So should I obey, or should I love?
What makes me the perfect little dove?
Innocent and blind,
I've been dined on till I gave up my mind.
So you want me to give him up,
love you instead and see if I make the jump?
Yet he makes my heart thump,
I don't want a better future, I just want to love.
My mind is open,
And I must not be blind
For I'd rather love,
Than be a perfect little dove.
So you'll hate me?
Expulse me?
I do not care.
I'd rather love,
Than escape the gates of hell.
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141,829 Literary Works • 675,934 Reviews
I’d love to take your poem beyond a single visual and create something that unfolds with it. Each stanza could become part of a larger connected scene, allowing readers to visually follow the poem’s progression and discover something new along the way. If interested, email me directly at llunarlibrary@gmail.com I don’t usually check comments.
Hiiiiiii it's Angel <3
This is such a pretty little poem. It illustrates the rejection of idealistic perfection (wow i rhymed look at me go) and unrealistic feminine standards in favor of simply loving.
Things I noticed:
- You deviate a couple of times from your general continuous couplet pattern, particularly towards the end (e.g "My mind is open/And I must not be blind). This is completely fine; poems do not have to follow one rhyme scheme in order to be considered poetry. Just letting you know in case that affects how you edit.
- That being said, however, I do find the ending ("So you'll hate me" through the end) a little confusing. Not in theme, but in rhyme scheme and in general structure. Throughout those five lines contain a powerful message, the absence of a rhyme scheme makes the reader pause.
-Your word choice of "expulse" also made me stumble. Throughout the lines previous, you've used uncomplicated language (not a bad thing), so the use of such an obsolete and archaic word as "expulse" made me stumble considerably.
Favorite line: "Innocent and blind/ I've been dined on till I gave up my mind." This is my favorite line in the piece. "Dined on" is so telling and vivid, and it really elevates the metaphorical aspects of this piece. Really stood out in my opinion.
Keep up the good work <3
Thank you for the review and I'm glad you enjoyed it! Although my intention wasn't supposed to be about unrealistic fem standards art is always up for interpretation and I'm glad you saw something like that in it:3
hello!
Am moon!
really liked this one! It has such a strong feeling of someone being told how they’re supposed to live, but choosing love instead. The “perfect little dove” idea was really interesting too, especially because it connects with the whole innocent/blind image and then gets challenged later.
I also liked the repetition of “I’d rather love” because it makes the ending feel really determined, like the speaker has finally made their choice and doesn’t care what happens because of it. The rhymes like “up/thump” and “blind/dined” also make it flow nicely. The whole poem feels rebellious but also kinda vulnerable at the same time. I enjoyed reading this, keep writing! <3
Thank you very much for the review and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Hm😁i really did!. Hmm don't mind check my poems too if you have time