After the death of you

Hey SmileWithoutRegret!

Sorry for missing this the first time! Still, better late than never, right?

One thing that struck me while reading this piece was how… sex-centered it is. I remember reading C.S. Lewis’s work, “A Grief Observed” in which he is tormented by the fact that his wife died. And it’s such a raw, powerful voice when he writes. Anyway, he doesn’t really write about their love life (though he does mention that he misses their love making). Instead, he focuses her as how he misses her as a person.

Now! That was prose while this is definitely not prose. However, it still seems odd to me that the only thing you miss about this lover is the warm bed and the sex. I mean. You don’t really acknowledge the lover as an actual person, except for the fact that she died! And even then, the narrator doesn’t seem to be willing to treat her as an actual person.

Maybe I am over-reading this? I probably am! Still, you may want to add a little bit more. When someone t his close to you dies, you miss way more than just the sex. After all, there are other things about the person than just the sex!

Anyway, hope this helps.

Hello. I really like your poem. It is clear. Plus, I like the repetition that you built in lines 11-12-13.
Good Job!
I also like your name

Hi, SmileWithoutRegret.

In general, your poem is very well written. One of two options: you either put a lot of effort into it, or poetry comes naturally to you.

Although, there are certain things that bugged me throughout the lines, and distracted me from the subject you brought. I'm going to be really picky with you. Nothing personal, I just see a lot of potential in you. Your punctuation is one of those things, it seems to become sloppy in specific places (I'll point them out), and the poem flows well, until one line. Notice how "cry" supports "died", and how "head" supports "bed". "Storms" is the exception; the words seems to kill the flow of your poem. It's like someone threw cold water over my head without me being aware. I'd find a different word, such as "harm", but then again, perhaps that's not what you wanted to express.