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Richard & Rebecca -Prologue-

by SilloriaD


I gathered my focus, my deep-seeded fear shooting through me like fire in the frozen midnight air. I couldn't allow what would come next- not if I could change it. I had to get us far, far away, beyond the reach of Magick-kind and the so-called Angels. They were terrible. All of them. The whole world was horrifying and I couldn't bear it any longer. Everything was coming to a close- our people were finally being exposed for what they were, what they had done, and all they had planned to do. And yet, I could not stand the idea of staying in this place, in this time of such dire circumstances. 

So, I continued to gather my focus. "All it takes is the will," I had been telling him what felt like moments before. The will and the focus to bring it into reality. Anywhere but here, I thought. Anything but here and now... I gripped his hand as if I would never let it go, and I opened my eyes slowly.

And then everything went straight to Hell. 

 Prologue

I was raised with very little knowledge about what we were doing to people, and even less knowledge of why. I had simply accepted that it was how things were, because I was not a curious child to start. My role was mine, and theirs was theirs. Some could argue this to be a very mature thought process for a four year old girl, but it was, in all honesty, the most childish thing I can imagine. It was because of these things that, when I heard the crying and yelling from the servant quarters every night, I simply assumed that's just how it was supposed to be. That's what ignorance does to a child.

I remember quite fondly the day I learned about the acceptance ceremony. I was almost five, and my older brother, Adrian, had been running about the house excitedly, waving around a paper with some messily scrawled words I couldn't read. What I could see, however, was a special seal from the main house of our family. Before I knew it, we were off to visit our relatives. As soon as we arrived at the large house, Adrian was whisked off, leaving mother, father, and I alone in the first hall way. A timid young girl stepped out seemingly from the shadows and smiled softly at us. She apologized promptly. "I'm terribly sorry about all of this ruckus. Adrian will rejoin you all for dinner tonight, but he really must start getting ready for next month's ceremony." Her downcast eyes were a golden brown, glowing faintly as the light from them touch the floor gently. That glow marked her as a hybrid girl, much like any of the other workers in these sorts of houses. We had quite a few ourselves, but most had been left at home. Visiting the main branch of the family meant we had no need for them as we'd be provided with a few once we arrived. This girl didn't seem to be one of the ones designated to Adrian, and she seemed sweet enough. A small flicker of rare curiosity shuddered to life inside me, wondering what kind of animal she was a hybrid of. In her current form, it was impossible to tell. I simply shrugged the silly question away. Some of the ones who had been changed, not born, were very sensitive to that sort of thing. 

Quietly, she asked us to follow her. One at a time, she showed us to our rooms. I would be right across from mother and father, in case they needed to get to me for some reason. "Where will Adrian stay?" I naively asked. The girl shook her head, patting my head softly. I noticed father stiffen when the hybrid touched me, but he remained still. Then they rushed me into my room, my question remaining unanswered.Seeing as I was a small child, I forgot all about being ignored within seconds of seeing the room filled with toys of all shapes and sizes. Sure, as I was the second child of our family line, I wasn't quite the heiress of the house or anything. But, if anything were to happen to Adrian, I would need to take that position. Naturally, this gave me plenty of privileges and such that I wouldn't have received otherwise. As my brother was the heir by blood, it was well known that his future was practically decided already. He was highly educated, extremely sheltered, and was told to do just about everything he did. His future wife had already been picked for him before he was fourteen, and there was no getting any power in the family with him. I, the younger, less-caged child, seemed to be beloved by all of the families of less rank than our father. They showered me with gifts and affection practically from the moment I came to be. Looking back on it, I can see that they were all looking for a way to get into the higher house, and I was an obvious answer.

I suppose to the people in ranks below, I was ten times as important as my brother, even without a direct line to the head of the house. 

That night, my parents and I were led to the dining area by the same hybrid girl. Adrian, my fourteen year-old brother who had been so suddenly ripped away from me, was already at the table. As if at home, I quickly took my place to his left. He seemed high up in the clouds, talking on and on to Mother and Father about everything that had happened since we arrived. I, of course, lost interest almost immediately as my attention was turned to the line of hybrids standing by the back wall. Many of them appeared younger than the rest, clearly ones who had been born into their place. One who seemed just a little older than I caught my attention easiest of them all. His eyes glowed bright blue, with pupils that seemed more oval-shaped than spherical. They varied from moment to moment, sometimes settling on the human-like circle and other times being slits, like a snake's eye. Judging by his clothes, less ragged and torn compared to the others, he had just started working recently.

For whatever reason, this boy kept my attention for quite some time at that house. First, he reappeared at my door as my "escort" a few days later. The yard of the building was rather extensive, and the over protective parents and powers residing in the house felt I needed to have someone around me at all times so I wouldn't get lost. It was rather ridiculous, and it didn't make any sense.  Why my parents refused to raise me like they should have, I'll never know. Perhaps that force that's simply impossible to manipulate had something to do with it, dragging he and I along without a choice or even an inkling of an idea of what was happening to us. 

Now, let me make something quite plain. Just because I reference something like destiny doesn't mean I believe in it. As a matter of fact, I don't think the idea of fate or destiny is even possible. If it did exist, we could sit in our houses and sleep in our beds at night and never do anything. No one would be willing to do anything because of fate; Man-kind and all those among it would become gullible as a whole, and then where would we be? Even if destiny was a possible concept, it would be too dangerous for anyone to believe in it. It would destroy us all. 

When the hybrid boy appeared at my door, we became friends rather quickly. There hadn't been any children who had been hybrids in my own home, so I didn't know how to treat this boy. I suppose I began by treating him as if he were simply another part of Magick-kind and started asking questions. He seemed a little nervous, so I started in easy on him. "What's your name?" I probed the older boy gently. His response came out as a quiet murmur, unintelligible, barely audible. Being the persistent little thing I was, I glared at him and refused to budge from the spot. "If you won't tell me, I'm not gonna move." I threatened. His face gained this immediate look of panic. He began to plead with me. 

"No, please, I'll get in trouble if I don't take you where I'm supposed to! They'll- They'll-" He seemed to choke on his words as my heartless little face kept the same stubborn expression. Finally, after several minutes of his pleading, he gave in. "Ri-richard... that's my name." He stammered out quickly. I smiled a bright grin of victory and patted the boy's shoulder, and we went off on our way. Richard and I made fast friends in that month. He would come get me from my room each day, and we'd walk about the house and cause general mischief- stealing sweets from the kitchen or moving things around whenever no one was looking, just to drive the workers insane. Whenever Mother or Father would try to whisk me off to go do something, I'd drag him along. My parents attempted to discourage this sort of behavior whenever they could, but the relatives which owned the house would laugh at them, telling them that they shouldn't worry about Richard and I being a bother. Clearly that wasn't the concern of my parents, but they listened to the scoldings of their family anyway. Richard and I were left alone.

Flash forward to the day of my brother's induction to the family, and allow me to set the mood of the festivities after the formal ceremony, as it could be hard for those who have never experienced it to imagine other wise. First, the location. We were in a grand ballroom, so large that my eyes could hardly fathom it. All the women were dressed up in what you might assume was their fanciest gown, but was likely only their second or third best. The best of the best clothes were reserved, as I was told, for the ceremonies and parties accepting someone into the main part of the family. While Adrian was being declared officially related to the Benard family, he was not one of them. So, all the women picked out a gown that was just a tier or two below that occasional honor, and all the men put on their suits, and there was a grand party. They had their own orchestra, to top it all off. And, despite the dinner held directly before this party, there was a wide spread of food of all kinds, from all over. The hybrids of the house were even granted a bit more freedom on this night of all nights. Sometimes their owners would bring them out for a dance; sometimes they were given some of the glorious food as a reward for their hard work. For some, the break from their work was reward enough, and those who felt this way tended to relax at the sidelines.

As for me, I was dressed up in a cute little pastel blue dress with short sleeves. My shoes were a deeper, darker blue to match the bow in my hair, which was in it's naturally wavy state cascading down my back. For a five year old, I looked pretty decent. As all young children did, of course, I was quickly drawn to the food, and particularly the cake. If you had stood me next to it, it was easily a few feet taller than I. It was frosted in darker hues of blue and gold,  had more tiers than I had fingers, and, from what I had heard, was chocolate. This, of course made sense- it was all representative of my brother's favorites. All the food laid out was the same way, as well. I didn't mind, naturally. A five year-old doesn't tend to care about that sort of thing. I eagerly went to work at the food before me, piling it onto my plate. Mother and Father were too busy talking to the people around them- likely trying to gain more connections in the higher ranks, though, once again, I wouldn't have understood that at my age. All I cared for was the things in front of me, not what was elsewhere. 

I spotted Richard at the edge of the room, sitting alone on the floor. Quickly I gathered up my food, and I moved hastily over beside him, settling down beside him. He looked the most relaxed I had seen him in the month I had been at the house, and it brought a smile to my face to see him so calm. The skiddish boy I had so often seen among his fellow workers and his superiors had seemingly disappeared. Even at that young age, so early in my life, I wished there was some way he could always be like this. And that wish stuck with me for the next nine years. I've told you before, I've always been a stubborn girl. He smiled weakly at me when I sat beside him, though his eyes seemed to quickly move to my plate, covered in way more sweets than anyone could ever eat alone. I offered him some, but he seemed a little hesitant. "C'mon, it's not gonna eat itself!" I insisted. 

"B-but... won't I get in trouble for this?" He asked, his voice trembling slightly with fear. I laughed and pat his head. The eight year old was shaking nervously, the poor thing. 

"Richard, I promise that if I say it's okay, you won't get in trouble. Besides, I'm the daughter of one of the most powerful families of Magick-kind. I have immunity." With that, I pushed the plate into his hands. Still a little reserved, he picked up the first this that caught his eye and ate it with an animalistic hunger. After he had eaten one thing, the rest simply came naturally to him. It was astounding. I never knew that a humanoid could eat so much! In no time at all, the plate had been emptied, and he let out a content sigh of happiness. There were plenty of odd looks at us, but no one approached. No one dared interfere with the child of such a powerful house, except perhaps my parents, but they had been taken care of by the very people who probably wished I would leave him to sit by himself. It's funny, the way things seem to work out in the world. Once he had a few minutes to let his food settle, I stood up and offered him my hand. "Let's dance!" I insisted. HE shook his head, shrinking into himself. "Well why not?" I demanded, stomping my foot and crossing my arms like the little diva I was. 

"P-pl-please don't be mad, Miss Rebecca! Hybrids aren't allowed to dance with everyone else tonight." He stammered over his words, his usual worried self returning. I sighed and pulled him up off the floor. He struggled against me, but he had become so weak from his work and lack of proper food that I easily overpowered him and dragged him out to dance. The amount of strange looks we received easily doubled, but soon everyone went back to whatever they were doing before. Being part of higher society gave them all a very high sense of self-importance, and the deals they were trying to work through were far more important to them than some silly child having fun. So, I took Richard out onto the floor with everyone else, and we danced. Looking back on it, it was probably the first time in his life he had ever done such a thing, though it certainly wouldn't be the last.

The next day, our family was about to leave the fanciful house of our distant family when I found Richard at my door. "I s'pose this is it, huh?" He sighed. Even within a single month, he had put on a little more weight.I had been good to him when others hadn't, and he benefited from it. I had checked with some of the younger children who were part of the Benard family and they assured me that they would keep him fed for me, and they'd do their best to keep him out of trouble. I smiled at him, knowing his life was going to get a little better now, and I reached up and patted his head for the last time during this visit. 

"I'll be back, Richard. There are a lot of things like this, and we'll be back for the holidays. That's only four months from now. But, you've got to be careful until then. Be good for me, okay?" I kissed his cheek in parting, and then I was off. I would miss him, but a lot of promises had been made in my time there, and I intended to keep every one. After all, when someone is accepted into the family, they're allowed to take one of the servants as their own. So... at that age, all I could do was hope for the best. Years later, I didn't have to hope any more. 

And that is where our story really began. August first, eight forty-eight AM. A young girl received a letter that continued the story barely written at that grand house so many years before. I remember as if it were just yesterday...


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Tue Feb 14, 2017 10:18 pm
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jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimss here

Hey SilloriaD, It's me again. If you don't mind, I'll do a review as a read through your story (in the proper order this time). And let me just say, my bad. I really should have read your earlier works before reviewing Chapter Three.

Ok so LET'S GO!!!

1) Ok, first thing: right off the bat, some of your pronouns got me all confused. Specifically the "we" in "what we were doing to people." Who are we? What is "we" doing? I understand ambiguity can be very useful in a prologue, but make sure you don't miss anything that will be substantial for the story.

2) Building on that, I have a point that may help you fix the above. Maybe. Your call. So, from what I gathered these families have servants called Hybrids and that everyone of good birth looks down on them and treats them horribly. See, the thing is, I had to pick that up via context clues alone. I had not the slightest clue about the relationship of Hybrids to people until later in the prologue. The reason why I say this is because if it not explained properly, the relationship between Rebecca and Richard doesn't have that same effect as it might otherwise. If you set up what Hybrids are a little more, in the beginning, it makes the dynamic between R&R much more impactful.

3) Ok so this is just something that bothered me, so don't give it too much credence. Rebecca has impeccable memory at five. Like almost unbelievably so. I have a good memory, and I still can't remember things that happened when I was five with as much clarity as you are describing here. It kind of messes with the whole story if I'm saying to myself "wow, this five-year-old has got a good memory. I'll have what she's having." Here my suggestion to fix this if you want to. Take out some of the more highly detailed information that's there as just kinda fluff. I know it adds more clarity to the reader in the mind's eye, but no five-year-old would remember that stuff. They would be more focused on the simple things.

3) Another suggestion, don't make her five. Childhood love is sweet and what not, but remembering one boy she met for one month when she was five, it's a little unbelievable. My advice; make her eight and Richard ten. It is still believable, as her brother is still quite a bit older than her, and it would explain her memory recall. Plus romance is not something most five-year-olds understand. Not in a meaningful way at least. Sure, short term stuff, but not over the long haul.

4) Ok, so you keep saying "when I was five" or "I didn't care about these things when I was five," or something along those lines. Now that kind of stuff is alright now and then, but the reader doesn't need a constant reminder. I say cut some of it.

5) So, now we come to a major or minor issue depending on how you look at it. DISCLAIMER: this suggestion is strictly my opinion and should be treated as such. If you don't like it, don't change it.

Phrasing. We got some wording issues. Some of the stuff just doesn't read right. For example "That night, my parents and I were led to the dining area by the same hybrid girl."
Now, this is all fine and dandy, but it sounds better (in context with the rest of the work) when phrased "That night, the same hybrid girl who had shown us in led my parents and I to the dining area" Stuff like that just seems to flow better. Now I could be a real a** and try to find every little example of phrasing that I personally thought was a bit weird, but as this is your work, all I would advise is to go back and try to clean some of the stuff up around the edges.

6) Unnecessary sentences. Like I said in my first review, concise is the goal, clarity is the prize. As I was reading, I felt as if some sentences could have just been cut out without losing the overall meaning.

7) First Person. First person is a tricky thing. On the one hand, you don't want it to read like a narration, and on the other, you don't want to sound overly casual. From first glance, I say your story tends to lean a little in the direction of the first one. Some of the stuff in your work felt as if you were observing it from afar and not from a first person perspective. My tip is to write this story as if you were talking to a friend. Here is an example.

"The next day, our family was about to leave the fanciful house of our distant family when I found Richard at my door."

Now, at first glance, this doesn't seem like a problem. It is purely in first person. But doesn't "sound" that way. Let me rewrite the sentence to show you what I mean.

"The next day, as my family was getting ready to leave the house, Richard came to my door."

It is a minor thing, but it makes the sentence seem much more personal, at least to me.

8 ) The families. You need to clarify how the social order is set up, even if you only briefly mention it. An important point for a prologue is you don't want to write like the reader already knows what is going on. As with the Hybrids, I had to use context clues as to what the relationships of the families are, and I still am unclear as to where Rebecca's family sit on this pecking order. Social relationships are critical to this story, as a lot of the stuff just doesn't make a lot of sense without even the vaguest notion as to what the social structures are.

9) Cut the last paragraph. Add whatever details you think are vital to the next chapter. The end of the penultimate paragraph is the perfecting ending to this prologue.

OK well, now that I am dissecting your work with a chainsaw, some positive notes.

You do good work, my friend. This story is interesting, and the prologue hints at a rich and juicy world that is ready to burst out onto paper. The dynamic between Rebecca and Richard has been really well set up.

I will be reading all of the chapters and offer my opinions (Be careful what you wish for, eh?). I hope that my advice, direct and undiplomatic as it may be, will help you turn this manuscript into something that will make readers never want to put it down.

Warmest regards from the neighborhood jacka**,

Jimss: The worst reviewer. Ever.




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Sun May 29, 2016 4:12 am
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Notrandomatall wrote a review...



I'm appologizing in advance because some of this will seem nitpicky or may just be my own preference. I'm also still figuring out how to work this thing, so wish me luck! I'm going to try to go in order.
First off, I do love your story. Very interesting topic.

In the first line of the prologue you said, "...my deep-seated..." I don't know if you meant "deep-seeded" or if you had intended for it to be "deep-seated." If you did intend for it to be the way you wrote it then sorry, my bad!

"...what would come next..." could be changed to "...what was to come..." But that may, yet again, be personal preference.

"I had to get us far, far away, beyond the reach of Magick-kind and the so-called Angels." Two things:
1.) I'm ninety-three percent sure you could change the comma after 'away' to a semi-colon, but I'm not absolutely certain of the grammatical rules so you may want to triple check that.
2.) I copied that sentence exactly, and I'm only saying this because it's spelled as 'Magic-kind' later in the story. I don't know if the 'k' was an extra or a typo or intended, so I'm pointing it out.

/quote\ "They were all terrible, this whole world that we were a part of was horrifying, and I couldn't bear to remain." /quote\ (It was a quoting attempt. Let's see if it works!)
This is just an optional rewrite, "They were terrible. All of them. The whole world was horrifying and I couldn't bring myself to bear it any longer."

/quote\"Everything was finally coming to a close- our people were finally being exposed for what they were, what they had done, and all they had planned to do."/quote\
You use the word 'finally' twice here. It may be wise to either replace it with another word or remove it entirely. The sentence also seemed kind of long to me. Not quite a run-on, but definitely getting there.
Possible rewrite, "Everything was coming to a close- our people, finally being seen for what they truly are. They will wear the guilt of all they had done, and are to be resented for what they planned to do."

/quote\ "Yet, I still could not stand the idea of staying in this place, in this time of such dire circumstances." /quote\
You could get rid of the 'still' and maybe add an 'And' before the 'yet' at the beginning of the sentence if you want a more medieval rhythm to the wording.
Remove the comma after 'place' and take away the 'in this' and replace it with 'during a'
Possible rewrite, "And yet, I could not stand the idea of staying in this place during a time of such dire circumstance."

/quote\ "So, I continued to gather my focus. "All it takes is the will," I had been telling him what felt like moments before. The will and the focus to bring it into reality. 'Anywhere but here,' I thought silently, 'Anything but here and now...' I gripped his hand tightly, opening my eyes slowly. And then everything went to straight to hell." /quote\

Whew, that was a lot. And a good paragraph as well! Kudos!
Now for the nitpicking...

"So, I continued to gather my focus." Could be simplified to, "I gathered my focus." Unless it related to the story directly surrounding and effecting what I am assuming is a preview of a chapter to come, readers don't need to know that a character is already focusing when in a tough situation. Now, if one's level of focus DOES directly affect the end result of whatever it is they are doing... Well, that's a different story. And one you're writing really well! (Meant to be a compliment, not offensive!) Basically, if knowing the character had been building up a channeling if focus is important and can not be inferred by that point in the story, keep it they way you have it! If not, simplicity may help!

"All it takes is the will," Ooh! I'm excited now! I love this line and in all honesty it's probably one of my favorites from you becaus even now I can't help but wonder how you're going to use this. The only thing I can say is it's typically an author's rule of thumb to start a new paragraph whenever someone speaks. Now, if it's a pun uninterupted continuation of someone who is/was speaking, then you don't need to start a new paragraph. Otherwise, it's helpful for both easy reading and understanding of who said what where and why the heck they did.

"I had been telling him what felt like moments ago." This would be in line with your character speaking. As in, you wouldn't start a new paragraph yet. Could be changed to, "It felt like only moments ago that I (insert action. Example: Whispered in his ear) before (tragic departure. Example: before we hugged good-bye for the last time)."

"The will and the focus to bring it into reality." Squee! Oh, how I love lines like this! (Talking about your writing, not the positioning of this line.) This would be the most logical line to start a new paragraph with. Maybe even keep it as a single line, who knows. We'll have to look at the next line(s).


I don't have italicizes, so I use these: ' when inside "
" 'Anywhere but here,' I thought silently, 'Anything but here and now...' " I'm assuming the second 'anything' was supposed to be 'anywhere' but hey, maybe not. I believe this would be another line following the speech rule, but I'm yet again not ninety-three percent certain.
I don't think you need the word 'silently' after 'thought'. You can only think so loud.

"I gripped his hand tightly, opening my eyes slowly." I love the visualization! *sigh* and now, for the nitpicking. Note how you ended both speech phrases with a word ending with 'ly' and ask yourself, could your story survive without those words used those ways? Now don't get me wrong, I love adjectives as much as the next humanoid! But they can really put a damper on your writing style by causing unnecessary lag on the flow of your writing. Try this, "I gripped his hand(s) as I opened my eyes." You still get the point across, but there's more simplicity. Less obstacles blocking the flow of your amazing writing! Plus, with less adjectives in the way, you can use more of the 'show-not-tell' method to really bring your story to life!

"And then everything went to straight to hell." Little things:
1.) I recommend this being a separate paragraph but that is probably just my style.
2.) I'm assuming the first 'to' is a typo.
3.) Hell should be capitalized seeing as it's a place.
4.) I swear if you don't stop writing lines like this I may never leave your page, so I'll just be sitting here waiting for a story update.
5.) I dislike the number four for some reason, so I'll just put this here as number five.

At this point, I have covered the prologue. This has been part one of a hopefully two-parted comment I will finish later today. Because yes, I worked into the early hours of the A.M.
Hopefully this has helped and will continue to help once I finish the non-prologue part (oh joy!) I really have enjoyed your story and hope you keep writing!




SilloriaD says...


Thank you so much for your review! I greatly appriciate all of the helpful advice here, and I'll definitely look at this when I edit this Prologue. The first chapter will hopefully be going up tonight or tomorrow. There might be quite a few typos, as the friend who is my editor is currently out of town with really bad internet connection. Hopefully, that will be ammended shortly after the initial upload.

Hey, if you keep writing reviews like this, I'll keep writing lines like those, deal? I would love to have you as a regular reader & reviewer!



SilloriaD says...


Also! I don't see anywhere that has Magic-kind instead of Magick-kind. Is there any chance you could point this spot out to me?





I plan to be a regular reader and reviewer of your stories seeing as I love your work!
I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to the second part of the review, my life got very busy very fast, but I will write it ASAP!
Thanks for the chapter update, and I saw 'Magick-kind' in the third line of your story (prologue) two words in.
...is there any chafe you know how to do the quote thing correctly? I still don't know how.



SilloriaD says...


I have absolutely no idea, to be honest. You mentioned seeing "magic-kind" (so without the k) in your review. I didn't see that specifically anywhere, but I'll check again. Due to finals week and stress, I'm a little behind. Nonetheless, Chapter One WILL go up this week. And I don't mind a little delay on the second half of your review- seeing as I'm running behind schedule, I have no room to talk.



SilloriaD says...


Chapter one is uploaded now! I hope to see your thoughts in a review on it soon!



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Sat May 28, 2016 3:39 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Overall, just a very well-written piece. I absolutely loved it! You create such an intriguing world in this prologue that I can't wait to read the rest of it.

This will be my first time trying a more extensive review, so please, bear with me.

His future wife had already been picked for him before he was age fourteen,

"age fourteen" seems very awkard, simply saying that "he was fourteen" would work just as well.
I, the younger, less caged child, seemed to be beloved by all of the families of less rank than our father.

I'm pretty sure "less caged" should be "less-caged," but it was one of only a few proofreading errors I found, so well done there. :)
It was an interesting to note that his clothes appeared newer than that of the others present. So, he had just started working recently.

Again, it seems oddly worded. You could try something like "Judging by his relatively newer clothes, he had just started working recently."
For whatever reason, this boy kept my attention for quite some time at that house. First, he reappeared at my door as my "escort" a few days later. The yard of the building was rather extensive, and the over protective parents and powers residing in the house felt I needed to have someone around me at all times so I wouldn't get lost. It was rather ridiculous, and it didn't make any sense. Why my parents refused to raise me like they should have, I'll never know. Perhaps that force that's simply impossible to manipulate had something to do with it, dragging he and I along without a choice or even an inkling of an idea of what was happening to us.

This whole paragraph seems to bounce between two different main ideas; the boy, and her less-than-perfect upbringing. I feel like her upbringing isn't really necessary here, but maybe later on in the story you could use it.
Now, let me make something quite plain. Just because I reference something like destiny doesn't mean I believe in it. As a matter of fact, I don't think the idea of fate or destiny is even possible. If it did exist, we could sit in our houses and sleep in our beds at night and never do anything. No one would be willing to do anything because of fate; Man-kind and all those among it would become gullible as a whole, and then where would we be? Even if destiny was a possible concept, it would be too dangerous for anyone to believe in it. It would destroy us all.

This whole paragraph seems really random. While it helps her character to know her stance on destiny and fate, it is a very abrupt subject change that might also be more fitting later on in the overall story.
There hadn't been any children who had been hybrids in my own home, so I didn't know how to treat this boy. I suppose I began by treating him as if he were simply another part of Magick-kind, the term used to refer to our people, and started asking questions.

This introduction of the term "Magick-kind" seems awkward, especially "the term used to refer to our people." I like the term itself, just not how it is introduced. Try to find a more natural way to say that she is Magick-kind, and he is not.
Flash forward to the day of my brother's induction to the family, and allow me to set the mood of the festivities after the formal ceremony, as it could be hard for those who have never experienced it to imagine other wise. First, the location. We were in a grand ballroom, so large that my five year-old eyes could hardly fathom it.

This introduction to the ceremony is probably the weakest part of the piece (which, I'll admit, doesn't mean much since this is so well-written). The first sentence is a bit run-on, and the statement of age doesn't seem to fit. The rest of the ceremony is very well-described, it's just this initial bit.
I never knew that a humanoid being could eat so much!

"humanoid being" seems a very removed and odd term to use when describing the hybrid. It infers that he is not human at all.

You are an amazing writer, and I'm very excited to read the rest of the story. Keep writing!




SilloriaD says...


Oh my, thank you so much for your review! That's all very helpful, and I'll be sure to adjust it as soon as I can. You're right about almost everything you said here, and I really can't wait to hear your thoughts on my future work.



SilloriaD says...


Chapter one is finally up! I hope to see your thoughts in a review on it soon!




You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King