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I don't really know why people have not read this, or why this is not featured, or why it's only gotten one real review or why not that many people know you, but this is AMAZING. And as someone who loves short-stories and considers herself a short-story writer, this is inspriational and just plain A-class writing. There are a few things that could be fixed, I think just the wording in some places are odd...I can't think of the specifics now though because it was just TOO GOOD.
I think this is about Jack Frost, am I right?
I really, really hope more people know about you, and you continue writing, and dreaming...a-mazing!
Spoiler
No it is not about Jack Frost, but oh my gosh! I think that is what I based him off of. Before writing this I actually watched The Rise of the Guardians 5 times, oh wow, I think I unconsciously did this! haha.
I'm looking to revise it soon.
You have no idea how much this boosts my confidence.
Yes. I actually had this story graded and my teacher told me the same thing
Thank you so much for the reply!
“Too many times” would suffice here. It echoes the sense of hopelessness your preceding sentences convey.
“The names of the buildings have been removed over the years…….. Tommy’s Burgers”
“Along” should probably be “through” when you’re referring to Tommy walking up the sidewalk. If he’s walking in the street then it is fine. You can also take out “snow” when describing his eyes seeing that you’ve already described them as “Icy”.
I thought this was rather interesting. Not only is this child a ghost but perhaps a schizophrenic one at that. I can’t help but wonder how he died.
When you refer to the “river” after this add in “people” again so as to avoid any confusion it might cause.
This was a bit distracting. Just say that “I used a stick to construct an array…etc”
“as an icy feeling burns into my chest” I think this will make it sound a bit smoother.
You also don’t have to say that he turned his “neck” to watch them or that they leave “behind me”. You can get rid of neck and say leave “me behind”. You can also join the two portions describing the couple leaving and the image blurring. Otherwise it makes it seem as if they passed through Tommy, he turned to watch them leave, and then fell to the ground afterward. If you were trying to convey that it wasn’t their passing that knocked him over, but rather he fell down on his own then the spacing is fine.
Overall I thought this was a pretty interesting piece. I think you were hinting that Tommy’s death occurred when he fell off of the swing set, but that portion is a bit confusing. There were also a few punctuation and spacing issues, but you probably don’t need my help with that if you read back through it. Strong work, hope this helps you,
M.
Delete this please, my mistake.
I don't know how :/
Thanks for the reply