z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

The Guardians chapter one part one

by Snoops


Part One

Chapter One

“He called you a bad word.” I told her. I was sitting in a room full of colourful books and Be happy boards on the wall.

“He's here right now?” The therapist asked, she was tall, with big round glasses and a tight bun.

“Yes.” Lu was telling me exactly what he thought of my new therapist Dr. Aaron.

“What does he call himself?” She asked, her huge curious eyes staring at me intensively.

“Lu.” her head now turned to her notepad, scribbling long loopy words. They were always the same questions, the only difference from each new therapist was the medication and the size of the bun tucked behind their head.

Why don't we just storm out? Let turtle neck write something new in your file.

“How does he behave? Is he nice to you? Does he talk a lot? Describe him.” She asked, her pen leaned on her chin.

“He's very chatty. Never shuts up.”

I never shut up? My ass, you enjoy my company. “I would also like to add that he's very cocky.” I smiled.

I'm rolling my eyes, Ede.

If you only had eyes Lu...maybe that would be a little more impressive...

“Now Eden, do you feel obligated to do everything he asks? When he says something in your head? Does he order you to do any specific tasks?”

“Nope, never. Just friendly conversation.” I said, smiling innocently.

I knew that wasn't what she wanted to hear.

“Okay, but imagine you're at school or home, and you're too busy to talk to him, can you ignore him?”

“Well, if I can mute him? No, but ignoring is easy.”

“What about Lu? Is he the only voice in your head? Does anyone else speak sometimes?”

“No, one voice is enough. Thank you very much.” I say, smiling.

See, you just admitted it! All you need is me!

No, I would be very happy with you gone. What I would like is to have only one voice in my head—my own.

You just can't admit I'm a delight.

“Now Eden, imagine you were stuck on a desert island—” she starts to say, when she was interrupted by a knock on the door. Finally.

Is this woman a therapist or does she want to host twenty questions?

“Your next patient is here.” the secretary said at the door.

“Oh, seems it's time. Well, Thursday then?” the therapist asked.

I nodded and bolted outside the door, rushing past the next sad and depressed kid walking past me.

Why did we have to leave? I was really starting to like that therapist. She had some sexy glasses.

“Shut up!” I huffed.

With a scarf around my neck and big winter boots on, I stepped outside into the snow.

No, I mean it, Dr. Aaron is fine.

I could tell by how you called her turtle neck in there, I said, walking through the streets back home.

No, no, that was me flirting.

Oh god no, the last thing I want in my life is a love triangle with me, you and Dr. Aaron.

Hey, why are you involved in our romance?

Last time I checked, you can't really leave my head, can you? I taunted. Lu didn't say a word and I smiled.

Suddenly a frail old lady runs up to me. Her skinny knees sticking out of her night gown as she grabs my hands. The woman eyes were wide and she shook all over. She seemed terrified.

“Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!” she yelled. Her screams echoing around the street.

“Who's Arnold?”,

“Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!” she yelled louder.

“Please, who's Arnold? Where's Arnold?” I tried to ask calmly, but a sudden chaotic wave of heat threw me and the woman on the floor. My head hit the pavement as I watched the small white house burn.

“My grandson...my grandson..” she mumbles quietly. Her arms were trying to get herself up but all she managed to do was tremble and mumble. I thought about helping her, but my gaze was stuck on the house. It was in flames. The baby blue curtains turning into a chaotic black. Smoke was errupting from the house and everything was crumbling.

“Arnold...” the old lady mumbled again.

I ran to the already burned down door, looking inside.

“Arnold? Arnold?” I yelled inside. The smoke already making its way to my lungs.

I took a deep breathe, and ran inside.

“Stop that! Little girl! Hey!” people screamed.

Bit late now, ain't it?

Through the smoke I could still make out that I was in a hallway, to the left I think I saw a kitchen, maybe through that door was a living room? It was impossible to tell. Where was I supposed to check first?

Where would you hide from fire?

My dads room.

I staggered slowly to the stairs in front of me, as I tried to climb on the first step, it broke. My knee scraped against the staircase as I fell to the floor. The staircase cracking beneath me.

Breathing heavily, I forced myself up, my hands burning against the floor as I touched it. I grabbed the railing and pulled myself up. I was already sweating, my heart beating in my ears, and it felt like someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the air and left me with nothing to breathe. I slowly walked up the stairs, pushing my shirt over my mouth. It didn't help, I was still coughing like a 70 year old chain smoker. My throat burning.

“Arnold?” I called out again.

Was I too late? I couldn't be too late. I took a sharp breath and pulled myself up to the second floor. My hands were red and black, my shoes felt like they were melting and my head was hot enough to cook an egg. Pull yourself together. Come on.

Coughing loudly, I walked to one of the rooms on the left side of the hall.

Get out of here. Seriously, why did the therapist ask if I do stupid things? You can easily do them without me!

“Anyone...anyone in here!” I could barely hear my own voice. “Hello!” I called out again, the beating in my ears getting stronger and stronger. On the floor there was a small pink elephant doll burning, it's ears black from the flames. It just lay there in the middle of the room, staring at me, it's beady fake eyes aligned with mine. Was there a kid sleeping in this room?

“Hello! You don't have to be scared if you're in here! I'm here to help!” I scream. Hoping to see anything move in between the black smoke fogging the whole room.

“Arnold?”

I stopped myself from coughing just long enough to hear a small unsteady noise. It was coming from under the bed. I basically dropped myself to the hot floor and let my already bloody knee become a burned one too.

I looked under the bed.

It's impossible to see anything here.

I steadied myself and closed my eyes, then pushed my arm out and reached for anything or anyone. My fingers stretched out in the fire when I felt a small hand reach out to me.

For a second, everything was silent.

The small fingers wrapped around me. He couldn't be more than four years old. I pulled him out with all my strenght. Through dust and scruff I saw two brown eyes emerge and dark brown hair. He looked too small and too skinny and too frail to still be alive. I pulled him tight to my chest and stood up one foot at a time.

Get out. Get out now.

I coughed my way out of the room, feeling Arnold weakly holding me too.

Suddenly, the roof cracked. Instinctively I look up and see the ceiling collapse on itself, smashing me down. I tried moving my arms, but my whole body was pinned to the floor. I opened my mouth, ready to scream for help, ready to yell out, but no noise came out.

Eden, come on, pull yourself up. You aren't going to die like this! Come on.

My head was spinning, I couldn't move, I felt my heart race slower and slower, my eye lids were closing, I can't die now. No. No. Stay focused. The kid...the kid...think about the kid... my eyes were blurry and slowly closing...and then everything went pitch black. 


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Fri Jul 21, 2017 6:21 pm
BlueSunset wrote a review...



Hello there, Snoops! I'm just going to hop in real quick for a review which hopefully helps you out!
This was a pretty interesting idea! I mean, voices in your head, conversations through the mind? I thought it was a cool concept, and I definitely haven't seen it around before.
I do have a suggestion to make. After I read a little through this chapter, I realized it might be easier on the reader (or at least me) if the conversations in the character's head were aligned to the right - opposite of the other writing - to help separate the thoughts and have a clue to when they are speaking to each other.

I nodded and bolted outside the door, rushing past the next sad and depressed kid walking past me.

How does Eden know that this kid is depressed? By his appearance? How? Also, I think "sad" isn't really necessary in this sentence, because other side affects for depression is sadness and other mood swings. You can keep it in here, it's perfectly fine, but it just doesn't sound right if you read it over again.
“Who's Arnold?”,

Take the comma out from the end there. This is your chance to show some emotion. Was she scared? Wouldn't you have some emotion and feelings if an old lady ran up to you, grabbing your hands? It is important to use emotion and description, so you can build up your characters, and we can get to know them better. Also, when the old woman grabs Eden's hands, describe her appearance more, hinting to the fact that there is a fire. For example:
Her arms were tinted a color of charcoal, coughing and wheezing as she approached me.
You get the idea.
My head hit the pavement as I watched the white house burn.

It shouldn't be "the". It should be "a". We have no memory or experience with this house, do we? So it should be "a".
I tried to ask calmly, but a sudden chaotic wave of heat threw me and the woman on the floor.

It should be "ground," not "floor" since they're outside. How did the heat throw the two on the ground, anyway? Was there and explosion, a blast of fire?
I took a deep breathe, and ran inside.

"Breath" not "breathe".
“Stop that! Little girl! Hey!” people screamed.

I think you should mention earlier on when the MC discovers the fire that people begin to crowd around them and whisper and talk. Otherwise it appears as though they popped out of no where.

Overall, this was interesting, to say the least. I would work on adding to your characters, along with more description and emotion. You have lots of dialogue, which is nice, but for all of this to happen in one chapter, you should balance those elements out. Speaking of all that has happened, it was a lot to take in. You put so much into one chapter that I don't know what I feel at the end. I don't really know Eden, or Lu. I'm kind of confused as to why she went into a burning house. Sure, she wants to save someone, but how come she felt so obliged to do so? This is a good first draft, but could really be edited and brought to a whole new level. Just keep writing!
It was actually a cool idea, I'd love to see more! Just make sure to work on connections with the reader and main character, because we want to get to know them in order to feel more for these characters.
Nice job, and hopefully this review helped and wasn't too harsh. Just trying to get my ideas to improve out there. ;)

BlueSunset




Snoops says...


Thank you so much for the review! I will definitely work hard to fix it!



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Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:04 pm
Persistence wrote a review...



Hey Snoops, how's it going?


First I'm gonna comment on the structure:

“He called you a bad word.” I told her.


- here you should put a comma after "word" instead of a full stop. When you use dialogue tags like "said", "told", "joked", "explained", you put a comma before the quotation mark instead of a full stop. When the character performs an action after speaking, you put a full stop before the quotation mark. You might want to check other places in the chapter for this as well, so that I don't bore you by commenting on every single instance of it.

“He's here right now?” The therapist asked


- here the word "The" should be with a lowercase "t". Dialogue tags (which include "asked", "said", "told", "spoke" and such) always start with a lowercase letter, even if they come after exclamation and question marks. Check other places in the chapter for this too.

The therapist asked, she was tall, with big round glasses and a tight bun.


- here the comma between "asked" and "she" should be a full stop and "she" should be capitalized. They are both separate sentences.

“Lu.” her head now turned to her notepad


- here "her head now turned" is not a dialogue tag, but a separate action from her speaking, so it should be capitalized because it is a new sentence.

I really like the use of bold letters to differentiate the character's voice from the voices of the other characters. As soon as I saw it I remembered what this was and I do remember liking it back then as well!

Maybe when Lu speaks through the PoV character, because it's like they both speak at the same time, you could keep the quotation marks while also making the letters bold? It would be like they're both speaking at the same time. Just something I think is worth considering.

They were always the same questions, the only difference from each new therapist was the medication and the size of the bun tucked behind their head.


- here you should put a semicolon instead of a comma between the words "questions" and "the". They are logically linked so they can be part of the same sentence, but grammatically they don't stand this way. Either that, or if you want to keep the comma you should change "the only difference from... was" to "the only difference from... being".

I think you need a way to distinguish the narrator from when Eden speaks in his head. The narrator talks in past tense and Eden in present, so that is the only difference between them and it is very confusing. What you could do is use italics when Eden speaks in his head and normal letters when the narrator conveys the plot. This is a really good example of how confusing it can be if you keep it like this:

Last time I checked, you can't really leave my head, can you? I taunted. Lu didn't say a word and I smiled.

Suddenly a frail old lady runs up to me. Her skinny knees sticking out of her night gown as she grabs my hands. The woman eyes were wide and she shook all over. She seemed terrified.


- Here you can see why, like I said, the tense being the only difference between the narration and Eden speaking in his head really doesn't work. When you said "suddenly a frail old lady runs up to me" you aren't clear about what you mean. Is the narrator Eden talking or is the character Eden talking in his head to Lu? Is the narrator Eden progressing the plot by saying an old lady bumped into her, or is the character Eden telling Lu a story about an old lady having bumped into her? If the former is the case, then your tenses are inconsistent. You should stick with either past tense of present tense. Otherwise, it gets really really confusing.

Through the smoke I could still make out that I was in a hallway, to the left I think I saw a kitchen, maybe through that door was a living room?


- here between the words "kitchen" and "maybe" there should be a semicolon. If you want to keep the comma, you should put an "and" after it.

My dads room.


- If you want to say "The room of my dads", it should be "My dad's room", with an apostrophe. "My dads room" means something along the lines of "my room that is meant for dads".

I staggered slowly to the stairs in front of me, as I tried to climb on the first step, it broke.


- here there should either be a semicolon between "me" and 'as", or a full stop. If you want to keep the comma, you should use a conjunction like "and" or "but" after the comma.

My knee scraped against the staircase as I fell to the floor. The staircase cracking beneath me.


- here "the staircase cracking beneath me" should be "the staircase cracked beneath me". If you want to keep it "cracking beneath me, you should make it part of the previous sentence and separate it with a comma.

- there is a similar situation later on in: "I was still coughing like a 70 year old chain smoker. My throat burning."

Through dust and scruff I saw two brown eyes emerge and dark brown hair.


- this sentence is grammatically correct but it sounds a bit awkward with the "and dark brown hair" part. Maybe you could put the word "emerged" at the end of the sentence after "hair"? That I think would work better.




Okay, so about the content:

I really like the idea of it! Of having some kind of voice in the character's head that at this point we can only guess if it's psychological or if it's Lu as in Lucifer. Also, the usage of bold letters really combines form and content in order to deliver meaning, and I always like that about art.

I'm not acquainted with the whole novel, so I can't actually comment much on the content because I don't know what is important and what is intentional. But so far I think it's good and it has a lot of potential. I think if you take the advice I gave you about keeping the tenses consistent and differentiating the narrator from when Eden speaks to himself, it will make a huge difference and make everything more clear. Anyway, keep at it!

Hope this review's helpful. I'm out of practice and I'm really sick today, so that's my excuse if it's not that good. Have a great day!




Snoops says...


Hey!!! Thanks so much!!! Great help. I will work on it today!!




Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero