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The Last Spell 1.1

by SilverNight


Cyrin flexed his fingers through his gloves, trying to keep them warm. If they went numb in this cold, he’d have a hard time using them, and that would be unfortunate when he was holding onto a rope, only halfway down a drop between two walls of ice, and still over a hundred feet from the bottom.

The advice on climbs was to never look down, but Cyrin had never understood the paralyzing vertigo that non-climbers described when faced with a fall. A rapid and panicked heart was often mentioned too, but theirs had only ever raced with excitement at the thrill, and so they could glance below them without a thought of how high up they were as they clambered down.

There was no wind down here, only the bitter chill of so much ice around him, which detracted slightly from the adventurous mood. At least Cyrin didn’t have to worry about being blown off. He’d climbed in enough storms before, and he’d learned the hard way how it felt to crash into the side of a building because the rope he was holding on to had started swinging like a pendulum in the wind. After that, they had started checking the forecast before a job. Despite that experience, he wouldn’t have minded a gust to blow the hair of his face when he faced downwards.

His heist partner, Mireya, was glancing up in that same moment and taking the risk of removing a hand from her own rope to wave at him. With a slight smile of amusement, Cyrin wrapped their legs around the rope tighter so they could return it safely. Mireya was smaller and lighter than him, and had more experience climbing, so she’d outpaced him by a couple body lengths. She grinned widely as she waited for them, a teasing spark gleaming in her eyes. Cyrin caught up to her in a couple seconds, stopping alongside her and raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“Bet that you can’t go faster,” Mireya said in a sing-song voice, just like he thought she would.

Cyrin laughed, their breath clouding in the cold air. “Can’t go faster? I could go at terminal velocity, but not for very long.”

“I don’t like what that would involve, and you’d probably make a crater in the ice below.” Mireya pointed downwards, leaning dangerously far back as she did.

“I suppose it would make for a rather cheap funeral if you didn’t have to bury me elsewhere, but I’d hope that my death would at least merit a budget.”

“We did pay twenty each in museum admission to the Permafrost’s Fall,” Mireya pointed out. “They only charged us for the half above, because that’s where we’re supposed to be, but technically the two tickets were on our heist budget.”

Cyrin rolled their eyes. “Thank you for pricing my worth as equal to a pair of sneakers.”

Mireya smirked, shaking her head. “Give or take. So, are you accepting the dare or not?”

He blew on his hands, trying to warm them up again after they’d chilled during their short conversation. “I could slide down, somewhat, but it’s pretty cold and I’d hate to remove a few layers off my gloves just as I get to the bottom of this freezer.”

“Congratulations, this dare has now upgraded to a double dare.” Mireya leaned over and nudged his shoulder.

“You owe me a pair of gloves after this.” Cyrin let out an exaggerated sigh.

He removed his legs from the rope and loosened his grip slightly, which allowed to him to drop in a part free-fall, part slide as he sped down towards the bottom of the ice pit. The gloves protected their hands from what would have been a horrible rope burn, but they could still feel the heat and friction from their palms moving over the rough surface so rapidly. Cyrin waited until they were about fifteen feet away from the end before squeezing tightly to pull the brake on their fall. He jolted to a sudden stop, his arms aching from the force of it, before quickly clambering down the last of it and jumping to the ground.

They glanced up when they heard a high-pitched squeal of excitement to see that Mireya was doing the same, sliding down her rope at a breakneck speed as her blue hair flew around her gleeful face. She waited even closer to the last moment before stopping, her rope swaying wildly. She took a graceful bow, pulling one arm to her chest as she held on with the other— then promptly slipped on the ice when she climbed down.

“That was a great show, and an even better landing,” Cyrin said innocently as they helped her up.

Mireya shoved him the moment she was on her feet, nearly falling over again when he didn’t budge and she only pushed herself backwards. “Shut up or I’ll make you an ice crater to leave you in.”

He only grinned, which earned him a dirty look that quickly turned into a matching smile.

Cyrin directed his attention to the space that they’d landed in, the underground half of the Permafrost’s Fall. They’d both done their best to learn about it, and at the very least, they had a decent understanding of all that could be known about it. The fortress and touristic site they’d paid access to was already a masterpiece with its carvings and artwork in the stone walls, and Cyrin had spent some time admiring it while they’d waited for the museum to close at night, but the real treasure was down here, at the bottom of a frozen drop that almost no one ventured into these days.

They’d managed to put together a bit of information about it, from hearing stories, doing their research, and even listening to the audioguide in the fortress above. It was time to find out if five centuries of this location being untouched had erased the depth of the knowledge somewhat.

At first glance, Cyrin decided that what they’d heard before seemed to hold up. The ice walls they had climbed between created a wide hallway with a slight curve to it, so he presumed it would wrap around to form a full circle. There were non-electric Flare lights lining the sides, glowing a blinding white color, so it was nearly as bright as day in a place that had never seen the sunlight. And just through the inner wall of the circular hallway, there was a gallery of the greatest magic artifacts in Aphirah, sitting untouched for centuries.

“There should be a shield door somewhere,” Cyrin said, starting to walk in the direction they were facing, since which way they took didn’t matter.

“That’s what everything said,” Mireya said, following just a step behind. “And there should also be—”

A dark shape slid out of the wall just a few feet ahead of them, and Cyrin stopped so suddenly that Mireya bumped into them. It took a few seconds for him to recover from his surprise.

“Like I was saying,” she said, unusually quiet.

“Right,” Cyrin said, keeping their voice as even as they could. “That would be our Bane.”

The Bane drifted a little closer, having no legs that he could see. It was shadow-like, a deep smoky gray with wisps that he could look through if he tried. The Bane stood upright like a human, and he could easily make out the shape of a torso, arms, a neck and a head, but the resemblance stopped there. Long claws lined the ends of its fingers instead of nails, and it had the face and ears of a jackal. Cyrin was expecting to see a hungry expression, or even a curious one, but it only stared back at them with a neutral mask. Its mouth opened slightly, revealing sharp teeth and fangs, before it turned and floated away behind them, leaving them alone.

He let out a small sigh of relief, and Mireya did the same a moment later.

“So, what we heard is true,” Mireya said, glancing back at it. “They only attack us when we try to leave, and mind their own business until then.”

“Right,” Cyrin confirmed. “We’ll have a little while until we do that—”

The Bane turned around, staring at them with its dark, soulless eyes.

“I mean, we’re not planning to go anywhere,” Cyrin said hurriedly.

Mireya nodded frantically. “We’re staying right here.”

The Bane hovered there for a little longer, continuing to watch the two of them, before the magical Projection turned around again and continued moving away. They waited until it had gone around the curve before relaxing again.

“I don’t like those,” Cyrin said.

“Me neither,” Mireya said. “Hopefully we can fight them off. Do you think you’ve got enough magic for it when the time comes?”

Cyrin took their MagicBox off its spot on their belt and snapped it open. A pure white ball of magic the size of their fist filled the compartment inside, sparking and crackling with power. He closed it back up. “If I’m careful with it.”

“Being careful. Well, that’ll be a challenge for us.”

Cyrin glanced up at the opening they’d climbed through, far overhead. He smiled to himself. “Why don’t we give it a shot for once?”


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Fri Dec 08, 2023 5:24 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, fellow fantasy writer!

You have a very tense opening to what sounds like an elaborate story already. Your descriptions are lovely, and we're already getting some good hints about what these characters, Cyrin and Mireya, are like, as well as what interesting devices exist in this fantasy world.

Likewise, I love seeing an unworldly creature, especially the creepy type, and that Bane was no exception! A sort of humanoid-jackal creature? Well, my initial thoughts went to the Egyptian god Anubis (which is still very cool), but with notes like its dark appearance and creepy claws, it became MUCH more chilling.


Some tension, some casual dialogue, descriptions thorough yet easy to follow, a sampling of magic, and a creature. All perfect elements for the opening of a fantasy story! I did not pick up on any errors, either, and I have no qualms with the structure.

Very nice! :)




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Sat May 13, 2023 11:27 pm
MerleBlackbird wrote a review...



Incredible opening!! I love how you only gradually tell us what's going on, starting with something foreboding and uncertain, then working it up until the reader gradually understands what's going on! This is an excellent mechanism to grab the reader's attention, and it certainly worked on me! Also, the character introduction here works great. I love Cyrin and Mireya's fun, sarcastic interaction--it really works to give the reader a general feel for the characters as well as their relationship.

I only have one little qualm about this exemplary opening chapter: ProNoUNsSSss. I know it's a touchy subject, but let's get down and dirty. Having a they/them can be a lil' confusing in a long literary work, okay? Sometimes I regret having two lead characters that are both guys, just because I feel like I say "he" and "him" until I'm blue in the face and nobody knows who I'm talking about anymore. Not to say you can't pull this off: but go at it cautiously. When you say "they did it," you're going to have to be very unambiguous about whether you're talking about one person or more. So far so good, but still an obstacle. That being said, it is even MORE confusing when said character has multiple pronouns. Maybe this was just a typo (I'm imagining you might have gone back and changed something?) but Cyrin is sometimes referred to as he/him, other times as they/them. It might be wise to let Bae choose a favorite pronoun set (in narration at least) for the sake of the dumb-dumb readers like myself who will surely get confused before too long.

Excellent work! This is a Wow-Za first chapter!!




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Sun Mar 26, 2023 12:37 am
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Stringbean wrote a review...



Hey, Silv, here as promised! You said you want to trim so you don't end up with "the quintessential early 21st century literary work," so that's what I'll try to help with XD

First of all, I love the opening. It blends setting, imagery, situation, and a little intro intro Cyrin's character very nicely and adds some intrigue about what they're up to.

My humble

A rapid and panicked heart was often mentioned too, but theirs had only ever raced with excitement at the thrill, and so they could glance below them without a thought of how high up they were as they clambered down.

To be more concise, a possible revision could be something like:
A panicked heartbeat was often mentioned too, but theirs had only ever raced with excitement.

The looking down, no fear of heights part is kinda implied shortly after~

*commercial break* And with that, I will skip ahead to a chapter with less than seven reviews XD




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Wed Jan 18, 2023 10:40 pm
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foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello! Great title by the way. Soo...
"holding onto rope, halfway down a drop between two walls of ice...."
The beginning was quite suspenseful! Very nice, makes the reader hooked immediately.
"It was shadow like, a deep smoky grey he could not see through if he tried." and
"Its mouth opened slightly, revealing sharp teeth and fangs."
That was cool because it shows like monsters that were made my magic or something, and that automatically lives up to the title.
"'they only attack us until we leave, and they mind their business until then.'" That makes me sort of confused but also makes me actually understand what Banes are exactly. In other words, great job.




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Snoink wrote a review...



Hi! @Shady made your story sound intriguing, so I figured I would take a look. ^_^

I am horribly ill right now, so I am afraid this will be a terrible and possibly incoherent review. Sorry! But I figured that I would join the review day fun, and... sorry... you are my target. XD

Despite that experience, he wouldn’t have minded a gust to blow the hair of his face when he faced downwards.


WAIT. HE IS FACING DOWN??? OMG. Like, is the blood rushing to his head? I would think that would be the case?

“Can’t go faster? I could go at terminal velocity, but not for very long.”



LOL.

“Congratulations, this dare has now upgraded to a couple dare.”


...is that supposed to be a double dare? Or are they a couple? Or am I misunderstanding something? (It is probably the last one, lol.)

The gloves protected their hands from what would have been a horrible rope burn, but they could still feel the heat and friction from their palms moving over the rough surface so rapidly.


At least his hands are finally warm, LOL.

She took a graceful bow, pulling one arm to her chest as she held on with the other— then promptly slipped on the ice when she climbed down.


HA. But she probably deserves it. But HA. XD

touristic site


...there has GOT to be a better word to use than touristic. I am going to get nightmares from seeing that word used in a story. XD

“There should be a shield door somewhere,” Cyrin said, starting to walk in the direction they were facing, since which way they took didn’t matter.

“That’s what everything said,” Mireya said, following just a step behind. “And there should also be—”

A dark shape slid out of the wall just a few feet ahead of them, and Cyrin stopped so suddenly that Mireya bumped into them. It took a few seconds for him to recover from his surprise.

“Like I was saying,” she said, unusually quiet.

“Right,” Cyrin said, keeping their voice as even as they could. “That would be our Bane.”


OMG. I love love love love how Bane is introduced. It sounds terrifying. Though not a problem... YET. Let's see if they have enough magic left by the end. XD

Anyway, I love how your characters work together. The one thing that I would like to know though that I think your characters would have at least a simple understanding of is what sort of price tag they are expecting when they are doing these heists. And also, I want to know if they are the ones coordinating these heists (which is what it sort of sounds like?) or are they being sent on a mission to do this by someone else.

It sounds a bit like they are doing their research independently, finding something to target, and doing this all independently. So this would be a bit of white-collar theft, almost. It also doesn't sound like they are doing this out of desperation... more of the joy of having interesting work. So, in a sense it almost reminds me of the Pink Panther. So that is a bit fun. :)

Anyway! Lovely start! Hopefully this review is coherent? I'll see about the other parts... you have a nice blend of action, dialogue, and pacing so that makes it fun. :)




Shady says...


This development makes my heart happy ^-^



SilverNight says...


Ayyyyy Snoink welcome!

WAIT. HE IS FACING DOWN??? OMG. Like, is the blood rushing to his head? I would think that would be the case?


Oof he's upright and just glancing downwards lol. Also yes that's meant to be double dare XD



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Mon Sep 19, 2022 11:57 pm
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AceassinOfTheMoon wrote a review...



oh hi there~

You've already got a lot of good critiques for this so I'm probably not going to say much, I'm really only doing this because it feels awkward to start reviewing later chapters of something without doing the first one :')

Like almost everyone else has said, the first paragraph is sliiightly awkwardly worded, but it does do a good job of grabbing your attention! I'm usually not a huge fan of stories that start with a character name, but the rest of the paragraph makes it work.

I feel Cyrin about the cold thing, I could never pull off anything like that heist simply because my blood would freeze and cease circulating longgggg before I got on that rope XD

He'd climbed in enough storms before, and he'd learned the hard way how it felt to crash into the side of a building because the rope he was holding on to had started swinging like a pendulum in the wind.


This part of the third paragraph also comes off a little awkward, I feel? "He'd climbed in enough storms before" sounds like a sentence that's been cut off too early, like it should continue with "to know that it was a bad idea" or something like that. You could reword it to something more like "He'd climbed in quite a few storms before, and he'd learned the hard way how it felt to crash into the side of a building."

Ah, pronouns! Always fun to try and establish. As a general rule, even if a character uses two sets of pronouns (such as he/they like Cyrin does here), you only ever use one set in a paragraph and don't alternate between the two from sentence to sentence, otherwise it gets confusing. I also wouldn't recommend alternating between the two every paragraph? Using one set for a while, then switching to another is a good way of establishing that Cyrin uses both, but also doesn't get confusing quickly.
I really like that you're making an effort to use both, though, as a she/they who's repeatedly reminded people that I use both sets and still only get called a she or a they, not both~

Everyone else has mentioned this, but description is a good thing to have and I'd like to know what these people look like.

Along with description, I'd like to see a bit more variety in Cyrin and Mireya's dialogue choices? Right now, they don't have super distinct voices, which I will admit is a little hard to establish quickly but is a good thing to think about.

I love their dynamic, though. Chaos duos are awesome to read.

He blew on his hands, trying to warm them up again after they'd chilled during their short conversation.


This is just a tiny thing, but I thought I'd mention that blowing on your hands while you're wearing gloves does absolutely nothing to warm them up, and even without gloves, does about the same amount of good, so Cyrin is just kind of wasting his breath here XD

They’d managed to put together a bit of information about it, from hearing stories, doing their research, and even listening to the audioguide in the fortress above. It was time to find out if five centuries of this location being untouched had erased the depth of the knowledge somewhat.


Y'all are asking for something to go wrong here XD

The ice walls they had climbed between created a wide hallway with a slight curve to it, so he presumed it would wrap around to form a full circle. There were non-electric Flare lights lining the sides, glowing a blinding white color, so it was nearly as bright as day in a place that had never seen the sunlight.


I very much like the image this creates in my head, but if you think about it for a few minutes, reality sinks in and it's not as nice. Blinding white lights in an ice hallway means that light is going to be reflected off of every available surface, and you have about five seconds before you legitimately go blind XD Darker coloured lights, like black or dark blue, would be a much better and practical choice here, because I assume that the people who built this place enjoy seeing where they're going instead of crying with the pain of how much light is being reflected directly into their retinas.

The banes sound very cool, but I agree with other reviewers that their introduction comes off very exposition-y >.> Cyrin and Mireya directly stating things about the banes does the job of telling the reader what they are, but there's definitely a more natural way you could've worded it.

Absolutely love the bane turning around like "y'all better not leave" at the end there. It may be a terrifying magical entity, but it certainly has a sense of humour.

I want to know more about this MagicBox! What does it look like? What exactly does it do? And by extent, how does magic work in this world if it's stored in boxes? There are questions and I need answers!!

Overall, I really like this, you're doing a good job at keeping my attention with these characters and this plot, and I want to read more!

well, that was longer than I intended! off to review the next parts :)




SilverNight says...


welp, you've found my other works XD

Thanks for the review! You had some good comments, especially on realism (darn science, coming along and ruining the vibe sometimes) that I really appreciate. Glad you'll be reading! <3



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Sun Sep 11, 2022 5:15 pm
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BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, Silver!

I see you've received a few reviews already, but I'm determined to leave a review for everyone who submitted a chapter in the literary section — no exceptions! I have, of course, read those reviews so I don't repeat anything unnecessarily.



The first paragraph may be a bit clunky, as everyone else has said, but it's actually pretty good at doing its job! Starting with a fantasy name could be problematic, but it's easy to read and pronounce in your head, so it's fine. The first sentence is normal, so there's no resistance when reading it, and by the end of the second sentence, we can tell okay, Cyrin's in a bit of a spot. The reader's been informed of Cyrin's immediate situation and is likely at least slightly interested in why he is where he is.

Regarding the second paragraph, it's obviously a subversion of the common trope, but while Cyrin's view makes perfect sense, I think it's worth noting that any daunting task is far less daunting if you're well prepared for it and do the thing habitually.

The third paragraph is where my first critique comes in. I picked up on the use of "they" easily, but reading "he" in the next paragraph confused me a bit. Obviously, by halfway through the chapter, the reader should have figured out Cyrin uses he/they, and alternating pronouns this often is a good way to hammer that point through. But that's exactly it — it feels hammered, not subtle. And until you do realise this, you're left wondering whether you misread or misunderstood, especially once Mireya's introduced and you wonder whether she's the nonbinary character.

On top of that, people think in first person, not third, so there isn't any personal justification for why we'd see he/they be used interchangeably in the same paragraph. I have no problem with alternating the pronouns more frequently, but I think you're overdoing it.

This next point is tangentially related to the above one, since I'm jumping ahead: whatever your reasoning for establishing the pronouns so concretely, you have just as much reason to establish skin colour, yet you don't. I've read both chapters, and since the most we see described about either character is Mireya's hair being blue (which isn't even all that specific), we don't have any idea what they properly look like. That means we're left to assume, and making assumptions about characters is bad for representation of minorities, which I'm guessing is at least partially important to you. Maybe they're both fair-skinned, but maybe they're not. If we're not told and they are actually fair-skinned, that reinforces the assumption that a character is fair-skinned until specified otherwise. You could very well have been unaware of this, so I thought I'd let you know! It's something I feel we all ought to consider.


He’d climbed in enough storms before, and he’d learned the hard way how it felt to crash into the side of a building because the rope he was holding on to had started swinging like a pendulum in the wind.

The simile you wrote here is only half-complete. Something like "started swinging in the wind like a clock's pendulum" works better. You could perhaps argue you were employing metonymy, but that'd be a stretch. ;P

Although, that recommendation would make your sentence a bit too long. I suppose just cutting "in the wind" would leave you with "swinging like a pendulum", which doesn't actually require the clarification. (A pendulum doesn't normally swing in the wind, but if you're not mentioning the wind, that doesn't matter, since you're not saying it anymore.)

“Can’t go faster? I could go at terminal velocity, but not for very long.”

I went down a bit of a rabbithole while looking for old material I'd found on falling distances and stuff, but basically (and this is entirely a nerd ramble), it would take about 2.5 seconds to fall 100 ft, and since it takes about 3 seconds to reach 50% terminal velocity, Cyrin here wouldn't travel at terminal velocity at all. XP

“Congratulations, this dare has now upgraded to a couple dare.”

Did you mean "double" dare?

“That was a great show, and an even better landing,” Cyrin said innocently as they helped her up.

By the way, I've noticed people often specify that a character says something innocently, but if we can tell that they're joking, you don't need to specify that. You can just say Cyrin helped her up.

Mireya shoved him the moment she was on her feet, nearly falling over again when he didn’t budge and she only pushed herself backwards. “Shut up or I’ll make you an ice crater to leave you in.”

He only grinned, which earned him a dirty look that quickly turned into a matching smile.

I agree with the other reviewers here! Good characterisation.

They’d managed to put together a bit of information about it, from hearing stories, doing their research, and even listening to the audioguide in the fortress above. It was time to find out if five centuries of this location being untouched had erased the depth of the knowledge somewhat.

Venturing into a magical location with outdated information is practically begging for something bad to happen. Seriously. XD

The ice walls they had climbed between created a wide hallway with a slight curve to it, so he presumed it would wrap around to form a full circle.

Circles don't really curve only slightly unless they're particularly large. I'm not exactly sure what you mean to say here.

“There should be a shield door somewhere,” Cyrin said, starting to walk in the direction they were facing, since which way they took didn’t matter.



“So, what we heard is true,” Mireya said, glancing back at it. “They only attack us when we try to leave, and mind their own business until then.”

There's a trope on TV Tropes referred to as "As you know, Bob". It refers to a scenario where one person tells another person, Bob, something that Bob already knows. When they're relaying this information, they might as well start with, "As you know, Bob, [insert whatever exposition Bob already knows]". I call an instance of this an as-you-know-Bob-ism (AYKBism).

There are several AYKBisms scattered between the quoted sentences, with both quotes here being AYKBisms themselves. If Cyrin and Mireya are already aware of information, they won't state it out to each other, because people don't actually do that as often in real life as they're made out to in fiction. Having one character be exasperated at being forced into an AYKBism could perhaps alleviate the careful reader's annoyance at the AYKBism, but it's still not really a good alternative to just organically incorporating the information.

Rather than dumping lore through dialogue, try writing the scene normally first, as if the reader already knows the same information as the characters (even though they obviously don't). Once you've established your organic character interactions, you can see what information is still missing from the scene and evaluate whether it's even necessary to provide that to the reader. We can deduce a lot of things from character actions and comments made in passing, so try it out! You might not find it as hard to follow as you initially expected.

“I don’t like those,” Cyrin said.

I do! They're very servant-of-Anubis-like, and I particularly enjoy that they allow you to enter, but not to leave.

“Hopefully we can fight them off. Do you think you’ve got enough magic for it when the time comes?”

Umm. It's a BIT late to wonder that only now. This is probably a segue into featuring the MagicBox, but you can likely do better. One example is to have Mireya express her doubt that they can fight them off and suddenly be very anxious (I don't know whether that'd be in character, of course), which then prompts Cyrin to check the magic and reassure her that they should have enough if they don't mess up.



The review ended up being on the longer side (and there's still a second part! XD DX), but I think it stated mostly new things! Omnom also touched on the expository nature of the dialogue at the end, so that's a good indicator you need to watch out for that in the future. I don't know if you plan on revising this draft if/when you finish it, but even just keeping this in mind when writing the chapters to come will help.

All in all, however, I think you did decently! The story has an interesting premise so far, the characters have started to showcase their personalities, and you've already set up an obstacle for them to overcome. You're on track, so keep at it!

I'll pop over to the next chapter and review it too. I've already read it, so I hope I can get through it a bit faster than I did with this review. XD

~Hunter


PS: I forgot to add this earlier, but I enjoyed how the Bane just turned to look at the pair when they discussed leaving, as if to go, "You were saying?" and when they correct themselves, it leaves, as if to say, "I thought so." I don't know whether it's actually soulless, but it does indirectly have a sense of humour!




SilverNight says...


Thanks so much for the review. I appreciated its thoroughness and you made some great points, especially on where I infodumped a bit and how I could have included more about their appearances (of which skin tone is important). It's been very helpful for helping me know what to focus on next! (And you were right about the couple/double typo- I feel silly for missing that. XD) Thank you again!



BrumalHunter says...


I'm glad it's been of use to you! I try to always be thorough in my reviews, since anything worth doing ought to be done well, and people receive enough superficial reviews as it is.



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Omni wrote a review...



Hey there Silv! You're my first victim LMS work that I'm going to read and review :P you definitely had my interest from how much you actually planned beforehand. You definitely have a larger grasp on your project than I do with mine >.> whoops

If they went numb in this cold, he’d have a hard time using them, and that would be unfortunate when he was holding onto a rope, only halfway down a drop between two walls of ice, and still over a hundred feet from the bottom.


Okay so I see where you were going with this! I just think that this first paragraph is worded a bit awkwardly. Let me see if I can re-word this and see what you think?

If they went numb in this cold, he'd have a hard time using them. That would have been unfortunate, because he was currently grappled onto a rope that was dangling between two gigantic sheets of ice, and all of that was over a hundred feet above the bottom.

This is really me just trying to keep your theme of this style of writing (which is something I used for my beginning as well, kinda, I don't know a word for it xD) but I think that it's structured a bit better to have a bit more irony. Okay, onto the actual rest of this story >.>

Cannot relate to Cyrin, i have huge amounts of fear of heights D:

He’d climbed in enough storms before, and he’d learned the hard way how it felt to crash into the side of a building because the rope he was holding on to had started swinging like a pendulum in the wind. After that, they had started checking the forecast before a job. Despite that experience, he wouldn’t have minded a gust to blow the hair of his face when he faced downwards.


Hmm, I'm not really into this early stream of consciousness so early on. I would love to see more action or more plot for the beginning of this story rather than Cyrin's thoughts because I'm just not that invested as of yet.

I am liking the two's back and forth, but I'm having troubles following the conversation with like the specifics of the dialogue. This probably may be more of a me thing than the actual dialogue but I'm not sure.

“So, what we heard is true,” Mireya said, glancing back at it. “They only attack us when we try to leave, and mind their own business until then.”


I would personally like to see this worded in a way that less feels like info dumping and more natural sounding. Your duo seems to have a lot of fun poking fun at each other and being sarcastic, which I'm missing here. I know that they just saw something potentially deadly, but I still think they would be a little sarcastic or joke-y, right?

Also missing it from this dialogue:

“I don’t like those,” Cyrin said.

“Me neither,” Mireya said. “Hopefully we can fight them off. Do you think you’ve got enough magic for it when the time comes?”


I think it would be more compelling if Mireya was a bit sarcastic here before being serious again. There is a quip right below this, so I think it would make sense for it to be here as well.

--

Okay! So, heist :P but we're starting this heist at the actual heist part and not the planning part. I think that's normal for most heist stories. We get in the middle of a heist in the beginning, but it usually goes wrong to start the inciting incident that requires change. I'm interested to see what if anything goes wrong here. I am also super interested in seeing the next heists in this story.

I think the best part of this chapter part was the dynamic between Cyrin and Mireya. I'm looking forward to seeing more there. The rest of this was pretty standard, and of course I'm looking forward to seeing more of the magic in this world, but there wasn't too much to go off of from this part, so there's not much for me to say. I'll review the next part soon! Gonna beeeee funnnnn, and I hope this part helped ^^




SilverNight says...


Hey Omni! Thank you for the review and the feedback ^^ That all makes sense! I'm glad you liked the dynamic and there will be plenty that goes wrong soon XD



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Sat Sep 10, 2022 1:21 am
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Shady wrote a review...



I saw the mention of reckless behavior in the description and figured this one would be up my alley ;) that and I love you and your writing so figured I'd come to check it out and give you my first RevMo review and also my first review since May so let's jump on in!

What jumped out to me first was how much I enjoyed Cyrin and Mireya's interactions. The banter felt very organic and endeared me to both of them very quickly. They both seem like fun characters and have distinctive, witty voices. I haven't read prose in ages because my brain has vehemently refused to focus on reading stories, but this one drew me in quickly and was engaging to read from start to finish. I definitely think the characterization is a prominent strength of yours c:

Some specific feedback:

If they went numb in this cold, he’d have a hard time using them, and that would be unfortunate when he was holding onto a rope, only halfway down a drop between two walls of ice, and still over a hundred feet from the bottom.


This sets the scene really well and instant intrigue and curiosity as to who Cyrin is and why he is in such a tough spot buuut that's a really unruly sentence that was a bit hard to follow. I'd suggest breaking it up into two or three.

He jolted to a sudden stop, his arms aching from the force of it, before quickly clambering down the last of it and jumping to the ground.


The first "it" here makes sense since 'it' is referring to the sudden stop, but the second 'it' seems to be referring to the rope. And the rope wasn't mentioned in this sentence. So it's confusing to have two 'its' that refer to two different things in the same sentence when one of the things isn't mentioned in this sentence.

Mireya shoved him the moment she was on her feet, nearly falling over again when he didn’t budge and she only pushed herself backwards.


She is adorable

“I mean, we’re not planning to go anywhere,” Cyrin said hurriedly.

Mireya nodded frantically. “We’re staying right here.”


xD okay they are adorable. That's so funny. Like little school kid adventurers that are Very Much Behaving And Not Getting In Trouble Sir. I love it.

Cyrin glanced up at the opening they’d climbed through, far overhead. He smiled to himself. “Why don’t we give it a shot for once?”


Narrator: they were not, in fact, going to be careful.

- - -

Just gonna put an awkward divider here because I am attempting a Review Sandwich so I don't know how to give general critiques rather than specific like above lol but --

I think it'd be a good idea to describe the characters more. I feel like I've got a more-or-less decent mental image of the setting, but the characters are a bit of a ??? in my brain. I originally envisioned Cyrin as a Generic Tall-ish 20-something-year-old Dirty Blond White Guy and Mireya as a Generic Short Petite Similarly-Aged Brunette White Girl. But then you mentioned her blue hair which is a cool detail! Seems to fit what little I know so far about her personality. But made me realize I'm pretty sure all that ^^ was just my own brain making decisions about your characters rather than being informed about what they actually look like. It'd be nice to know what they look like beyond being bundled up and Mireya having blue hair ^^

- - -

Overall, this is an excellent introductory chapter part! Well-done, Silv <3 The characterization was phenomenal as I mentioned earlier on in this review and I already care about both these characters, which is remarkable with how short of a time I've been with them so far. They're very relatable and endearing and I already have no doubt that whatever mess they get themselves into (and I am absolutely certain that a mess is coming probably before the end of this chapter) will be entertaining to watch them get through together. I think you did a pretty good job as well introducing the plot as to why they're there. It's not crystal-clear to me yet, but I don't expect for it to be this short into a novel and you've given me enough that I'm intrigued and enticed to read on, which I would consider a chapter one success. Is this an LMS novel?

Let me know if you've got any questions! Hope this helped at least a little <3

~Shady 8)




SilverNight says...


Thank you Shady! I love this review and I'm so glad you liked the characters :)

Narrator: they were not, in fact, going to be careful.


pffffff HAHA no they will not be XD

Yes, this is for LMS! Thank you so much for the feedback, especially on the lack of appearance description-- I think I have a hard time working it in, especially for the character whose perspective the scene is from? I'm too used to making character sheets where the appearance is a clearly stated part XD And neither of these characters are white or look that way so oops on just leaving the reader to "fill in the blanks" on unknown details, that would be an oversight on my part-- but this is especially insightful for helping me plan what to include in the next chapter they'll be in!

This was very helpful! Thanks so much for your input <3



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Fri Sep 09, 2022 2:15 am
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Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I know I've reviewed some of your poetry before, but I'm not sure if I've ever read your prose! I must say, you do both remarkably well :D I loved the characters you've introduced, and you started right in the action as well, which I thought was great.

I think my favorite part of this was the characters. You did a great job of establishing the dynamic between Cyrin and Mireya. They've definitely got a really entertaining banter already going, and I like how competitive they are while still seeming very amicable. The whole "dare" situation was a great way of introducing their attitudes both towards life and to each other. Mireya definitely seems like the bigger risk taker, but Cyrin definitely seems like they're willing to indulge her sometimes. Already curious how both of them are going to change over the course of the story, both individually and in relation to each other—this story already feels like it'll have some sort of traumatic/absolutely insane things happen in it, and I look forward to seeing the progression! I also might have gone through your LMS thread and I am Very Much Excited to meet some of these other characters as well; I've got faith that they're all going to be so well written and I will absolutely fall in love with them all.

The one thing I did have trouble with was nailing the vibe of the world. You've definitely got fantasy elements in there already, but there were some aspects that felt slightly more modern, like tourists and the whole "MagicBox" definitely seems like a marketed product (unless it's a placeholder for something else). I get that it is still the first part of the first chapter, but it was a little harder to get through because I didn't feel like I was immersed right away, since I spent a bit trying to discern the vibe.

I also just wanted to say how much I enjoy the fact that Cyrin uses both "he" and "they" pronouns—that's not something I've seen in mainstream literature before, and I think it's something that should be done more often, if not to make it more accepted in reality as well.

Overall: nice job!! I think your characters were the standout aspect of this first part of the first chapter, and you've also got a great story building up! Feel free to ask any follow up questions, as I'm happy to answer them! Until next time, and best of luck with LMS!!




SilverNight says...


Thank you so much Plume! I'm really glad you liked the characters :) And good point about the MagicBox- it's not actually a placeholder and is actually meant to be a product, but you're right that it does look a lot like one XD And introducing modern elements does feel a little out of place in a historic building for a setting when it's more clearly fantasy than also sci-fi, I hadn't even noticed that. Thank you tons for that feedback, it's very helpful!! <3




“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
— Emily Dickinson