STACY'S HOUSE - BEDROOM
Stacy is sitting in a white room. No doors, or windows. In front of her is the antique mirror. She looks around confused, then back at the mirror. We close in to her face, then cut to the mirror, then back to her face. We finally zoom out to see both her and the mirror. She reaches forward to take the mirror, but resists. Then reaches forward and grabs it, looking into it. She doesn't see anything. She quickly sits up and we see her room, she is in her bed, looking around nervously.
I need to see that mirror.
She falls back onto her bed as the scene cuts.
MALL FOODCOURT - MORNING
Stacy is walking through the mall, looking around nervously. Her expression changes, she now looks excited, she begins picking up pace, we zoom out, then back in, to see the Gothic girl. She is looking down, into the looking into the looking glass. Her hair is blocking her face from view. We zoom in closer to her face, now able to see her lower face, her frown turns into a smirk
Welcome back Stacy. Did you want to look into the mirror?
We zoom out to see both the girl, and Stacy's back. Stacy is standing uneasily. There is a moment of silence, then we cut to Stacy's face as she licks her lips and nods.
Yes, yes I did. I need to prove something to myself.
We cut to her face, then her face in the white room and back to her face in the mall. The goth girl looks up and holds the mirror out to her, Stacy looks uneasy but reaches to take it, the goth girl pulls it away.
What the hell!
People passing by look at her odd but continue on their way. The goth girl smiles as she puts up her hand in a stop gesture.
Not here...
She stands and walks off towards the camera and out of view, Stacy stands still for a moment, looking confused but follows.
MALL - GIRLS BATHROOM
The goth girl is leaning against the bathroom counter, looking into the looking glass, we hear a door open, and Stacy walks in from behind the camera, towards the girl. She stops when she is standing in front of her.
Why did we have to come in here?
The goth girl looks up and holds the looking glass out. Her face twisted in annoyance.
Do you want to see or not?
Stacy, a little taken back from the sudden hostility, takes the glass. She closes her eyes and holds the mirror out in front of her with both hands, she slowly opens her eyes, we zoom in, to see the mirror is blank.
(gasp)
No! I... can't see myself! But...
We cut back to see Stacy's horrified face, then zoom out more to see both Stacy and the Gothic girl. We cut to Stacy and the mirror. She takes a shuddering breath and pulls one hand away from the handle and reaches for the glass. Just as she touches the glass a bright light flashes, you hear the sound of a heavy wind, and the screen turns white.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Mixed, so I reviewed the first part so I figured I might as well review the second.
Anyway so I'm a little disappointed with this since you had a bunch of advice and good reviews and it seems like none of it went into consideration because this part of it has pretty much the exact same problems as the other one. Formatting, dialog, action (it is slightly better this time, but it still needs work), also your dramatic build up.
I already told you all the beginning stuff in the first review so in this one we'll work on dramatic build up in this one.
So basically right from the beginning I could tell what was gong to happen in this chapter, Stacy would just need to go look in the mirror then she wouldn't be able to see herself, and since you talked about it in chat all the time I figured she would get sucked in. You need to build up to it, add some suspense, make it dramatic.
But really you would do better writing this as a story, because that's basically what it is except you tried to put it into script form, which doesn't really work out. Try reading over your reviews, editing, and if it doesn't work out, then maybe try it as a story instead.
Good luck!
~Hope