Hi there SidPorter1! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, this is a very heavy poem about someone who struggles with accepting love after a traumatic past. There's some strong lines like "up for wanderlust and days downing lots of shots", "conjugal visits from my father" and "I practiced several things on my own/One of them was how to hold it in". I also like how in the end, it cycles back to the "you" mentioned in the beginning, where the speaker wonders how anyone could love her, like she is the one who is disgusting even though she was a victim.
That said, I think the poem could use a little more structure. The lack of stanzas makes it hard to read, but it's possible the YWS formatting messed those up. Check here for some solutions: How to Format Poetry.
I'd also consider adding punctuation. In my experience, though poems can and often do deviate from standard grammatical rules, that can often affect the readability of a piece. Especially with a more narrative piece like this, I think having more standard grammar helps the reader focus on the words rather than wondering if there should be a period in there. Punctuation in Poetry This is a great article about the different styles of poetry punctuation and the pros and cons of each.
So daddy used me to blow his trombone
The metaphor here is weirdly humorous given the context. Honestly, I don't think this line is needed, as the rest of the poem makes it clear what is happening.
And so I ain't telling
Especially the time he belts my back while he hits it from the back
This line is a bit clunky. I would reword it as "And so I ain't telling/about the times he belts me from behind" or something like that.
There's also some tense switching in the middle. At first the speaker is talking about their father's abuse in the past tense, but then it switches to present tense at "When he comes home dead drunk...". I would keep it all in the past tense to make it clearer what's happening now versus what happened in the past.
So I'm sitting ten years from now with a series of some one night stands
With some welts close to the scars on my back reminds me of what my daddy gave me
These lines have the potential to be really powerful with some cleaning up. It sound like it's talking about metaphorical scars here that are just as painful as the old physical ones. Here's what I propose:
So ten years later, I collect one night stands
that scar me like the welts my daddy gave me.
This makes the lines more concise and the use of verbs makes it more powerful.
Overall, I think this poem has a strong narrative, and I think with some cleaning up and structure it could be even better. Keep writing!
Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274
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