z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Wait For Me - Chapter 2 (With A Crash)

by Sivershade797


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

June 15, 3037.

She stared after him. “What?” The girl said aloud, then after a minute of silence, shook her head and lay back down. Staring at the ceiling, she thought about his voice. That voice. She knew that voice. Leslie closed her eyes and sighed. “Why is it that of all the lives in the world, I ended up with the shittiest one?” She knew it would be no use to pretend that everything all right, but wallowing in deep shit wasn’t going to help either.

That dream still haunted her — she wasn’t used to remembering her dreams, but this one seemed to stick in her mind. The feeling of hands pulling her away, the taste of those empty names on her tongue. They seemed almost familiar - almost right. she thought, I hate this.

———

“Leslie May Tenhe, you have been gracefully given permission from Agent Akira to socialize with fellow captives. You have been classified as unthreatening, The doorway on your right, which was formerly locked from the inside has been unlocked. At the end of that hall, you will be permitted to enter the Common Room. Express your thanks and proceed to the Common Room for lunch.”

Unthreatening, my ass. she thought, What’re the bulletproof glass walls and iron door for, then? But everything was just like the boy had said. The voice through the speaker was cold, superior, and she could hear the sneer in his words.

“I… I thank you for you kindness.” she said, standing herself up and brushing herself off. She nodded at the ceiling, knowing that there were cameras embedded into it.

“You will also be provided with new clothing. That clothing you are wearing is just-” a scoff, “-a disgrace.”

Leslie sighed. “You are very… gracious.” and taking a deep breath, sauntered to the door. Lifting her middle finger at the ceiling, she walked through the door without another word.

Once on the other side, she leaned against the wall, and sighing, closed her eyes as memories flooded into her head.

———

January 22, 3035.

She walked through the door then looked back at her house for one last time. “Are you sure, Em?” she said, as her half sister finished filling out the paperwork.

“Yes, Les. You can’t live here all by yourself anymore.” She signed the bottom of the paper and the landlord nodded. It had been two weeks since her parents had left — suddenly gone. No messages, no calls, just silence from them. She hadn’t cried though; not a single tear escaped her eyes for them. For the parents that had never treated her well, and finally left her altogether. The only thing she regretted was not being born into a different life.

“I’ll send you girls some support.” The landlord, Ms. Jones, said. “It’s been really hard for you two.” She shook her head, “I always knew that there was something off about your parents.” Emilia just glared at her.

“Don’t talk about her parents like that to her.” and dragged Leslie away.

“It’s dark, Em, we shouldn’t drive at night.”

“Let’s go.”

“Em, it’s almost midnight, we should go to a hotel.”

“I’m not wasting money on a shitty hotel when we can drive back to my house.” Her face was still angry. “What, you don’t trust me?”

“Em, you’re angry right now. You could make a mistake.”

“I’m fucking twenty-three, Leslie. I can handle a bit of driving.”

She yanked open the car door and slammed it behind her, starting the engine. Leslie flinched and slowly got into the passenger seat.

“Drive slowly.” She said, buckling herself in. Her half-sister just slammed her buckle in.

“Like hell.” Leslie heard her sister mutter.

“Seriously, Em. We can’t get in an accident.”

“Just let me fucking drive.”

“Look, I’m-”

“Shut the hell up!”

And that was how it was for the next thirty minutes.

“Shit, the roads are slippery.” Em said, squinting at the dark road in front of her, “And i think one of my headlights burned out.”

“Em, be careful. Should we stop?”

Em looked at her incredulously. “Where? In that forest?” She pointed with one finger at the thick forest on the side of the room.

“Em, this is an extremely old car - its been in the family for generations. It could break down because of this weather.”

“Well then what should I do about it?” Em retorted, “I can’t just pull out of my pocket the two million dollars i need to get a MobiDrive? Huh?”

She scoffed when Leslie sat there silently. “You don’t understand anything - you’re still in high school. You don’t have to worry about getting a job, or dealing with financial needs. You just had mom and dad to do all of that for you.”

Her knuckles were white as she clutched the wheel. “This Tesla is fine.”

The car slid on the road, and Em turned the wheel viciously. It skidded back into the lane.

“Em…”

“Cut the crap. Let me fucking focus.”

She fell silent, gripping the armrest.

Em drove over a large pothole and a part of the car began to hiss.

“We need to stop and check that out.” Leslie said, glancing at her sister.

“We’re almost to my house. We can do it there.” Em said curtly, but Leslie could see a hint of worry in her eyes.

Some sort of animal jumped out into the road, and Em veered sharply to the left.

“Shit! We have a flat tire!”

There was a skid, and then they were sliding. Something opened in front of her, and she could see Em frantically turning the wheel, trying to get the car back onto the road.

Then everything went dark. And… pain. Unbearable pain.

Unable to handle it, she slipped into the world of darkness.

———

June 15, 3037.

She gasped, opening her eyes quickly, and walked into a long tube-shaped hallway, struggling to stay balanced on the curved floor. The whole thing was made of bulletproof glass. She looked to her left and could see the usual outside - people in spotless white coats or dark suits, people with prying eyes that stared at her like she was one of their… specimens.

She finally looked at the wall to her right, and found a large dresser. About twenty different drawers lined the walls. She raised her eyebrows,

“Thought you might need those.” A voice said from behind her. She whipped around.

It was the boy from the last night.

“Funny meeting you here.” She muttered, “I would think that such communication is… unacceptable since no other Leader comes within ten feet of my cell.”

He smiled.

“Well I’m special, aren’t I?”

She scoffed. “You wish.”

The boy narrowed his eyes for a second, then smirked. “Get changed. The others are waiting.” With that, he turned away. His figure flickered twice, and before she realized what had happened, it disappeared.

A hologram. She should have known.

Sighing, she did as he instructed.

———

Fifteen heads swiveled her way as she walked into the room. Blue eyes, green eyes, hazel eyes stared at her.

“And this must be the last one.” An asian boy said, throwing his arm around the back of his chair to shake her hand. “Hyunsoo Park.”

She shook his hand. “Leslie. Leslie Tenhe.”

He smiled and gestured around the circle. “Introduce yourselves, kids.”

“Augustin Taspyn.” A kid said immediately.

“Janetta Danton.”

“Travis Despon.”

“Jacob Starkwood.”

“Maia Shante.”

“Jake Silton”

“Yanessa Hest.”

“Layla Falm.”

“Ryder Campbell.”

“Brooklyn Sax.”

“Chase DeGraff.”

“Sonia Kowalczyk.”

“Violet Sasett.”

“Devon Skye.” The last boy smiled as he shook her hand. Leslie quickly memorized every face that she saw.

“You’re all captives?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. Was this some sort of trick?

“Your memory’s wiped, too?” Yanessa said, twirling a strand of her toffee-colored hair. Her amber eyes darted all over the room, and she shifted uncomfortably away from the other kids.

“This is all kind of strange, isn’t it?” Chase said, cocking his head to one side.

“No way.” Brooklyn said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Her caramel hair was tied into a messy bun and she casually cracked her knuckles. “Our lives are pretty fucked up.”

“Way to state the obvious.” Jake said from beside Chase, showing a hint of a smirk.

“How long have you been here?” Leslie said, reaching to drag a chair over to the circle. “Days? Weeks? Mon-” Her hand seemed to pass through the chair. “What the flying fuck?”

“Huh?” Augustin queried, only seeing her hand resting on a chair.

“Was it just me, or did my hand just pass through that chair?”

They all scoffed.

“Like hell your hand just passed through that chair.” Leslie racked her brain for the name. Jessica? Jamie? Dexon?

Janetta Danton.

“Fine, whatever.” she dismissed it and pulled the chair over, and sat into a large gap in the circle. “So how long have you been here?” she repeated.

“About fifteen minutes before you showed the hell up.” Travis said.

Leslie glanced to her sides and observed that she was in between a scowling brunette and a glaring boy with piercing green eyes. A black and blue bruise hid half of his face.

“Why the hell do you two look so pissed?” she glanced between them.

“It’s not you, hon.” The girl said, pointing at the boy. “It’s that bastard.”

“It’s not my fucking fault that the moment that bitch saw me, she punched me in the face.” the boy shot back, throwing his hands in the air.

“I swear I know you!” She seethed. “-Not in a good way.” The girl added after a moment of silence.

“Hey, break it up, you two.” Hyunsoo said, waving a hand, annoyed. “You’re not each other’s biggest problems.”

“You’re right.” 


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862 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2019 11:38 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Ahoy, Silver. Blue team reporting for duty to get your piece out of the Green Room!

I'll get right down to business.

This feels disjointed. The very beginning of this chapter seems almost without a setting at all, and it needs to be anchored. I recommend blending it into the next part-- the part after the line. In fact, I don't think the use of lines here to divide anything really are very effective. They just serve to make this chapter more disjointed. While authors do use lines like these to break up scenes occasionally, they're a bit like hot sauce. The right amount, and you've got yourself a taco with a little kick. Use too much, and your tongue will hate you. You're using a little too much hot sauce here. Try transitioning with another paragraph instead of these lines. I believe in you!

This is really a nitpick, but it stood out to me so I'll point it out. "Unthreatening" sounds strange. It's definitely a word, but I feel like "nonthreatening" would fit the more authoritarian vibe you've got going here.

The part with the Tesla really took me out of the world of this piece. Honestly, I'd think that we'd be past cars by the 3000s. A thousand years is a really long time. If not past cars, at least past any recognizable brands. I also think the sister is a little unrealistic because she stays bratty and irritated. Perhaps this is her motivation when she gets into the car, but when things start going south, I feel it would be more realistic if a little despair sets in. Or a different emotion. Emotions are very dynamic, and staying in one heightened state through a whole scene feels strange to me.

I really recommend you don't list all the names. Perhaps a sentence about the names blurring by Leslie faster than she can remember, but she does happen to catch a few. I honestly skipped through the names because I already knew I wouldn't be remembering any of them.

The thing I like the most about this is that you pull off the third person limited perspective very well. I had to look back because the narrator is firmly inside Leslie's head, so I was almost thinking it was in first. You have a good writing style here. I enjoyed it.

Now the only thing that's left to do is review your writing and polish out the rough spots! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me. Keep writing, and keep YWSing!




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Tue May 07, 2019 6:32 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here to review and hopefully help this graduate from the Green Room!

I'm going to be nitpicky first because it's the sort of mood I'm in right now, and then give some general feedback.

In this line, "They seemed almost familiar - almost right. she thought, I hate this." In this sentence, you should have a comma after "right" and a period after "thought." Also the a in "almost" should be capitalized.

Same thing with these here: 'Unthreatening, my ass. she thought, What’re the bulletproof glass walls and iron door for, then? But everything was just like the boy had said. The voice through the speaker was cold, superior, and she could hear the sneer in his words.

'I… I thank you for you kindness.' she said, standing herself up and brushing herself off. She nodded at the ceiling, knowing that there were cameras embedded into it."

You actually don't have to have the quotation marks around your character's thoughts if you italicize them. If you do put quotation marks around them, make sure you're closing them at the end of the thought. There is also the same issue of having a period instead of a comma after a quote. The rule of thumb is that if you are using any type of descriptor after your character's line or thought (ie, "he said," or "she thought,"), you need to use a comma after it, and a period after the last word in the sentence. If there is no type of descriptor after the quote, you can end it with a period, question mark, exclamation point, etc., inside the quotation marks.

Overall, I think this is a good chapter. You do caution for the language, but I also question if it's really necessary? You describe so much so vividly, and then suddenly there's some kind of language in it that doesn't seem to add to the story. As a personal opinion, I don't think it's really necessary to what you're trying to say.

I like that you introduced everyone in the Common Room to Leslie, but I also found that part hard to follow. A ton of names thrown out with no description of the characters or what they're doing or why they're there is rather overwhelming. Of course, you might have been going for an overwhelming feeling in that section, in which case, congratulations, you accomplished it. I do wonder if all of those names are necessary, though, outside of creating an overwhelming effect to convey mental confusion or hallucinations.

I also find it odd that there is so little concern over Leslie's hand passing through a chair. If my hand suddenly started passing through chairs, I would be alarmed! I don't think Leslie had a particularly relatable response to that action, and I think making something she needed to think more about, or at least more of a startled response, would be helpful.

From a broad perspective, this is a great piece. You did a good job making it believable and relatable to your readers, and that's most of the battle. Keep it up!

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo





We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway