I Don't Want to Die
It’s funny how the small, unimportant memories are the ones that you remember the best. That’s how it is for me, anyway. I don’t recall many Christmases, birthdays or any other major events. I remember how Tommo, Mollie and I used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to. When Big Joe managed to get himself stuck in the Church tower and how I practically dragged Tommo to his first day of school. I can’t help but chuckle quietly to myself. Tommo’s never been the bravest of all guys.
As I stare at the blank wall in front of me, I sigh. I glance at the clock; ten hours left. The weather is really pleasant today but I hate its perfection. It’s as if it's mocking me, mocking what’s to come. I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one, one of Mollie and little Tommo junior. Life’s an extraordinary thing; it really is. It’s incredible how someone like me can create such a beautiful child. I just wish that I could have the chance to watch him grow up.
I know it’s silly and pointless, but I can’t help but hope that a miracle will happen tomorrow. I mean, I haven’t done much wrong. I’ve been a pretty good guy. Sure, I’ve made mistakes but I don’t have any regrets. There’s no point in dwelling in the past. All that matters is what's happening right now. I want to make every moment last. I haven’t got many of them left, after all. I now understand what mother meant when she told me that time is precious.
I can hear the clock ticking, counting down the hours. How long left now? Eight hours maybe? Part of me wishes that I still had my watch; my wrist feels empty without it. It’s almost as if it makes me feel defeated, which is absurd really. I haven’t been defeated. I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted. Even if I’ve only had a taste of it. I have a gorgeous wife, amazing mother and a perfect big brother. As for my younger brother? He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known. Even if he is a bit of a girl at times. He’ll take good care of Mollie and little Tommo. I know he will.
It must be getting late, but I don’t care. I don’t want to sleep tonight. I don’t want to have to wake up. I wish I could see them all one last time: mother, Mollie, Tommo junior, Big Joe and Tommo. I’m glad they had let me see Tommo a few hours ago though. That gave me some kind of comfort. At least I was able to give him my watch and he was able to give me his word. If only he knew how hard it was to look after a woman and a child. I bet he’ll regret promising me once he does discover how hard it is. I can’t help but let a weak smile grow on my face.
Seven hours to go. That annoying clock is still ticking away, still mocking me. I don’t want to think about tomorrow; I can’t think about tomorrow. It'll make me weep. I can’t allow myself to cry. I’m Charlie: the leader, the big brother, the man. I don’t cry, but I guess that sometimes, that's all you can do. When there’s nothing else left, you cry. A small teardrop runs down my cheek. It’s not fair. I don’t want to die.
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140,878 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Hi Skins! Seeing as everyone else has already done the nitpicking, I'll just tell you my thoughts on this. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I love the emotion in this. I like how at first he starts out strong and positive, and finally breaks down in the end. By the time I was finished I had that pleasent feeling of sadness I get when I read a story like this. Keep up the good work, and you better get a good grade for this.
I not much of a writer, But I just wanted to say I like it.
Hey and thanks for requesting a review
I really think it should be the most instead of the best but that might be a personal opinion as well. See how you like it.
Putting anyway at the end ofthis sentence makes him sound dismissive and i don't think that's the tone you want to portray. This sentence would work just as effectively if you would take it altogether.
I think these two sentences should be joined together it adds to the flow.
This isn't really a full sentence. How about putting or at the beginning like so.
I think you should re-word the first sentence because the repition of I sigh I glance doesn't appeal to a reader.
There should be a comma and today because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.
You onl use a semi colon when you are joining together two complete sentences without a conjunction. Here you only need a comma.
There needs to a be a comma after mistakes.
I dont exactly know what you mean here, but this is not a full sentence. wheres your verb?
Though is not needed.
A comma after watch is needed
Never ever start a sentence with the words but, and, & because. These are conjunction words and indicate that the following is a fragment or a clause. I just joing the sentences together like so.
Over all: I don't feel any emotion in this. I expect that if this was right before a man's death that he would have some sort of emotion, even lack of emotion is still showing some emotion. Does he twitch? Does he tap his fingers along the floor, the wall? Is he nervous? Mad? Sad? I know that you indicate that he cries at the end but i would like to see that kind of emotion through out the whole piece.
Also, I think that if you proff read your work you wouldn't have had as many grammar problems as you did. Otherwise is was well writen, and I hope you get a good grade.
Have a great day
Tiffany
Hi! Here to review as requested, though I seemed to have been just a bit too slow.
This is something I myself have trouble with, but nonetheless I'll give a few of my own suggestions. (Organized into the a,b,c thing so I don't get confused... XD)
Private Peaceful was assigned reading last year for me, and it's really stuck with me. I really like what you've done here as well--I'm feeling sad.
I'd also say that your teacher probably won't be nearly as strict as the YWSers, but anyway, on to the critique!
Since I've read the book, I wasn't at all confused by the characters, etc, and I think you did an excellent job. The nitpicks have definitely been taken care of, so I'll just try and find something else to talk about:
1. Emotional impact. This is a very, very, very sad story. In fact, the book was one of the most depressing I've ever read.
But I feel like this could have been sadder.
a) The more times you repeat something, the less impact it has.
b) Also, saying something outright is almsot never as good as alluding to it.
c) I'd definitely suggest keeping the knowledge that he's going to die until the end. Obviously, he knows it, but I'd take out the actual mentions of it because it ruins the suspence.
d) One of the most memorable things about the book was the suspence. We saw the ticking clock, but we didn't know what it was ticking down to, and so we keep reading. Here, when you say something like "I have only minutes left to live" I tend not to care so much, for whatever reason. Actually, (and this is just an idea) you could have that here, with mentions of the actual time left (ie "Just six hours left now, and..." "Four hours left. I'm running out of time") WITHOUT actually mentioning death. So we don't know until later.
e) His memories could have more impact as well. Right now it feels almost like you chose the ones you have to prove you read the book (and maybe you did, but still)you said that the small memories stand out, so show us some actual small memories, and show him wanting to stay in them.
Also, in this paragraph the voice seemed a little off:
I also agree with a lot of Kyllorac said.
Hope this helps at least a tiny bit.
See you! And feel free to ask for another review anytime.
Lupis
Hey Skins! I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.
I like the ending and the rest of it. I can't really comment on how it relates to the story since I've never read it. I really don't have anything to say besides what's up there in pink. OH, I remember what I wanted to say. I don't feel very much emotion from him at all. It seems very bland and it seems like it would be read in a monotone because I don't feel anything. Not concerrn for his family, or even sadness for his self. I can see the words, but you aren't making me feel it with him.
PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writing,
~Danie
Thanks for the reviews guys!
As for the whole confusing family thing; I know! I have to say 'Tommo junior' because Tommo is the MC's brother. His son is also called Tommo. Charlie named his son after his younger brother. It's still confusing, isn't it...?
I wasn't too specific about family details because my teacher has read the book and knows all of the characters. Basically, I'm lazy. I blame the author though! Couldn't he just have named Charlie's son Jeff...? Plus, I didn't want to make the monologue feel as though it was an info dump or anything.
Thanks again guys,
xoxo Skins
Hello there, Skins!
But really, I'm glad I read this and like what Captain classy stated, this is truly amazing. 
It's really good for a monologue. 
I like how you kept the flow smooth and easy, except for the 'Tommo' part. 
Connection also appears between your MC and me, which is good. It was kind of emotional and a deep monologue. i felt sad and sorry for the MC though. 
Edited: So I read your spoiler above the story. 
now I get it but... if charlie's son is named Tommo Junior, then it should be really just Charlie junior 'cause it's like you're referring Charlie's son to be Tommo's son. 
Hope you understand me.
I agree with Classy, the family relations in the plot is quite confusing. Try to make this things clear by adding more emphasis on the relationships between each characters. Also, the perfection of your MC, I didn't like it. He tells that he has an amazing wife and kids and then he says its hard to look after a woman and a child.
Anyways, your grammars and spelling are fine though on the commas and semicolons part, they are bit confusing and lost.
Spoiler
Overall, I really like this!
Sorry, if this is not really a proper review but I hope I helped something.
Keep up the good work!
Peace out!
_yuri_
*likes*
Goodness, Skins!
you should specify that Mollie is his wife, and Tommo junior is his son. Otherwise, it's just difficult to interpret. You have too many names going on in here.This was truly amazing. As I sat there reading it, I started to act it out. It was really fun to say, and to pretend that I knew the feelings he was experiencing.
So, the confusing part:
His family. You need to make it more clear that Tommo junior is his child. And is Tommo his brother? I was really confused by the family. I had to read it twice to get it. Since it is a monologue and listeners won't be able to hear it twice, you need to make things extra clear. Instead of saying
Other than that, you're good! What I really liked is that you didn't tell us what he did wrong. That would just ruin the innocent feelings I get from this piece. I get that he's just a guy who wants to be with his family, but he had to do something awful to protect them. It really does make me want to cry, and if this was an entire play, I probably would. I don't know why, but I have a soft spot for fathers.
Keep writing! Thanks for the request, sorry it took so long!
Classy
Here I am, as requested.
Delete this sentence. It's redundant since you already have "That’s how it is for me, anyway."
Poaching is illegal, so the last part of this sentence is unnecessary (and redundant).
This would work better merged with the previous sentence. Right now, it's a fragment.
Who is "he"? Tommo or Big Joe?
Tense shift.
This fragment makes no sense. Not at all what?
Would work better if you merged this into one sentence: I shake the thought out of my head and replace it with a happier one, one of Mollie and little Tommo junior.
Comma when you have dependent clauses (phrases that lack a subject) and semicolon when you have independent clauses. An easy check is if the phrase can stand alone as its own sentence, it's an independent clause.
I'd change this to "All that matters is what's happening right now" to vary up the sentence structure a bit.
Colons come before lists. Also, the first sentence makes it seem as though they hadn't let him see anyone, so the seeing Tommo sentence came as a bit of a surprise. I suggest placing the first sentence later on in the paragraph (after the comfort sentence would work) so that the "all" is emphasized.
Since you've been using contractions, the lack of one was really jarring and unnatural-sounding.
List, so colon rather than semicolon.
The "tainted" in particular makes this melodramatic and cheapens the emotion. Keep it simple and let the situation speak for itself. You're already manipulating your readers' emotions enough as-is, and any more is overkill.
Overall, your punctuation wasn't bad, though you do need to review the differences between commas, colons, and semicolons. Also, you may have been taught differently, but I was taught that in a list, you place commas after each of the items, including the item before the and/or.
As far as the actual writing went, the one thing I noticed was that you tended to repeat yourself to the point of redundancy, and I got the impression that you were trying to fill this out to reach a certain word count. I suggest that you go back through and cut out the unnecessary words/phrases; the strength of this piece lies in that the narrator is baring his soul to us, so the prose should be as equally bare and unaffected to help reinforce this.
Other than that, this was pretty strong. There were a couple of places where it was pretty obvious that you were yanking on your readers' heartstrings, but it wasn't so obvious that it really annoyed me (with the exception of the tainted teardrops part).
Hey Skins. I promised you that I would review it this morning and now it is...10:48 AM. Haha
. Well here to review for you. Also, I googled this book-Private Peaceful but didn't find much but your spoiler helped a bit.
Okay I liked this starting till 'memories'. After that I couldn't get the impact. Maybe you should write this: Its funny how the small and unimportant memories are the ones that you remember the most.I have just added the most' at the end, which means the sentence a bit more nice. Up to you, but!These two sentences sound more or less similar to each other with the use of 'That's how'. I liked the expression and the thought behind the both, but it just didn't seem nice to me to read same sentences. Play with words, dear!
I have noticed this kind of error before also in your writing. it should be 'I'.
I really loved this sentence. :p
Poor soul! :O
This was a very important, beautiful and sweet line. I really liked your creativity here.
Okay two tos' made this a bit of boring to read and also I think there's something wrong with this.
I had a problem while reading this: Who's Tommo?(His brother?) And if yes then who's Tommo Jr. (Charlie' son?) If another yes, then why is Tommo Jr. called so? Shouldn't he be called Charlie Jr. as he is MC's son. PM me the reply, please. This confused me a bit, but it can be just me. I have a tendency to confuse myself, a bit.
I would say that this was a neat piece with small mistakes only, which can be corrected easily. You played a lot with emotions here and that's what I liked about this story. I didn't get to know much, but I know a little about this book now, that I have read your monologue. So thumbs up on that!
I liked the thing you wrote for wrist watch. That was very nice and shows how much he loved his power. The sentnece where you say he isn't supposed to cry as he's big and all, was best, asthat's how men are. Aren't they?
Grammar: So I don't have much to say here as it was grammar wise perfect, except for those little mistakes. And I can see that now you know the science of comma putting, though I still need help on that. You were right;more you write, more you learn and perfect the writing skills. Great job done!
But there's one thing that I have noticed is a habit of yours. Its whenever you need to address the first person with other two like here:I remember how Tommo, Mollie and me used to go poaching when we really weren’t supposed to.
You shouldn't be using 'me' here as I have told you earlier also. It should be 'I' only. I hope you refer to a grammar book and revise writing these sentences. That would be good!
Okay, so I have dragged on this review a bit. What I actually want to say is that you had minute issue here and there, which I pointed out, but I had a nice time reading this. And I hope I get this book to read here in India. Keeping my fingers crossed!
Have a nice time and I hope your teacher gives you A grade, as that's what you deserve.
Thanks for the read!
~Shubhi
Hey skins, my friend
I have discovered the downfall of this piece:
You’re repeating your endings and beginnings too often, and the tone is so casual it hurts.
Yep. That’s right.
Let’s see if I go through this and cut out all the unnecessary bits. Remember, less is more!
Whew! I hope that’s better. You better get damn good marks for that
-Maddy
I apologize in advance for any mess ups in my review, this is my first one.
I don't have many notes for improvement, but this paragraph here:
Is a little contradictory. He says he doesn't want to die, but that the future doesn't matter. I think I understand what you mean, but you might want to say it in a clearer fashion.
I also think you could flesh out his relationships a little since he talks about how important his family and friends are to him. I agree with Embee, perhaps you could add some fake conversation.
Other than the two points above this was good and I enjoyed reading it. The way he gives up at the end and breaks down was really moving.
Hey Skins, I thought you did a pretty good job on this. I like how he's trying to be all positive in the beginning but in the end, he eventually starts crying. In some places, though, you got a little info-dumpy. Maybe you can have Charlie have a fake conversation in his head with the ones he loves. For example: "Well, Mother, you may have noticed that I'm about to die, but..." Or you could say: How would by children tell this story to their children? Will they make me out to be a hero or a disappointment? Or: What would my wife think if she saw me crying like this? Would she cry with me? Stuff like that gives us some more insight into Charlie's relationships with the people he loves.
Other than the things I mentioned, this was a pleasure to read.
Embee