I feel a little blue
Don't worry, it's nothing new
Some choices made, I always rue
And yet I repeat what I always do
In my heart, I know I'm just being true
And yet, my intentions are being misconstrued
A wrong thread they always sew
Like flocks of birds, their thoughts all flew
As to why, I have naught a clue
And so, my friends from many, come back few
In the end, I feel as if that is my cue
To feel, again, a little blue.
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hello ShallowHouse,
Stellarjay here for a quick review. First off I like how you keep an up beat tempo with the same rhyming scheme through the entire poem. Since you have a capital letter at the beginning of each stanza, I would add a comma or a period at the end of each. Now I'm no expert at this, so you can disregard my advice if you want. Other than that this was a good poem!
Keep on writing
- Stellarjay
Thank you for noticing the tempo! That's what I focused on instead of syllable count! Thank you also for the advice. I actually pondered whether to put a comma or a period and just shut it down by putting basically nothing. HAHAHAHA. Thank you for the advice, I'll apply it to my future poems and see how it goes!
Hello ShallowHouse! I'm here for a review, courtesy of the Ravenclaw Team!
The first thing I want to say is, I'm really, really impressed that all the lines end with a word that rhymes with "-oo" but no word is repeated (except blue). Like that is super impressive on its own, so good job!
Second, your flow is quite good. I just have a couple of suggestions to make it smoother.
"And yet, my intentions are being misconstrued"
I would recommend cutting out "being", as it doesn't add to the meaning and it makes the line slightly awkward.
"And so, my friends from many, come back few"
I would say this is one of your weaker lines, it feels like you have to really contort the sentence to make it rhyme. An example of a less awkward sentence could be,
"And my friends slowly to dwindle to just a few"
Or something like that.
Moving on to the actual content of the poem.
Why should that make us less worried? Shouldn't we be more worried, since this is a recurring problem? Just a personal opinion, but I would change this line a bit.
Aha, my enemy, repetition! Unless using repetition for emphasis/to convey a message, I recommend trying to avoid it. See how you use "always" twice, and both as the second last word of a line? Try to vary the vocabulary, to keep it more engaging.
Overall, I love this poem, it has a great flow, and the rhyming is consistent and natural. Good job! I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Thank you for this extensive review! I barely write poetry and I am suuuuper open to what reviews have to say! I didn't know that repetition, when unneeded, as much a significance of an impact as intended repetition! Thank you for letting me know of that!
This was great! You were really able to get your rhyme scheme down. The theme is great, and I love the 'Feeling blue' feel to it (which only makes sense). The only thing I would suggest is trying to make your syllable count match in each line, or at least the connected lines. This make for a much smoother reading experience, especially in poetry. The voice, vocabulary and word choice in this is astounding, and I'd love to read more of your poetry.
Thank you! While poetry isn't my forte, I enjoy making them when I do! I actually forgot the syllable count and instead focused on tempo so thank you for reminding me that syllables are important too!
Hi there!
I really liked this poem, and the rhyme scheme you have! Also the rhythm and tone that you have really reinforce the theme of feeling blue. I think if you move the line "And so, my friends from many, come back few" after the line "And yet, my intentions are being misconstrued" the flow would work a little more with mentioning the friends that have "left" the author. But that is completely up to you! Again, I really loved the deep intrinsic messages that you are showing. Really well done!
Thank you for the advice! I actually just wrote and published it after writing so I didn't polish it. I'm sorry about that! I'll make time polishing my future pieces from now on!
No! It's ok! Don't apologize! It was still really good!