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I couldn't sell my soul to my own poem

by ShaikhTheWorld


(scroll down to find the poem in text form for easier reading)

"The first time I put on a performance that included one of my poems, I returned ashamed of myself.", said the preacher.

"This was the fruit of my sore labor that came to be the repair to my momentary despair. I'm sure you'll enjoy it, especially with a rhythm - go ahead."

I gazed down upon it reverently, and read methodically - it hurt slightly, but I carried on.
By the end of it, I smiled.

"This is pure genius!", came the outburst - I couldn't hold my mirth.

(Approx Date of Poem's Origin: 3rd of March, 2016)

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I couldn't sell my soul to my own poem.

I presented it but it was all in pretend.

Meaning did I how many make comprehend?
I wonder as I now regard myself with a sad type of contempt.
All of the grand possibilities that up had I dreamt
All torn apart because FATE did I tempt!
Time to franchise so much that I had lent
Now squandered, wasted, all I want to do is vent.
Crushing realization that I can't upon myself depend.
With how many more excuses shall myself I defend?
Finding myself so terribly bereft,
Burden of blaming myself I now have to heft.
To Misery and Sorrow I am now left,
Together with also a whole world of regret.
I must admit, I was undoubtedly, utterly and completely, REKT.
Meh.
Bleh.
Eh.
Damn it,
Damn it,
Damn it all to hell!
Feeling so so so so vehement
That none of it all went like I had meant.
That I just wasn't good enough I'll remember forever overwhelmed...
But maybe lesson yet there is somewhere in between!
Something from somewhen and someone to take away, to glean!
In the midst of it all, everything looking bleak,
The knowledge that I was at my own game beat,
Rendered in public, so damn weak...
Maybe next time I'll strive harder.
Maybe next time I'll work more clever!
Maybe, just maybe from all of the despair
Something shall come forth that shall all of it repair!
But currently, sadly, I'll be walking, talking, around my own home squawking
My very own self aggressively mocking
Maybe I'll find it in myself to be grateful for what I have.
Learn to much more success from failure attract.
But until that
Swag.


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Thu Mar 29, 2018 7:04 pm
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fraey wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm here to give you a few pointers on this poem.

First off, I don't really get the opening before the poem itself. I guess I just don't think there needs to be any context since readers may interpret your poem differently than how you intended it to be. On that note, honestly, I'd rather you take away the conversation-thingy and the pictures of the poem altogether, cause they're both distracting. That could be just me though.

I get that you're trying to have a more classical vibe to this poem, for the most part, like how Shakespeare messes with the word order, even if it's confusing. You do a pretty good job of that, but a few lines fall short or don't fit the context as much, I think. For some reason, the opening line of

I couldn't sell my soul to my own poem
doesn't feel that it relaters to much to the rest of the poem. I'd rather you insert that idea into the next line of
I presented it but it was all in pretend.
That way, you could put "I presented my soul but it was all pretend," if you wanted to keep the rhyme scheme.

If this is written in the guise of spoken-word, I'd honestly just rather you delete the portions meant only to contribute to reading it aloud, like the reviewer below me stated. The part of
Meh.
Bleh.
Eh.
Damn it,
Damn it,
Damn it all to hell!
Feeling so so so so vehement
just turns me off from the message I perceive you're trying to send to the reader, of trying to take your future into your own hands and working for it? Or working past the helplessness/hopelessness you may feel. See, these lines seem to be more for effect than anything else, which is fine, but that same effect from speaking does not translate into reading it silently, at least I don't think so. This part just seemed a little more simpler, which takes away from the serious tone you're presenting with all of the more medieval writing you've got going on.

The last line I'd like to speak specifically about is
Maybe next time I'll work more clever!
The grammar in this is messing with me, cause you can't "work clever." I'd almost rather have the "harder" inserted from the previous line to fit "work harder" but that messes with the rhyme scheme.

The rhyme scheme is more distracting than alluring, unfortunately, since some lines don't really really rhyme, likes
In the midst of it all, everything looking bleak,
The knowledge that I was at my own game beat,
Rendered in public, so damn weak...
You've been trying to keep a aabbcc... rhyme scheme, at least that's what I've observed, but then here, it's aba. I'm kind of thrown off.

Overall, there are a few kinks to work out, but I like your message about perseverance. Keep writing!

Killeham






Hi!

Shakespeare? Don't you mean... Shaikhspeare?! (okay, sorry xD)

Indeed, this was intended to be Spoken Word to an extent, and I understand how deleting certain parts may have improved it, yet I wanted to keep it in its original state. (since it's two years old)

Ah, regarding the purpose and message of the poem... it's mainly me venting after a poetry recital didn't go as perfectly as planned - the "Meh. Bleh. Eh. ..." part is present to convey that frustration, for instance.

As I calm down, it turns into a message about perseverance as you rightly identified, and I insert "Swag" to contrast with the 'serious' nature of the former part of the poem. :3

I work clever all the time, what are you talking about? :P

Apologies about the rhyming scheme, I tend to never stick to any of them. 0_0

Thanks for your informative review, and your kind words! :D

(P.S - the poem's supposed to be in different stanzas, but apparently the site didn't register the spaces T.T)



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Wed Mar 28, 2018 5:54 pm
trulyness wrote a review...



Well, the first thing I'd like to point out is that the text on the pictures is highly unreadable. You can't really expect someone to read it. It probably would have been better if you would have just left the poem as a text in italics or something. And the author's notes in the middle of your story/poem were really distracting.

As for the poem, I felt that the use of archaic words and then words like 'swag' just didn't go together. Other than that, the line in which you used 'so' four times could be reconstructed. The usage of 'so' four times is absolutely redundant. It doesn't create the effect of emphasis that you were probably intending. Other than that, if it was just to add rhythm and fit the number of syllables maybe rephrasing it would be the best.






Thanks for pointing the unreadable nature out - I'll add the text form of the poem in a bit for others with the same problem.

The use of 'Swag' at the end was just a brilliant joke, I'm afraid. xD

The usage of 'so' four times was to contribute to the flow of the poem, not for emphasis - when read out, it works great, so I'm happy with the decision. :3

Thanks for the review! :D




I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison