Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye; an intriguing script titled “The Witches of Flamina” that deserves a good review. So without further ado, let’s begin.
I. First Things First
Very first of all, you've created a compelling fantasy story with just the right elements. Your characters are also just something else, the popular quirky duo, the experienced man (who, by the way despises the little humans due to their mountain of questions), and not to forget the Moonshadow who can shapeshift into an owl.
II. Writing Style & Variety
Your writing style differs between a narrative style and a conversational style. The script is packed with humour and I love that xD, a little fantasy and a little hilarity is the perfect blend for such a story. The dialogues drive the script and absolutely give glimpses into each character's personality.
But just the obvious humour in here...xD
AARON: You two took your time.
LYDIA: And you tried to kill us, everyone did something today!
Not to forget my favourite part where I literally cracked up
LYDIA: Not a Parry Hatter reference!
KURTIS: No! I can’t handle horrible world-building!
III. The Door To Improvement
Sometimes descriptions can do wonders, perhaps try to incorporate more descriptions to make the experience even more incredible. In a script it could definitely work well just as interaction can.
Here's an example of how you could do it:
OCEAN HOTEL - ROOM 206 - DAY
Kurtis and Lydia walk into a well-lit hotel room, decorated in a simple yet comfortable style. Lydia, dressed in casual attire, gives a polite knock on the door.
LYDIA: (casually) Is Aaron here?
The door opens, revealing Melissa, a woman with green eyes and blonde hair that have pink tips.
Melissa smiles, a friendly demeanor apparent as she gestures them inside.
Some interaction between the characters can also help develop the character, their personality, character traits and motives.
You could also consider using short, impactful lines to emphasise the tension, especially when introducing other shadowy characters or *gasps!*-scenes. You could also incorporate certain interactions and sounds to add to the suspense. Putting some lines in italic and dividing big paragraphs into smaller parts could also help.
Here's an before:
They all agree: Kurtis sleeps on one of the beds with Lydia, and Aaron sleeps on the other bed. Melissa goes into her Owl form and sleeps next to Aaron. As Kurtis lay on the floor in a deep slumber, a tiny figure loomed over him examining him and making sure it was the right person. After confirming who it was, they reached their hand out toward him. A surge of energy bounces off from their hands to Kurtis's body. As they watched the power settle, they made sure Kurtis was still asleep. Surprisingly, he was able to doze through it. To Kurtis, this would all seem like some weird dream. After these events, the figure leaves the room through the window and disappears into the night.
And an after:
They all agree: Kurtis sleeps on one of the beds with Lydia, and Aaron sleeps on the other bed. Melissa goes into her Owl form and sleeps next to Aaron.
Eerie sound of small footsteps
As Kurtis lay on the floor in a deep slumber, a tiny figure loomed over him examining him and making sure it was the right person.
Lip-smacking sounds of Kurtis
After the figure confirmed who it was, they reached their hand out toward him.
A surge of energy bounces off from their hands to Kurtis's body
As they watched the power settle, they made sure Kurtis was still asleep. Surprisingly, he was able to doze through it. To Kurtis, this would all seem like some weird dream.
Retreat of the figure, small footsteps echoing
The figure leaves the room through the window and disappears into the night.
But of course, do keep in mind, these are only suggestions with the intention of boosting the script's impact. And the decision of considering them is entirely up to you.
IV. Seek Inspiration Beyond
Feel free to check out This season on Ms. Fowell's School of Witchcraft and Mayhem! by @foxmaster for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!
V. All in All
Everything in all and all in everything, it was a genuine pleasure to dive into this and it was amazing to read. With just a few improvements you could boost the impact of your story, but overall, you've created a wonderful story and I look forward to reading more from you!
That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!
With Rose-tinted regards!
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Reviews: 169
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