1
I sat alone in the school library, like I always did. Well, I wasn't really alone I guess, I was with the librarian, but I don’t think she really counts, Seeing as she’s like 20 years older than me and never pays attention to anything that happens in the library.
She is so oblivious about everything that I could have screamed at the top of my lungs or even set up a huge atomic bomb right under her nose and she still wouldn't of noticed, and yet whenever her phone rings she notices, like she’s been waiting for somebody to call and then she would smile and pick up the phone. They used to talk to each other forever. She laughed a lot when she was on the phone. She had a loud and confident laugh which was weird because she didn’t really seem that confident.
She had somebody to talk to.
Somebody
God, she’s lucky
2
I was the first to get to my math class, so I sat second row from the back. When everybody started piling in, everybody found their seats and the bell rang but of course nobody sat next to me. Nobody ever sat next to me.
Maybe it was my deodorant
Or maybe it’s my personality,
Probably my personality
***
I’m guessing you want a run down on everybody who’s in my class. Well, I came prepared for that. I've subdivided my class into two categories
Category one: Dickheads (Most of the kids that are in my class fall into this one)
Category two: Massive Dickheads
There are about 5 people who are in category two. The five people include, the “Cool Girls” who sit at the front, Sasha, Julia and Harriet, and whenever I walk past them they all start sneering and whispering to each other. They hate me, for some reason.
I wish I knew why.
The other two massive dickheads are these two French guys. They sit behind me in Math. They would sometimes tap me on the shoulder so that I would turn around and then they would say something in French. They loved doing that and whatever the hell they were saying in French, it wasn't nice and I knew that. They also loved to throw spit balls at me, which is probably the most immature thing I have ever seen.
Immature
And disgusting, I mean who knows what they've bee—
“And, your name is?”
The maths teacher pointed at me and I paused a bit before saying, “Marc”
“Mark … So M-A-R-K”
I sighed before saying, “No, Marc with a c”
People always think that my name is spelled with a k. Like, why the hell did my mom call me Marc with a c, why couldn't she have just called me Mark with a k? I mean, it would have avoided all the confusion and also Mark is such a boring name. If you’re going to have a baby, name it something interesting like, STRIKIER
Nah, Striker was a rubbish name
3
When I got home I waited at the door. I didn't really want to go in as I could see that Richard’s truck which meant he was home. I waged up my options, I could run away and never come back or I could walk inside. If I ran away I wouldn't get fed which would kind of suck but I guess Richard’s cooking isn't that good either.
I always seem to almost run away, like I would announce that I was leaving but then I wouldn't leave in the end. To be honest, if I was running away, it would be with my mom.
But she didn't seem like she wanted to run right now, so maybe I should ask her some other time.
***
The door opened and there stood Richard. Today he was wearing a white vest with a huge brown stain in the middle of it. His hair was messy as usual and his toenails seem to be getting longer.
“You’re late,” He stumbled across his words. I could tell that he was a bit drunk. Although to be honest, he’s always a bit drunk.
“No I’m not, I just walked slowly,” He grunted and walked back into the living room. The floor of the living room had about 4 packets of chips lying on it and he had been watching some stupid poker show.
So walked into my room, put on my headphones, closed my eyes and pretended that the world wasn't there anymore
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Oh, and I love Marc spelled with a C.
I'm weird :/
I totally agree with what JKHatt said--I really liked it, and with a bit of editing, it could be a book!
I absolutely loved it, and I'm excited for more.
You're right, this could be a book!
And I'd probably read it, depending on the greater story. Still, I like what you've got going here, so far. You've got a lonely, underdog protagonist, a group of enemies, and what I presume is his mom's deadbeat boyfriend. All you need is to hook that protagonist up with some superpowers or a portal to another world or some sort of goal, even if it's getting the librarian's attention for once.
I was expecting a slow read but you surprised me. This was a very smooth ride and I'd love to read more chapters.
One thing that I absolutely hate about it though...
See the problem? No? Let's get a little closer...
Still not seeing it? How about now?
I'm sorry for getting all up in your grammar, but it should be "wouldn't have" or "wouldn't've" (I know that isn't a word but it's more grammatically correct than wouldn't of).
See things like would've, could've, should've, might've all sound like they end with "of" but it's actually "'ve" or "have". I hate this mistake more than people mixing up your and you're, and I hate that a lot. Please fix this.
Back to the story though. I give it a "6/10 would read again" but until I have an idea of the greater storyline I'm sticking to my rating.
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Just kidding. Okay, let's see what I can find.
Well, I'm going to start with the nitpicks
tearing it to shreds.Don't worry.Yeah, I'd say that she doesn't count. But, you capitalized the Seeing. You shouldn't have.
A little redundant. Two maybe's in there. I'd suggest replacing the first with Perhaps.
See? Redundancy's gone. And you never know. It could be his deodorant. Like if he forgot to wear any...
I notice you have a lot of bit like that. In some cases a little language is fine, it helps to describe what your character's feeling. But a good writer doesn't need it to help him out. He can get that across without it. Looking at your writing, I don't think you fall into the lines of those who do. Think about it, okay?
Yeah, yeah, sorry. More redundancy. Instead of the before saying, why don't you just have him say it.
Will that work for you?
Oh, no. Never capitalize entire words. You can make your point with exclamation points and the like, but no doing that!:(
We don't want to know what the stain is, do we?
This part doesn't flow very well. You might want to find a way to combine the two sentences.
Remember, these are just examples. You can do whatever you want with them. You don't have to use them.
Over all, I thought you did a good job. Charming drunk, by the way. Good images and you can tell what he's thinking, for most of it. He seems to have a hard life, and is slightly bitter.
Keep writing!
Hello there! I just read your story and I think it's really good so far! One thing that I would start off by saying is to add a bit more descriptions. I totally understand if you're going for short mysterious chapters or something, but you know a little bit more description couldn't hurt anything.
For instance, when describing Marc's brother or step-dad or whoever he is, you say "Today he was wearing a white vest with a huge brown stain in the middle of it". Since I'm seeing that your character is a cynical, depressed teenage boy, I (personally) would write something like "He was wearing a white wool vest that looked too itchy to even consider wearing. But he wore it anyway, everyday, all day. The messy hair and ever growing toenails where always there too. At least the brown stain was a new addition, probably from the cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon he chugged down all day."
Something like that gives the reader insight as to what Marc is like. Think of it as meeting someone for the first time. You give off an impression, and they give one off on you, and then you go on from there. You get to know the person through their actions, the way they speak, the way they treat others, and just by spending time with them. The same goes for the relationship between your characters and your readers. If you want your readers to like a character, or just get to know them like they're a real person, you have to put more emphasis on their voice, their thoughts, their actions, etc. and less on the fact that you want to have short chapters. It'd be nice to see more of Marc during the first parts of the story rather than simple actions and scenarios that you place him in.
You also have to ask yourself some questions about Marc: why is he feeling this way? how exactly does he feel? how do other people see him? do other people see him? In a novel or a story about a lonely teenager who is depressed, they're very centralized around their emotions. You must put that in there. When he's in his class, he could zone out and talk about how he's feeling, or look around and notice everybody else having fun and whatnot. But people who isolate themselves are very into themselves, and for you to simply graze over it does not show the reality of what it's like to be like Marc (trust me I know from experience).
Other than that, I think this is a good start to your story. A bit slow, but still it's good. Keep up the good work! If you have any questions or want any help, I'm here to talk and stuff. Looking forward to seeing more of your work!
Gosh, this is one sad life the main character is living. He seems very lonely and depressed from what I've gathered in these three chapters. But let's get down to business shall we? First of all, I want to say that although this story did grab my attention and interest me to the end, it also seems very cliche and unoriginal. I felt like there was nothing there that could've made the reader feel like you added your own touch of individuality to the story. Also, these chapters are way too short to be chapters. I felt like this should've been an introduction of some sort where the reader is introduced to the main character and what's going in the character's life. So far, it only seems like the main character is having a horrible day but you haven't exactly said why. (2) this story lacks that hook, that something that automatically makes the reader want to stay tuned and read more into Marc, his life, and what could happen next. (3) The characters seem very two-dimensional, especially the dickheads and massive dickheads. Not quite believable. (4) the punctuation is really bad in some parts. For example: "“No I’m not, I just walked slowly,” He grunted and walked back into the living room." In this sentence, you haven't specified who replied (though I assume it was Marc) and to whom this sentence is being spoken to. You could rewrite this one or two ways.
Ex.1: "No, I'm not. I just walked slowly," I replied. He responded with a dismissive grunt as he trudged back into the living room.
Ex.2: "No, I'm not. I just walked slowly." Richard grunted as he turned and disappeared into the living room.
Or something like that. I hope you understand where I'm going with this. Overall, this wasn't a very bad read. Only that it's a very uneventful story. However, it does have potential with it and I think that you can take in very many different directions and turn this into an write tale. Nonetheless, I wish you the best of luck with this book. -IceWinifredd