Published April 10, 2010
For the two people that changed my life.
Ruby and Laila Sayed.
My day fills with happiness when I think of those two girls that saved my life from being completely and utterly vapid. But when they left, I felt life my heart and been ripped into two pieces, and one half they had taken with them. I dream about them still being here and seeing my sister’s face again, my second mum too. I talk to my sister a lot these days, though every time I put down the phone I have the urge to call back and beg for them to come back save me. But I even I know that’s not going to happen. What I am glad about is that I am going to visit them in December hopefully; I am saving up all my money to go. I honestly can’t wait. Every time I smile it’s because I am probably thinking of them, most of the great memories I have include them. They are the most honest, kindly and beautiful people anyone would ever meet. They have given my life a meaning; they are the bright beautiful stars that full my night sky with joy and happiness. They are the great sphere of flames that light up my world.I am truly thankful for all they have done for me.
What do you think?
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141,471 Literary Works • 674,496 Reviews
Hey. Okay so you are writing this to them, yes? Yet you say "They changed my life, I will miss them" yadda yadda yadda. But if you write it in that way its like you're talking about someone else... So i suggest you change it to "You changed my life, I will miss you" yadda yadda yadda. So they know it's them you are thinking of, you get what im sayin' home skillin biscut?
Any way; good job
Biffle
Hi! This was really sweet and because it was short, it was sweeter.
And I agree with the above writers.
They have given my life a meaning; they are the bright beautiful stars that full my night sky with joy and happiness.
Lovely sentence, espescially the part about the stars. Also you use beautiful too much and it doesn't sound right, to me anyway.
Hope I said something useful!
Hey Smexay, KD here!
I don't quite understand exactly how your sister and second mum have anything to really do with this sentence/ part. I would just take them out of this sentence.I found this nice and sweet. But I have a question: Is it only for them? Because if the answer is yes, then I think this is very nice, because it seems to be more of a personal thing since you don't explain much.
Here are a few tips to improve this:
-I would break some of this into paragraphs.
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-If this was more of a piece for others, as Elinor said, I would explain more about what the girls exactly did for you. And even if it isn't, I still would explain what they did, because it would make it more touching.
Hope I helped-
KD
Hey Smex,
This was alright. I thought it was cute, but I think you need to add to a paragraph or so talking about specifically what these two girls have done for you. You mention your life being bad, and then better once you met them. What turned your life around? If it was a series of events, you can describe that too. Also, you may want to take a few sentences ti describe what the two girls are like. You obviously think very highly of them, so cna you go into a bit more detail?
PM me if you need anything.
-Elinor xo