I lay awake in lucid state
Verging on slumber deep
Waiting for the calls of fate
To watch my crimes of prideful hate
***
I lay awake in exhausted heap
Verging on insomniac
Waiting for falling sleep
To watch my crimes of being late
***
I lay awake to see the sun
Verging on dying gasps
Waiting to have it done
To watch and yet meet none
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! Questio here for a quick review! (Also, welcome to YWS!!!)
Ok, so when I write poetry I love having structure and repetition, so this poem just makes me happy for the patterns and hidden stuff in it. So well done there. I also rarely use punctuation... are you sure you're not just an alternate universe me?
Really I can't offer anything to change, only tell you your strengths. The rhyming scheme was fascinating, and I admit to getting a little distracted looking at it. But that's ok.
The only thing to change would maybe be to add more so we know the "crime." Like, why are they guilty? What did they do to stay up at night?
I loved it. Keep it up!
Stay awesome and PM me with any questions or comments!
~Q
Thanks for the review alternative universe me.
I would go back and add more into the poem about the sort of crime however I don't think I can get myself into the mind set I was in to wright this poem. It will just forever remain a mystery you can ponder over.
All the better for poetry!
Hello Sigyn.I really like this, its nicely emotional and mind opening.
I think line one and five can sound pretty if they can read:-
"In lucid state I lay awake" and "In exhausted heap I lay".
Apart from that minor thought, your poem is good
Thanks for the review. The suggestion you just made was literally how this poem was before but I changed it as a comment suggested it might sound better and I saw how it could. I might consider changing back. We will just have to see.
Hi Sigyn, Felistia here again with a review on your poem.
Firstly congratulations on the new star.
Now on with the review. I really liked your use of words in here like (Verging or lucid) You don't seem to see a lot of these sorts of words often and the ones you chose are very strong and convey a lot of emotion.
I only have on little nit-pick. These two lines (I lay awake in lucid state, I lay awake in exhausted heap) I think would read better if written like this ( (I lay awake in a lucid state, I lay awake in a exhausted heap)
Over all I really liked it and the meaning you chose as the subject in this poem. Well done and I look forward to your next work. Have a great day\night.
Thanks for the tips and review. I just worked out what the star meant so thanks for the congrats.
I took into consideration your nit-pick and it does flow better and matches up more with the last stanza first line more so. Thanks for the helpful pointers.
Thanks for the tips and review. I just worked out what the star meant so thanks for the congrats.
I took into consideration your nit-pick and it does flow better and matches up more with the last stanza first line more so. Thanks for the helpful pointers.