As We Driften Apart Chapter 0

Darkness takes over and envelopes the room. Black mist whirls in all directions, crowding the air, causing the only person in the room to gag.

No matter how much he coughs the putrid smoke stays in his lungs. He closes his eyes but the smoke pull back his eyelids.

His legs buckle, and he collapses to the stone ground. He yearns for the smoke to fill his body and kill him, and stop the ache beneath his chest.

The smoke takes its course, slowly numbing his insides, causing the pain to dissipate. As the smoke takes over, his vision blurs, along with his mind.

Serenity grabs hold of his body, showing him that he doesn’t have to remember anymore. Remember the torture. Something that is more deadly then this moment.

If only he could forget her. Forget the way she smiled. The way she smelt. Her beauty. Her laughed.

The way her blood soaked into his white collared shirt.

A sharp pain ran across his chest. Even inhaling air is to much of a task to do.

Before his mind drifts away, he whispers to himself praying that it would reach her. He takes in a deep breathe, but it only brings pain to his lungs. He heaves and gages. He feels himself getting weaker, dying. He slowly raises his arms in the air, thinking, that maybe this action would put him closer to her. He opens his hands to the air and whispers “ Forgive me.”

His arms give away landing hard on to the floor. He stares up to the ceiling and tears finally begin to fall. Under his breath he utters his last words, “Rose....Rose....Rose you were never a thorn........to me or......anyone.” The black mist covers his body and the setting becomes a never ending darkness.

AUTHOR NOTE: I've read through this and it needs to be butchered and remade! I'll just put it on here as a before refrence. So here is the before and wait till you see the after, it will be much better!

Comments

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Reviews: 1334

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:49 am

Hannah wrote a review...

Hey! This is a pretty interesting introduction. The idea of opening at the end is one that works pretty well. I mean, now we know this character has to die, we won't be waiting to see if he does or not (depending on what the actual meat of the novel is). I like a lot that you take the time to see the smoke death slowly and by pieces. There are a lot of details and sensory cues, which makes it feel real and thoughtful.

I don't like the cheese at the end, though. It starts here:

praying that it would reach her.

I understand the sentiment of speaking to the people you love even if they can't hear you, because you want to pretend, in some corner of your mind, that they're there, that you have one last moment to speak to them, to tell them what you want them to know, and it's unbearable to know in your last moment it's not as you want it. But I don't buy the idea that this person literally thinks that his words can reach her. Even though she's dead, like, I dunno. If he thinks she's in heaven, wouldn't he just be waiting to get there with her and tell her.

And seriously? Playing on her name with the thorn thing? Eek! Talk about taking away the humanity from a character. Even if someone's named Rose, they are people. They are not characters to play with, if you write them well. Like, you might know someone named Rose, but you don't constantly think of her in terms of the puns on her name, right? Why would someone who loves this person as a HUMAN ever put her in that kind of hollow box? Eek!

Think about it more realistically. Make them people. Make them real and genuine, and you will bring us closer to them.

PM me if you have any questions!

Good luck and keep writing!

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

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Wed Feb 13, 2013 6:09 am

dogs wrote a review...

Hey there Skull! Dogs here with your review today. Ok, to start I like the idea of this piece, although I'm not sure about the plot line because there wasn't much for the reader to follow. Of course I'm sure I'll understand everything a tad bit more once you post your next part. To start, you have a killer beginning. Excellent imagery and your writing style flows incredibly smoothly. I commend you for that.

Moving on, in the note of a more overarching comment; you use the phrase "the smoke" far to much. At some point the repetition could add to your piece, but you use it a little bit to much. Whenever I find myself repeating words, I look them up in a thesaurus. It works like a charm and I use it every time I write any sort of literature.

"serenity grabs hold of his body..."

Great vocab use here and it is followed up with excellent imagery. Although I'm going to put my nit pick hat on here and say you should say "serenity grips his," just trying to edit out the tiny little extra words. Really not very much to be edited on this great piece.

"Rose.... Rose.... Rose you were never a thorn....... to me or..... anyone"

Ok, so good use of the dot dot dot. Although typically it's only used with three dots so I would cut that down. And I think you could replace some of them with commas to help the flow a little bit. Not at the "rose rose rose" part, but maybe say: "Rose you were never a thorn, to me or... anyone" Something along the lines of that, just to help it out visually.

All and all great idea for a piece and I look forward to reading the rest of your writing. Do let me know when you post the next part! I would love to read it . Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032