you write to me in orange but i don't get it in time, so i show up
to the wrong hill on fire, the wrong december, overlooking
those thirteen crosses. you once said they were nearing the top,
and i decided not to mention the dreams of us in body bags,
one foot closer to my door every night. i'd rather not be a prophet.
i spend enough time standing over smokejumper graves
and saying we can run away, we can run whenever we want,
i know grass that burns better, and my words will echo
because i am not the first fool to say them on this ridge.
a fire on the horizon means it's not too late, a fire on the stove
means you're coming home again, the fire in your lungs
is still learning of new ways to die with no last words.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Another poem! I will review this as well.
So, the fire is doing so much work here, both as a literal force and as a metaphor. It’s layered so effectively that it feels inescapable. It works because it is relentless. I think it’s a clever and subtle way of showing how destruction creeps into every corner of life. The idea of a wildfire in particular is extremely interesting, and it does pair well with the kind of love that's written here!
There’s a hint of prophecy and inevitability too, but it doesn’t quite land because we don’t fully understand what the narrator is seeing or feeling. What does it mean for them to stand over smokejumper graves or dream of body bags? I understand what it's trying to say, but it falls short. It doesn't relate back to anything pre-existing in the poem. These motifs beg for just a little more clarity. You don’t need to over-explain, but grounding the perspective would add more emotion.
You already lean into the idea of fate so much, so I imagine you could lean more. There’s a lot of implied intimacy and grief, but it’s too veiled to actually resonate. It's enigmatic. A little too much. That is neither good or bad.
All the best!
Thanks for the review! This definitely isn't my most obvious poem lol, it's good to hear some parts could be clearer. Thanks again! :)
hi silv!
i felt a strong urge to review, so here i am!
this was immediately intriguing to me! this line has this layered immediacy. the colour, the urgency, and the miscommunication fit together in a way that sets the tone for the rest. following it, there is this quiet devastation. the wrong hill, the wrong december, the haunting image of those thirteen crosses. it’s very disorientating, like a search for meaning that arrives just too late. that's real!
what strikes me most is the tension between prophecy and avoidance. the narrator doesn’t want to be a prophet, yet dreams of body bags creep in. their ominous presence is juxtaposed with words like "we can run away" and such. this refusal to be prophetic is a deeply human contradiction; it's a need to confront versus the desire to flee. beautifully human, and it's painful in its resignation!
there’s an incredible balance in the imagery of fire. each type is with its own meaning, its own weight. the fire on the horizon might suggest hope or urgency, the stove is something intimate and comforting, the lungs is something suffocating yet familiar, etc. this motif really anchors the poem, yet never feels overdone! that's hard to manage, but it was done well here. extremely well!
ooh very angsty, very great imagery!
speaking of fire, i think the progression between each is striking, but i feel lost in the transitions. they feel like isolated ideas rather than part of a cohesive poem. i want to know how the fire in the lungs reflects back to the ones on the horizon or stove.
this line also feels slightly over-explained compared to the rest of the poem. there was a very careful restraint that this line doesn't capture. maybe ending on a more ambiguous image could benefit the ending. perhaps you could focus on the fire’s relentlessness without directly mentioning death; it could create a stronger emotional response. it keeps the focus on the fire’s persistence and destruction without saying "yeah, the fire sucks and here's why" yknow.
overall, this is stunning though! it's hard to balance intimacy with universality, but you did it. i will be thinking about this one for a while.
best,
chi
thanks chi!! your feedback is incredible and means a lot as always! :)