Young Writers Society

Hi!
This poem is really awesome. It doesn’t exactly have stanzas, which might have helped to split it up, but it was still an interesting and kind of intriguing choice.
It also had a different pattern— the beginnings of the lines were in sort of ‘couples’, like the pair of lines started with the same word. That makes it a little choppy to read when you don’t start with the same words. If you either started with the same word or different words all through the poem, that might make it a little easier to read. It’s still a really interesting choice, though.
When you say ‘breakin’ or ‘leavin’, it doesn’t really math the tone of the poem. If you added a g at the end, it might flow better.
I did really like how it sounded, though, kind of like a letter to me. I don’t know if that was what you intended, but it was really cool either way.
I also found the line ‘Breakin’ down is worse than breakin’ up for me’ really satisfying, and I’m not sure how that’s relevant, but that’s okay.
Feel free to disregard everything I just said; they’re just opinions.
Keep doing what you’re doing!
-Rana Noodles

For me it felt like the poem had some continuous themes, but failed to communicate a cohesive narrative - it didn't feel like the lines built together to create one story.

It's not clear how diversity, speaking, and stealing are connected - the poem just felt a bit disjointed.

To get away from it being disjointed, I'd try to rewrite the poem without the sound devices/patterns you're using, and then see if you can add some of them back in, I really think that unless you're writing a dr. seuss style poem meaning should come first, then sound devices.

You've got some intriguing lines like "stolen waters are sweet" and "being alone is delightful" but you never explain what they mean in this context.

The poem needs more narrative background so that readers can connect to what's being said. Explain the metaphors you're using a bit more, and dive into them, instead of just sprinkling a bunch all at once.

Good luck in future writing!

-alliyah

Hello! SBG here with your review!

Suggestions

My first suggestion is to watch the length of your lines. The flow of your poem is generally good, but having lines that are a lot longer than the rest of your poem can disrupt the flow quiet a bit. I am specifically talking about the line:

SimiDeJoie4 wrote: Breakin' down is worse than breakin' up for me

SimiDeJoie4 wrote:Leavin' me disturbs you

Leaving' you accosts me