up just when Eden needs him, but other than that it’s awesome!
Ew, cut down this big meaty paragraph or your readers’ attention might start to wander. Three or four sentences is probably the ideal paragraph length (I definitely wouldn’t regularly go beyond five or six)
I understand you want to show Eden’s language use, but I’d recommend changing it to “sort of”.
Why is Grey capitalised?
Commented feels… I don’t know. A bit clunky? I’d personally say “he remarked” but that’s just me.
You’ve used this word a few times, but I don’t know what it means and I’m not sure that it’s really a word at all. I’d change it to “burnt down” or something similar.
When did Robin get mentioned? I’d change it to a character who’s already been mentioned, like one of her dads, rather than invent a new character solely for the purpose of name-dropping.
Firstly, I’m not sure “wildly” is appropriate here and “smirked” is a strong verb which doesn’t really need any adverbs. Also, it feels a bit cliché that he crushes her phone, but that’s probably just me.
What kind of dessert? Black Forest Gateau? Angel Delight? I’m probably being annoyingly facetious here but you got the wrong spelling of the word. It should be “desert”.
Awesome, awesome line.
I don’t think I have anything else to say (just be sure to check on those speech tags!) and I think I’ve mentioned everything I spotted. I really enjoyed reading it.
Great job!
Great, dessert is what I meant! duh! Have you never seen an empty dessert?
I like what you have going in here. I would really like to know more about Owen and these guardian people. One question though. If Owen isn't a guardian, then how does he know about them? I think in the next few chapters the whole story of the guardians and how Owen found out about them should be revealed. Ben interests me also. He seems to be a little like these creatures called Drows, which are a breed of dark elves. (My story is based a little bit of old English lore, so I've come to know my monsters pretty well.) is Ben a Drow? And if so, are other magical creatures wandering around as well? Also, I would like to know about Eden's friend Robin. Does he ever come into the story, or did you just mention him in passing? The way you left me guessing was a great way to keep me interested, by and large, this was amazing! Make sure to tell me when you post the next chapter!
Loves!
TheFantasy14
Only thing I will reveal is that Robin is no one. Sorry.