I wrote this one quite a while ago. I hope you enjoy it, and tell me what I can improve on. Especially if there's something staring you right in the face saying "I could be better! Tell her!" Heheh. I wonder if anyone can guess what Rosaleen's profession is.
You, debonair, you paint sparkles in the moonlight
While some could never thrive through the day
All the city folk look at you in a blue light
Strangely, that doesn't blow you away
Although it may take a particular effort
You know it's always worth it in the end
Those grimacing demons who watch you in the night
Which are you more afraid of then, friend?
Come on out and shine on, Rosaleen
Where have your jewels gone now?
Business as usual you say, Rosaleen
Yet, nothing is ever really as it seems
Rosaleen
Not a portrait, but an issue you recognize
In your gallery of all your past days and lives
Gnomes and fairies always tuggin' at your clothes
Like children, they don't give up until they're through
Wise up, grin and bear it 'till it's all done
The syringe is empty, but you know it's not true
Defy the sight, 'cause the doctor won't like you
'Cause you'll always know what's really true
Hide your shining on, Rosaleen
Where have all your chains gone now?
Suave indubitable offers you can't refuse
But, Rosaleen, doubted as is, doesn't know how
Rosaleen
Enticing riches and ideals always surround you
Pearls and jewelry is all you can see
But if diamonds are a fool's best friend
Well then, I hope there's never any left for me
Dystopaic movie reels and stupor is all you see
But mama blues hasn't jumped the gun quite yet
But where exactly are you now, Rosaleen?
Now that you lost your very last bet
So keep on shining on, Rosaleen
You know where your chains are, but does he?
Business as usual you say, Rosaleen
Your demon never knew what you could've been
Rosaleen
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for the review!
I am still working on punctuation placing, so thanks for helping me out.
Except for these punctuations corrections, I can say that your poem was good.
Thank you so much! And, yes. Poor Rosaleen is a prostitute. I'll post some more work when I get the chance.
OMG. How is this not a featured poem? I loved every single stanza, the cynical tone of it. I had to read it twice. Is rosaleen some kind of Las Vegas showgirl/ hooker? That was the impression I got anyway!
After reading this I'm definatly going to read some of your other work because I definitly like your style! You said enough without giving too much of the mystique of the character away. I love this! Keep it up! -Matt xxxxx
Thanks for the review! Oh, and the choice was the demons. Which demon was she more afraid of. And, no, she's not a movie star or anything, but she probably wishes she was.
Anyways, like I said, thanks for the review!
Here to review! I doubt I'll guess the profession, I'm not too good at things like that! I'll give it a shot anyway!
Really beautiful stanza, I love the imagery.
This is slightly more confusing as I can't find the two options for which she could be more afraid of...
I think this flows better ^^
That's all I could find for nitpicks, my original guess was that she was a star but now I'm not so sure! *shrugs hopelessly* I'm useless!