in a fire, i take all i can carry

Hi Silver! Lim here with a review.

I interpret this poem as being about the unwillingness to let go of something or perhaps the determination to keep holding onto it even when the odds seem impossible that it can be saved. The speaker seems to be portrayed as being alone in this endeavour - the “you” no longer wants the “nest” and in the second, the speaker’s mother leaves. The last stanza seems to add a comment about the speaker’s worldview - are they saying they wished they were more self-sufficient, less dependent on others for “home”? Or perhaps they wish to be less obsessive (“bury the too-keen scientist”)?

Something I like about this poem is how you set the tone and atmosphere using descriptions of the landscape. “stripped pine” and a “fallen nest” make a very evocative image and convey the sense of desolation and perhaps abandonment that seems to characterise the speaker’s feelings. I like that you continue to reference this forest imagery with “pull me through the earth” in the second stanza and then “feathery roots” in the last one, as that helps tie the whole piece together.

Something you might want to think about is which images and metaphors are most important to telling your story. When I was reading it the first time, I felt like there was a lot going on in the second stanza - references to math (“ever-shifting equation”), fire (“the world has burned”), nautical images (“i go down with the ship”). Individually I think those lines work great, and I especially liked the one about the captain. Still you might want to consider if you’d like to clear some metaphorical space so the central ideas (for example the forest and fire) can shine more.

Potentially jumping between many images could be a way to show that the speaker is still “dreaming” and I can see that for the line about the mother - potentially the line about the captain could be introduced in a similar way? To mark that it is “in a dream”.

I liked the sense of mystery in the poem. I feel like there is just enough revealed for me to understand the speaker’s story and feelings, but still some things left ambiguous in an interesting way. “what will it take to go first?” is a very specific question and seems to be taken from some other context where the speaker was conversing with the “you”, but I feel like it ties into the speaker’s recurring theme of not wanting to leave or let go of the house (and so will not “go first”).

Overall, this was a really good piece. The poetic voice is well-developed and I really appreciate the desolate atmosphere created, and the mood of sadness and underlying desperation.

Keep writing!
-Lim

I think this is one of my favorites of yours, silv. I remember when you posted it in your napo thread and going: Oh. This is good. So glad you're sharing it on the site as a fully-fledged work.

This is very intricate!

I enjoy the dream logic. You’re using dreams to explore themes of burden, inheritance, and self-worth, and it works because dreams are where these things are often most vivid. I have always been fond of dream metaphors in poetry because of that! These moments are heavy, but they don’t overstay their welcome. They linger just enough to haunt the remaining narrative.

The poem feels like it’s moving in too many directions at once, though. You have ravens, nests, fire, dreams, mothers, and melting points. All of which are strong individually, but the connections between them feel loose. What’s the main story here? The ravens are such a compelling starting point, but they vanish too soon, leaving the rest of the poem to pick up their weight. As soon as they are written in, they're gone. It leaves the following stanzas feeling hollow.

Suggestions:
- Bring the ravens back! They’re doing so much work in the opening, but they don’t get to follow through. How do they tie into the dreams, the self-sacrifice, and the narrative identity? Ravens are symbolic creatures.
- Tighten the transitions between imagery-heavy moments and abstract reflections. Let the visuals and the emotions inform each other more directly. As this remains, there isn't room to breathe. It is imagery after imagery.
- Consider focusing more on the relationship between the narrator and the unnamed person. A lover? The stanza in the parentheses has a lot of weight, but the emotional fallout feels underexplored.

Let the symbols have space, let the transitions smooth out, and let the emotions cut deeper. You’ve built something beautiful here!

All the best!