I posted this originally on TSR, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to post here either. So if it looks familiar, don't be alarmed!
..........***..........
she adjusts her fake pearls
tragedy and simplicity
in every line of her face.
perfection never was
so simulated, and as she
sits in red-lipped silence,
she is mooning for
her sweet little guitar boy,
forgetting for a moment that
he doesn't exist.
these memory lapses
are growing stronger.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hi,
I do want to comment but you know how bad I do that and now that I do after months it could be worse. but I'm trying..
It's short and simple to read.
I take that it's about you thinking of someone.
so simulated, and as she
sits in red-lipped silence,
she is mooning for
her sweet little guitar boy,
forgetting for a moment that
he doesn't exist.
here's a transform or something. First it was all about her and then... Is mooning like thinking or longing? So she's mooning for guitar boy who actually doesn't exist but does exist that moment in her mind. I really liked that part.
The villian is her you say but I thought it was about her killing her own imagination while she was looking at her reflection in her mind discribing it and then go beyond it, what was on her mind.
Does it have an age?
Okay, I guess I'll explain the title. At the time when I wrote this, I was at a bit of a block, so I decided to write about my favorite subject: myself. (;)) From the remarks of several candid friends, these are the qualities that I've found to turn most people off of me; thus, "the villian."
Does it makes sense, or do you still hate it? If it's still confusing I'll start looking for a more fitting title...
For some bizarre reason, this poem made me think of the Peter Pan movie with Robin Williams. If you've seen it, you'll remember when Wendy turned old and Peter came to see her granddaughter. although since Peter really does exist...lol
Good poem.
Hehehe... because I'm argumentive, I'm going to say that I like the "he doesn't exist" line without the "that" like Wiggy suggested because the strangeness of the lines makes it so the "he doesn't exist" hit you on the face, which is really fairly awesome.
This was really pretty. (I love your poetry!) But like Snoink said, the title was kinda...not right for the poem. At least I don't get it.
There was only one thing I found:
I think would flow better as:
forgetting for a moment
that he doesn't exist.
Just a very minor change. But hope it helps! Great job!
Aww... the last two lines are so sad!
But I don't see the connection between the title and the actual poem.