Thank you for all the lovely reviews! After doing some reviewing myself I became to lazy to edit this... longer reviews for you! *But luckily I did do a spellcheck!*
QUESTIONS
I skidded to a stop when I saw them at the end of the alley. If I continued running the human wouldn't hear me, but the vampire sure would. I stalked forward, slowly. I held one of the stakes out in front of me, wary of every step I took, just like I had been taught. The human was begging for his life, pathetic. The vampire chuckled at his groveling, I would be the one with the last laugh. I counted my steps as he leaned forward. I could hear the human's heart pounding, I shook my head, I had to remember to focus. I didn't need it, I had just gone hunting the night before. The human would return home to his family, completely unaware of what I had saved him from, and he could return to living his life. Then I could return to finding my brother. I took another step forward, and the vampire perked up.
I cursed myself mentally as the vampire jumped to his feet, holding the human by his neck. I dropped the stake into my bag and pulled out my dagger. The vampire hissed at me, he was probably thinking I was after his prey. I turned to the human.
"I see we have a bit of a situation here. You're a lucky man, I'm not here for you, I'm here for him." I turned back to the vampire, pointing at him. He looked confused, confusion was a distraction, and distractions are opportunities to strike. So it was an opportunity I took. I rushed forward grabbed his wrist and twisting it behind his back, making him drop the human. He looked up to me with both fear and thanks.
"Thank you, thank you so much." He sputtered. I rolled my eyes and nodded down the ally.
The human took off running, and the vampire twisted around and threw me against the wall. I turned my neck, waiting for the sharp crack. Once it sounded I grabbed him by his face and smacked his head against the wall. I held my dagger to his neck.
"I want answers. Where is the nearest nest?" He chuckled and I smacked his head again, just to show him how serious I was. He groaned in pain and shut his eyes, his whole face went tense. I waited a moment, both of us breathing deeply, the air was thick with tension.
"Information, my dear, you've come to the wrong vampire. I'm a simple nomad. May I ask why you are in search of the nests?" his voice flowed like honey. I wrapped my hand around his throat, tightening my grip. I was the one asking the questions.
"You may not ask. I'm the one asking the questions." I repeated my thoughts.
He smirked and grabbed my wrist, twisting my arm to my back. He pushed me forwards, still holding his grip on me. He pushed me against the opposite wall, his body pressed against mine, as he whispered into my ear.
"Now I'm the one asking questions, and I'll ask again, why are you searching for the nests?" I gasped for air, his grip to tight for me to answer, he calmed down a bit and loosened his grip. I let out a deep breath. He tightened his grip on my wrist, making me drop my dagger.
"You know if I wasn't letting my anger get the best of me, you'd be dead." I stated. He chuckled and released my neck, his hand still holding my arm behind my back.
"You didn't answer my question. Cooperate and maybe I'll tell you something." He said. I turned my head towards him, this wasn't working out like I imagined it.
"Personal matters. That's all you need to know."
I twisted my wrist and grabbed his. I twisted it forcing him to flip over, face down to the ground. I twisted his arm up behind him and knelt down on his back. He grunted when I forced his arm up a little higher.
"Now I'll ask again. Where is the nearest nest?" I cooed in his ear. A mock sweet. He tried to stand but I dug my knee into his back. He collapsed back onto the ground and tilted his head up.
"It's not far from here, would you like me to show you?" I wasn't stupid enough to trust him. Was I? I figured since I didn't know any vampires from the nests, I couldn't pick up their scent and pinpoint their location. Him showing me where it was would make things easier for me. I let his arm go.
"Sure. Show me where it is. But the second you even think about back stabbing me, I'll stab you with a stake through the heart." He chuckled as I began to stand, then he flipped over and was on top of me. I gasped as he grabbed my wrists.
"Now who would hurt a sweet little thing like you? Now can I get a name?"
He let my wrists go and I pushed him off of me. He laughed at me, I stood quickly glaring at him. I held my hand out, offering him help up. He just looked at my hand for a moment then got up himself. I shot him another look and turned my back to him as I picked up my bag and retrieved my dagger that I had dropped during my struggle.
"Elizabeth. That's my name. Now your turn." I said as I slid the dagger into my bag. I turned my head and looked up to him, a little surprised he hadn't run for it yet.
"Grant. Grant Fourier. Now follow me." He said, turning and running off, I followed, a little unsure about Grant. But it was the beginning of what was sure to be a long journey.
He turned down another ally, heading towards the slums. Every now and then he would look back. Sometimes he would go out of view, but then I would close my eyes and visualise where he was. Eventually he stopped and leaned against a wall. I skidded to a stop in front of him, looking up at the building.
"Is this the place?" I asked eagerly. I knew if I went in there and started enough of a fight, they would be more then happy to rat out another nest. It only takes one nest to start the rat chain.
"No we aren't there yet, you are very hard to lose." He complimented. I glared at him, putting my hand on my bag as a warning. He put his hands up in defence and stood up.
"I have a gift. As long as I have the scent of a person, all I have to do is close my eyes and I can know exactly where they are." We were silent for a few moments then he cleared his throat and nodded. If he didn't show me where one of the nests was I would shove one of these stakes where the sun never shone.
"Well then I guess I have no choice but to show you where my nest is now." I froze up and emitted a low pitch growl from the pit of my throat. He smiled wickedly, I wanted nothing more then to slap that smirk off his face.
"I thought you said you were I hissed, he winked at me and continued running.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I don't understand what you said when you wrote you were waiting for the sharp crack.
After the dialogue you need to saying who is speaking.
Don't say was in this sentence it doesn't flow smoothly.
This doesn't make much sense instead you should say If you've come for Information...
As well as in the rest of the story in these three sentences you were to repetitive and you constantly said I twisted. You should look up a synonym for twisted.
Once again you are repetitive don't use now two sentences in a row, it doesn't sound good.
When you said But it was the beginning of what was sure to be a long journey, it didn't make much sense. You should remove it or put in a new sentence.
Once again you need to state who is speaking.
You need a conjunction after the comma.
You need quotation marks after were.
Next time you should edit this because there were other mistakes that I didn't put down. Once again the story idea and plot was amazing, but sometimes I don't feel like reading it because it doesn't make sense at times or the grammar isn't very good. PLEASE EDIT your next story before you submit it and please pm me when your next story comes out. I will be available to read it and edit it for you
-lilgreendots