We silently trudged up the hill. it was dark and the full moon was hidden behind ominous clouds. Finally, we reached it. It was a great manor and its windows were veiled from nosy neighbors. I heard scuttling inside.
"Oi, come on!" My friend, Bridget, yelled as she ran up the mountainous steps, her red hair blowing in the wind.
Blake and I reached the steps as she muttered, "This is definitely curious."
We saw what she meant. Instead of having a key-hole on the outside, it had a lock. Blake, Bridget, and I examined it.
"It's just like the lock at my summer house in Prague." Blake said,"If I'm right..." he started to unlock it.
"No!" I shouted, terribly aware about how childish I sound. But if there is a lock on the inside it is trying to keep something out; so if there is a lock on the outside it is trying to keep something in.
“Wait!” I called. “Don't go in!”
But it was too late. They had already entered the lair. I heard a scream. Bridget lay dead on the floor. A big gaping wound from her side. The beast scurried off into the depths of the mysterious mansion, its dark, terrible eyes glaring at us.
"We have to go." Blake said. And without anymore words, we ran.
But where was the exit? We scampered here and there. In and out. Up and down. After two hours, we came to our conclusion—there was none.
I wept bitterly as Blake looked for a place to stay for the night.
“I should have never told Bridget about this place!” I cried. “She always goes head over heels. She use to, I mean,” I added ruefully.
“No,” Blake whispered, “This was my fault. If I hadn't opened the door, we wouldn't be in this mess.”
“It's both of our faults, okay?! We shouldn't be laying blame. We just need to know how to get out of here.” I countered and Blake grunted in agreement.
I turned over to sleep on the cold, dead floor. As Blake did in return, we heard a certain moaning and bolted on to our feet.
“What was that?” I panted, my heart beating fast, as we shuddered to a hold.
But it was not Blake who answered, “That is the Beast,” an old man wheezed, “he tried to find you. To feast on your flesh, but he didn't succeed.”
“Good thing he didn't find us,” Blake muttered as the old man went on about our flesh ripping from our bones.
“Old coot!” Blake muttered again. “Must have gone crazy in here!”
“Now listen here young man! I may not be as young as I used to be, but I'm the only one who can get you out of this place.”the old man admonished.
“You can get us out?!” I joyfully said and in return he just nodded.
Hope you like it!!! Please comment as soon as you read! I really need it. Thanks!! 
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Meeehhhhh... I can FEEL the potential, but it sounds like it needs to bake a little longer, know what I'm say'in? Things seemed to move a long just a little too quick, even though it sounds like one of those stories that just moves along. I liked it enough though, I liked the images it put in my head, and the dialogue that went along with the story. I couldn't tell when they entered the house though, and there weren't many descriptions of the house inside, but that's mostly me being me. I draw, and I LIVE for the details,
hope this makes sense and helps you, I'd love to read more.
Hey. I thought it was okay, exempt for the bare adjectives. Where did this take place besides a mansion? What was the beast like? What was the old man wearing? Just focus on these things and it could be really good.
The story is a little quick in parts. Other than that, it's not that bad. Just describe what the beast looked like. If I might say so, but what I imagine is the beast in Beauty & the Beast.
Hi there!
This starts out nicely, but I'm afraid I got a little confused between Blake and Bridget, and then a second later Bridget was dead. I didn't get a chance to get to know the character.
I'd also like to know where the old man came from, and what the inside of the creepy old mansion looks like.
This is still a good beginning, and if you add a little bit more detail it'll be even better!
Hmmmmmm.
I am not going to add too many comments because the reviewers before gave you sufficient advice.
The only thing i have to say is.....uh.....you need to put more descriptions, and make them more natural. Most of the time, but not in all cases, the best descriptions you don't think of individual words, just a picture in your head. I will be more active on this site pretty soon. Gotta eat, PM with any questions or if you want me to review anything else.....?
To Sionarama; you said "If I could, I'd delete it." This was perhaps the reason I'm writing this review. First of all, your story is NOT boring. It just needs work. Please not, I am still inexperienced, but I'll try to give this story the review it deserves. I won't deny that it needs a lot of work, but it could be really good if you don't give up on it.
It's not right. Replace it with something like "We have to check this out." Why on earth is that childish? It makes perfect sense. . ...To be frank, I definitely don't want them as my friends. No remorse for Bridget? They just ran for their own safety? Last thing. The old man...you need to work on him. Uncover who he is, question him and make sure you can trust him before following him. Keep on writing and don't give up. Cheers, Palip.With further detail that short could have turned into a very big dramatic story. Description would have made this piece easier to read. Your characters are in this, what seems like a, huge environment but we know little about the lair and little about what is going. Expand your character development and expand on describing your characters environment and you'll have a good story to work from.
Interesting. I would like more detail, though. Very, very non-descriptive.
thank you so much for commenting! It is duly noted and when I have some free time I will fix it as much as possible!
Hi, this is scary, but I like it!! It's understandable!!! I think it needs a little more explanation about how it got to the point that it's at. Also, more emotion, how did she feel when Bridget died? How did she feel when the old man showed up, scared, freaked out? What about the beast? How is there no other exit if they got in? How could they not go back out the same door they came in? Sorry for all these questions. I really do like this, it just needs a bit more...
#8040BF ">Alzora
Omg thank you so much!!
Hey, a good story. More to come? Maybe make it a bit longer before someone gets killed, also it seems like the others don't care that much that their friend has just died, one wept for a few seconds, more emotion perhaps? . Needs to draw the reader in more, make them excited and wanting to know what happens next. Add a little description for people they meet like the old man, is he frail? tall? bald? even just a little helps put an image in the readers mind.
Hopes this helps!
PM me if you've got any questions
thanks Demi! ^_^ Well it says Blake is a he when he talks about his house in Prauge and unlocks the door. it says HE SAYS. Alright? But I can definately see your confusion there. thank you so much for the compliment!! The first one for this post!
Um.... Is Blake a he or she? And um I'm personally confused about this piece. What's going on? I get that they're in a lair and a beast is looking for them, but why'd you kill off Bridget so fast? Personally I'd keep your charaters going and then they get killed after we get to meet them. Bridget should've gotten killed off after the kids had incountered the beast first. She should've gotten killed after they faught the beast. Maybe in some freak accident, like she got caught in a trap, or maybe the beast should've killed her after they faught it.
Overall:
It's a good piece of work. Kepp working at it and I'm sure it'll be really good.
[quote="Sionarama"]We silently trudged up the hill. it was dark and the full moon was hidden behind ominous clouds. Finally, we reached it. It was a great manor and its windows were veiled from nosy neighbors. I heard scuttling inside.
"Oi, come on!" My friend, Bridget, yelled as she ran up the mountainous steps, her red hair blowing in the wind.
Blake and I reached the steps as she muttered, "This is definitely curious."
We saw what she meant. Instead of having a key-hole on the outside, it had a lock. Blake, Bridget, and I examined it.
"It's just like the lock at my summer house in Prague." Blake said,"If I'm right..." he started to unlock it.
"No!" I shouted, terribly aware about how childish I sound. But if there is a lock on the inside it is trying to keep something out; so if there is a lock on the outside it is trying to keep something in.
“Wait!” I called. “Don't go in!”
But it was too late. They had already entered the lair. I heard a scream. Bridget lay dead on the floor. A big gaping wound from her side. The beast scurried off into the depths of the mysterious mansion, its dark, terrible eyes glaring at us.
"We have to go." Blake said. And without anymore words, we ran.
But where was the exit? We scampered here and there. In and out. Up and down. After two hours, we came to our conclusion—there was none.
I wept bitterly as Blake looked for a place to stay for the night.
“I should have never told Bridget about this place!” I cried. “She always goes head over heels. She use to, I mean,” I added ruefully.
“No,” Blake whispered, “This was my fault. If I hadn't opened the door, we wouldn't be in this mess.”
“It's both of our faults, okay?! We shouldn't be laying blame. We just need to know how to get out of here.” I countered and Blake grunted in agreement.
I turned over to sleep on the cold, dead floor. As Blake did in return, we heard a certain moaning and bolted on to our feet.
“What was that?” I panted, my heart beating fast, as we shuddered to a hold.
But it was not Blake who answered, “That is the Beast,” an old man wheezed, “he tried to find you. To feast on your flesh, but he didn't succeed.”
“Good thing he didn't find us,” Blake muttered as the old man went on about our flesh ripping from our bones.
“Old coot!” Blake muttered again. “Must have gone crazy in here!”
“Now listen here young man! I may not be as young as I used to be, but I'm the only one who can get you out of this place.”the old man admonished.
“You can get us out?!” I joyfully said and in return he just nodded.
hey sionarama, a great beginning but the characters seem to be able to find a way out too easily maybe if you went into the details about them trying to escape and add a chase in it then your story could really live up to its potential
ERANBEAR
peace out type on!!!!!
Okay peoples sorry for all of the confusions!! If I could, I'd delete it
! Yes, I understand it is bland and dull, too fast or too slow. I was just putting out our compost and I was about to lock myself out but the lock was on the inside and the idea sprang into my head. Let me give y'all some background:
there are originally 3 characters. Bridget, Blake, and me. Bridget dies so that leaves me and Blake.
We are teenagers but Blake is rich so his parents own a summerhouse in Prauge not really him. Sorry for the confusains again!! They live in London, England. Maybe I could say the full moon was hidden by London's regular fog. Would that work?
Anyway, I have been known for moving too fast (and too loud *humph*), but that's a part of me your gonna have to accept. As 007's signature says: "I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."
I too hope you have come to terms with my style of writing. I wonder what would have happened if Charles Dickens was at this site and he got comments like:
"This work has great potential, it just moves too slow."
or
"WTF!!! So, there is this kid and he's poor and suddenly his mom dies. This is thrown at the reader...."
I wonder if he would've kept writing. All I'm saying is be careful who you put down. They might just be the next Dickens!
Chow for now,
sionarama
Okay, I'm going to be straight with you. This needs a lot of work, and I hope I don't sound mean in my review, because I'm trying to help, okay?
Nice description, good way to begin your story.Boring! It? Try something a little more descriptive, or you can even just stick with a simple "We reached our destination."
Okay so it's an old house, said to be haunted right? They hear something inside, I don't know about you, but if I'm going to break into a house, I'm not going to go in if I think there's already something or someone in there.
A lock? What kind of lock? First thing that comes to mind is a padlock. Do you mean like a deadbolt?
So wait...How old are these people? At first I assume teenagers, but this makes it sound like he owns a house in Prague, making him an adult.
I'm sorry, but this just made me laugh. It sounds so cheesy...like something from an old horror movie.
Okay. What just happened? There's no details, no feeling, no explanation. This whole thing leaves me saying "What??" And your sentences are really choppy here.
Ummm...You just go back out the door the way you came in? Again I have no idea what;s going on, your writing is all over the place, and you don't explain anything.
Okay, her best friend is dead, she should be heartbroken, and as a reader I should be feeling it right along with the character. I feel nothing. There's no emotion whatsoever in this. It's just dry, and extremely basic writing.
Again. This is boring! You seem to only care about moving the story along, but then you throw in these bits that help that in no way, and that are just strange.
Yeah...what was that? Because you don't explain anything, I'm as if not even more lost then your character. Also what is shuddering to a hold?
WTF? Where the heck did this old man come from???
Okay I really am lost. They're in an exit less house, with front doors that disappear, some kind of thing that's trying to eat them, and old men that pop up from nowhere? I mean really? Before you throw us into all this weird stuff, you need to tell us what's going on. Who are your characters? Where they live, what they do. Give us some normal days, then you can start with the weird adventure. When you get to the adventure part, slow down, let us feel the tension, let us feel terrified. Right now all I'm feeling is confused.
Describe things, okay? Don't just tell us what's happening, show us! You have a very basic outline that needs a lot of work, and I think this sounds really cool, but you need to work on it.
Good luck and keep writing!
~Hope
Hi, Siona!
Ok, so I'll do my best with this.
If there has been a part or chapter before this, forgive me. Is part of a short stroy or a novel, by the way?
For a first paragraph, I don't think you've quite hit the mark here. You desperately need to draw people in, to make them interested, and I think there are some things you could improve on here in order to do this.
Firstly, I would say that your descriptions need some work. You use basic language such as 'it was dark', 'ominous clouds' and 'great manor'. Whilst these do convey some sense of what the scenery is like, you need to go above and beyond single word descriptions to make these scene come alive. Try some techniques like imagery, similes and metaphors. Use interesting words, and make this a full sensory experience: that is, describe smells, say if they can hear anything around them. In this way, you'll make it so much more engaging and interesting.
Secondly, I would work on what is happening in your piece. The first line of the paragraph is, forgive me, quite bland, and could easily be livened up. You've done quite well; you haven't just said 'we walked up the hill',, but it's still not perfect, and you could definitely add much more in. You need to extend sentences and really describe what they're doing instead of a quick overview.
I have to say, I doubt that if the manor really was 'great', your narrator would be able to here such a quiet noise as scuttling when she's standing outside. Perhaps she could go and put her ear to the door or window, to make it plausible?
Also, I think that you're starting to move a little fast here. Slow down a little. (More on this later.)
Remember to be consistent with tenses!
Okay, woah. Remember what I said about moving too fast? Well, this is a prime example. The death of a friend is a pretty monumental occasion, wouldn't you say? Now, I'm sure that in the heat of the moment the narrator wouldn't have too much time to think about it, but you should definitely linger a bit over this section. In the space of a short paragraph, they've opened the door, one of them has been killed, and the beast has run away. This. Is. Too. Fast. Spread it out a bit, okay? You aren't pressed for space, so just let the story come out a little slower. At the moment, the reader doesn't have enough time to take all of this in. You need to get some tension in at the beginning, then a bit of time between them entering the mansion and the scream. Then the narrator needs to enter too and see the body. You'll need to describe her feelings about this - what does she think/say? There are a lot of possibilities, but at the moment you're speeding by them without a second's thought.
Why not use this as a chance to describe the interior of the mansion instead of just skipping it? What do the rooms look like; were they scared about the beast? Good chance for some awesome prose, here!
This conversation it, to me, a little unrealistic. They aren't at all curious about the man himself? It seems a little ... flat. Liven it up and make it more plausible. They would definitely be questioning him, and probably still scared about the beast. You could also explain a bit how the beast failed to find them - they haven't exactly been hiding from it, have they?
Overall:
Overall I do think this needs work. It's a nice idea, and is a good base for a story, but now you need to fill it out way more. You really need to slow it down - at the moment it's not very engaging because you speed through anything, which doesn't give the reader a chance to enjoy the story. You can slow it down by padding out the basics with description, more about the characters, and by describing the action and plot in more detail.
If you have any questions then just PM me.
-Amy
Hey Siona
I think this piece is too safe. It seems like you've got the basics, but not much else. You've told us little about the environment or the characters, and everything that's been said is the bare minimum.
You could experiment with new structures or ideas. Try making some sentences really short, others really long, play around with new adjectives, that kind of thing. Don't try too hard or worry about making mistakes, because that's how we get better as writers.
Hope this helps.
-Ten