This is a lot like the original version, posted in General Fiction, with some tweaking and edits.
I was listening to Human, by Killer on the radio, and this image formed in my head. And i can't stop thinking about it!!!!! So i wrote this scene based off of the image, and what i could tell about the character.
Enjoy!
....my sign is vital, my hands are cold -- from Are We Human
He listened to the slow beat of his heart rate monitor, his hands icy in the steamy hospital room. The sound indicating each heartbeat were few and far between, growing more and more like flat-lining with every passing second. He was dying. He accepted it quietly, though he knew it wasn’t yet his time. He had chosen this long ago, knowing the consequences it would bring. He just wished he could have made it another month, to turn seventeen.
Through their connection, he felt Rissa’s grief; so intense it was almost pain. He drew up his last reserves of energy to comfort her, soothing her distress as best her could.
Why? She asked him. Silently. Mentally. I am an immortal. You would be fine if it wasn’t for this stupid bond. I’m...killing you. He could hear her uneven breathes, almost as ragged as his own.
I made up my mind long ago, Rissa. It was my choice to make the bond. One life is a small price to pay for the many that would have been taken if I had not chosen such. He thought.
What will I do without you? He watched her bite her lip, her big baby blue eyes filled with tears. How he longed to reach out, to touch her face, to tell her everything was going to be alright.
You’ll survive. You did before I met you.
She began to cry, and he could feel her wet, pulsing tears on his skin as if they were his own. I’ll miss you. It would have been a whisper, had it been spoken aloud.
I know. He thought.
Don’t mourn me, Rissa. Promise me you’ll move on; find another boy.
I promise. But no one can replace you, Dymetry Taylor. No one in eternity. A hint of a smile touched his lips.
I’d like to hear you say that in a thousand years. He teased. She smiled through her tears.
He listened to his monitor for a few more seconds, picturing the line slowly straightening. He felt nothing. The pain medication was too good for that.
Good bye, Rissa. No one in eternity could replace you, either, mortal or no.
“No, Dymetry! You can’t go yet.” She cried a loud. She grasped one of her cold hands in her own warm one.
Hush, Rissa. Good bye.
I love you. He put everything he was into the three words, everything he had become; would ever be.
He took a last breath and closed his eyes. Rissa leaned down, and kissed him for the last time.
On the monitor, the line went flat.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
God is this sad. But good and I felt a connection to the characters which made it so sad so kudos on that one
-Jenn
Wow. This was really good. The others pointed out the mistakes so I'm going to give you one piece of constructive criticism. There is not enough! I really liked this story, and want more. If you ever write background please email me. I love this story and cant wait for more of your work!:)
My eight year old enjoyed this story. Here are her comments.
This was a very touching story. I liked the way Rissa was so kind to the boy when he was dying. When you said 'She grasped one of her cold hands in her own warm one' do you mean 'his cold hand'? This is one of my favourite stories that you have written.
Hello, Sierra.
This is really sad.This was really emotional and I feel like I'm reading the end of a really good novel. I really do wish there was more to this but it is, after all, a short story.
If you weren't already thinking of it, I highly suggest you make this into some type of novel. Describe their background and personalities. Elaborate more on this "bond" they have. I've nothing else to say so just keep writing!
ReisePiecey!
Hi, Pink here!
Oh my lord, I have to say this is such a touching, gripping and painful piece to read. The words just clenched my heart, you did such an amazing job at writing this!
In fact I hate to point this out but you did make a few mistakes that I'd like to address.
I think you might want to rewrite this sentence, did she cry out the 'you can't go yet' part or she just cry out, as in a noise?
I pictured her crying out what she was saying so I'd add a comma instead of the period after the yet and lowercase the She, making it a full sentence. Also, the last part of the sentence didn't make sense to me...
You don't need the comma before and
-Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this. I wonder if you plan on expanding this, I think it might make a good story, a tear jerker anyway. I really wished Rissa's character was explained a little more, as in why it was her fault he was dying or exactly what happened. Don't be afraid to play with ideas and make it longer with a few minor explanations.
Keep writing!
~Pink
Gosh that was so deep and sad i almost cried *teardrop* I swear it sounds like something straight out of a book! Welldone!
Wow this is incredibly interesting! I hadn't been expecting all the torturous sadness of an immortal being in love with a human. It leaves so many questions. What special bond do they have? How did it save others? What kind of creature is she? How did they meet? I feel like this one section isn't enough of a story. There is so much more to it! Maybe even a novel?
I thought your first paragraph was the best. It could be cleaned out in places, but the details are spot on. After that though, your details kind of flat-lined - pun intentional! hehe. For example:
This part really jumped out at me. Not the first part - but the second. It was almost pain? Why almost? If it's almost - then it isn't! And "pain" is such a vague, abstract word. Instead of saying this, why not describe the pain? How does it make her feel? Can you explain it in a metaphor or a simile? Anything that makes it more powerful, stronger.
Same thing goes for the rest of this story. You have so much potentional. Her love is dying! And she's going to live on! FOREVER, even! But when he finally dies, it feels really over dramatic. I liked the bit about him putting all of himself into "I love you" but everything else was just... it lacked the emotion it really needed to be powerful. Focus on how to make the emotions powerful, how you can get across the characters emotions to the reader by showing instead of telling and this will be so much better for it.
Again, though! Very cool concept, you really surprised me and I liked that! Best of luck and PM me if you have questions.
Wonderful piece of work. XD
I just don't understand what he's talking about. Maybe you should write their backgrounds, like, what are they exactly? What bond? And what consequence?
Just make it clear.
But overall, you did well. XD XD XD
-KAT <3
Howdy Sierra! I see you've followed through with some of my suggestions, and I am thoroughly pleased!
Thanks for telling me his age! Last time I read this, I envisioned Dymetry to be an elderly grey-haired man. You called the hospital room "steamy."
You mean, as best he could.
Thanks for clarifying this; it is so much easier to read with the italics, and now I know for sure that Rissa is thinking this to herself.
Even though you are now using italics, you must treat them the same way as you would quotation marks. Use a comma and lowercase the "H" in "he."
The best part about the italics is that they let me know that Dymetry and Rissa have some sort of telekenesis; otherwise, they wouldn't be able to understand each other's thoughts, right? I hope this was the effect you were aiming for, at least.
I hope I'm not too much of a nuisance with my perpetual criticism, but you've definitely improved this short story. Mighty job!