"No.... My–– my---Adonis!" Aphrodite wailed all alone on top of Mt. Lebanon.
Encasing his handsome limbs in the myrrh tree's branches, her tears slid down her face and landed on Adonis's soft, rosy cheeks. She had loved him so ardently.
"Why so sad, baby? Come to Daddy! I'll make it all better." Ares coaxed. So sure of himself and proud.
"You!" Aphrodite hurled herself at the God of War. Beating him with a stick, throwing rocks at him, and punching him was just the least of it. Very soon, no one knows how, she started kissing Ares long and hard.
In the morning, Aphrodite pulled the cow skin off of her and Ares. Sleepy eyed, she glanced at the place where she last left Adonis. Panicked, she shook Ares awake, "Where's Adonis?"
"Adonis? Oh! You mean the dead guy! I just took him to the river. He needed a proper send off," Ares explained, "So I buried him there."
Crying silently, she beckoned her chariot of doves and flew away to the sound of Ares calling her name in the distance.
Knocking loudly on the gateway to Olympus, Aphrodite yelled for the only goddess who knew more about love than herself. It pained Aphrodite to think such a thing. She would have to confront–– gulp––Hera.
this is just the first chapter. the second is coming out!
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was a mildly confusing start I have to admit. It started off an intriguing note, but then we've got several characters jumping in and things just got a bit confusing from that point onward. I feel like you need to take a second look at that opening here. While it is quite mysterious and does grab your attention, it is perhaps a little more cluttered than it needs to be.
Okay considering the scale of the crying going on earlier and just the general sense of sadness that seemed to be prevlant in the area I have to say I expected to see just a little bit more emotion there. That seems to have simply cast all of this aside and its just not all that realistic as a result.
Aaand that was slightly more confusing I think. It just seems like an odd direction for this to go in right now...and adding on top of that earlier part it combines to make this overall opening a little more confusing than it really should be and as a result it doesn't make for the best of openings here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
. . . Why so rude? It seemed like an honest comment on her part, do you think it was the right thing to do, literally screaming at her? You should have handled your reply with tact, "Lavender, no, this isn't a fanfiction, otherwise it'd be in the fanfiction section."
Another quick thing, leeanna13097 mentioned your confusion over "verb of speaking", I actually write the same as you, and it's a style of writing. Neither way is wrong. Whether you decide:
Ares smirked, "I love you, babe." / "I love you, babe." Ares smirked.
or
Ares smirked. "I love you, babe." / "I love you, babe," Ares smirked.
Onto the review. Comments in red.
How can Aphrodite be all alone if Andonis is there with her? She's especially not alone two seconds later when Ares pops out from the middle of nowhere.
Do the reader a favour and place paragraph breaks so the writing isn't all blocky.
Why did he die? You might want to take the liberty and explain this to the people who don't read Greek Mythology in their spare time.
Knowing that she kisses Ares after he calls himself her father, creeps me out.
This seems very unrealistic and ridiculous, actually. If you loved someone "ardently", they just died, and a random guy pops up, would you suddenly start kissing him and then apparently sleep with him? Is Aphrodite that loose? Is she, for lack of a better word, a "slut"? (highlight text to read, don't want to injure innocent eyes) I agree with Davidmartin and Mizzle; you do not have sex with someone the night of your true love's death. Especially not when his body is metres away, watching you with his cold, dead eyes as you go at it doggy-style. Things happen for a reason. Did you even need to have this in here?
. . . they are Gods and they sleep on cow skin? Were they so lustful that they had sex near Andonis's corpse?
Personally, I don't know where Mt. Lebanon is in relation to Olympus, but I assume it's a little bit of travel at the least. Did you intend this piece to be completely devoid of actual description and scene setting? If so, you've achieved that wonderfully with your essential one sentence paragraphical ideas.
First off, why didn't Aphrodite just enter Olympus, aren't all gods resident there? Second, isn't it presumptuous to be yelling for a goddess to come to her? Third, "it pained Aphrodite", and yet she didn't feel pain at Andonis's death? You have basically no feeling in this story at all.
Okay. I can see a story within this, but at the moment it's basically a flow chart of information that needs to be filled out. Andonis dead --> Aphrodite crying --> Ares cooing --> Ares and Aphrodite having passionate sex on Andonis's cooling corpse --> Ares confessing to throwing Andonis in the river --> Aphrodite crying silently and flying on her doves to Mount Olympus --> Aphrodite presumptuously screams for Hera to come to her and console her about her lost love and tell her what she did with Ares was completely normal and perfectly okay.
I assume this story is going somewhere astronomical, but at the moment, it's still in the Primordial Soup stage and it need to evolve badly.
PM me if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them at length. Good day, and good luck with this piece, I would enjoy reading the new version of it/part two, which I'm waiting for eagerly.
Hey there, Sio! Mizz here, as promised.
I don't know much about Greek mythology, so bear with me here.
Characters:
So, I'm just going to say, I love stories that have to do with Greek mythology, even though I don't read them too often. The gods and goddesses fascinate me. It was interesting to see how you portrayed them.
Aphrodite didn't seem quite like what a Goddess would act like. She needs to be a bit more in tune with what she's the Goddess of--love. She would never admit that Hera knew more than her about love. Probably she would say something like, "Hera knew more about the rough, broken side of love." Because Aphrodite isn't used to that side. She's used to everything being perfect, and everyone being head over heels for her.
Adonis is briefly mentioned as the dead man, and Aphrodite's past love. I think Aphrodite should be thinking of him a bit more even while Ares is rebounding her. Like, we should get some glimpses of what Adonis was like to her, etc.
Ares was spot on. He's tough, and a bad boy. Nice job with him.
Plot:
This chapter is very short, but it has a basic plot, if you will. Adonis dies, Aphrodite cries, and goes to Ares. Well, Sio, I'm afraid that if Aphrodite's so called love had just died, she would hesitate a bit more when Ares and her got together. There would be guilt in her eyes, she would doubt what she was doing for a minute at least before she moved on.
Overall:
I think this is pretty good. It's a nice start, in the least. I think you need to learn the "show not tell" rule, though; because if you show us, instead of telling us, it adds length and depth to your story. Also, I believe this should be a tad bit longer. It's a bit too short for my liking.
Hope this helps,
Mizz
Hi Sionarama!
To start off with I don't know anything about Greek mythology,
but I like the story. It was a little confusing for me though.
Keep up the good work!
And I look forward to reading the next two chapters.
Sorry this was so short.
~wildatheart
Yooooo
Except for jump off a cliff, that would be jut plain weird.
A.K.A, I'm in a good mood.
Here to review, as requested!
I know nothing about Greek mythology, so I'll probably suck at this. I'm definitely willing to try and review it for you though. I'd do anything for you, Sionarama.
Aww... I thought that this was sweet.
Ew. I know a guy who speaks like that; he's a poo.
You changed your tense here. I understand why you did it though, I think.
haha...
I liked this finishing line.
Overall
To be honest, I wasn't too sure what was going on here. For some reason though, I actually kind of liked that fact. Yeah, I'm weird like that. Woop! I rhymed!
My main critique kind of involves the shortness of this. It's the same critique as the other piece of fiction, Skin, that I reviewed for you. Basically, you seem to rush through things. To begin with, I would have liked to know some background behind your characters. I didn't really know much about them, just that one of them reminded me of someone in my class. I didn't know much about your MC either, which is always important. Another thing about your characters I didn't know was what they look like. Greek God's and stuff are supposed to be beautiful, aren't they? Show us how they are beautiful! Also, your two characters seemed to kiss and then just wake up. I'm not asking you to describe... well, you know; 'Love making'. I would just like you to not make it feel so rushed. Do you get what I mean? What I'm basically trying to say is that you need to slow some things down a bit.
Except for this, there wasn't really much else to critique. I think that this is mainly because your piece is rather short though. Because of the shortness of it, there wasn't really a clear beginning, conflict, middle, climax or end to your story. I actually said the same thing to your brother. With a story so short though, creating these are kind of impossible. The only way that you can really solve this problem is by making this story longer. I have to admit though, I really like the shortness of this piece of writing. Like I said before, the shortness of this gives it quite a light mood. You could definitely make this longer if you wanted to, I don't really feel like you need to though. I'm pretty sure that others would disagree with me though...
Keep writing!
xoxo Skins
Yah I'm TOTALLY interested!!!! Lee-Anna, thanks for finally reviewing!! it's about time (hahahaha)! I'll be sure to try and change it....
Hey
This is more of a comment than a review really. I have to say, I really liked this! It was short but I definitely think that it was effective. Although I would like it if you made it somewhat longer! Not so long that it drags on, just so the piece can be a bit more detailed!
Overall, I really loved some of your descriptions. You create some really nice imagery in my head! Although, you do have a tendency to rush a bit. This would be improved if you made the story longer though. Try doing that?
Oh and thanks for reviewing my short story, by the way.
I'm about to post the second part of it, if you're interested?
~ Lala
Hello, my little Sionarama!
I'm finally going to review this!
). I agree with other people: I wish there were a few more details, but everything else in the story is good! Just a few nitpicks:
I liked it! I like the Greek mythology (of course
Verb of speaking!! Comma after "better" instead of a period. Also comma after "coaxed," not a period.
Another verb of speaking problem! Haha period after "awake," not a comma.
Personally, I think there should be a question mark after "You mean the dead guy!" because it sounds like he's asking a question, but you could take it differently.
Personally (again), I would just take the "gulp" out, but that's just my opinion. It's not really an error.
Again, good job! I can't wait to see what happens in chapter three!
~Lee-Anna
Hey Sionarama, it's Pink, here as promised.
Alright so I like the whole god and goddess aspect of this. Along with the Greek mythology, it's quite refreshing and I don't think it's similar to Percy Jackson, really.
My real problem was the flow and the shortness of this chapter. It was short, precise and you skipped parts and didn't explain the scenes fully. I would love it if you expanded this and added more detail. What made her suddenly kiss Ares? What was going through her head? I don't like it when someone who is in love kisses someone else out of the blue without much of an explanation.
Anyway, your wording is beautiful for a thirteen year-old so I applaud you for that. Keep up this idea and make it longer and add more detail, I think that was significantly help this piece out.
Ta-ta for now,
~Pink
ok, but its romantic fiction not fanfic because its not copying Percy Jackson.
Umm...one thing, the only time when I knew Aphrodite fell for Ares was in The Lightning Thief. To me, this is fanfiction. Is it?
Helloo.
I really liked it. The imagery is beautiful, the wording/phrasing is lovely as well.
The only thing is that it started off kind of sudden... and I understand what you were trying to do (because that's how I usually start my stories)--no introduction, just getting straight to the point. And that's fine. But I was just a little... confused. Maybe confused isn't the right word, but I just think it was a little disjointed. Try describing the characters as you introduce them: I find that usually helps keep the reader interested. If you just jump right into dialogue without any building of the characters, the reader is going to think he/she missed the opening chapter of the story.
But great work, I definitely think you should keep at it!
-Francesca
Hi! I'm David. Nice story and good choice of topics (I love Greek mythology) There's nothing wrong grammatically as far as I can see, and I really think you should continue the story. Though the one thing I didn't get was how Aphrodite fell for Ares then woke up in the morning thinking he was Adonis. There a lot of scenarios which could take place, but for this sort of begining (Aphrodite throwing punches at Ares)the end (making love so suddenly) doesn't really fit and then after she leaves 'crying silently' it again doesn't fit that she starts 'knocking loudly and calling Zeus' Perhaps it would make more sense if she stormed away from Ares then did the rest or after she left Ares she might have gone to Athena or Hera instead of Zeus (you know, for some feminine support). Looking forward to what happens next