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Shade Users - Chapter 3 (1/2)

by Shadowolf765


                                                            Chapter 3

The air felt cold, dead where these Ellies walked. As though everything was repulsed by them, dying upon contact. Even to me, these suited men were not people you mess with if you don’t have too. Every minutes I sat in the shadows trying to work up the courage to do what I had in mind - was a minute less my wolves had. With my resolve shoved into place, I give a silent sigh, walking backwards a few feet I steadied my stride and walked out. Not loudly, but not silently either. It was the walk of someone not wanting to draw attention to them, but not caring if someone did end up looking.

Coming around the corner I paused when I looked up, this was closer that I had dared come to them so far, and I could feel muscles all over tense as I walked headlong into a threatening situation. I turned towards them as though to get a better look.

All six of the Ellies had turned to watch who  would come out of the ally and were not surprised that a woman had walked out - in fact, four of them had agreed inside of their helmets that it would be a female. The two who had not not even had time to respond, were the newbies. The four vets were not happy about training the greenies, but they got to use the new suits as well as take on this large gang - one said to be quick on their feet.

       

All of the Ellies snaked their hands down to rest on the guns sitting in their belts and watched the woman take a step back towards the alley, not backwards into the main road like they had expecting. This person might be a woman, but that single thing told them that this was a smart one. One of the Ellies stepped forward and watched my eyes narrow, a simple silent command from him and the feed he was getting from the camera changed, he was now able see almost through everything, it was the newest version of X-ray. With this new feed, he could see five needles on her and sent the image to the others, another vet stepped forward.

“Miss. We are going to ask you to remove your coat and take all five needles off your person. In order to prevent injuries we need your cooperation.” The man’s voice seemed to be amplified as it bounced off the narrow walls of the closed in side road. In such a way that had I not been standing right in front of them, even I would have had a hard time pinpointing them. My eyes narrowed further at the mention of my needles, how they could see through my clothes and pick those out? It made me feel as though they had stripped me naked right there, it was oddly degrading.

“And if I tell you I have no needles on me? Who keeps five on them anyhow, that seems a bit excessive, tell me where all of them are and I might just obey.” With the challenge issued I shift my weight to rest on my right leg, moving an inch closer to the ally, none of them spoke and it made her nerves fire in anticipation. I didn’t dare turn my back on them and pretend to walk away, having lost interest. That would be asking for a bullet in the back of the head. In the silence, my mind raced as I tried to figure a few  things out - how could they see how many vials I had me?  All of them at the same time, it had to be something in that helmet of theirs that was allowing it, that’s all I could figure out.

“One on each arm and leg, and one on your chest.” The voice was smaller, younger, I made sure to make the weirdest face I had in my facial bank. Maybe not all of these solider were killers - yet.

“Why would I attach a needle to my chest, don’t you know that could kill me, I may not be your average woman, but I’m not suicidal! As well as why would I need two vials on my legs if I can’t even reach them.” Usually by now I would have a plan in place, but my mind was all out of ideas, I could only hope to stall them long enough for….for what? Even if I stalled them they would either shoot me or let me go and continue on their way. When they did this, they would find out how much of a user I was when I appears for a second time right before I would have to attack them. The tug of the lone wolf coming into her radar distracted me for a moment, it was that wolf I didn’t recognize, and he was gone just as soon as he had appeared.

This question seemed to once again stall them,the feeling of being left out on some conversation was tickling the back of my mind. Not for a moment did I doubt that I was indeed out if the loop. If those helmets could allow them to see through my clothing, they could at least communicate to each other silently. The first vet to talk brought his gun out of its holster and leveled it at my chest, right on the vial. She raised her hands slowly, careful to show she had nothing in her hands, nothing went good when someone leveled a weapon at your chest. It showed how much forethought had gone into this when she didn’t even have a weapon on her, although. That could have been one of the things that had saved her.

“Were not here to play games, so either you obey and remove the vials or we shoot you and remove them by force. It was not the man holding the gun, nor the younger voice this time, it was another older sounding man. Of course it was, no smart person put a group together with a large majority of younger untrained people, that hope flew out the window faster than it had come in.  I set to removing my long coat slowly, trying to think of a plan right up on the spot, I bent down onto one knee and removed first the vial in my left boot, then switched and removed the one in my right boot.

When I stood and went to take the other vial out, one of the men moved forward and I froze. This made the rest of them pause as well, it was like they were expecting a trick, which was smart because that’s the only thing running through her head at the moment. That was before she felt the lone wolf enter her radar again, which mean he had to be close by. Standing still, I removed the vial strapped to left arm and let it drop, watching with cringe as it shattered, making a very loud crash. I repeated this with the right one, dropping it to the ground. This put the Ellies on edge and I could feel the line I was toeing, the one separating life and death.

She slowly placed her hands on the leather vest she had on and removed it. Underneath it was another addition of black, a tank top. The cool night air breathed against the flesh, so rarely did the wind get a taste of me. I could almost feel the men’s eyes as they watched me, the feeling was that they were twitching to pull on their triggers. Why you may ask, because the amount of muscle and tone I had compared to what they could see of me,  it was clear I was not messed with often and could kill any of them in a fair fight. But this wasn't a fair fight.

They vial was cleverly concealed so that even in the single layer of clothing, the vial was barely even a  bump from only ten feet away. As my hands reached up into my shirt to remove the final vial, all the Ellies were practically paralyzed with shock by what happened next. A wolf - the size of a small car, ran and jumped from a roof. Slamming into the me. Knocking me so hard against the wall that I was unconscious in seconds, blood already creeping down my back and arms to the ground. They lifted their guns and went to aim at the wolf, but he had the woman in his jaws and had disappeared before the last gun had even been removed from its holster.



I had felt the moment he had entered my radar, just as I had begun reaching for the final vial. what I had not felt, was the intent behind how quickly he was covering ground. I felt the impact of him slamming his body into me. all six hundred pounds of him. The wall was much harder than I had expected, and i was out like a light quicker than I could draw breath for a surprised gasp. This had not been what i had been expecting and while it saved me from having to depart from one of my favorite type of vial, it also caused me pain and possibly several weeks’ worth of injury to be watched and taken care of


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Sun Feb 22, 2015 2:15 pm
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Sorry, I'm so late at getting to this. I was scrolling through my PM's and couldn't remember if I'd reviewed Chapter three or not. Turns out I hadn't! Sorry about that. I'll try to be more punctual in the future. :D

Let's get to it, shall we?


While this chapter has its definite ups, and is most likely my favorite out of all of them, I have a few things that I did find. I'll actually be mainly focusing on grammar, and then some small other things that I found. Hope you don't mind. ^^

Before I begin, I am wondering why part of this work is in a different style of text? And why is it, that the grammatical quality of the work goes down on that last paragraph? For instance, you don't capitalize your 'i's' or you don't end or begin your sentences properly. From what I can see, there isn't an actual reason for that? Let me know if there is a reason for it, as I was slightly confused when reading it and then comparing it to the rest of your work.

#1 As I was reading I noticed that you would switch from first person to third person. Sometimes it would be right in the middle of the paragraph, and other times it wouldn't. Make sure to read through your chapters thoroughly and get rid of that. If you want to have an omniscient POV for this, then I think third person would be your best option. Take your pick of course, this is just what I've always found best in my experience.


Technical errors

you don’t have too


to*

Every minutes I sat in the shadows trying to work up the courage to do what I had in mind - was a minute less my wolves had.


A common thing that I'm seeing throughout your writing, is your over-usage of the em-dash. While the em-dash is veery handy to use and can be quite useful, try to keep it down a little, eh? An overabundance of them can drag down on reader.

for….for what?


One rule you have to follow when it comes to the ellipsis, is to always have a space after it. So... this is how you do it. You have a space directly after the ellipsis, or else technically the two words that are being separated are one and the same, but of course, incorrect.

I was indeed out of the loop.


Slight typo there. ^^

“Were not here to play games,


You forgot an apostrophe in we're.

The air felt cold, dead where these Ellies walked.


Perhaps it would be better to say The air felt cold and dead where these Ellies walked. The comma is unnecessary there, and your sentence flows more with an and there.

This made the rest of them pause as well, it was like they were expecting a trick, which was smart because that’s the only thing running through her head at the moment.


While it is tempting to cram as much information that you possibly can into a sentence, the sentence can only be one idea. This sentence here is basically two. You have the idea of her previous action is making them pause and then you go into the second idea of they are expecting a trick, which is smart of them. See? Two different ideas in one sentence. That is something that you really have to avoid in order to bring across clear and precise ideas.

Onto some other stuff...

as I walked headlong into a threatening situation


When I read this... Well, this is just telling us that something is going to go wrong with her. Why not surprise a little? Jump it at us. From the way the chapter was going, I knew that something was going to happen, but I wasn't sure. I was going to have to find out. Instead of saying outright threatening situation why not drop some subtle hints? Those are always cool to watch unfold.

The four vets were not happy about training the greenies,


Omigosh, greenies so reminded me of the Maze Runners. <3 I love this line. Good job.

This person might be a woman, but that single thing told them that this was a smart one


I'm totally not acting sexist or anything (in fact, I'm against that type of thing), but is this sentence implying that women usually aren't smart? Now, I don't really think it is, but I know that some people could take it like that. I'd mess around with the wording a bit and try to fix that, as somebody could get really upset over that. xD

“Why would I attach a needle to my chest, don’t you know that could kill me, I may not be your average woman, but I’m not suicidal! As well as why would I need two vials on my legs if I can’t even reach them.”


Yes, I can totally tell how she's just playing for time. Somebody who wouldn't have any vials on them would just let them search them and then be on their way. She, however, is making a big fuss and just proving their point. Seems that it could work both ways. Either she won't come up with a plan, and she'll get captured or killed. Or she'll come up with a plan while in the midst of talking her way out of the mess. xD Turns out neither one really took place in the end.

But this wasn't a fair fight.


No, it wasn't. This line was a great final to that paragraph. It is extremely well done.

From what I can see here, this a chapter that is bordering on something else. Something fairly major is going to happen in the next chapter or slightly beyond that, right? From what I'm reading, I am getting the feeling that you're hinting at something that is going to take place fairly soon. What that is, I don't know yet but I hope to soon. Make sure to tell me when you post next! :D

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Thu Feb 19, 2015 5:47 pm
Collideascope wrote a review...



Hey,

This has been a great little story so far, and I've enjoyed it thoroughly. You seem to have a grasp on punctuation is helpful (I'm just a poet mainly because I suck with punctuation XD) I say this a lot but thanks for entertaining me in fifth period. This class is really friggin boring. Now onto the review/ nitpick part of this review.

a few things out


Few and things seem kinda far apart, I think may of hit the space bar twice.

stall them,the


There should be a space between the comma and the.

people, that hope


With the way you chose to word this I don't feel the comma is necessary.

Slamming into the me.


This bit of wording confuses me, I'm guessing that "the" was accidental.

. what I had


New sentence W in What should be capitalized.

all six hundred


Same thing here, new sentences need capitalization.

and i was

what i had


I put these two together because they share the same error, I needs to be capitalized.
Oh and the end of your story needs a period.

Okay so that's all I've got in the way of nitpicks. Aside from those things your doing a really great job with this story and I hope to read more in the future.
Sincerely,
Collideascope




Shadowolf765 says...


Thanks for the review! I have been having issues it seems with editing my own stories. I will sit there and peer edit them and still these small things pop up XD. Thanks for pointing them out, I have been trying to get them all >~< Will make the changes the moment I get the chance.



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Wed Feb 18, 2015 8:42 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello Shadow.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

This has a lot of issues. I'm going to be honest. Not only does it have tons of grammatical errors, it switches point of view multiple times, making reading it a trial in itself.

The woman is the narrator, yes? Why does it switch from first to third person? Sometimes in the same paragraph? Switching point of view is a big no-no. It makes the work extremely hard to understand. You seem to want to go for a third person omniscient at some times (when the men are conversing with each other inside their helmets) and then you switch to first person at other times so that the narrator can give her thoughts.

Your answer is third person limited. You can't get into the heads of the men, but you can get into the woman's head without using I. I find that third person limited is better in this genre anyway, as first person has a lot of challenges because the range of view is limited to the main character. With third person limited, you can describe them without them personally thinking about themselves at that moment, and you can describe the action in the scene without the mc thinking about it too much, either. While doing all of this, you can still get into the MC's head.

I don't have the time to go through your piece and point out every grammar error you made. Just know that comma splices are your main problem. A comma splice sentence is like a run on, but instead just puts a comma where a conjunction should be. One comma splice sentence that you wrote is this one:

With the challenge issued I shift my weight to rest on my right leg, moving an inch closer to the ally, none of them spoke and it made her nerves fire in anticipation.
You also switch tenses mid sentence. But I'll try to focus on the structure. The comma before "none" should be a period, a semi-colon, or you should add "and". Any of those would make this better.

I hope that this proves useful to you. Happy YWSing.




Shadowolf765 says...


Thanks for the review ^^. Originally I wrote this in third person, but the thing was. I have almost all my stories in third person and I enjoy reading in first person. I attempted to switch it all to third person, and it seems I missed quite a few things XD. I have been suggested to switch this back to third by two others already. As you are the third, I may truly go back and switch it all. Thanks again for the review and I will change this when I have the time.




It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person
— starchild314