Published December 16, 2004
I don't know where this came from, but I'm posting it anyways, even if it is a bit retarded. It helps if you imagine the sounds. Oninonepea (sp?) is such a beautiful thing.
Splish Splash Drip Slap Splosh
Snap Crackle Pop Pop Pop Snap Crackle
Crunch Crunch Crunch Gulp Cough
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137,702 Literary Works • 672,063 Reviews
Well howdy there.
Noticed this poem never got 2 reviews.
The previous reviewers brought up the fact that the syllables aren't proper for this to be a haiku but the subject matter also disqualifies. For information about haikus, consider this article: Things to Consider About Haiku
Which does state that if your poem is not about nature, then it just isn't a haiku. Based on the content that you have, there's a couple of Japanese poetry forms that might work but that's not my field.
Onomatopoeia
Ah yes, that type of imagery rarely seen outside of humorous poems or classrooms. I like it when I see it but the overall effect here is rather bland? I think that ties into the fact your authors note has no confidence and using rice krispies gives off a very negative cereal connotation.
That's a weird phrasing, I know, but just think about the culture involvement of rice krispies which are fun for like five seconds. And then they die...
Then combined with a lack of change in the descriptive words and repetition, easily got on my nerves. Even though this poem is so short, more work needs to go into such a small space, which is something people often neglect in cases like this. I think maybe splitting the lines up more would help with this since the poem isn't tied to a specific form anymore.
On some level, I enjoyed this poem. Simply on the basis of how different it might be from most of the poems I read on this site. Embracing comedy is great and though it could be better, this poem is working pretty good.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Onomatopoeia
That is an interesting piece... and the last line mae me laugh. I have nothing against its theme. Everything works perfectly. And yet...it's such a simple piece.
Ahah.
Haikus are 5, 7, 5 - not 5, 11, 5. Otherwise, the memories are coming back...
I hate soggy rice crispies. ><
Yeah, I guess it does help you imagine the sounds. And brings back memories of eating breakfast when I was younger. Yuck, I am so sick of Rice Krispies. And I'm rambling because I don't know what to say about the poem. Not great. Not terrible.