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18+ Violence Mature Content

Gonna love me

by SidPorter1


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

How are you gonna love me and not leave me

How are you gonna love me and not hit me

How you gonna hold me when it's not the body you want

How are you gonna love me if you don't sleep with me

I have met a whole ton of men all of them who want the same thing

A whole bunch of penises who love my body

After one trip they take my body as nothing

I have been running after love that experience is fleeting

Am up for wanderlust and days spent downing lots of shots

Up in a new party to chase my sexual compulsion

I feel as if my walls are enclosing

But the pleasurable life is addicting

Am on a downward spiral but I float with denial

It all started when I was eleven

Conjugal visits from my father that were so forbidden

Late at night the visits were meant to be hidden

Daddy used to be so loving

Mama was never around and I was the only one

So daddy used me to blow his trombone

I practiced several things on my own

One of them was how to hold it in

The pain I was getting

Emotionally and physically I'll play numb to it

While he comes home dead drunk in the middle of the night

And he does things that ain't right and he warns me

And so I ain't telling

Especially the time he belts my back while he hits it from the back

It kind of turns to a pleasurable pain

So I'm sitting ten years from now with a series of some one night stands

With some welts close to the scars on my back reminds me of what my daddy gave me

And a tear runs down my eyes

How could you love me and still not use me

How could you hold me and not want my body

How could stare at me so love filled when you should be disgusted


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Mon Nov 04, 2019 6:09 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there SidPorter1! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this is a very heavy poem about someone who struggles with accepting love after a traumatic past. There's some strong lines like "up for wanderlust and days downing lots of shots", "conjugal visits from my father" and "I practiced several things on my own/One of them was how to hold it in". I also like how in the end, it cycles back to the "you" mentioned in the beginning, where the speaker wonders how anyone could love her, like she is the one who is disgusting even though she was a victim.

That said, I think the poem could use a little more structure. The lack of stanzas makes it hard to read, but it's possible the YWS formatting messed those up. Check here for some solutions: How to Format Poetry.

I'd also consider adding punctuation. In my experience, though poems can and often do deviate from standard grammatical rules, that can often affect the readability of a piece. Especially with a more narrative piece like this, I think having more standard grammar helps the reader focus on the words rather than wondering if there should be a period in there. Punctuation in Poetry This is a great article about the different styles of poetry punctuation and the pros and cons of each.

So daddy used me to blow his trombone



The metaphor here is weirdly humorous given the context. Honestly, I don't think this line is needed, as the rest of the poem makes it clear what is happening.

And so I ain't telling
Especially the time he belts my back while he hits it from the back



This line is a bit clunky. I would reword it as "And so I ain't telling/about the times he belts me from behind" or something like that.

There's also some tense switching in the middle. At first the speaker is talking about their father's abuse in the past tense, but then it switches to present tense at "When he comes home dead drunk...". I would keep it all in the past tense to make it clearer what's happening now versus what happened in the past.

So I'm sitting ten years from now with a series of some one night stands

With some welts close to the scars on my back reminds me of what my daddy gave me


These lines have the potential to be really powerful with some cleaning up. It sound like it's talking about metaphorical scars here that are just as painful as the old physical ones. Here's what I propose:

So ten years later, I collect one night stands
that scar me like the welts my daddy gave me.

This makes the lines more concise and the use of verbs makes it more powerful.

Overall, I think this poem has a strong narrative, and I think with some cleaning up and structure it could be even better. Keep writing!



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SidPorter1 says...


I am a starting writer and I'm starting with poems before I start with novels and then I'll write scripts for my short films. This is very helpful and I'm grateful.



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Sun Nov 03, 2019 8:58 pm
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KatjaDawn says...



Hi SidPorter1,

I'm not sure if this is something you are expressing from your life, or if it is a depiction, but I feel compelled to reach out....

I wanted to say, it is very common for people who were assaulted sexually as children to normalize and almost become addicted to sex. It may even feel like to them, that they are being shown "love", a concept you hint towards in this poem.

It can be very hard to break this cycle of sexual compulsion.... It doesn't make the void that the abuse created go away, if anything it only gets worse. If this is something you are going through please consider reaching out to someone who you are close to or a resource for abused people. Counseling, Therapy, and a support system are very helpful and can help you heal. Another thing is considering going to the police... It differs by state but typically sex abuse crimes (especially those that occurred under 18) can be reported for many years to come, and this can be searched to check for your state's specific laws.

Love is more than sex. Someone who has gone through what you write about in this poem is NOT disgusting and they should NEVER feel this way about themselves. My heart hurts so much reading this poem. My heart goes out to you if this is you telling your story.... If it is a depiction, it is very realistic and breaks my heart... Poetry can be a great tool for healing as well. I can't consider this a review since I'm more concerned about you as a person. Just know there are resources available to people who have suffered sexual abuse and even though there are a lot of crappy people out there, there are also a lot of good people out there. That being said, I hope you are okay and I pray you are safe.




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Sun Nov 03, 2019 8:11 pm
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parachutes wrote a review...



Good afternoon, parachutes here. I read your poem, and it was really hard to read. The details are really REALLY graphic, but I feel that they add to the vibe of the piece. It’s hard to read. I really hope this isn’t a true thing.......if it is and you have/are suffering from sexual abuse, please, I beg you, to seek help from authorities.

Anyways. The last line in this piece is very impactful. It closes the poem really well. The poem doesn’t rhyme, but it still has a even flow.

Have a great day,

parachutes.



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SidPorter1 says...


I wanted to write something about how repeated abuse makes the victim normalize behaviours presented to them. It goes way beyond sexual abuse victims




You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon