Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Jerica ate all the food Akeno brought – plus more from the barracks kitchen as well. She was far hungrier than she thought. The food dumped life back into her. So did her friends. Not that she’d ever admit that they were making her feel better. Or that she needed them to.
“You should be with Nykim,” Jerica said at last, looking over at Rek. She had a leg hooked over the arm of her chair, nursing the second mug of beer she’d sent for.
“Nykim will be there,” Rek brushed her off. “And he wants me to be here right now. We both know how much we owe you.”
She waved her hand vaguely, taking a long drink of the beer. They weren’t going to do this now. There was no way to reassure Rek other than pretending it wasn’t a big deal; and no way to reassure Akeno aside from telling him how absolutely terrible Stanton was. They were both here now and she wasn’t a fan of entering into situations where there was no way to win.
“And you…don’t you have something you should be doing?” She looked at Akeno, then blinked as she realized her head felt a bit lighter than she’d thought. She counted and realized she hadn’t included the beer from the palace in her calculations – so she was near the bottom of the third of some very tall mugs. Oh well. At least it was numbing. “Now that you can’t do me anymore?”
Rek snorted loudly and choked on a laugh.
Akeno flushed, face turning red in an instant as he averted his gaze.
Derik huffed a sigh.
She smirked. Three for three – a predictable reaction out of all of them. She turned a crooked grin towards Derik. “You know you missed me.”
“I did miss you,” Derik agreed, rolling his eyes. “I just forgot about that mouth.”
“Oh. I’ll remind you, then.” Jerica stretched her back, but didn’t sit up, so it was an awkward movement. She yawned, exhaustion suddenly hitting her. “Because my mouth, in fact, never stops running.”
“Yes, I remember now,” Derik said dryly.
Jerica grinned and twisted to sit upright in her chair, slouching low over her legs as she yawned again. She’d drank too much. She wasn’t properly drunk – it was more just a pleasant buzz – but enough for it to feel sedative. And she’d had to deal with far, far too many emotions in the past day to pretend that the lack of sleep wasn’t fazing her.
She yawned again.
“Did you sleep at all?” Derik looked concerned.
“Of course, I –” A yawn cut her off. And her wrist zapped her. “Dammit!”
He raised an eyebrow. She glanced towards Akeno and Rek, but they looked equally concerned. She scoffed and took another drink of the beer, finishing off this mug as well. She swallowed, savoring the slight burn in her throat as she leaned forward to set the mug on the edge of Derik’s desk. She yawned again.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Derik said dryly.
She felt strangely defensive, and leaned back in her chair. “You try to sleep with Stanton’s dick pressed against your back.”
He cringed.
She cringed too. “That’s not what I—”
She glanced over at Akeno and Rek. It was a mistake. Guilt flooded into Rek’s eyes and he looked at her apologetically. Akeno flushed a bit, locking eyes with her for the briefest moment before he looked at the ground.
“Not what I meant,” Jerica backtracked, trying to figure out how to salvage this. It was exactly what she meant. But she hadn’t meant to say it out loud. “I just don’t sleep well when I don’t have the bed to myself.”
Another lie. Another tingle in her wrist.
But, not one that Rek or Derik could call her on. Sure, they probably knew some of the nights Akeno had spent in her room. But they never brought it up, and she certainly didn’t offer. For all they knew, she did rest badly with Akeno in the bed with her and just decided it was worth it. But Akeno knew the truth, and there was a slight glint to his eye when he looked up to meet her gaze.
“Anyway!” She pushed herself to her feet, smiling as she staggered to the side a bit. The beer had taken away enough of the tension that her chest didn’t hurt anymore – and even her bloodied hands were tingling and numb. “I think I’m drunk enough for a nap. Shall we?”
Derik sighed but nodded. “Alright.”
“You.” Jerica patted Rek’s chest as he stood up. “Go back to your husband.”
He wrapped her in a hug. She returned the embrace for a long moment.
“And you.” She turned and wrapped her arms around Akeno, not even sure what to say to him. Her throat suddenly felt tight as she found herself in his strong embrace once more. She looked up at him for a long, tense moment. His face was so close to hers. So tempting. So kissable. She patted his cheek instead. “Go find yourself a husband or something.”
He snorted.
She smirked and stepped away, gesturing at Derik. “May as well get you one, too, while we’re at it. Husbands all around.”
“Pretty sure only one of us wants a husband,” Derik murmured, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as they stepped towards the door.
“True,” Jerica agreed. She hesitated as her gaze flicked over Derik’s shoulder and landed on Akeno’s face for the briefest moment. It was long enough to send a fresh pang of regret through her. “Well… there are some husbands I wouldn’t mind.”
Akie smiled at her sadly. She turned her mouth up in the briefest hint of a smile, then turned and walked out the door, taking on her boisterous persona once more. Enough of that. There was no point in getting wrapped up in her feelings again. She was married to the slimiest boy in the country. And that was that.
“I feel like I would make a pretty amazing husband,” Jerica mused as she walked through the anteroom. She turned back as they all waited for Derik to lock his office door. She flexed, standing on her tip toes to prove her point. “I’m muscle-y.”
“And that’s all you need, of course,” Derik said flatly.
She continued, undeterred. “My ego is massive.”
“No arguments,” Rek said dryly.
“And my hair is fabulous,” she concluded, dramatically running her hand through her own hair before she reached up to muss up Rek’s. “Better than yours, lover boy.”
“Being hot is Nykim’s job,” Rek muttered, following her into the hall.
“Fair,” she agreed. Nykim was attractive. She turned around and walked backward in front of the three of them, rambling through the implications. “You think Stanton realizes he has an excellent husband?”
“You should tell him,” Rek said encouragingly.
“You should not,” Derik cut in with a sigh. Always the voice of reason.
“What do you think he’d do if I called him my wife?” Jerica continued, pretending that she hadn’t heard Derik.
“Only one way to find out…” Akeno murmured, smirking a bit.
“You should not,” Derik repeated, grabbing her shoulder and pushing her around to walk correctly as they got to the door of the barracks. “Stop antagonizing Stanton.”
“Stanton has it coming,” Jerica retorted, pushing the door open and striding outside.
They’d had this exact conversation many, many times in the past. ‘Be nice to Stanton’ ‘Stop antagonizing Stanton’ ‘Don’t threaten Stanton’ ‘You don’t need to insult Stanton when you see him this time’ – rinse and repeat and multiply by a lifetime. Derik chiding her not to be mean to Stanton; her reminding Derik that Stanton deserved it.
“Doesn’t mean you should bring it,” Derik murmured, patting her back as he fell into step to her left. Rek was on her right. She was vaguely aware that Akeno was off to her right as well. She nodded with a sigh.
It wasn’t going to stop her.
But there was some truth to Derik’s sentiment. She’d already tried being nasty to Stanton, and it had – somehow – not deterred him in the least. Otherwise, she might see if he’d rescind the marriage if she was nasty enough to him. But that didn’t seem likely. So, maybe, she should try to draw a truce… somehow.
Maybe, if she was lucky, they could come to some agreement where she’d only have to deal with him in the evenings. She had no doubt that he’d demand that much. But maybe, just maybe, they could figure out a way for him to be satisfied with that alone so she could pretend that he didn’t exist during the daytime.
“Man, I’m ready for a nap.” Jerica yawned again, still feeling a bit buzzy, but now, mostly sleepy instead.
“I’m sure you’ve earned one,” Rek murmured.
“Surprised you don’t need one.” She smirked.
He flushed and looked away.
“Shh, be nice,” Derik scolded.
Jerica laughed lightly, glancing between the three of them as they walked. She really was lucky, in some ways anyway. Sure, Biryn was entirely nasty to her. And she hated almost every moment of every day. And had the world’s worst husband. But, at the end of the day, she had an uncle, and a cousin, and a…General… who all cared very deeply about her.
And that meant a lot.
“All jokes,” Jerica assured him, wrapping an arm around Derik and leaning in for an awkward-hug as they rounded the corner to the courtyard.
They stopped short.
The courtyard was bustling with commotion. The Fillmores’ carriage was prominent in the center of the space. Servants were loading trunks and chests onto the caravan that they’d brought with him. She didn’t know what this meant. The Fillmores? Leaving so soon? It seemed too good to be true.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Shady! Now that I've had a chance to finally read the entire story of Before the Dragon, I'd like to give some thoughts about the story overall. I shall let you know that most of this will be critiques, very large and broad constructive criticism because, well, I think you know what I liked about the story and I don't want to be reiterating myself on that because I think this will be long either way. tl;dr love Jerica, your characterization is awesome, love your writing style. Nowwww let's get to the actual review.
I'll start off by saying that I truly think Before the Dragon has amazing potential and you've crossed the first hurdle of actually writing the draft. As you said, I've now read your plot bunnies and ideas, your brainchild so to speak. Let's dig in.
First things first, let's talk about the war. In my notes, I asked if the war was necessary to the story. I know it must sound horrible to gouge out an entire third of your story, particularly one that has survived your multiple drafts, but let's explore my reasoning for cutting out the war entirely.
The reasoning of the war is shallow and problematic
The entire war was because Atraya refused to create a political alliance and Nykeria got bitter about it. (I actually wrote butthurt first, but both is apt lol). I think I made this note in an earlier draft, but to have the Nykerians launch a war over such a petty reason makes it seem like Nykeria is in the wrong no matter what they do. I don't think there's a problem to that: in history there are some wars where one side is almost exclusively in the wrong, but in fiction it creates weak villians and less stakes. The most compelling villians are the ones who wholeheartedly believe they're in the right and that a reader can understand their reasoning and even sympathize with them --to an extent. I read something that, in wars there are no victors, there are only survivors. It stuck with me.
I also want to note the inherent colorism and racism by making all Nykerians as the villians. Nykerians are dark skinned, yes? In fantasy especially, it is easy to fall into the trap of the colorism trope. As white people, my belief is to always be cognizant of our inherent biases. So, I greatly wish that you can provide a bit more humanity to Nykeria in future drafts. I know that there are disgusting men on both sides, but the war as it stands draws quite clear lines on who's good and who's bad.
I must also question the specific reason as to why the war began in the first place. Launching war because a political marriage was refused absolutely ruins any chance of said marriage happening, even if Nykeria wins the war. Winning the war means Atraya is going to be decimated, so how much would Nykeria get out of it after Atraya have lost. I definitely understand the concept of leaders being incompetent, but I feel as though the war had shaky foundations. Now, I do think this can be pretty easily remedied. For example, if the Princess had been kinda courting Nykeria, and a Nykerian ancient custom had been violated unintentionally by Atraya, then Atraya pulls out of negotiations and both sides have reason to tussle. This is just the briefest of examples, but I hope you get my point.
The war's timing is convenient
So Nykeria marched up to Atraya's doorstep and launched war on them. I think the war has been going on longer than when the story started and Nykeria recently pushed Atraya to the capitol city's walls (which I'm not sure is clarified in the story) and maybe like a couple days of that is when the story starts. Then it happens for about another week before Jerica is captured, and it is told that the war basically comes to a standstill immediately after because they're holding the Nykerian prince hostage.
This, to me, seems more like a battle than an entire war. This also seems like a war that feels more like a showcase of Jerica's skills than an actual war. I think it's a good showcase of Jerica's skills as a warrior and a general, but since the latter is getting removed from the story and the former isn't necessarily what she was trained for, I think there are better ways to showcase her skills. She is called the King's Assassin, but at no point through the story was she ever an assassin. The closest point was when she killed that mage, but still. I'd love to see the version of the story where Jerica is an assassin and not an Enhanced Warrior General Princess.
Removing the war and transitioning it to subterfuge against two kingdoms who are publicly looking for an alliance but privately very tense and at each other's throats solves both my issues with the war and my issues with Jerica not being an assassin. And, better yet, you can still have Jerica captured and taken to the dragon's lair. In fact, capturing during a subterfuge situation is likely to happen.
The World feels small
Now, I say this but I don't expect every fantasy story to have a huge world with a huge scope and lots of traveling and exploring. However, I feel like the stakes that you present in the story, both the war in the beginning and the larger story in the end, insuiates a larger story happening. However, the world feels small to me. For much of the first act, we are stuck in the same castle, and we do similar things to the point where it almost feels like we're looping days. The Nykerian Camp feels small, and the cave feels small. Throughout the entire book, we really only go to three areas besides flashbacks. I'd love to explore the world more. And, we don't even have to explore the world that much as that's usually something reserved for the sequel, but I'd love to see more of Atraya and more of Nykeria, or even towns/locations in different countries. Being an assassin sent out on missions gives a ton of opportunities to explore parts of the world that wouldn't necessarily be explored in war. It would also give you the opportunity to show that not all Nykerians are bloodthirsty evil people, and not all Atraians are good people (besides Biryn/Levin, we know that) explore and flesh out the communities and the world.
The Stakes feel small
To build off of the last section, I want to talk a bit about the stakes of the story, because I feel like this is probably my largest issue with the story, or a major reason for most of my issues with the story. For awhile, I was struggling with just how to grasp the issues (because I don't exactly know how to word things well lol and I don't want to just say "i dont like this >:C" without digging deeper and giving a reason and looking into possible solutions) I had with the story, and I think I figured out that I have an issue with the sense of scale and stakes in your story. Above, I talked about the scale, so now I'll talk about the stakes.
I have in my notes throughout much of the story that the characters just feel very petty and shallow to me, and I think a large part of that pettiness is because the scale feels small, like the characters don't /care/ about the larger picture. And because of this, the story feels like it doesn't care about the larger picture. So, then, how can I? And, please believe me, I really want to and I wish I could.
For example, an entire war is happening right outside the front gate and Biryn, Levin, and even Jerica at times are only interested in petty squabbling and minor annoyances. Levin is a King and feels like a spoiled petulant child, and Biryn feels like an annoying pest, and both of them feel like their sole objective and goal is to annoy Jerica. All the while, an alliance between two countries has been shattered and a war is happening as they speak.
But, even Derik, who is supposed to be protecting Jerica from a much larger threat, lets her go out and almost die multiple times throughout the story. No matter what he says, I will not believe that he was truly having her best intentions at heart and was allowing Biryn to do whatever he wanted.
I just do not feel that the stakes are there, because I do not see the characters reacting or responding to the stakes. The war itself should have been a large issue, but it ends by the end of the book so the stakes feel wasted.
I do not really need the characters themselves to blatantly state the stakes to me, or even to each other, but I would like to be aware of the stakes in the background, have them linger throughout the story, like tension over the characters as the story proceeds.
Towards the end of the story, you reveal a much larger universe to both the main character and to the reader, and much larger stakes. While there are other comments I will make about that section later, I feel shorted by having to come back to the smaller story and making it even smaller by the final chapter. There are no cliffhangers, or hints to the larger story or larger stakes, it really feels like you dropped a hint of the larger picture and then said "anyways, back to this story". It was a tantalizing prospect that was revealed as the climax of the story, and then dropped, with no hints to the future. I know you told me to disregard the ending that you had, but I did end up reading it and wishing for a better ending. And part of the ending I was hoping for included broadening the scopes and introducing the next main story and villian as perhaps a cliffhanger or something along those lines.
I also feel like I can feel the stakes like right away the corner. I know they're there, I know mostly what you're wanting to go for, and also what naturally comes with the story and genre, but I think there's a disconnect between what is wanted as the stakes and what is conveyed through the story and the characters in that story.
Honestly, I don't think I'm explaining my thoughts well on the stakes. I think it's a nebulous concept that is different for everyone, but I'm hoping my intentions and thoughts are coming across clearly. This is probably a conversation that's better done as a two way conversation rather than just a review, but you know, whatevs. XD
This leads me to my next topic:
The villains seem under-utilized
What do I mean by this?
In my eyes, there are two main villains to this story that I care about: Biryn, and the nebulous hunters that forced Jerica to leave her home world.
I will not include Nykeria in this conversation, as I don't have much more to say about them that I haven't already said earlier during the whole war topic. I also do not view Nykeria as a villain. They are an opposing force, but that will definitely change without the war, right?
So, Biryn. Biryn, Biryn, Biryn. Yeesh, where do I start with this?
So, to be honest, I was expecting for Biryn to have a much larger role in the story than he did. In the beginning, I did not think this. But, as we explored more about the whole story with Jerica, Derik, Jerica's parents ("parents") and all of that, the more that Biryn became more of a mystery that was just begging to be solved. I don't remember the specific term, but the whole Biryn being consumed by a demon was a twist I most absolutely wasn't expecting. When that was revealed, a whole bunch of questions started popping up in my brain. Who is this demon? Is Biryn completely gone or is there some part of the old person still in him? What is the demon's end goal? Does the demon have a goal? Because, right now, I guess the demon is one of pettiness because that's all he seems for me lol. The demon's goals feel, well, like a human being petty to basically a child just because he can. And, gosh, Biryn is sooooo annoying lol, like, so absolutely annoying. There were some points where I genuinely, honest to goodness felt that Biryn was adding nothing to the story. Like, he was impeding the story to the point where it actually took me out and make writer me feel like he just was so out of place in the story.
However, as the story went along (and Biryn was not actually in the story lol) I realized that he is important to the story, and I kinda wished he would be even more important to the story. Like, I would have loved to see him as an actual antagonist instead of a pest. Like, Biryn is the book one antagonist that would transition to the bigger bad later in the story. And I feel like Biryn could be like, an Admiral Zhao (from A:tLA), or a Shadoweaver (from She-ra). I would also have liked to see a connection to Biryn and the big bad hunters from Jerica's homeworld. I feel like human!Biryn wouldn't be able to do that, but Demon!Biryn definitely might be able to, right? And that would be an entirely different dynamic (an even more different dynamic than when Jerica's origins were revealed) to Biryn and his relationship with Derik and even Jerica. What if she steps over one boundary too much and Biryn snaps? There's so much possibility to make Biryn more than just a nuisance (not saying he needs to be redeemed, but he could definitely be more evil and less pestiness right?)
I think I've mentioned that the ending feels disjointed from the rest of the story, and you don't have that ending as the draft ending, but I feel even the climax, the larger story, also feel disjointed from the war and the dragon. I can pretty distinctly split this story into three chunks, and while the war chunk and dragon chunk feel connected, the dragon chunk and the larger reveal chunk do not, nor does the larger reveal and the ending.
Also, I have a note that says "-Where was Zander? Why did he go back to Aerik?" I wish I could provide more thoughts or commentary on that but my memory is not that good lol and it has been too long since reading the story for me to actually comment more on that. I'm sure it was definitely a conversation I wanted to start but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Idk lol
ANYWAY thank you for allowing me the chance to read and review your story! I really did enjoy it and I am very appreciative of the opportunity to provide feedback and actually feel like I could help you in building the story you want to! <3
OMNI <3 tank u sm for reading my whole hot mess of a novel and giving me so many incredibly helpful critiques -- my next draft I feel a lot better about and a large part of it is due to ideas I had when I was thinking through your feedback. Thank you <3
In my defense, Atraya started out dark-skinned in my first draft also, so both sides were POC rather than it being dark villains and white saviors. However, I agree with you with the direction this has taken it is a bit problematic and will work on my diversity ^^
See, this is hard because she interacts with them in a war-setting and you're not going to be humanizing your opponents in a war, intentionally. And, like, there was snippets of Josef being a misguided but good character. I actually have another novel in the works that centers on Nykeria and explores the nuances a bit more but it's hard in this context >.>
Then look no further than the next draft--
jk... ish. I currently plan to keep the war
sorrybut am taking a very different approach to it (i.e., that's not how the story starts, it's not on their doorstep, and she's utilized more like an assassin than strictly a warrior). I'm feeling a lot better about my current idea, but feel free to tell me if you hate it once you read the next draft xDI actually find this comment really funny because Icy's complaint is that Derik babies Jerica too much xD tis hard to balance War Lord/Uncle roles in a realistic sense.
I... don't know what to tell you here xD I fully agree with you that it's a terrible ending, that's why I told you not to read it lol the last solid third of the last draft is getting cut entirely and I now plan to end with more of a plan for Kyrkkyni moving forward ^^
Ahah I am very happy to have this convo ^^ feel free to move this to Discord if you'd like. It felt appropriate to respond here since there was so much to respond to xD but I'm happy to pick this up in more of a back and forth in Discord.
So there actually is a connection... kiiiind of. In that, Biryn is aware of the Council ("hunters") and absolutely leverages that over Derik's head. The problem is that this is a third-person limited perspective and Jerica doesn't know most of this, which is... problematic in revealing it to the reader. I did hint towards it when Biryn and Derik had that scene where Biryn was like "our fates are intertwined" but I acknowledge that was brief. I'll try to do better about foreshadowing him in the next draft ^^
I also am not sure what that note means xD perhaps asking why he showed up? If so, it's because he was fucking around on Earth and the portal to Earth is in Kaidren's den. So he came through the portal knowing nothing about Jerica being there and with no plans to stick around. So... his story isn't actually super relevant to the plot of this novel, though I do want to include him a bit more.
~
Again, thank you so much for the review!! And all the reviews leading up to this as well <3 I super, super appreciate all your help and love being able to talk with you about my novel, you've been incredible and I appreciate you a lot <3
I can't believe we're finally on the last chapter! I hope we get to end on a more positive note than the last couple of chapters because even though I know Jerica's story isn't over yet I don't want her to be completely miserable at the end of book one
I SNORTED. This was excellent. I love that she's still able to joke about it, even if it is a coping mechanism.
Oh Jerica... it's going to take a while to navigate this change in dynamic and all I want to do is hug her </3
STOP MAKING MY HEART SAD.
Take Stanton with you please!!
I've not been much help in this section, I'm just in a corner crying for what could have been with Akeno and Jerica </3 </3
I'm not at all sure how you're going to end this book, but if the beginning was any indication then I'm sure it will go with a bang!
Have you started writing book two yet? I need Jerica to have her happy ending!!
I'll be back for the FINAL instalment!
~Icy
I have! I've been trying to edit this book, but all your lovely reviews have spurred me on to keep working, so I have the first chapter almost done of book two. We'll see if I find the inspo to make substantial progress on it during revmo or not ahah