A/N: God, this part is so rough. It focuses on how Anam works his magic as well as the citizens of Ilaeg, a favourite city-state of Ilal. I’m planning to make Ilaeg an egalitarian nation, but one with an irony because despite their support of equality, most of the citizens... Well. That’d be spoilers, so I won’t tell further. ;) Have fun reading it! (I also made a sketch of the front view of Rof Itwah library as well as the above view of it and its surrounding - maybe I’ll share those in a topic.) Also, I change the country's name to Ilaeg. :)
Anam levitated from the roof to the in front of the library. From mortal eyes, he was invisible - all the deities were. Ilal followed, staying beside him. They didn’t have to accompany their brother, but the place at which they was provided them a view of the library. Named Rof Itwah, it was the most important and beautiful library across Ilaeg, a free city-state.
While Anam worked his magic, Ilal inspected the library. It was shaped as a mansion with two towers at its sides. The height of the main building - the one between the towers - made it rectangular in shape. There was a humongous oval clock stamped on it, the curves leaning to the roof and the entrance. At the middle of the clock where the hands hung to was another entrance for the concrete bridge. The entire design of Rof Itwah boasted Ilaeg’s technology advances.
Ilal turned towards Anam. The ring orbiting his waist was spinning like a slow gear. He made gestures, bluish aura radiating from his hands, giving an impression of him weaving threads of light. The cool evening air around Rof Itwah changed its thickness. A purple mist surrounded the giant clock, its luminous property similar to the one Anam made for his portal.
The people of Ilaeg - Ilaegians - prayed at the open field opposite to the library, making rituals held only on Deshar, the last day of the week. While they appreciated the progress of science, they didn’t neglect their religious duty; this distinct culture suited Ilal’s taste. Surrounding the round field was the roundabout with five junctions, each of them separated with each other by a an equal distance. The junctions led to different institutions.
In the middle of the glowing ring in front of the building was an illusion of Ilal; they donned a tiger head and body with pegasus wings at their back. Ilal preferred this form because it was effective in not displaying a gender. They had chosen a human-like form in the past. At that time, the humans argued about their gender identity and they responded to the argument by stating clearly they were neither male nor female. This announcement was made in their new form, the one they were using right now.
‘My servants,’ proto-Ilal said, their voice multilayered, its volume matching a thunder. The exact announcement had been relayed to Anam, who watched his godly creation. ‘I am here to bring an end to the arguments some of you have. The scholars who have been thinking Aevi is no longer a major planet is correct; in the hierarchy of planets, as useless as it is, Aevi is at the bottom, a level provided for dwarf planets. Aevi is a dwarf planet, not a major planet.’
Expectedly, some of the worshipers who had been paying attention to Ilal’s presence thrown shouts and spread whispers. No doubt they were the scholar lot - identified by their loose blue clothes and a matching hat - who had different views on Aevi’s placement in the planets’ order. Despite hearing proto-Ilal’s clear message, they still debated. The ones who proposed Aevi’s new position were grinning, their loud voices drowning the other scholar party who whispered their protest and denials. Ilal deemed the latter as fighting a lost cause since slipping new theories under a tightly shut door of wouldn’t change anything.
‘Silence!’ proto-Ilal bellowed, their voice multiple times higher. The humans abided, lowering their heads in deference. ‘My words shall not be debated. They are clear and precise. I shall not demand your agreement; your acceptance shall be automatic. This is the truth; do what you want with it, but know that there is a circumstance for every action.’
They paused, letting the followers absorb their words. Ilal nodded in satisfaction; Anam had made a nearly perfect imitation of themselves. Graceful gestures, commanding words, a presence that could not be ignored - he presented all of them well. Now, Ilal expected their followers to cease from arguing. They were citizens of Ilaeg, known for their total submission to Ilal, their protector deity. Well, a genderless deity supported gender egalitarianism, after all.
Before they spoke out against Ilal, proto-Ilal continued their speech. ‘As celebrating the improvised and more accurate order of the planets, I hereby declare this day, Deshar of the month Arguna, 2034, as the Day of Eight Planets! You shall rejoice!’
Hearing the declaration, another lot of the worshipers, this one wearing a mix of orange and yellow attires rejoiced. They hugged each other, jumping with rigor. Their screams and laughter of happiness dominated the entire field, infectious to others nearby. Ilal nodded and smiled; they had anticipated this reaction. Some Ilaegians liked to party and the Day of Eight Planets deserved one. They didn’t care what it was all about as long as they could socialize and drowned in hedonism. Those pleasant moments weren’t frequent, after all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Okay, so this was pretty interesting. At this point I'm just going to throw all my questions out the window and assume "This world is completely different from ours and literally has no connections besides humans," which was probably the initial intention. I would've preferred if you specified that from the very beginning, whatever the case--maybe mention the different names of months in the beginning, or the kingdom Ilal was looking over, so the audience isn't shocked mid-way into the beginning.
Something I found interesting is the thematic color here. Blue is for scholars, Orange is for hedonists and party-folk. That's interesting, but I think there should be more reason for that other than "Because the author said so." I can understand if a culture might want scholars to wear blue, since that makes them more distinct, but party folk come from all social classes--even the poor needs to party like the world is about to end. I don't know, it's just a cultural worldbuilding piece that I feel should be connected more later on.
Something else that I find interesting is Ilaeg's culture, overall. I like how science and religion are integrated here, but it got me to thinking--what year is this set in? What world is this set in, really? I know it says 2034, but I'm assuming that's not 2034 of our world, because then it brings the question of why these gods didn't show up in our world. So either this is an alternative universe where the gods are a little more caring to their human denizens and show up more than a couple of times, or 2034 isn't the future, it's some weird way to say the past. Another world building detail I think you should consider is why these people are so determined to find technological advancements--religion is not inherently a deterrent of science, in fact it can actually be a promoter of science, but usually that involves a holy book or two telling the humans to discover new ways to conquer the Earth. Anam prefers magic over technology, I'm assuming, so why are the humans so keen to be technologically advanced? Does it have something to do with Ilal's orders? How loyal are they to their gods? I can understand that there would be a few dissenting opinions in the crowd, but that suggests that science and religion are separated in this culture, which means religion can obstruct from scientific advancement. Are the humans friendly enough with the gods to start a debate, or was this just a one-time incident? Basically, either the culture is entirely different from most real-life cultural trends (and therefore I'm interesting to see how it unfolds), or it's a bit of a mess.
That's all I have for now. This was an informative chapter, but let's see if the next ones will be exciting, too.
--Elliot.
Yooooo, I'm back again.
Hello, we're starting out with nitpicky tuff.
- nix the 'in' in front of 'front'.
- 'From' isn't the correct preposition here, I mean semantic wise, you still get the meaning across but it's an awkward term. From would mean that, mortals actually see him because the action comes 'from' them. 'For' would be a better word.
- ok, I'm not sure if this applies but I'll point it out. I know 'they' is just a collective pronoun here for the deities. But they is also a plural pronoun which is usually followed by 'were'. You have 'was' here, whether you want to turn it into 'were' is your choice.
- 'stamped', hmm, technically there isn't anything wrong with stamped. But stamped usually refers to an imprint made upon something like paper. And I think what you mean to say is, there is clock 'on' the tower
- 'to', why is 'to' placed there. You don't need it, try reading it out loud the sentence doesn't make sense or flow. Replace the 'to', with a comma and you're good.
- technology is a noun, you want its adjectival form > 'technological'
- missing an article 'a' before bluish
'an' should be 'the'
Nix the first 'in', you have two 'in's in the same sentence and it clogs up the coherency.
- 'multiple times higher' isn't quite right, if we're breaking that into its individual components. 'Multiple' is the verb you want I assume, so instead of 'multiple' you want 'multiplied' (in past tense because I think this piece is in past tense but you've switched tenses a bit throughout the chapter...so I'm not sure.) 'Times higher' in itself doesn't make grammatical sense. But I know what you're trying to say, maybe something along the lines of 'their voice multiplied in volume' (you can use increase, and technically speaking that is probably more correct. But I like the use of multiply because it has that layering quality to it.)
And that's it for the nitpicking...tell me if I've overdone it. Or whether if you would like it presented to you in a different way, *tips hat* your wish is my command.
Onto the story, hmm, so is there a particular reason why Anam chose the library and is that just where the portal conveniently opened up to. So with your descriptions, in the last chapter I said they weren't specific enough and now in this chapter. I'm going to say that although you have nice descriptions here, I don't feel anything. For example, when IIal inspected the library, what they did few? Was it indifference, awe, respect? What was it, when you look at something, that something becomes a stimulus and a stimulus has a corresponding reaction. If you're going to describe the library, then you might as well shown us IIal's opinion of it, so that we know their views on human construction. And it'd make the descriptions purposeful.
What's 'making rituals'? Is that an actual type of rituals, or do you mean that rituals are held on Deshar (nice naming system). Is it's the latter, then you don't need the making.
What's this progress of science you're talking about here, can you show us some concrete example of this progress of science? For the rest of the story, I don't really have a problem with it. I guess it's more...the idea that these people would be happy over the fact that there is a day for celebrating a Planet?? I don't know, this idea baffles me but at the same time I have no clear clue as to how this world works. Are Planets very important to these humans, why do they even worship the planets? I'm giving you all these questions because if you haven't thought about them, it's a good idea because (you'll have to introduce some kind of conflict later in the plot to make it a plot). And you can't have conflict is there is nothing to build the conflict on, these may seem like tiny details but it's important to look at the 'why's and 'how's even if you don't explicitly write them now.
I have the same concern with Carlito in terms of I don't really know where this is going at the moment, but given the nature of your last line of this chapter I expect there will be more ahead. Haha, I see the irony in this chapter too. How meek these humans are (when will the rise up and rebel
One more chapter and I'm all updated! If you've got any questions or suggestions, feel free to let me know. C:
-Apricity
Here I am again!
I'm going to jump right in.
I think you could include a little more description here. I know you're about to describe the building, but what about the magic? What is he doing? What does it look like? Bring me into your world
I think the writing is fine in this chapter, but my biggest qualm is the oomph and the so what? I'm still struggling to find what the central conflict is in the novel. What does Ilal want? What's standing in Ilal's way? And what are the stakes or why does it matter? Right now it just feels like things are happening but without a defining line in the middle. The things that are happening are interesting, but I want to have a sense of the direction we're heading in.
I liked that we were able to see Ilal interact with these people here. It gives some nice insight about the scope of his power and how his people respond and react to him. It's clear that he's a mostly revered and respected god among these people. It brings up some interesting insights about this character.
You included a lot of nice descriptions in this chapter of the setting. You've always been good at that! Just don't forget about the thoughts and feelings along the way
This is a really short review, but I'm not sure what else to say :p I still think you have an interesting premise and I'm sure you have an interesting plan brewing, I just want a little more direction right now. But keep me updated and feel free to tag me as you post more chapters if you want me to keep reading! And as always let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't already mention!
Darn it, nite. Stealing my Green Room review. xD The reviewers before me caught all the nitpicks I did, so let's dive right into the meat.
First of all, nice job on the descriptions. I would say, "Light, I'm proud of you for listening to my advice in my last review," but unless you have the ability to read reviews from the future, you're clearly awesome enough to have recognized this chapter's need of descriptions yourself! Still, I'd like to read at least one of the other three senses besides hearing and seeing, such as what it feels like to travel through a portal.
Your call, though! If you feel that Ilal has traveled through a portal so many times that they really would have no reason to have to describe the experience, that makes total sense.
I found it amusing how the people reacted over Ilal's appearance. They didn't act particularly shocked or anything. Ilal's speech seemed perfectly commonplace to them. The immediate arguing and shouting that began directly after Ilal's proclamation that Aevi is officially a dwarf planet tells me that the people aren't very afraid of Ilal. If they were afraid of them they would have most likely bowed in immediate acceptance, even if they were unhappy about it on the inside. The congregation's delighted reaction to the new holiday is also interesting. The line "Those pleasant moments weren’t frequent, after all" doesn't make the overall happiness of this community appear very high. I don't know why they wouldn't be happy, however. Ilal seems like a pretty chill god. They don't act like they're a ruthless dictator or anything, and I know from Ilal's thoughts that they care for the Earth they created.
Nice work! If anything I said was confusing, let me know (as always)!
Hi there SirLight! Niteowl here to review this chapter for Team Pencils and Swords this fine Review Day! Sorry I haven't read the previous chapters, but hopefully I can be helpful anyway. I tend to do my prose reviews as I read, then wrap up with overall comments at the end.
You could just say "Ilaegians" here.
It's definitely interesting to me how the gods are apparently responding to the people in such a clear and direct fashion. At this point, I'm a little confused as to if they are actual deities or illusions made to look like gods. Also, of all the things to have a godly proclamation about, why the status of a dwarf planet?
This sentence seems to be missing a word after "of".
I think the more correct word would be "consequence" here, not "circumstance".
Just a typo there. Make sure to keep the tense consistent.
Overall, this seems to be a very interesting world you're building. It has science and technology, yet also has gods who are very visible and dictator-like. It seems like the two concepts could end up very at odds with one another, making this setting ripe for conflict. That may not be where you were going with this, but that's what I see at this point. I'm also unsure if this planet thing has anything to do with the larger plot of the story or not. This chapter seems to be more about setting up the characters and showing the world than advancing the plot, but it's still interesting enough to hold my attention. I may have to go look at the other chapters now. Keep writing!
Take out "in" and change "was" to "were."
I was a bit confused by this. So, Ilal's new form was their original form?
Shouldn't it be "threw?"
I like these lines a lot!
Nice chapter. I consider this laying the foundation of the story. I don't think I have ever read a story about a genderless society or Tiger-heads. That's unique! Concerning the story, I don't have much to critique except a few technical errors. Keep writing!