Stepping by and by under the shades of blue lit with moon light... just after the rain has showered.. breeze along your path realizing the freshness and chill around... with you a friend walking hand in hand both sharing in load of memories :)
Happy faces.. Pleasant outside.. Peace inside..!
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Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello, and WELCOME TO YWS!
Anyway, on with the review!
If you have any questions about the site, feel free to ask me! I'll give you my best answer!
You know, there is something I really like about this piece, and I can't quite place my finger on it. But there's also something that I really don't like in this piece that I also can't quite pinpoint.
It's not really the shortness - the length, in my opinion, doesn't really matter all that much in something like this. It's just - I can't quite tell what this is supposed to be. Dracula is right, I did feel transported to this natural, peaceful place, but I think the overall format of this is really distracting. I think that if you wrote this in poetry format rather than short story-ish format, that this can become even better, and it might not be as distracting! Here's an example of how that might look -
Or something along those lines at least. It has a more "flowy" nature that reminds me more of a poem than anything, is why I suggest this.
Other than that, the story being told here is nice, however, I would like more on the "being with a friend". You've given me the peaceful part, now give me more of the "cherished warm" part of being with people you love! I like the last part though - I felt like it was a good ending to it - and it wrapped up quite nicely ( the - pleasant outside, peace inside part!)
Anyway, good job! Keep writing!
~Snazzy
Hey there, Snehaaneginhal, and a big (super big!) welcome to the Young Writers Society! I hope you love it here, which I'm sure you will.
Though this piece was pretty small, it transported me to a very relaxing, peaceful place. I could imagine myself walking along the path with a friend, breathing in the smell of wet earth, feeling the wind, bathing in the moonlight. I could imagine all that just because of your words, and the place I was teleported to was happy, just like you said: pleasant outside, peaceful inside. In fact, I think this would work really well as a poem, with some extra formatting. Instead of using the three periods, you could split the sentences into different lines. Experiment with beginning lines at different times, and play with commas and capitalisation. The only real nitpick I have with this is this bit: with you a friend walking hand in hand both sharing in load of memories. It doesn't quite make sense. I think you should reword it to something like this: with a friend, walking hand in hand, sharing loads of memories. But like I said, this has beautiful imagery and it really did transport me to a wonderful place. Thank you for sharing and, again, welcome to Yewis!