Stolen waters are sweet
Stolen kisses are sweeter
Love is stronger than wine
Decision is stronger than wine
Love for you is crazier than ever
Zeal to lead is crazier than love
Being with you is blissful
Being alone is delightful
Breakin' up is hard for you
Breakin' down is worse than breakin' up for me
Love is a great force
Fear is a greater force
Diversity is an option to you
Diversity is an obstacle to me
Acting you love me is easier
Saying I love you is faster
Leavin' me disturbs you
Leaving' you accosts me
Stolen waters are sweet
Stolen kisses are sweeter
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi!
This poem is really awesome. It doesn’t exactly have stanzas, which might have helped to split it up, but it was still an interesting and kind of intriguing choice.
It also had a different pattern— the beginnings of the lines were in sort of ‘couples’, like the pair of lines started with the same word. That makes it a little choppy to read when you don’t start with the same words. If you either started with the same word or different words all through the poem, that might make it a little easier to read. It’s still a really interesting choice, though.
When you say ‘breakin’ or ‘leavin’, it doesn’t really math the tone of the poem. If you added a g at the end, it might flow better.
I did really like how it sounded, though, kind of like a letter to me. I don’t know if that was what you intended, but it was really cool either way.
I also found the line ‘Breakin’ down is worse than breakin’ up for me’ really satisfying, and I’m not sure how that’s relevant, but that’s okay.
Feel free to disregard everything I just said; they’re just opinions.
Keep doing what you’re doing!
-Rana Noodles
For me it felt like the poem had some continuous themes, but failed to communicate a cohesive narrative - it didn't feel like the lines built together to create one story.
It's not clear how diversity, speaking, and stealing are connected - the poem just felt a bit disjointed.
To get away from it being disjointed, I'd try to rewrite the poem without the sound devices/patterns you're using, and then see if you can add some of them back in, I really think that unless you're writing a dr. seuss style poem meaning should come first, then sound devices.
You've got some intriguing lines like "stolen waters are sweet" and "being alone is delightful" but you never explain what they mean in this context.
The poem needs more narrative background so that readers can connect to what's being said. Explain the metaphors you're using a bit more, and dive into them, instead of just sprinkling a bunch all at once.
Good luck in future writing!
-alliyah
Hello! SBG here with your review!
Suggestions
My first suggestion is to watch the length of your lines. The flow of your poem is generally good, but having lines that are a lot longer than the rest of your poem can disrupt the flow quiet a bit. I am specifically talking about the line:
An easy fix to this would be "Breaking down is worse for me."
My next suggestion also applies to the that line and the one above it. In many places you cut off the "g" at the end of words, and depending on the style you're going for, that is okay occasionally, but honestly I feel like leaving the word as is benefits your poem.
Like with these lines here, you left the "g" on one, but not the other, which I am assuming was a typo or a mistake, but I feel like you need to make it uniform throughout your poem. Again I feel like it reads better with leaving the "g" on the end.
Now to the good.
I really love how you keep the comparisons going between "you" and "me" throughout the entirety of the poem. It really makes it easy to fall into the flow of your poem. Well done here.
The other thing I absolutely adore is the fact that you started and ended the poem with the same lines, sometimes this can be dangerous, but this fits your poem really well. You go through all of this contrasting things that show these people are so different, but ending with the begging lines sends out a really nice message. At least the message I got from your poem was really nice.
Overall, fantastic job on this poem and I enjoyed reading it.
Happy Writing,
SBG
Thank you so much