You use rhyme well here. There's plenty of it. Your use of rhyme gives it a musical feel and with something so dark it becomes strange. Just a note.
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Her emotions brimmed at her eyes
She blinked them away, burying them deep inside
-
Hoping they would go away if just ignored
She stuffed her feelings in a closet and barricaded the door
-
But inside they ate her bite by bite
With every strangled laugh and smile pinched tight
-
They devoured all, til there was nothing left
Just a hollow shell of the girl she'd once been
-
She tossed and turned lying awake all night
Stuck in a dark tunnel with no end in sight
-
Still pictures of her covered every wall
Of a smiling girl, buried in the leaves of fall
-
Of a perky ponytail, a soccer ball underfoot
Someone she no longer recognized or even understood
-
Numb, she searched everywhere, longing to feel
Life became a nightmare she prayed wasn't real
-
Like pinching yourself while lost deep in dreamland
She chose to wake up, rather than sink in the quicksand
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She relished the cold as she curled her fingers
Holding the gun, letting the feeling linger
-
Her emotions finally did pour out, but this time red
Not from her eyes, but a small hole in her head
You use rhyme well here. There's plenty of it. Your use of rhyme gives it a musical feel and with something so dark it becomes strange. Just a note.
My first thought when I started reading this was that it was rhyming, which is always a challenge to figure out what words rhyme with others. I of course noticed that it was about depression and suicide, which is something that normally is hard to come up with something that is not the same as other things. This poem stood out to me, though. I really love each and every word, because it just seems new and original. The description of how she feels is extremely realistic to how it feels in real life. I like this a lot.
Thank you for writing this,
Krissy
Hello! here to review your poem!
I just want to say first about your hook, it's really great. It kept me reading from the very end. Along with the words you use really helps the visual aspect of the poem.
I like that this poem can be used for many problems in people's lives, which makes the poem reusable for anyone. I get that the girl is depressed, her life is empty and getting more drained by the second. So really great job!
A hoy hoy,
Before I say anything I just want to tell you that those last two stanzas were powerful and I love them.
Apart from that I really have only one or two other comments which nagged at me while I read this and kind of disrupted my enjoyment of the poem.
First, if your going to have a rhyming scheme I think you should have used it for the entire poem. Especially in the line;
“They devoured all, til there was nothing left
Just a hollow shell of the girl she’d once been”
This might just be me, (since I know nothing about writing poetry), but the absence of a rhyme here made the two verses feel quite jarring and out of place with the rest of the poem. There were also a few other cases when the words were more of close to rhyming rather than actually sounding the same but I can understand your choices and I would be lying if I said I didn’t do the same when it comes to poetry.
Second, I’m just going to reiterate what a few people before me have also pointed out.
The line;
“She decided to wake herself up, instead of sinking into the quicksand”
Is too long. Unlike others I’m fine with the length of the other verses as I thought it gave the poem its own unique flow but this line is stretching it. I suggest rewording it to something like this as an example;
“She would wake herself up, instead of drowning deeper in quicksand”
I think that works. I don’t know. I just like alliteration.
Anyway, that’s it from me and I’m sorry if my comments haven’t been any help at all.
Have a nice day!
- H.G
Hey there! Nyk here with a review. I don't actually review too many reviews, but I figured why not!
I'd figure I'd start this off by saying that I liked your poem overall! It had a really strong emotional pull, and it's hard to find that in a lot of poems. But onto the nitty-gritty, here.
First off, I would like to say that the breaks between the paragraphs/stanzas kinda throws me off, I'm not gonna lie. It's just that it really breaks the flow between the lines. I just found myself pausing between two lines that were one thought, if that makes sense.
"Her emotions brimmed at her eyes
She blinked them away, burying them deep inside"
I feel like the second line could use a transitional word, but that may just be a personal opinion.
"She tossed and turned lying awake all night
Stuck in a dark tunnel with no end in sight"
With the first line, I think a comma after the word "turned" would make it flow a bit better.
"Still pictures of her covered every wall
Of a smiling girl, buried in the leaves of fall"
Again, a comma after the word "Still" might help here, depending on how you want it to read. I read it and thought it needed one, but I read it without, and it does work that way. The way you, as the author, wants it to read could easily misread just by this comma, so that's the only reason I bring it up.
I think that's all I have to say about this one aside from the fact that I really did enjoy reading this. I know it's sad, but poetry usually stems from a really sad place, so I hope all is well in your life.
That's all for now!
-Nyk
Beautiful poem. There is so much I love about the wording and the imagery stands out so much -- we get a good image of the speaker without ever having to learn her name or anything much about her physical appearance.
In terms of stylistic choices, I like that you opted not to use any punctuation; I feel like this keeps very well in line with the tone/overarching theme of the poem. Each line feels like a continuation onto the next thought -- the speaker's thoughts are just one long string of suffering rather than clean, clear-cut trains of thought. Whether or not this was intentional, I don't know, but regardless, it was a smart thing to.
The main suggestion I have is to vary the length of your sentences. This actually reads like more of a short story of sorts than a poem; this is because all of the lines provide a lot of information and form complete images for the readers to understand. Perhaps cutting your lines shorter and adding more stanzas would help it read more like a dramatic poem; the way it is now works, but as @chris Dixon wrote, it's not typical of poems to give lots of information into one particular line.
All in all, though, this was a wonderful poem to read, and you have a mastery over evoking emotion from your reader -- at least, I can say that you accomplished this with me.
Write on! <3
Hi Siena! I am here to review your work. But before that i want to say that this work is beautiful. And feel like this some time too.
Review:
Mostly in poetry you don't put that much info in one line. I suggest you should fix the arrangement.
For example :'She decided to wake herself up, instead of sinking into the quicksand'
To: 'She decided to wake herself up,
instead of sinking into the quicksand'
I should fix this part:'Then her emotions finally did pour out, but this time red
And not from her eyes, but a small hole in her head'
To: Then her emotions did finally pour out,
But this time red
Not from her eyes,
From a small hole in her head'
In poetry its not right to write to much conjunctions in one stanza. So it's easy to read.
Thank you
Keep writing
>Chris Dixon
This is somewhat depressing, though very well written. Also, I hope everyone that reads this will recognize that every word of this is true, especially in the case of sinning. If you simply lock up your sins in a dark corner of your soul, then they will never get expressed or confessed. If that happens, then instead of the sins being locked up, they will be ever nearer to your soul, eating you and devouring you, and you don't even know it until it is too late, and you think that no one will forgive you.
Very Well Written, thank you.
Points: 625
Reviews: 286
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