Numbness...I don't want the numbness to go away. Because when I'm not numb I'm in pain. I can't feel the newest gaping wound in my tiny punctured heart through the numbness. My head pounds, my hands get clammy, my eyes sting, and the hole that used to be a merely punctured heart throbs. I've been let down in the past but this time the punctures in my heart tore it apart. There is nothing now. Nothing but the shattered remains of what used to be a heart. The sharp shards that penetrate my insides.
The only reminder that I'm still alive. The numbness takes away the lively feeling. Until another shard pokes at my insides reminding me of everything. Everything that was, or was going to be. No, everything that should have been. But never, will never be. But I do not turn for help, in any form. Not friends, family, physical pain, drugs, nothing. The pain would just return and punish me for trying to make it go away. Only the numbness takes it away. I will always remember that I Wasn't good enough, it was my fault. He said so himself. This one actually told me he loved me, he cared for me and he wanted me to be happy.
But it was all sick, cruel lies. To see me suffer before we were even together, before i could feel whole. All he left was numbness. I love the numbness, it reminds me that i can let go. I can hide myself in numbness. Blissful, empty, numbness.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey there! I really liked this. It felt like poetry. Just a few things:
Love the first sentences. But..... You say "puntured" way too many times. Also, this could just be me, but wouldn't it be better if the way it was written seemed numb? How it is now you're just being very melodramatic, which doesn't fit, IMO.
"Lively" implies something vibrant and happy to me. I think you may need another word.
Huh? Try reading that aloud.
You can find another way to show emphasis other than underlining stuff, methinks.
Your grammar seems to have fallen apart a bit here. Remember to capitalize, etc.
Overall:
This was very short, but I actually like that since it's easier to look at in-depth.
What I liked:
Like I said, this was very poetic, and I really, really, really like the idea of numbness as a way of hiding from emotion.
BUT
What I didn't like:
This was also an overly-dramatic piece. I think you can show her acting numb in a setting, maybe talking to someone else, or something, rather than saying something along the lines of "my bleeding heart was punctured and lay throbbing on the cold, cold floor."
(Ok, that's not what you said, but you get the point.)
Melodrama does not equal numbness. (<--Main point of this whole critique)
(Akk, and I'll just say it: show, don't tell! You've probably heard this before, but if not, I can always PM you an article. Feel free to ask.)
So, yeah: tone down the drama, SHOW her acting numb, and develop the character more. Also do a quick run-through for errors. You have what seems like a good base here, and I'd like to see it fleshed out more.
Hope that helps you!
If you have a question or need a review, PM me anytime.
Lupis
tanks its just how i feel! I didnt think anyone would like it!
Hello
I like it. Yes. I think its different and refreshing and deep. I also did not spot any spelling errors. I especially enjoyed the first paragraph because you were able to display a nice flow of emotions,
[quote]Numbness...I don't want the numbness to go away. Because when I'm not numb I'm in pain.[quote]
I like that.
And I liked the repetition of numbness in the last paragraph, it really stressed your point without irritating. Great job.