Why do we cry?
Tears upon our cheeks,
A lump in our throat.
We cry because we have been beat.
Why do we hurt?
Feeling the pain,
Giving it out.
We hurt because of selfish gain.
Why do we feel?
Emotions end us all,
Tormenting power.
We feel because we need to get up after a fall.
Why do we fall?
Beneath the hardships of life,
Surrender to dismay.
We fall because of the burden of life.
We hurt, we cry,
We feel, we fall.
We say goodbye
And end it all.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
wow girl. this is.......deap. is there something i should know about. i love this poem 'shadowwriter1'. its seriously awsome. this is seriously awsome. i love that it rhymes but it does so in a way that isnt obvious. you are seriously getting good at poems. please dont stop writing them or you'll make me cry. anyway this is totally amazing 'shadowwriter1' i love it.
from alilovessandy.
(sorry about the spelling. you know why.)
Thanks for the review, and no I do not need to tell you anything, I am perfectly okay.
its quite sad and depressing and its good really good it rhymes well and are you suggesting the narrator kills them self?
-TGS
Thanks for the review, and yes, there is the implication of suicide. Not very nice I know, but I wasn't exactly happy when I wrote this...
that's ok writing can be depressing at times and so can lie
Hey! Spark here to review you :3
Okay so this is very cliche. There's no pretty imagery, no metaphors. You just tell us straight up what's going on, which makes it really, honestly, a boring read. You're telling us things we already know.
Like here, for instance.
Okay, look at this stanza for me. There's no metaphor, no imagery... It's very pedestrian. "Tears upon our cheeks" puts no image in my head. "A lump in our throat" leaves a bad taste in my mouth because that reminds me of pain. THAT'S where you could start the imagery. How does that lump make the narrator feel? How tight does their vocal chords feel from the lump? How does the world swim from the the blurred tears? Cliche images, sure, but at least they're images.
Speaking of stanzas, you have none. This is one long poem. Which, is fine. But it's hard on the eyes, and it's rather annoying, so I'd consider if I were you, breaking it up. It's really easy to break it into stanzas, just split it whenever you have new images. By the way, if you need help with formatting, there's an awesome post about it. Just look up "Poem Formatting" in the search bar and it should come up for you.
Wait what
when did this poem suddenly become about hurting others? I thought this was about we, ourselves being hurt?
You're now trying to give us images, but they're so confusing and mixed up, they sound condescending and pretentious. You don't want to sound condescending or pretentious. You sound like this, because you're still not giving me anything. You're just telling me, and it's getting tiring to be told what 'we' feel and 'why' without being given something more substantial to back it.
Okay, so you're being really confusing. You go from telling us that emotions are torment, to that they help us rise after we fall. You have to pick a reason and stick with it if you want this poem to mean anything.
Now this stanza is why I chose to review this poem. Because there's something there, you just have to dig it out and dust it off. But it still needs work. You really really need to work on your imagery. Why are we saying goodbye? Are you suggesting suicide? Or natural death? Why are we ending it? Are we ending it of our own volition?
No matter what the stuff I've said above makes you think, you've got a good base. You've got your topic, you just need to add the metaphors and imagery.
Hey, thanks for the review. To begin with, I think I may answer your questions.
1. The line "We hurt because of selfish gain" is about people hurting others in general for their own gain, not just the persona.
2. There are supposed to be stanzas, I made an apology about that in the comments. The website was just playing up on me.
3. The end lines can be how you wish to take them, though I do not deny the thought of suicide running through my mind when I was writing this.
4. It is supposed to portray pain. This is about someone being hurt and questioning why, then answering their own questions.
Once again, thanks for the review, and I hope that this has shed some light on you confusion.
Hi, i hope you enjoy reading your first review for this poem. What hooked me here was your title; a questioning title always works well. This poem had a 'straight to the point' starting but the ending was brilliant. The creative words you have used in this poem are of great choice and works perfectly. The only bad point I thought this poem had was that it didnt flow well. Try altering some of your sentences to suit the flow. My favourite lines were:
"Why do we fall?
Beneath the hardships of life,
Surrender to dismay.
We fall because of the burden of life."
Overall: a brilliant poem. (Excuse me if this review seems hurried- I didnt have much time but I wanted to review it) Hope this review provides encouragement for you.
- Anshira
Thnks for the review!! I really appreciate it
Anytime
I would like to not, that the lack of spacing between the stanzas is because the website is playing up for me. Each stanza is four lines, and all but the last begin wit a question and end in an answer. I apologise for this inconvienince and promise to fix it ASAP.