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Stolen Waters, Stolen Kisses (poetry)

by SimiDeJoie4


Stolen waters are sweet

Stolen kisses are sweeter

Love is stronger than wine

Decision is stronger than wine

Love for you is crazier than ever

Zeal to lead is crazier than love

Being with you is blissful

Being alone is delightful

Breakin' up is hard for you

Breakin' down is worse than breakin' up for me

Love is a great force

Fear is a greater force

Diversity is an option to you

Diversity is an obstacle to me

Acting you love me is easier

Saying I love you is faster

Leavin' me disturbs you

Leaving' you accosts me

Stolen waters are sweet

Stolen kisses are sweeter


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25 Reviews


Points: 2050
Reviews: 25

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Sat Dec 21, 2019 3:31 pm
RanaNoodles wrote a review...



Hi!
This poem is really awesome. It doesn’t exactly have stanzas, which might have helped to split it up, but it was still an interesting and kind of intriguing choice.
It also had a different pattern— the beginnings of the lines were in sort of ‘couples’, like the pair of lines started with the same word. That makes it a little choppy to read when you don’t start with the same words. If you either started with the same word or different words all through the poem, that might make it a little easier to read. It’s still a really interesting choice, though.
When you say ‘breakin’ or ‘leavin’, it doesn’t really math the tone of the poem. If you added a g at the end, it might flow better.
I did really like how it sounded, though, kind of like a letter to me. I don’t know if that was what you intended, but it was really cool either way.
I also found the line ‘Breakin’ down is worse than breakin’ up for me’ really satisfying, and I’m not sure how that’s relevant, but that’s okay.
Feel free to disregard everything I just said; they’re just opinions.
Keep doing what you’re doing!
-Rana Noodles




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896 Reviews


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Thu Dec 19, 2019 10:50 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



For me it felt like the poem had some continuous themes, but failed to communicate a cohesive narrative - it didn't feel like the lines built together to create one story.

It's not clear how diversity, speaking, and stealing are connected - the poem just felt a bit disjointed.

To get away from it being disjointed, I'd try to rewrite the poem without the sound devices/patterns you're using, and then see if you can add some of them back in, I really think that unless you're writing a dr. seuss style poem meaning should come first, then sound devices.

You've got some intriguing lines like "stolen waters are sweet" and "being alone is delightful" but you never explain what they mean in this context.

The poem needs more narrative background so that readers can connect to what's being said. Explain the metaphors you're using a bit more, and dive into them, instead of just sprinkling a bunch all at once.

Good luck in future writing! :)

-alliyah




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Thu Dec 19, 2019 4:52 pm
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Softballgirl333 wrote a review...



Hello! SBG here with your review!

Suggestions

My first suggestion is to watch the length of your lines. The flow of your poem is generally good, but having lines that are a lot longer than the rest of your poem can disrupt the flow quiet a bit. I am specifically talking about the line:

SimiDeJoie4 wrote: Breakin' down is worse than breakin' up for me


An easy fix to this would be "Breaking down is worse for me."

My next suggestion also applies to the that line and the one above it. In many places you cut off the "g" at the end of words, and depending on the style you're going for, that is okay occasionally, but honestly I feel like leaving the word as is benefits your poem.

SimiDeJoie4 wrote:Leavin' me disturbs you

Leaving' you accosts me


Like with these lines here, you left the "g" on one, but not the other, which I am assuming was a typo or a mistake, but I feel like you need to make it uniform throughout your poem. Again I feel like it reads better with leaving the "g" on the end.


Now to the good.
I really love how you keep the comparisons going between "you" and "me" throughout the entirety of the poem. It really makes it easy to fall into the flow of your poem. Well done here.

The other thing I absolutely adore is the fact that you started and ended the poem with the same lines, sometimes this can be dangerous, but this fits your poem really well. You go through all of this contrasting things that show these people are so different, but ending with the begging lines sends out a really nice message. At least the message I got from your poem was really nice.

Overall, fantastic job on this poem and I enjoyed reading it.

Happy Writing,
SBG




SimiDeJoie4 says...


Thank you so much




It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer