Here I sit
On the cold rough earth
Moistened by the lustrous waves
Of the tranquil waters nearby
I ponder
My eyes amass the beauty
Of this natural euphoria
I crack a smile
A gesture desecrated
So long ago
My fingers sift through the gravel
The earth writhing through my pores
I feel its life
I enjoy the warmth
I enjoy the sensation
Even though
It isn’t mine
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, Swiftfur here with a review for you!
I though you really showed emotion and meaning in this poem.
Lots of figurative speech, and the reader could tell from start to end where the setting was.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem. Keep up the good work!
~Swiftfurthewarrior
Hi Sleeplessend, Dream with quick review on your poem.
Your poem have a connotation meanings and some are easy to understand. I like how you use the imagery with the senses of touch and sight here.
1.Figurative language.
~Metaphor-On the cold rough earth .
~Personification-My eyes amass the beauty, natural euphoria, My fingers sift through the gravel, The earth writhing.
2.Symbol
~On the cold rough earth, I crack a smile.
Overall, what I understand with the choice of the title and content of the poem is the poet's thoughts when he was abandoned in the world that 'cold rough earth.' But still enjoy the nature beauty inside with sad and happy (mixed) tone of voice.
Improvement.
1.Punctuation(Punctuation, or the lack thereof, can change meaning and add depth to your poetry)-
Can you detect the different between them?
The strength.
You have a good diction! And I really like the part of your poem;
Although it is difficult to understand, but from the context of an understanding of Adam and Eve, I can understand it.
Kudos,cheers.
Dream work you give me damn good reviews. Thank you
Oh man, I really enjoyed the imagery in this poem. You painted a vivid picture in both sight, smell, and hearing. I loved the simplicity in this - I feel like you captured so many details with relatively few words.
I did feel like "lustrous" waves seemed to be a slightly awkward word choice that doesn't quite capture your desired imagery of waves in the context of the poem.
"The earth writhing through my pores" is such a visceral line that I really enjoyed. It's gritty, real, and fascinating.
The last few lines hit it home, though. "... even though it isn't mine" implicates so many things. Almost as though the narrator is a ghost, or possesses someone's body, or simply a person who is thinking so deeply they feel a sense of detachment, or a person who has a sorrowful heart. I find it fascinating how the end lines leave so many options for the reader.
Like a previous reviewer, punctuation needs work in the poem. I also feel like the line spacing could use some work (variance in length would make the poem flow better, I think).
The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR.
So this review is basically technical stuff since this poem for me didn't say a whole lot. I think a part 2 would help a lot to tell me what's going on.
Not good to have the same word twice like this. I would search for a similar word, because the same word twice doesn't look nearly as good.
AAh! You have no punctuation. I would say it's a must-have. This looks so wrong without it. It' like taking away an ingredient out of a food you're making. I don't have much else to say, but hop this review helped.
Thank you for the review. I know i miss the punctuation alot and its something that i am definitely going to work on. I also changed those words. I didnt realize i used the same word twice so thank you! Yes part 2 will be written soon.