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16+ Language

The Witches Of Flamina [Episode Two]

by Sillyguy02


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Episode 2: A Rocky Start

Kurtis and Lydia enter the Ocean Hotel and arrive at room 206. Lydia gently knocks, and an unfamiliar face opens the door. They appear to be a woman with green eyes, complemented by blonde locks that have pink tips.

LYDIA: Excuse me, but is Aaron here?

To their surprise, the woman smiles and nods her head, opening the door for them.

MELISSA: Ah, you must be that magic girl, Aaron, I mean, Milord told me about it!

LYDIA: I would be that magical girl.

Melissa nods.

MELISSA: You don’t look like a girl. No offense, of course.

Melissa says, referring to Kurtis. Kurtis smiles widely at the validation.

LYDIA: Wait, how can we be sure I made that barrier?

KURTIS: I know I didn’t do it, and A-A Ron wouldn’t have either.

LYDIA: Wait, how do you even know who we are? 

Lydia questions, pointing to Melissa.

MELISSA: I was the owl!

The three stand in silence before Kurtis mumbles something.

KURTIS: Are you… sure?

MELISSA: Let me repeat myself. I. Was. The. OWL.

KURTIS: But how… I… whatever.

LYDIA: Nothing’s too far-fetched anymore.

Melissa allows Lydia and Kurtis to enter before shutting the door. Lydia and Kurtis see Aaron on the balcony, reading a book about fish. He turns around to face the two kids.

AARON: You two took your time.

LYDIA: And you tried to kill us, everyone did something today!

AARON: I didn’t try to kill you.

LYDIA: Then what the hell were you doing?!

AARON: Trying to erase your memories. I thought that’d be obvious.

KURTIS: How would we have known that?

Aaron sighs and shakes his head, to which Melissa tries to lighten the mood.

MELISSA: Oh, don’t be so harsh on them, Milord! They’re so cute! And one of them has magic!

Melissa says while squishing their cheeks affectionately. Not the ones down there you weirdos

AARON: Then we can erase the human’s memories and take the magical one, a simple solution.

LYDIA: But I have so much to do here!

AARON: Like what?

LYDIA: Like kicking you where the sun doesn’t shine.

MELISSA: Let’s cool it with the threats. Milord won’t do a thing!

KURTIS: Seriously? The same guy who attacked us an hour ago won’t do a thing?

MELISSA: It’s that time of the month.

Lydia and Kurtis try to stifle their laughter.

AARON: Really funny, Melissa.

Aaron goes to the nightstand and grabs a blue stone, before presenting it to the group.

AARON: Alright, who’s the one with the magic again?

Lydia slowly raises her hand. Aaron approaches her before placing the blue stone on her head. In a matter of seconds, the stone shatters into pieces, surprising Aaron and Melissa.

KURTIS: What does that mean?

MELISSA: It means she’s very powerful!

Cut to Kurtis now sharing an outrageously surprised expression. As one does.

LYDIA: How is that possible? I’ve never used magic until today!

AARON: Something like this doesn’t happen overnight. Does someone in your lineage have these abilities as well?

LYDIA: I have a very boring, very normal family. Not one with magic.

KURTIS: Normal is too generous for them.

LYDIA: Yours aren’t any better though.

AARON: Now's not the time for backstories, even if your parents are related to Satan or whatever. The point is, there are better things to focus on.

KURTIS: Oh yeah! Can you tell us that information we came here for now? That we walked on foot for by the way!

Aaron sighs.

AARON: Fine, a long, long time ago…

Several gods reigned over the domain of magic, each specializing in their field. Seeking to create new life, they all had children with humans.

Those children became known as witches. The witches formed their towns and tribes that went on to be peaceful and prosperous…

Upon seeing a species with more power, the humans sought to reclaim their spot at the top of the food chain. It’s just how their brains work. They see someone rich in power, and seek to destroy them…

It’s no different with gods, as there is only one god of magic now. The one some civilizations called Alethea. She slaughtered the others for their power and is now the Goddess of Magic herself.

KURTIS: That’s… a lot to process at once. Does this also make Lydia a witch?

LYDIA: No, it makes me a triceratops.

KURTIS: Hey!

AARON: From the amount of energy, she seems to be a pureblood.

LYDIA: Not a Parry Hatter reference!

KURTIS: No! I can’t handle horrible world-building!

AARON: Parry Hatter is a disgrace to what every witch stands for, don’t ever mention it ever again!

LYDIA: You must be a Parry Hater then.

AARON: … Have you ever been thrown out a window before?

LYDIA: No, but I bet it’s much better than talking to you.

AARON: Okay, I guess you don’t want to learn how to use magic then.

LYDIA: Ugh, you’re very lucky I still wanna be a witch. Though, I’m heavily reconsidering.

AARON: Just know, like the window, the opportunity is always open.

Kurtis looks out the aforementioned window and sees that it’s pitch black, dimly lit up by the street lamps.

KURTIS: Uh, it’s pretty dark outside right now. Do we have to sleep here tonight?

LYDIA: My parents have already called the police by now, if I come back home they’ll kill me.

KURTIS: My sister is probably so worried… I hope she isn’t mad.

MELISSA: It’d be best that you stay here. If we let you children out now, you could get kidnapped.

LYDIA: Again.

MELISSA: Oh yeah! I forgot we did that!

AARON: I mean, you guys aren’t homeless, right?

LYDIA: Now I think we are, you seem like a man without a house.

KURTIS: We aren’t homeless! I hear the local grocery store has some comfortable benches!

LYDIA: We’d probably be kicked off the bench before we could get comfortable.

KURTIS: Uh, maybe we could make dirt beds?

AARON: Not necessary. I’ll just sleep on the chair.

Aaron says, gesturing to the chair on the balcony.

LYDIA: I know it’s hot during the day, even if it's January, but I think you’d catch a cold or something if you slept out there.

KURTIS: I can sleep on the floor so you don’t get sick!

AARON: Why would you do that?

KURTIS: It’s pretty convenient. I don’t mind doing it. Why not?

LYDIA: You’re back is gonna hurt very bad in the morning, also why does he deserve to sleep in here anyway?

KURTIS: W-Well, he did what he did so that book wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands, right? He was just being cautious. Plus, he is housing us for the night. It’s only fair.

AARON: No it’s not. No one is sleeping on the floor, I won’t allow it.

KURTIS: Then I can bring that chair in and sleep there!

LYDIA: Kurtis, just accept the fact that he is being nice to us and sleep on the freaking bed.

KURTIS: But there’s only two beds and four of us.

MELISSA: I can go into owl form. Sleep on the bed, Kurtis.

KURTIS: … Fine. I’ll accept my fate.

They all agree: Kurtis sleeps on one of the beds with Lydia, and Aaron sleeps on the other bed. Melissa goes into her Owl form and sleeps next to Aaron. As Kurtis lay on the floor in a deep slumber, a tiny figure loomed over him examining him and making sure it was the right person. After confirming who it was, they reached their hand out toward him. A surge of energy bounces off from their hands to Kurtis's body. As they watched the power settle, they made sure Kurtis was still asleep. Surprisingly, he was able to doze through it. To Kurtis, this would all seem like some weird dream. After these events, the figure leaves the room through the window and disappears into the night.

Episode 2. End.

.  . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆


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162 Reviews

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Reviews: 162

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Wed Nov 22, 2023 3:21 pm
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Rose wrote a review...



Greetings!


Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye; an intriguing script titled “The Witches of Flamina” that deserves a good review. So without further ado, let’s begin.

Image

I. First Things First
Very first of all, you've created a compelling fantasy story with just the right elements. Your characters are also just something else, the popular quirky duo, the experienced man (who, by the way despises the little humans due to their mountain of questions), and not to forget the Moonshadow who can shapeshift into an owl.

II. Writing Style & Variety
Your writing style differs between a narrative style and a conversational style. The script is packed with humour and I love that xD, a little fantasy and a little hilarity is the perfect blend for such a story. The dialogues drive the script and absolutely give glimpses into each character's personality.

But just the obvious humour in here...xD

AARON: You two took your time.

LYDIA: And you tried to kill us, everyone did something today!


Not to forget my favourite part where I literally cracked up :D
LYDIA: Not a Parry Hatter reference!

KURTIS: No! I can’t handle horrible world-building!


III. The Door To Improvement
Sometimes descriptions can do wonders, perhaps try to incorporate more descriptions to make the experience even more incredible. In a script it could definitely work well just as interaction can.

Here's an example of how you could do it:
OCEAN HOTEL - ROOM 206 - DAY

Kurtis and Lydia walk into a well-lit hotel room, decorated in a simple yet comfortable style. Lydia, dressed in casual attire, gives a polite knock on the door.

LYDIA: (casually) Is Aaron here?

The door opens, revealing Melissa, a woman with green eyes and blonde hair that have pink tips.

Melissa smiles, a friendly demeanor apparent as she gestures them inside.


Some interaction between the characters can also help develop the character, their personality, character traits and motives.

You could also consider using short, impactful lines to emphasise the tension, especially when introducing other shadowy characters or *gasps!*-scenes. You could also incorporate certain interactions and sounds to add to the suspense. Putting some lines in italic and dividing big paragraphs into smaller parts could also help.

Here's an before:
They all agree: Kurtis sleeps on one of the beds with Lydia, and Aaron sleeps on the other bed. Melissa goes into her Owl form and sleeps next to Aaron. As Kurtis lay on the floor in a deep slumber, a tiny figure loomed over him examining him and making sure it was the right person. After confirming who it was, they reached their hand out toward him. A surge of energy bounces off from their hands to Kurtis's body. As they watched the power settle, they made sure Kurtis was still asleep. Surprisingly, he was able to doze through it. To Kurtis, this would all seem like some weird dream. After these events, the figure leaves the room through the window and disappears into the night.


And an after:
They all agree: Kurtis sleeps on one of the beds with Lydia, and Aaron sleeps on the other bed. Melissa goes into her Owl form and sleeps next to Aaron.

Eerie sound of small footsteps

As Kurtis lay on the floor in a deep slumber, a tiny figure loomed over him examining him and making sure it was the right person.

Lip-smacking sounds of Kurtis

After the figure confirmed who it was, they reached their hand out toward him.

A surge of energy bounces off from their hands to Kurtis's body

As they watched the power settle, they made sure Kurtis was still asleep. Surprisingly, he was able to doze through it. To Kurtis, this would all seem like some weird dream.

Retreat of the figure, small footsteps echoing

The figure leaves the room through the window and disappears into the night.


But of course, do keep in mind, these are only suggestions with the intention of boosting the script's impact. And the decision of considering them is entirely up to you.

IV. Seek Inspiration Beyond
Feel free to check out This season on Ms. Fowell's School of Witchcraft and Mayhem! by @foxmaster for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!

V. All in All
Everything in all and all in everything, it was a genuine pleasure to dive into this and it was amazing to read. With just a few improvements you could boost the impact of your story, but overall, you've created a wonderful story and I look forward to reading more from you!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With Rose-tinted regards!




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909 Reviews

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Reviews: 909

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Wed Nov 22, 2023 2:15 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Let us commence with the S’more

Top Graham Cracker - Lydia and Kurtis trust an adult they’ve never met until one night and learn that magic is, in fact, real. They have no choice but to sleep in the hotel with Aaron and Melissa. Everything will be definitely be fine from here on out…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - When Lydia tells Kurtis that his back will hurt in the morning, the word to use is “your” instead of “you’re”. But that’s only one thing. I’ve done that mistake a few times too.

Chocolate Bar - The Harry Potter parody name is hilarious! I love it! I like how they’re all still mad at Aaron even after learning about the witch history, it’s funny and probably one of my favorite parts in this scene, besides the Harry Potter parody name.

Closing Graham Cracker - They’ve both learned that magic is real, the question is, what will they do now? Will they ever see their parents again? Or is there a quest to embark on? Only the next scene will tell us!

I wish you a lovely day/night!





"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore