Chapter 1, My saviour.
I smiled as the sun's warm rays tickled my face, fighting off the cold fall air coming from my sister's open window. Lord knew why Emma had to drive with the window down, even in the winter. But it was either ride with her, or walk. I suffered through the ride.
"Try not to embarrass me today, okay Jada?" she asked looking at me.
I rolled my eyes and looked stared out the window. I wouldn't want to embarrass little miss head cheerleader. That would be a big no no.
I smiled as I saw Jacob Cooper on his way to school, kicking the brightly colored leaves along the sidewalk as he walked. His copper brown hair spiked slightly. Maybe today would be the day. Maybe today I'd ask him out. Maybe today. We had first period English together. I could ask him then, today was the day. Would he date me? I was small compared to him, light brown hair, and light weight. He was the captain of the football team.
The car jolted forward, shaking me from my thoughts.My sister laughed loudly, and obnoxiously, so I turned and glared at her. She stopped laughing, and glanced at Jacob. Her being head cheerleader and him the captain of the football team, they had dated in the past. So you would think I wouldn't date him, because normally a sister wouldn't date their sister's ex-boyfriend. But he was just so... attractive.
We pulled up to the school, and I quickly hopped out of the car and up the steps. The school was built of red bricks, the windows were rusty, and creaked when it was windy. But it was a big school. Hopefully this meant I wouldn't have to see my sister until lunch hour. But that also meant having to see the guy in the locker next to me. James Jordan or something like that... hopefully I would get past him today. He was a little taller then me, and had ginger hair. On top of that, he was in the tech club. He was a nice guy and all, but obviously not my type.
I shoved through the crowd of tired, mopey teens attempting to get to their classes. I glanced up at my locker, just as I had reach it, I saw him coming. I quickly opened my combo lock, and pulled out my English books, quickly slamming the door and locking it up. Now I just had to shove my way up to class. Of course that wouldn't happen, I bumped right into him.
"H-hey Jada," he squeaked, then cleared his throat.
"Um... Hi," I coughed awkwardly in response.
"I was um, wondering if, ah, you wanted to, y'know... hang out some time. With, me."
"No. Sorry, I have other plans," I muttered and walked off.
I felt bad for rejecting him yet again, for what must have been the third time this week, but shook the guilt and ran off to English.
The last bell rang just as I entered the class, earning me a strange look from everyone who was already in the class. Even the teacher, Mr. Sanders. I felt my face heat up as I sat in the last available seat, which was unfortunately on the far side of the class, away from Jacob. Maybe today, was not the day. I looked around at the familiar classroom. The bookshelves were stocked with text-books and note books of all kinds, the teacher's desk was covered in paper work and finished assignments. The class smelt faintly of colones, perfumes, and zit cream.
The class ticked bye slowly. I hardly paid attention, again. I was too busy trying to get Jacob's attention. Which, to my knowledge, wasn't working. He was taking the note's I should have been taking, so I sighed and got to work. Mr. Sander's deep voice droned on and on, almost robotically, as I copied the notes from the board into my note book. I felt a pair of eyes on my back, and glanced back to see Jacob smiling at me, my heart began to beat a little faster. I didn't want to make myself look stupid and waved at him, then quickly turned back to my work. Kind of. I was certain today was the day.
The bell rang to tell us all that class ended, everyone quickly hopped up and made their way to the door, as Mr. Sanders yelled out our homework for that night. I walked a little slower then the others, hoping to catch Jacob. I was happy when my little plan worked, I had fallen to the back of the group with Jacob.
"Hey," I greeted, trying not to sound as nervous as I was.
"Sup?" he asked cooley.
"Not much," I cleared my throat before continuing. "Just wondering..." I trailed off, nervous.
"Wonderen' what?"
"You wanna, hang out some time?"
He stopped walking and looked at me for a moment. My stomach twisted in a nervous knot as he looked at me.
"No. Um... you aren't my type," he explained then rushed off.
I stood in the middle of the crowded hall, feeling like a complete idiot. The rest of the day ticked by slowly. Because I had followed him out of class, and he was heading to his
locker, which was far enough away from my locker, I was late for math. At lunch, I didn't sit with my sister and her friends as I usually did, I sat on the far side of the cafeteria, alone. Third period was gym, and we were playing basketball. I kind of stood off to the side and let everyone else play. Last period was my spare. I spent it sitting in the car, waiting for Emma. There were no cheerleading practices that day.
When she finally got out into the car, she patted my back, sympathetically. But I could see the happiness in her face.
"I heard what happened with Jacob," she cooed. I turned away from her and looked out the window as the students spilled out of the doors, like water from a waterfall. All rushing to get home.
"Ya, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just get home," I mumbled.
I could tell she was inwardly pleased I was rejected. If she couldn't have Jacob, she obviously didn't want me to have him.
"Okay, fine then. Don't have to get bitchy with me," she snapped and drove off.
The ride was quiet, if it wasn't illegal I know she would have been texting someone. Soon enough I'd get my license and I'd be the one driving. But soon didn't seem soon enough for her. That was her problem not mine. I shook myself from my thoughts and stared blankly out the window. The fall leaves danced along the pavement as the cool breeze carried them and played a sweet melody for them. I could imagine myself dancing in a brightly colored dress amongst the leaves.
Rush hour was the worst, I was worried we were going to be stuck in this car forever. That would be horrible, I could hardly stand my sister as it was. We finally reach the red light, and I sighed loudly.
"Oh get over you! You aren't the first girl he's rejected," Emma snapped.
I decided to not respond to that little comment, but glared at her anyway. She wasn't paying attention, and stepped on the gas. I didn't see any cars coming, but I still had reason to panic.
"Emma, Emma! Pay attention to the road!" I warned.
She slammed the brakes, we were sitting halfway into the four-way interception. We both sat back, and took a deep, relieved breath.
She looked over to me, and smiled genitally. My sister may be a pain in the ass, but I still loved her. Her expression suddenly changed, to shear terror. I was confused for a moment, then turned and looked out the passenger side window. Coming at us, full speed, was a transport. I screamed and reach for my seatbelt, but it was to late. I felt the car jerk forward, which was unexpected because the transport was coming at us from the side, and the airbags popped out.The front window smashed, and we were showered in tiny bits of glass, my face was saved because of the airbags, but my arms were cut from the glass. The back of the car was suddenly hit, and we began to spin on the road. The car turned until the front end hit the transport. I stole a panicked glance at my sister, who was knocked out cold with her head on the emergency airbag. I screamed again as the metal transport scrapped against the car, on my side.
My sister's door popped off, and suddenly, she was out of the car. I screamed again, as the wheels of the car, on my side, lifted off the ground, the car was going to flip! With me in it! I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands, waiting for the worst, but was surprised when two strong arms wrapped around me. I looked up to see a strong handsome face, he had a light five o'clock shadow, and a dark, tan face. His eyes were a deep, piercingly brown. He was much larger then me, but I felt safe. He was wearing a large black hoodie, with the hood up. It hid most of his long, dark brown hair. His arms were wrapped protectively around me.
The car tipped up, and we fell towards the driver's side. My seatbelt having snapped off. I screamed, but he remained calm, tightening his grip on me. The car continued to tip, then fell over onto the roof. We fell downwards, landing on the ceiling of the car. My body shook violently in fear, hoping this was over. My eyes were shut firmly.
"It's alright, it's over," assured a deep voice.
I relaxed again, as I was pulled out of the car. I sat up on the sidewalk and looked around.
My sister was laying beside me, pretty banged up. People rushed over and started panicking and yelling random demands at each other.
"Someone call 9-1-1!" yelled one mother who had been passing by before the accident, but stopped when she saw the two girls laying on the sidewalk.
I looked around, but did not see the face of my saviour. I did see the family's car destroyed and laying belly-up on the road, next to a deeply dented transport. The red paint from our car was smudged into the side of the transport, and our car door from the drivers side was sitting several feet away from the car.
When the ambulance arrived, they made me go to, stretcher and all. I wasn't as badly hurt as my sister. I didn't want to go. I hated hospitals, and I wanted to find and thank the man who saved me. I wondered if he was alright... he had to have been terribly injured too. Right now, it all seemed like a dream to me. So many questions were left unanswered. How did he get in the car? Did he have something to do with the car suddenly moving forward? Was he alright? Who was he?
The ambulance's soft movement slowly lulled me to sleep. They were careful not to walk me up when they brought me in. They woke me up when they took the glass out of my arms and cleaned them, they also had me x-rayed for broken bones, and checked for a concussion. I checked out alright. My mom came in shortly after.
"Jada! My poor baby!" she screeched.
She ran over and sat on the bed, wrapping her arms around me. I wrapped my arms around her to, but they stung from all the little cuts.
"I'm fine mom, how's Emma?" I asked, worried about her.
"She's still out, but they say she's broken a few bones and they want to keep her overnight," She replied sadly.
I patted her back, and felt bad for Emma, who possibly hated hospitals more then me.
"Mom? Do you know if they took in anyone else from the crash?" I asked.
I hoped she said yes, I wanted to see my saviour. I needed to thank him.
"Yes, they took in the driver, from the transport. Who thankfully said we wouldn't have to worry, and he'd take the fault. So our car will be paid for by the company's insurance..."
"Mom," I cut her off, "Did they take in anyone else?"
"No, the nurse said it was only you three," she patted my head.
I wondered... what had happened to the mysterious hero. Where did he go?
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Puzz Puzz! Okay... *restrains self*
I'm glad you added in a car crash! I was just getting to the state of wondering if there was going to be a point to this book, or if it would be another cliché teen love story but you didn't dissapoint! A little of the pacing in this is off, it's be nice to be able to connect more to some of the scenes before you rush us into another, but that only happened on occasion.
Keep on typing!
Icy
This is a really good story. I like how you begun it as if it was a teen novel, as someone mentioned before me, but then it all changed. There was the car accident, then this mysterious hero, then the hero was gone. I do hope you write more, I want to know who this hero is.
I just have a couple questions: why did you feel the need to use bad words in this? You only used two of them and honestly when I read them I was quite suprised. I don't know how you view your characters, but the way I see them, I can't see them cussing.
You may want to develop your characters a little bit more. Is Emma a snobby teenage cheerleader? Or is she just another girl on the cheer team who happens to be captain? I can see her as either so you need to make this more clear. Is Jada a misunderstood girl with no friends? You never mention her talking to anyone else except for her sister and her crush. You may want to look deeper into your characters' lives and try to portray their personalities through your writing.
Despite a couple things to critique in this story, I really do like it. You should definatly post more.
This was an amazing story. The whole time I was reading it kept me hooked on and made me want to read more. That's really all I have to say and I will be delighted to read the second part.
I too was drawn in by the beginning. I love the way you describe Jacob walking to school, the adjectives you used were good.
I was also posed with some questions of my own
1. Why does she hate her sister?
I get the she's annoying part, but maybe go into some more detail.
2. Why reject James?
he isn't her type, just isn't enough for me, what then, is her type?
I would suggest not using all the J names like the above comments say, I like Jacob, so I would suggest changing James.
I'm not sure if you intended to do so, but I like the irony in the story, where James asks Jada to 'hang out' and she turns him down because he isn't her 'type' and then Jacob turns her down because she isn't his 'type'
I agree with the above comments in saying your timing is a little off. Show that the day drags on instead of telling us so, and although I like the details of the car crash, it needs to be fast. Changing up some of the words should speed that part along.
Overall I see where you're going with the story, just take everyone's critique to mold your story. I'll enjoy reading the rest of it, keep up the good work (:
The opening, I will admit, drew me in. However, I began to get bored not soon after.
There was no need to add 'and obnoxiously'. The fact that Jada glared at her sister shows that there was something in her laugh which she did not like, hence no need to add the adjective.CLICHES
1) The Female Protagonist being in love and wanting to go out with the high school 'Captain Of The Football Team'.
As cliches go, this is one of the most common ones.
2) Telling Instead Of Showing
3) Mistakes and General Grammar
As you can see, you should have used 'by' instead of 'bye', and I also think the sentence is slightly confusing. It would have been better to say 'time ticked by slowly in class.'
'Said' would have sufficed.
Is 'cooley' a word? 'He asked in a cool manner/way' would have been better.
'Wonderin' what?'
My basic advice is this: Go over your work carefully, remove the unnecessary parts and try and throw in a little more originality. The concept is not bad, I can see that in the next chapter you intend to bring more to the story. As you do, try and explain the questions posed by Tenyo. I do hope I helped somewhat, and I'm waiting to read the next part of this story.
Here's a critique!
The opening.
I like the whole 'warm sun cool wind' thing at the beginning, it took me straight into the story. You might want to make it clear that it is autumn. I didn't realise it was autumn until much further down the piece. Anything that makes your reader have to stumble and go back to fix their previous assumption is distruptive to the story.
Expressions with people
'Lord knew why...' The trouble with these expressions in a story is that simply my mentioning Lord knew, you're giving your reader the image of some lord who knew something, before they realise that you're just using an expression. It means your reader has to go back and fix that first image which, as I said, is disruptive.
The name of importance.
Jada, Jacob and James all have names starting with J. Characters who have similar names tend to be confusing and less defined. Characters with names that are unique in context (like a guy called Jack roaming about in india) stand out more. Using the same letter to start their names is a good way of making them insignificant, but of course whether that is a positive or a negetive depends on whether these two male characters are important or not.
No no is a no-no.
When two of the same word appear next to eachother you have to put a comma in between, that's just grammar. With the phrase 'no no,' putting a comma in between wouldn't make sense, so you turn it into a single word by using a hyphon, making it a 'no-no.'
The genius of repetition-
-And the fact that you have to be a genius to master it. The art of using repetition as an effect is one that requires a good grip of timing and pacing. I think pacing is something you struggle with a little. Near the beginning of this you've repeated the words 'maybe today,' but the pace was too fast, and the effect was the same as repeating a single word. I'd suggest cutting this out, or if you really want to you can be brave and try buffing it out a bit and see if you can make it work.
Contemporary girls.
I like the contrast between James and Jacob. With James the relationship is more old fashioned, with the boy asking the girl out. It makes James a little more respectable. With Jacob on the other hand it's the girl asking the boy out, making Jacob a bit less of a man. It also gives the impression that Jada is a very contemporary girl, and for the audiance this story seems to be aiming at, this is a very good thing. I think this little situation is one of my favourite things about this piece.
Bells are boring
'The bell rang to tell us all that class ended.' What's interesting about this school? Does it have an old fashioned electro-magnetic bell in the classroom, or a purely electrical one. Do they ring in the classrooms or the halls?
Everybody knows that in school when a bell rings class has ended, so you don't need to tells us this. Instead, tell us things that we don't know, or might not expect. And on that note...
Rephrasing and shifting words around
Jada mentions that she walked a little slower to catch Jacob, then that her plan worked, then that she had fallen to the back with jacob. From the first two statements the reader can safely assume the third, so in stating that last part you have simply re-arranged and repeated what you already said. Repitition is the key to making your reader fall asleep.
Ticks and ticks
Classes don't tick, at least not in this style of writing. Days don't tick either. Using the same unusual expression twice in the one piece, especially when it's out of place with the rest of it, says 'I don't know any other cool phrases,' even if you do. It's one of the biggest things to avoid because it can make your writing seem much worse than it actually is. You have some talent as a writer, and you know how best to put your own thoughts across, so you don't need to add these odd little phrases in.
Well... Umm... Y'know.
Awkward conversations and casual talk happen every day, and every day things will bore your reader. Try to include as few of these conversations as possible, and if you have to use them, jazz them up with something entertaining happening in the background.
Questions: I came up with a lot.
Here's the inconsistencies I found in your story. For each question you should go back, and think of how to make the answer clearer to your reader. If you can't find an answer, change the story.
Jada and Jacob arrive at school during a switch between lessons. Why are they so late?
Why does Jada so easily decline hanging out with James, and then Jacob with Jada? Are these kids not interested in hanging out as friends?
Didn't anyone notice Jada sitting on her own at lunch?
Didn't the teacher comment on her lack of enthusiasm? She seems like a girl who would enjoy sports.
Does she have a key to her sisters car, or does her sister leave the door open?
That is as much as I'll comment on now, there's a lot to take in :p If you choose to edit this, let me know and I'll re-review with a few more teeny bits that I picked up on. Overall I think it's a good start, I like the way it's going, but there is still work to be done. You have some great ideas and you need to learn how to best put these ideas out to your reader.
Okay Emz, I'm going to warn you here and now this review will be harsh. See there potential I can see that, but it dragged on so much and much of it came across generic or cliché, maybe it was your plan, but I found the pacing was seriously not fitting this. For instance if the day dragged on because the rejection then make the day drag on don't just skip it. Show don't tell.
See there is potential for this idea, but the fact is you went about it the wrong way, you can describe someone's day without falling into the typical contrivance you happen to step in here. See there was stuff that caught my eye here, like you did manage to make the High School scene realistic but my suggestion would be to elaborate more on the other classes.
I don't want to discourage you but you need learn show don't tell, a slow day should be slow on readers a car crash should be fast and the character should be sympathetic, I found it harsh what she did to the die to begin with, and found it unneeded. But I sense you have plans so I'll carry on reading.
My first impression isn't it's terrible just slow and that's not right for this piece at the beginning. In some parts yes, but you completely speed through them.
My advice is this, elaborate on each class introduce more dialogue between the people in school and make the day after the refusal go slow.
Hope this helps.
Thank you for having that car accident. If you didn't put that in there, this chapter really would have been the start to a cliche teen novel.
You have spelling and grammar mistakes, which can be fixed if you review.
Overall-
I think this piece is only so-so
There no emotion, which I really think this piece should have.
Keep working though
~WickedWonder