Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Sorry, I'm so late at getting to this. I was scrolling through my PM's and couldn't remember if I'd reviewed Chapter three or not. Turns out I hadn't! Sorry about that. I'll try to be more punctual in the future.
Let's get to it, shall we?
While this chapter has its definite ups, and is most likely my favorite out of all of them, I have a few things that I did find. I'll actually be mainly focusing on grammar, and then some small other things that I found. Hope you don't mind. ^^
Before I begin, I am wondering why part of this work is in a different style of text? And why is it, that the grammatical quality of the work goes down on that last paragraph? For instance, you don't capitalize your 'i's' or you don't end or begin your sentences properly. From what I can see, there isn't an actual reason for that? Let me know if there is a reason for it, as I was slightly confused when reading it and then comparing it to the rest of your work.
#1 As I was reading I noticed that you would switch from first person to third person. Sometimes it would be right in the middle of the paragraph, and other times it wouldn't. Make sure to read through your chapters thoroughly and get rid of that. If you want to have an omniscient POV for this, then I think third person would be your best option. Take your pick of course, this is just what I've always found best in my experience.
Technical errors
you don’t have too
to*
Every minutes I sat in the shadows trying to work up the courage to do what I had in mind - was a minute less my wolves had.
A common thing that I'm seeing throughout your writing, is your over-usage of the em-dash. While the em-dash is veery handy to use and can be quite useful, try to keep it down a little, eh? An overabundance of them can drag down on reader.
for….for what?
One rule you have to follow when it comes to the ellipsis, is to always have a space after it. So... this is how you do it. You have a space directly after the ellipsis, or else technically the two words that are being separated are one and the same, but of course, incorrect.
I was indeed out of the loop.
Slight typo there. ^^
“Were not here to play games,
You forgot an apostrophe in we're.
The air felt cold, dead where these Ellies walked.
Perhaps it would be better to say The air felt cold and dead where these Ellies walked. The comma is unnecessary there, and your sentence flows more with an and there.
This made the rest of them pause as well, it was like they were expecting a trick, which was smart because that’s the only thing running through her head at the moment.
While it is tempting to cram as much information that you possibly can into a sentence, the sentence can only be one idea. This sentence here is basically two. You have the idea of her previous action is making them pause and then you go into the second idea of they are expecting a trick, which is smart of them. See? Two different ideas in one sentence. That is something that you really have to avoid in order to bring across clear and precise ideas.
Onto some other stuff...
as I walked headlong into a threatening situation
When I read this... Well, this is just telling us that something is going to go wrong with her. Why not surprise a little? Jump it at us. From the way the chapter was going, I knew that something was going to happen, but I wasn't sure. I was going to have to find out. Instead of saying outright threatening situation why not drop some subtle hints? Those are always cool to watch unfold.
The four vets were not happy about training the greenies,
Omigosh, greenies so reminded me of the Maze Runners. <3 I love this line. Good job.
This person might be a woman, but that single thing told them that this was a smart one
I'm totally not acting sexist or anything (in fact, I'm against that type of thing), but is this sentence implying that women usually aren't smart? Now, I don't really think it is, but I know that some people could take it like that. I'd mess around with the wording a bit and try to fix that, as somebody could get really upset over that. xD
“Why would I attach a needle to my chest, don’t you know that could kill me, I may not be your average woman, but I’m not suicidal! As well as why would I need two vials on my legs if I can’t even reach them.”
Yes, I can totally tell how she's just playing for time. Somebody who wouldn't have any vials on them would just let them search them and then be on their way. She, however, is making a big fuss and just proving their point. Seems that it could work both ways. Either she won't come up with a plan, and she'll get captured or killed. Or she'll come up with a plan while in the midst of talking her way out of the mess. xD Turns out neither one really took place in the end.
But this wasn't a fair fight.
No, it wasn't. This line was a great final to that paragraph. It is extremely well done.
From what I can see here, this a chapter that is bordering on something else. Something fairly major is going to happen in the next chapter or slightly beyond that, right? From what I'm reading, I am getting the feeling that you're hinting at something that is going to take place fairly soon. What that is, I don't know yet but I hope to soon. Make sure to tell me when you post next!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
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