***Note: I wrote this for a writing contest and there was a page limit so a lot of things and details are cut out but please give me full feed back! Thanks!
She woke to the sound of screaming. Panic flared inside her heart as she jolted up in bed, praying it was all just a dream. Her window was thrown open, the silky white curtains tickling her face as they blew into her room. A black night gown hung off her shoulders, her pale, nearly colorless gray eyes staring out into the night. Silky black hair bellowed around her shoulders, fanning out behind her as the rising morning sun illuminated her white face. Her red lips were an ‘o’ of surprise, her slip hands clutching the windowsill. Eyes wandered over the town that was ablaze below her, horror settling into her stomach. Screams of her people turned her blood to ice, running through her veins until it reached her heart. She could hear the shouts and cries of the people, begging her to help her, could hear the dying sounds of animals cruelly being slaughtered. Turning, she leapt from her bed, her feet slamming down on the hard wood flood. Rage filled her as she ran for the door, her hand reaching for the handle. In her haste, she tripped over a loose floorboard, falling forward. A scream spilt from her lips as she threw her hand below her, trying to break her fall. Her arm caved from under her and a splintered pain crashed through her body. The door swung open and in the door way stood a young man, his bare chest shinning as the flames grew closer and closer. His breathing was labored, his shaggy black hair messy around his sleepy but alert eyes. He fell to his knees beside her, his hand firm on her shoulder, his mouth close to her ear.
“Kari!” He shouted, shaking her roughly. “We have to get out of here!”
“Graham!” She struggled to stand.
Graham slipped his hands under her arms, lifting her up, trying to ignore the cries of pain that escaped her mouth as he jostled her arm.
“I can walk.” Kari gasped as she swayed on her feet, dizzy with the agony that filled her arm. “Where’s Willis?”
“I got him out.” Graham replied, eyeing her in speculation.
She ran for her nightstand, pulling out a small dagger and a golden locket. Throwing the locket around her neck, she turned back to Graham. “Let’s go.” She nodded.
Together, they ran out of the room, across the hallway and down the stairs. The front door loomed in front of them; an escape from what surely would have been a fiery jail. Kari winced slightly as her bare feet collided with rocks outside the door, clutching her arm to her chest. Graham remained beside her all the way, struggling to shorten his strides so they matched her’s.
“Kari!” Someone shouted for her, his voice fierce with joy.
”Willis!” She cried, joy filling a small space inside her.
She headed for the voice, seeing a dark silhouette outlined against the blaze behind. A dark figure on horseback appeared suddenly, striking Willis down. Kari’s eyes were wide with fear. Her body froze as she skidded to a halt, her labored breathing escaping between her lips.
“Willis.” She whispered.
“No!” Graham raced forward ahead of her, running head-long for the unmoving body that lay before them.
The horsemen turned his steed and rode for her now, flashing past Graham. Graham skidded to a halt, looking between her and Willis.
“Graham!” She yelled, “Make sure he’s okay!”
He opened his mouth to reply, but she never heard him. The pound of horse hooves filled her ears as she turned to run, her feet flying across a pebbled road. She screamed with fear as her feet slid on the rocks, sending her flying sideways. Stars appeared behind her eyelids, tears rolling down her face as the pain consumed her. She lay still, praying to the Gods that this was all just a dream. That she’d wake up and see the smiling face of Willis, her brother, looking down at her. The hooves stopped inches away from her head, the steed snorting and breathing hard. Pebbles around her shifted as the man leaped down from his horse, grabbing her roughly around the waist. Life sprang back deep within her. She kicked and screamed, lashing out with her uninjured arm. He cursed and struggled to hold her, pulling down painfully on her wrist. The anguish sent her to her knees. She knelt there, her dark hair spilling around her face, tears falling against the road. A knife was pressed against her throat and hot breath stirred behind her ear.
“Move and I swear upon the King’s life I will kill you.” He hissed.
She whimpered in acknowledgement, feeling the hard bindings of a coiled rope as he tied her ankles together. He came around form behind her, grabbing her wrists, ignoring her trembling pain, and wrapped the rope tightly around them.
“Kari!!!” She tried to turn her head to see who was screaming for her, to see if her beloved brother was okay, but a harsh blow stopped her.
Kari did not move as he threw her over his horse, the contents of her stomach jumping into her throat. She swallowed down the bile, gasping for air. The saddle jostled as the man mounted his steed, riding down the road, heading for the dark shape of the woods. From a saddle bag, he pulled out an ivory horn. A mockingly-sweet note admitted from it, a type of signal for the other raiders. At first there was silence, then more horns, answering his call. She heard him chuckle slightly and once again felt the bile rise to her throat. A chill settled over her as they entered the tree line, the soft rustle of the wind through the trees filling her ears. She tried to focus on the soft, comforting sound, but each jostle from the horse brought her spinning back to reality. A dark figure darted through the trees, catching her attention. With every step the steed took, the figure drew closer. The horse stopped suddenly, pawing the ground nervously.
“Ahh what is it this time you stupid animal.” He grunted, digging his heels into his horse. “Get on will you? We have a timeline to keep too.”
The horse whined with protest but took a few hesitant steps forward. A dull thump filled the air suddenly as they stopped once more. Kari looked up, her eyes wide as she drank in the sight. An arrow stuck out form her carport’s back, the feathery tail tickling her nose. She sneezed despite herself, watching the blood drip down from the wound. The man’s body slid sideways, off his steed and on to the flood. Hope blossomed inside of her. She wriggled on the horse’s rump, trying to find a way to get down. Finally, she rolled rather ungracefully off the steed, falling beside the dead body of the man. She pushed herself painfully to her knees once more, eyeing the man’s face. He had dark gray hair, his mussels bulging beneath his uniform. Her eyes widened as the symbol on his front caught her attention; a full moon with the dark shadow of a black bird in the center. The King’s emblem? Pounding feet echoed suddenly through the woods, racing for her. A whimper of fear escaped her throat as she sat back down, struggling to find her knife. She pulled it from a pocket hidden beneath her night gown, slashing at the ropes that bound her feet, pain running through her wrist with each jerky movement. A frantic cry escaped her throat as the person came closer. Finally the coil broke, releasing her from its bonds. She jumped up, whipping around; gray eyes locking with mint green ones. The morning sunlight illuminated his silver hair, his tanned fingers locked on the string of a slender black bow. He shouldered the weapon quickly, holding out his hand to her. A quiver of arrows jangled on his back.
“Whoa there.” He said softly, his voice sweet to her ears. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
She held her knife between her two hands, aiming it at him. “How do I know that?”
“My name is Ryan. Now please, let me help you get away from here.”
“Get away?!” She cried. “This is my home! I’m trying to get back!”
Slight frustration flashed behind Ryan’s eyelids. He pointed at the dead body that lay behind her. “See that man? He’s part of a group known as Oblivion. They are the ‘King’s men’” He spat the words with fury. “They have orders to capture all the girls and women in the outskirts.” He jabbed at finger in her direction. “You, if I am not mistaken, are one of those.” He ran a hand through his hair, forcing his voice to be calm. “Come with me, please. I’ll keep you safe.”
Kari stared at his hand, then back down at the body. If he’s right. She thought. Going back would endanger everyone. She lowered her knife resentfully.
“Alright, I’ll come with you.”
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Hi Sillia, here is your review.
I quite liked this; it had action, suspense, and was enjoyable. "She woke to the sound of screaming" was a very good hook.
Where you struggled was with detail. Sometimes you were more focused on her appearance (red lips, white face, etc.) If the contest is big on describing the person; then you can keep it in; otherwise, spend your words on writing the important details; eliminating unnecessary ones.
Something that bothered me about this passage is that she's wearing a night-gown and doesn't even think to get changed into decent clothes. She grabs the locket and the dagger; but she doesn't pack for a trip or grab provisions. Exposure and starvation are significant dangers and even if time is short; someone can be gathering this stuff up before they make a break for it. It doesn't have to be a long sentence; saying that she hurriedly put on some clothes is about all you have to do.
I was also surprised to see her holding a dagger with two hands; the only time you do that is when you're preparing to stab yourself in the chest. Otherwise, you hold the knife in one hand; which is kind of the point of that weapon.
Some of the scenes seemed hurried, but removing or simplifying some of the descriptions would give you more room to flesh those scenes out.
Overall, I liked the story and the action scenes and I look forward to reading more of your works in the future.
Thanks; im going to revise this alot i just wanted feed back on plot line but thank you!
i wrote it for a writing contest so its really confined and everything cuz stupid page limits
I have other works that are way better if you are in want of something to read!
but thank you so much for the review
Thank you!
Sillia
Hello, there! I saw your work in the green room and was so happy to see that it was the first part. Also, I am quite honored to be the first review on this exciting piece of work. Firstly, let's get the nitpicks out of the way (since it's my least favorite part of reviewing).
As much as I loved your detail and fluidity, it was somewhat difficult to keep track of with your formatting. I wasn't too fond of how most of your beautifully detailed paragraphs were crammed together. They were just a tad too long for my liking, so I think it'd be in your best interest just to watch your spacing. I'd say a paragraph should't be more than seven solid lines, and I don't mean sentences.
My second nitpick is your dialogue. Your spelling and grammar are spot on, and I would like to personally applaud your editing skills. Little to no errors gives a really nice sign of maturity in a writer. As for your dialogue, I'm not quite filled in on just exactly what time era this takes place in or what part of the world this is. Though I found your character's speeches to be quite unrealistic. Your main character (don't believe her name was mentioned) seems too calm and collected for the chaotic scene unraveling before her.
It would seem that a girl like herself surrounded by dangers and destruction would be rather frantic, and while that is demonstrated in the detail of her actions (like tripping her own feet and breaking her arm in the process of escaping), her word choices are all but a bit less dramatic than I would've hoped. Same goes for Ryan and Graham.
That's all for my nitpicks fortunately. I found very little wrong with this work and am really hooked on it so far. I cannot wait to see more from you, and just exactly what is going on in this chaotic world war and wonder! Who are these characters? And what's going on with this strange group Oblivion going after the women?
Keep up the awesome work!
Thank you!
I wrote this for a contest so theres alot i need to imporve cuz so much needed to be cut out! But thanks your your comments!!
-Sillia