Quest Unable Chapter One (Rough Draft)

Well, this isn't a review but I loved your writing style in the first two paragraphs. It reminded me a little of Holden Caulfield, which, I assure you, is a good thing.

Eeeks. Late reply. I'm assuming you didn't get my PM, but that's alright. I'll knock this out.

So... Like HighTop, this isn't my usual humor, but I did see where others would think this is funny. I'm jealous. Funny doesn't come very natural to me.

I also think this could have more humor potential if you took out the time lapses. Prince Es was funny but blue balls not so much because they wouldn't have said it like that in the olden days. There have been some well done comedies where authors use modern terms in historical settings but I don't think you're quite there yet.

And... I'm a rather innocent soul, so this is probably just me, but this bit:

A bubbling sound from a pipe.

Tugurls chokes through his next sentence.

To... ungk, to... ungk, save the world or something. Let's get started; shall we?

Sorry for the late reply, but I'm here as requested!

This was sort of funny, but unfortunately it wasn't my sort of humor, which is not a bad thing. We can't please everyone!

I'm going to start with some nit-picks.

A bubbling sound from a pipe.

The three herpes, oops typo, the three heroes

His body language was that of a child whom had just had his hand caught in the tuna jar.

I was requested to review (albeit I'm late) and here I am!

Ok this was very...errr....disturbing in a humorous fashion. The bad thing is, is that I am reading this in school so I can imagine the looks I was making trying not to laugh. I was confused greatly when they were doing the Prince Es part. I was staring at it a bit before I realized the joke.

Hot Karl doesn't sound all that smart and makes bad jokes at bad times.

Good Job on this!

~lost

I prefer to put my thoughts into a piece as I read it. All edits or comments will be inside brackets. A [x] means I deleted something. If a sentence starts with a [?] it means I have a question at the end.
This review is just my opinion. If you don't like what I have to say, you don't have to take any of my suggestions.



Quest Unable

“La dee dah dee. Drinky drinky, smokey smokey. Let's find a girl that I can poke-.”

Oh, hello there. I wasn't aware I had company.

Why are you staring at me like that? Oh, my apologies. [x] I haven't [x] introduced myself[x][.] My name is Tugurls Von Cuppe, bard extraordinaire. Now, I'm assuming that the misconstrued scowl on your face tells me that you're a tad indifferent of my presence. Well, seeing [as] you're the one who recklessly sat [alongside] myself[x] in this fine drinking establishment[,] you are in no mood for conversation. Well then, luck may be on your side. You don't have to say a word. You can sit there quietly[x] drinking all the ale you can handle[x] as I, Tugurls Von Cuppe[, bard extraordinaire] will do all the talking. [this confuses me some. Because I sat next to the bard, I'm not in the mood for conversation?]

[I'll let you in on a secret first.] I [haven't told anyone this story yet] and[,] as a bard, storytelling is my craft[.] I have to hone it to perfection [before I present it to a real audience. [x]Practice makes perfect[x] so this is, shall we say, a practice run. So tune your ears and open your gullet. Prepare yourself for a tale and some ale, as we begin our journey with three young warriors on their epic quest to... Hold on a moment.

[not sure how I feel about that whole entry being about how we are his first audience. It seems a little pointless, though it does add character.]

A bubbling sound from a pipe.

Tugurls chokes through his next sentence.

To... ungk, to... ungk, save the world or something. Let's get started; shall we?

***

This tale starts with three cunning heroes who travel to a realm to the west, ruled by King Key. King Key [had] sent out a distress call[ with] a healthy reward [tacked onto the deal]. The message was [x] vague but read urgent. [tell us what the message was]

[x] [I would move all of that exposition to a place where you can make it into a scene. Don't tell us he's rich and has a fancy castle right now -- right now, we're concerned about what's happening. Tell us all the details later. Give us the characters now.]

The heroes Hot Karl, “Dirty” Sanchez, and Felch[x] stand in front of the gigantic castle, gawking at the [King's impressive castle]. [Here you can put in description for his castle.]

Hot Karl is by far the most intimidating one of the group[x]. He's bigger and [x] stronger than the rest. His personality, on the other hand, is [more similar to a drunk female hog (or insert your own animal you'd liken him to)]. ]Not] too bright, and [x] loud and obnoxious. [But he is] actually quite handsome, and he knows it. [x] [They say he] once courted a blind woman by allowing her to feel his face. [x] [I would cut that out. The image of a blind woman falling in love just because his face just FEELS beautiful is a pretty humorous one. The extra info on the story bogs things down]

[x] [You've already told us he's handsome and he knows it.]

[x] [Tell us about his weapon when it becomes relevant.]

[Next in line is] Sanchez, A.K.A. Dirty, A.K.A. Enrique Javier Cesar Martinez Edwardo Emanuel DeLeon Sanchez the fourth[. He's a] slender, disheveled, quiet man. You would almost never see him inside the fray of a battle. [x] [He's] stealthy[,] and his weapon enables him to inflict heavy damage from a distance. He uses[x] the feared by all[x] finger guns. [A very powerful weapon right there, my friend]. [As powerful and feared as it is, of course,] it does come with a few drawbacks. For one,[x] [picking] your nose [is a very treacherous task]. [x] He has to make his own sound effects when every he shoots and[,] [worst of all,] it's difficult to get intimate with the ladies.

[He's] running from the law because of an incident he had when he was in [?]high school. [high school? There's a King but high schools are around?] He [x] got to third base with a girl [and] he left with a bounty on his head for murder... and blue balls.
[I'm not sure if you should keep that bit. You can make it relevant later, if it's relevant at all. I think you're already spending way too much time telling us about your characters. I think you should just show us the situation and fill us in as the information becomes necessary.]

Last but not least, we have Felch. [Professional stereotypical nerd]. He [would be] the brains of the group [except that everything he says is] usually wrong[.] [Even so,] [he's] still smarter than the other two idiots. Being the best of the worst is still being the best after all[, right?] His weapon of choice is... a purse. [x] It's actually what is in the purse [that's] dangerous. Felch is a magic user[x] [and] his purse, ([or] “The Bag of Doom” [as he calls it]), is a magic purse. The inside is basically a [portal in which he can store all the junk he could possible desire.]

[More exposition? You really just need to get into the story!]

Felch is [is] a romantic. [x]Completely enamored with any woman who gives him any kind of attention[,] he once fell in love with a store clerk because she gave him a ten percent discount [x] [(]the sign that read “10% discount on every purchase[x]!" didn't come into consideration[)]. His bleeding heart has gotten him into trouble more than once. His last love of his life[x] was a witch. She put quite a few curses on Felch, even he doesn't know the extent of what she did to him.

[I think you need to cut a lot of this stuff. Your start with the bard was hugely entertaining, but now you've weighed the story down with exposition. It's funny and sharp, but it isn't doing so great right here.]

Now that we've met our heroes, let's get back to the adventure. The three herpes, oops typo, the three heroes [ha!] made their way to King Key's castle and [requested] a session with the king.

“I've summoned you all here because there is a grave emergency and I need your help.” King Key declare[d].

“What's the emergency?” Hot Karl replied.

King Key looked down at the floor and lets out a sigh. “It's my son, Prince Es. He [has gone] missing.”

“Wait, what?” Hot Karl said in surprise. “Your son is a princess?”

“No, that's not what I said. [I said] my son is missing.” [x]

“[Wait], who's your son?” Hot Karl said[x].

“Prince Es[,]” [t]he king [repeated]. [it was only at this point that I got the joke. It seems kind of forced.]

“Whoa, hold on a minute. I think I got this now. Your son, the princess is missing. Alright, so what do you want us to do?” [x]

“Well, obviously I want you to find him[x][!]” [King Key snapped.]

“Sounds easy enough[, Hot Karl said.] What does she look like?” [x]

[x] “He's not a she, damnit[!][x]"

Hot Karl stared blankly at King Key for a few seconds and blinked twice. “So... she look[s] like a man?”

“Yes she, I mean, he[, I mean...] [what is] wrong with you? ” [x]

Faint footsteps were heard down a corridor[x] A maid [barged] through the door. [Gaspong for] breath, the maid yelled out, “King Key, King Key! We've found your son!”

“Oh good, you found the princess[,] Hot Karl [said].

["Oh thank goodness!" King Key said.] [x] "Where is he?”

“Sire, I'm[..." The maid hesitated, still trying to catch her breath. "I'm] afraid [x] Prince Es is... [h]e's dead[, sire.]”

“Well, that was easy.[" Felch chimed in. "]When do we get paid?” [x]

[I don't know how I feel about these guys being so passive towards the news. I'm a pretty serious person though, so it may just be me, but it's actually getting irritating.]

King Key [shook his head.] “I don't understand. How could this be? What happened?”

“Well sir, we[... we] found him in the closet.” [x] [You don't have to use a tag for every line of dialogue]

“Poor bastard[," Hot Karl murmured. "]He died before he even had a chance to come out of the closet.” [x]

“Watch your tongue!” King Key snapped[x].

“What? I'm just saying. It's pretty obvious. His name was princess after all.” [x]

King Key turned back to the maid. “How did this happen? How did he die?”[x]

“Well sir, from the looks of it your son was into auto-erotic asphyxiation[,]” [t]he maid said.[I moved this line of dialogue.] “I found him hanging in the closet with his pants around his ankles.”

Hot Karl looked around confused. “So... he overdosed on Viagra?”

“No you idiot[," Sanchez interjected. "]That's erectile dysfunction.”[x]

“Oh, then what's the thing that she said?” Hot Karl said[x].

Dirty Sanchez grumbled, “t’s where you choke yourself to the point of passing out right before you climax.”

“Oh… so he was trying to choke the chicken but the chicken won.” Hot Karl said amused at himself.
[x]

“Insert David Karadine Joke here.” Felch snickered.

“Okay, um...” Hot Karl [m]uttered[x].

“You're not supposed to say a joke[," Felch grumbled.] [That was the joke].”[x]

“No wait[,] I got one!” Hot Karl said excitedly. “I guess he really did have a Kung Fu grip.”

Felch [sighed.] “You're an idiot.”

Hot Karl [grinned]. “And this is what happens when a ninja tries to masturbate.”

“Okay, we get it[,]” Felch[x].

“Enough!” King Key belted out[x].

With his head down, Hot Karl murmur[x], “I thought it was funny, you don't have to yell at me.” [He looked like a child caught stealing from the tuna jar.]

King Key took a deep breath[x]. He looked to the heroes and [said], “Well. Since my son was...” He [paused]. “Found. [Since my son was found,] I do not require your assistance any longer.”

“That was easy[," Hot Carl said. "]See ya!” [x]

“[But] there is something else[!]” King Key spurted out before the heroes could leave. “It is significantly less important, but I will still pay you a hefty reward. In the forest to the north, there is a demon king named Vajayjay. He has stolen something very dear to me. It may be a very dangerous journey, but if you retrieve my property, I will reward you.”

“Well, we are already here[,]” Hot Karl said. “I guess we can do that for you.”

The three heroes nod to the king and make their way out of the castle on their quest to defeat the demon king Vajayjay.

***

Okay. This is a good time to take a leak. All this mead is going straight to my bladder.

[i]Tugurls Von Cuppe leaves his audience, and goes to the bathroom. A few moments later he returns and sits down.

Well, I see you're still here. I'll go ahead and assume that you are interested in my story.

In that case, I'd better get liquored up before I keep going. I think it would be in your best interest to have some more as well.

Oh barkeep! A round for this table please.


- - - - -


Okay, I will start off by saying that I'm a girl so this didn't really appeal to me. I can definitely see how it would be amusing to many, but I'm more serious and perverted jokes actually make me uncomfortable. So, that being said, I wasn't hugely entertained but I'm not exactly the audience you're looking at.

For the story itself, I really liked the way you intro'ed using the bard. That actually clicked with me right away because it was really laid back and humorous. I like how it reads like a script, with simple character dialogue and extra notes for the actions. I would keep that.
Now within the bard's tale, I think you need to lay off the backstory right away. You can inject those things in later, but it was so rambly and seemingly pointless that it was kind of a put-off. You opened strong with the bard -- now you need to hold that interest. Now obviously this is a less serious piece so advice like "Show, don't tell" and "Make your characters real people" are kind of thrown out the window because they really don't matter. You're going for a totally different style. That being said, I still think more vivid locations might be for your benefit.

As I've said, I'm not your target audience so don't be concerned that I wasn't all that into the story with the son, but I will say it felt like a really bad joke when I realized the whole darn thing was totally irrelevant to the actual story. I can understand why you did that, but it was a little frustrating. In the start of a story, you don't really want to fake-out your audience. Get right to the chase -- throw them into relevant events. The slapstick dialogue just doesn't hold its weight if it's completely pointless, even if it's hilarious.

I noticed a couple little issues with how you formatted your dialogue. This is a good link that explains it, though if you have more questions feel free to ask. Of course, sometimes the best way to learn is to just pick up a book and see how they do it.
http://bubblecow.net/see-how-easily-you ... -dialogue/

I think if you keep the bard story structure, cut a little bit here and there and focus, this will be a really funny guy story. Not something I would read personally, but it has potential for a certain audience.

Keep writing

I like the concept of a bard telling the story, but sometimes, the voice gets too ramblish, like for instance - when you talk about your characters. That much of backstory is unecessary for the begining of a story. At that point, the reader does not know who they are and wants to know what's happening to them NOW, so that they can decide whether they like them or not. They do not want to hear what happened in the past to make them thus. I think you can leave the little anecdotes in (even those would do better in a later chapter), but things like "Hot Karl is by far the most intimidating one of the group..." is not very necessary. The reader should be able to infer that he is intimidating from his actions.

Also, some of the humour you employ is very slapstick - like. (Prince es?)

Now, moving on to some more specific comments.

You begin in first person...
"Why are you staring at me like that? Oh, my apologies. ..."

And then there's this line.
"A bubbling sound from a pipe.
Tugurls chokes through his next sentence."

That rings a bit false in my ears. It makes it seem like I'm playing one of those RPG video games. In fact, the whole story sounds like one, but those bits are fine, really. This kind of person change really irked me.

"he left with a bounty on his head for murder... and blue balls."
What are you talking about, exactly?

"The three herpes, oops typo, the three heroes" - lol. Maybe you shouldn't say "typo", though. "Pardon me" or "I beg your pardon" or something similar should do.

"demon king named Vajayjay" I see what you did there


Well, that's all I have to say. This is a pretty innovative approach to story telling. Good luck!

KayFortnight here to review your chapter:)

Since on my review thread, you specifically requested for me to tell you whether it sounds better in present or past tense, I'll address that first. I think your story will sound best with present tense for the parts referring to the bard and past when telling the rest of the story. However, I can't offer any definite reason why here, only a feeling.

Now, this is admittedly very funny-however, some parts are over the top and degenerate into the type of humor I roll my eyes at. I'm specifically thinking of dwelling on Prince Es. Those jokes got stale pretty quickly. Remember, part of what will get you laughs with this is doing what isn't expected and keeping your reader off balance.

Unlike many of your reviewers here, I like the way you've woven the narrator into the story and color the story he's telling with his views. I've always been a fan of trying unusual novel formats, too.

PM me when you put up the next chapter:)

Well, you sent this over chat so I figured I'd leave a couple comments.

1. This is an immature story, as you said. A group of morons traveling on an outrageous, rip-roaring adventure all whilst making dirty jokes and hitting on the ladies. Looks interesting. Heh. Just make sure you aren't copying to closely the tropes as say, MP and the Holy Grail or anything. Avoid cliches, and keep things fresh.

2. Which is the first thing that annoyed me. You have a fairly original start, with the drunken bard and what not, but you promply fall into character cliches such as... the drunken bard. This is probably most evident with Hot Karyl and Felch. The "hot guy" and "nerd" character types. Be aware that, while oftentimes going completetly in the opposite direction is more cliche than the actual cliche, you need to show us how these characters are different than any other jock or geek we've met in a story before. Give us something different. Set up those stereotypes, sure. But make sure you break those expectations. And pretty early on too, otherwise your readers will be bored.

3. I don't know why you've written this as a synopsis/screenplay, you need to indicate what this is, exactly, because I was expecting prose. And if this isn't an actual novella-type form, then you need to have the action in the story happen directly, as opposed to being described by the narrator. You can start with the narrator, sure, but he should very quickly become invisible.

4. The pacing is off. Namely, this flows way too fast. Even if it's a screenplay. The dialogue is a very snappy back-and-forth, but there is no real character interaction. Slow down. Actions speak louder than words, they say. Your characters should be doing something as opposed to just talking all the time. Describe a bit more as well. This is a new world to us, you need to give us a new picture of what it's like. A castle, okay... what kind of castle? Pink and white Disney style or something out of Dungeons and Dragons? Remember, remember, remember. Even in a pitch, it is always better to "show," not "tell."

Well, hoped that helped. This was, as I said, a very quick read. The bit about the ninja cracked me up. Anyway, keep writing!

~ED

Take that you fiend with a reviewlet;
Certificate of immaturness offically awarded. Is this a good thing? However, as a seasoned fantasy reader/writer/tinker/tailor/soldier/spy I can honestly say this is good. It is almost in the style of Terry Pratchet. Perhaps as an improvement you could make it less scripty?
TTYF!

You have officially made the most immature story. Well done. It was quite interesting how your character told the story. I like the fact that you make the readers feel like they're in a real place talking to a real person. I don't really like vulgarity, but you told it in the most hilarious way that it was entertaining. You have no grammatical errors, well ones that I can't point out. Very entertaining story.